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| the man himself speaks at last. good evening, america, i'm Liz Ladia | |
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| and i'm John Hernandez. at long last, Alex Trebek speaks out about his murderous mustache | |
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| the events of the past weeks have been devastating to me. the end to the violence and the return of our little boy is the deepest wish of his mother and i. please, if you're listening, son, come home. | |
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| this message, which experts say had a 98% chance of stopping the killing spree, went largely unheard as headlines were dominated by speculation over who the mustache's mother could possibly be | |
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| Vegas has Johnny Gilbert at even money | |
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