THIS FUCKING ROCKS!

......

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAKTHX
those are pretty hilarious.

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I bet your mom has a loud bark.

it be an early christmASS comic!

Story Time: Santa's visit by retard 11-20-03

I was laying on my bed one day, thinking about killing my parents when Santa crashed through my wall. He said I was a naughty boy this year so he pooped in my stocking. I then threw a rabid midget at Santa to get him to stop, but Santa opened his mouth and the midget flew in and Santa ate him and continued to poop in my stocking. I didn't know what else to do so I yelled to the top of my lungs "MEOW! LOOK AT ME! I'M A KITTY!"....Santa looked shocked. He couldn't believe that I would ever say such a thing in his precence. So then he got naked and started slapping his thighs. I got confused so I transformed into a dinosaur with my amazing transforming abilities and ate Santa. Santa is now poop. Kids will no longer get presents at Christmas. I felt like a bitch so I put a block of cheese into every kid's stocking at Christmas. Except the Jews. (I first started writing these stories when my daddy started drinking)

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America's favorite little pyromaniac.

ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111

Tis good to see retard back in action =D

Some of my best work.

Story Time: the really awesome guy by retard 12-17-03

There once was this really awesome guy. He was so awesome. All the ladies wanted to sex him up, and all the guys wanted to watch. One day zombie ninjas came to beat him up, but he was way too awesome so he kicked them all in the face 86 times each and then he smoked a cigarette, because smoking cigarettes is awesome, like him. The ninja zombies threw big knives at him. He was so awesome that even the knives liked him, so they took his orders. The awesome guy ordered the knives to cut off the zombie ninja's wieners off. So they did. The majority of them said "AHHH!!!" while the others said "EEEE!!!" But the awesome guy said ":D" and then did an Irish jig. He accidentally jigged all the way in a hole. The zombie ninjas laughed. The awesome guy was kept captive in that hole for 4000 years until he realised there was a laddar. The first thing he did now that he was free was eat 24 tacos....I'm drunk. (this story is so good that it even makes me forget I have AIDs)

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America's favorite little pyromaniac.

in this one i have an audience.

Story Time: everyone's a critic by retard 12-18-03

Ok, this story starts out with this pirate walking down the street. He's going to the market to pick up some mangos. But a evil triceratops came after him in a fit of rage. This story makes no sense. Pirates and dinosaurs are not around anymore. And why was a pirate out buying mangos anyway? To prevent scurvy. Anyway, The pirate attacks the triceratops with a purple nurple and spits in his face, but the triceratops transformed into 6000 triceratops. They all tickle him into a coma. You're weird. Your stories suck. Are you sure you published this? Yes. Anyway, the pirate came out of his coma because he felt like it and then he gave all the triceratops herpes by making love to each one of them. They all died eventually. The end. So, you like it? No. It sucks. Go die.

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America's favorite little pyromaniac.

Cripes, I love your shit. It's why you were one of the first ones on my favorites list.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

retard thanks you.

Story Time: My dog by retard 1-03-04

My dog was asleep and I was really bored so I started slapping him for no reason. He got mad and told me to stop. Then I was like "Ahhh! My dog is talking!" Then my dog beat me up. He kicked me really hard then laughed at me. The end.

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America's favorite little pyromaniac.

la la la la la la

Story Time: Al Gore by retard 1-24-04

This is based on an untrue story. It starts out with Al Gore. He was frolicing in a field of wheat one day, enjoying the sunshine, when a walrus popped out from behind a brick wall. He had a bazooka. Al Gore reacted quickly and burrowed himself into the ground. Al Gore then met with a civilization of mole people who cinsidered him a god. He lived with the mole people for 600 years of peace. But he had to go back to the surface for a pack of cigarettes. When he came up, the walrus was still waiting for him. Al Gore acted quickly again and dug a yard flamingo deep in the walrus' temple. The walrus stumbled until he accidentally fell in a pool of acid. He stumpled once more and fell in a pool of used razor blades. He stumbled again into a pool of cactuses. Then he had a heart attack. Al Gore bought his cigarettes, smoked them and looked totally cool while doing it. Then he noticed that he wasn't Al Gore at all, and he was really Drew Carey. After realising this, Drew Carey farted. (99% of people that know me want me dead)

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America's favorite little pyromaniac.

More fun!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111

Story Time: The Elephant by retard 2-10-04

I was eating pudding once. Then an African elephant came up, slapped the pudding out of my hands and challenged me to a sword fight. I said no and walked away to get a grape slurpee. After I bought the grape slurpee (which was delicious) the African elephant came up to me again, slapped the slurpee out of my hands and challenged me to a sword fight once again. I said no again. Then I went home to wank off to Home Improvement. After halfway to orgasm, the African elephant kicked down my door, slapped my boner out of my hands and insisted that we sword fight. I said no again. I kindly asked the elephant to fuck off and to suck my cock. For some reason he got mad and threw peanuts at me. So I threw Rossanne Barr back at him. The elephant's skin cells mixing with Rosanne's ...caused a chemical imbalance, and they both blew up. I was okay, but I lost both my arms and three ears....After all that, I went to Utah and raped 11 penguins. hahahahaha! (Who farted?)

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America's favorite little pyromaniac.

You're Canada's little pyromaniac, too, retard.

*sniff*

Great stuff! If you can find fuck and bring him back, I think I'd never leave.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

I was given permission to post these here by the 'tard himself.

retard's cousin Botard by botard 2-19-04

Once when I was a walrus I ate a couple of slices of Penguin Poop cake and got so sick that angry toasters shot out of my pee-hole at 7,000 miles per hour. Then one of the toasters circled around in some Red Baron maneuver and started firing pop tarts at me. But it was bad because they were Watermelon S'mores flavor and I'm allergic to flavor. One of them glanced off my pancreas and made me poop thirty rubber vaginas into the waiting mouth of my Uncle Ned, who was wearing liederhosen. Purple Liederhosen. Uncle Ned's head popped off and revealed himself to be the Cobra Commander from GI Joe. Then he died. I think it was because he had sex with giraffes, but I don't have all the data yet. I forgot about the toaster but it was okay because that crazy actor-guy Vincent Gallo came to my rescue and pummelled the toaster to death with a prehensile hemorrhoid. (Rubber underwear is very chic in Taiwan)

retard's cousin Botard 2 by botard 2-26-04

I used to get into fights with speakers all the time. Usually they would win. And my ass was always sore afterwards. By speakers I mean those things that attach to your stereo and go 'ba dum ba dum ba dum' a lot. Sometimes it does other stuff but I forgot. After the last fight we had, I got up, put a band-aid on my ass, and we both sat down and smoked a couple of cigarettes. We reminisced about the time Marv Albert turned out to be a perv. Then the speaker was like, "We should call him Perv Albert from now on!" HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! (The last time I laughed this hard a space shuttle crashed.)

retard's cousin Botard 3 by botard 2-26-04

I had a bellyache earlier. I think it's because I kept trying to taste my own farts. But that didn't work either, so I tried to eat other people's farts. I figured I'd just be swallowing air, so how bad could it be? But I forgot that farts are the air that surrounds your shit sometimes. So every big gulp of fart I swallowed probably made millions of tiny poop creatures go in my belly. And that would suck, because all the foreign poop creatures would breed with the native poop creatures, and the purity of my poop creatures' ancestry will be tarnished! So I'm just gonna have to poop 'em all out and start over. That'll teach 'em! (Once I slept with a fat hooker, but it was platonic)

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

in loving memory of retard, RIP by graykane 2-27-04

i once was at this pool party and a really fat pregnant lady came and she waddled over to the mothers' table and her face turned red and she dropped a 6yr old kid in a school uniform out her skirt. he had a fifty-foot umbilical cord that his mom must have bought at Lowe's it was so long. he ran to us. we played tug-a-kid with the umbilical cord. i hated that kid. at the end of the party, his mom's stomach made all sorts of noises, and the umbilical cord reeled back up her dress dragging her kid kicking and screaming until it slurped him up. his mom liked me. she said, i want you. i said, i can't do it with a woman with a kid, because i don't trust the kid nuff to stick my stuff in there. she said, i'll abort him. her stomach grumbled. wet bones splashed from between her legs. she and i got married. we have a dog. we named it Abortion in memory of her son. sometimes i kick it when i masterbate.

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i want to piss on you

Ooh, Aah!

Story Time: Irrelevant by retard 3-15-04

This tale is about my cousin Goober. He kept a large quanity of ox blood in his garage....But that's entirely irrelevant. Goober was also a leprechaun. That's irrelevant, too. He had 3 penises. One where it should be and the other two was on his back and his chin. This information is also irrelevant. Another irrelevant thing about Goober was that he had 12 wives. He never showered and he uncontrollably yodels while masturbating. Those two pieces of information are yet again, irrelevant. And he shoots crows for fun. Irrelevant. He went missing for a 6 year period and was found naked, living with woodchucks. Irrelevant? Yes. As a matter of fact, everything I said during this whole story is irrelevant. Anyway, long story short, he defeated the evil ninjas and saved the world yet again.....Man, I'm hard. (The things I say in this last panel are irrelevant)

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America's favorite little pyromaniac.

YAY!

My tribute to a great man...

The Retard Auditions by AcmeLabRat 3-19-04

The search begins.. You are all heathen... islamic fundamentalism shall.. Next! Hundreds of audtions later... Sucky Fucky Five dorrah? Next! NEXT! sorry I'm late but.. a trio of midget pirates ate my car so they could sprout horns. This made me angry enough to destroy the salami empire ruled by the Evil Lizard King. He became my best friend. OMG! You're Hired!!!

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Maybe the dingo ate your baby!

Noooooo! I'm sorry I ever made a Botard comic! Retard, forgive me. I have created monsters.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Mikey--what part of NY are you from? The only person I've ever known to use the term botard was from Utica. She said it was a local thing because it combined retard with the name of the school they sent said tards to.

Happy Happy Joy Joy!!!!!!

Story Time: Fat Lady by retard 3-19-04

I was riding in my car one day, cruising for ladies. Then I finally realised that I don't have a car and I've been riding a fat lady all this time. Well, to tell you the truth, I was embarassed. She looked over to me and licked her lips. Then I licked her lips. They tasted like pork rinds. She took a bite out of my torso and swallowed it while looking at me. That was very awkward. I kicked the fat lady in 3 of her 5 chins. A couple of small children fell out. The children started dancing like mad. It looked weird because no music was playing. So I started to make a beat. I went: "ticka-ticka boom-boom ticka-ticka boom. ticka-ticka." The small children suggested I played some folk music. I said no and slayed the small children with a broad sword. I forgot the fat lady was there. She did too and thought she was a leprechaun. She thought I took her gold so she put a curse on me. And since she wasn't a real leprechaun, the curse had no effect. (I like tying up french girls and then farting on them)

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America's favorite little pyromaniac.

I'm from Mount Vernon, right outside the Boogie-down Bronx. It's all of New York State that has the program, which is calles 'BOCES'. It's a vocational program for people that doubles as an educational program for retards. Botard=BOCES retard.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Made 4 MikeyG!

Story Time: MikeyG by retard 3-26-04

This happened in 800000000000000 B.C. I was walking down the street one day, counting all of the ugly people I saw. Then, out of the darkness came MikeyG. He was wearing live woodchucks! I twas all: one of those is not a woodchuck! one's an over-sized hampster! Well, Mikey was so angry that he ripped off his massive boner and threw it at me! I dodged it and it hit and blew up a blimp. The blimp was full of honour students, cripples, puppies, and three old ladies. MikeyG was sent to jail and was anal sexed countless times! I thought it was funny. So I went: huh! huh! huh! But since MikeyG had super ultra hearing caused by gamma rays, he heard me all the way from Rhode Island. So he digged his way out of jail and came to take revenge on me! He knocked on my door. I used my x-ray vision to look through the door. The only problem was that I didn't have x-ray vision. But I tried too hard and my eyes popped out. MikeyG laughed, raped me, then went on his way. (MikeyG sucks elephant wang and then washes it down with elephant dong)

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America's favorite little pyromaniac.

I'm posting the rest of Botard here because I actually had permission to.

retard's cousin Botard 4 by botard 2-27-04

I like to say the word 'stuff' over and over again until people get annoyed. Stuff stuff stuff! Stuff stuff stuff! stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff! Stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuffstuff stuffstuff stuff stuff stuff. Stuff stuff stuff! Stuff stuff stuff! stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff! Stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuffstuff stuffstuff stuff stuff stuff. Stuff stuff stuff! Stuff stuff stuff! stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff! Stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuffstuff stuffstuff stuff stuff stuff. By this time, several people would have threatened my life and the prosperity of my gonads. (I haven't told the Liebowitz family in my attic yet that the war is over.)

retard's cousin Botard 5 by botard 3-01-04

I need lots and lots of caramel just to survive, I swear! I have a prescription and everything! And I didn't even have to take secret pictures of the doctor putting the tongue depressors in his butt, like the time I got him to give me a prescription for hookers! Or the time when I found copies of some nudie magazine called 'Unconscious Patients' in his medical bag with the pages stuck together. When I found the magazine and told him, he gave me a prescription for video games and sent me home! On the way out I stole some cottonballs. No, this time I just called his wife and told her that her husband sometimes makes me punch him in the cock with my tonsils. The next day I had a prescription for caramel! (once I poo'd on my dad's nose when he was sleeping)

retard's cousin Botard 6 by botard 3-05-04

I make pancakes every morning for the guy that lives under my mom's bed because she tells me if I don't, she'll gut me like a pig in a slaughterhouse. I still can't figure out how this guy lives under my moms bed, you know? All I ever hear is that squeaky mattress, like he's underneath it, punching it for long periods of time. Then the guy makes a really loud yell, as if someone punched him in his no-no spot or something. Sometimes my mom will make a weird noise, too, but not always. Then the mattress stops being punched. But if the guy yells first, maybe he's not the one punching the mattress, right? Maybe my mom is on top of the mattress punching it until the guy yells at her. Either that, or they're just fucking. (my left nipple can make chocolate milk)

MikeyG sings Christina Aguilera by MikeyG 3-26-04

Every day is so fucking gay, suddenly I have to pee. Now and then I feel like Demi Moore, I piss in shame, 'cuz I'm to blame. My pants are really full, no matter what they say. Bird can't sling my brown, oh no no no no. Oh, my pants are full, in every single way, and turds won't sting my brown, oh no whoa whoa whoa oh. So don't you sting my brown today. To all the men, you've got fairy dust, so zooma zoom, in your boom boom. Being a tard is such wimpiness, my neice's dong, nuzzle my schlong. That be the way it is. My pants are really full, and DragonXero's gay, and turds won't sting his brown, no no no whoaohwhoa. That's a load of bull, and I just sparked a Jay, and nerds won't ring my mound, Nerds won't ring my mound today. No matter who's a Jew, no matter what they pay, when my bum is shiny, too, and my farts are loud and gay. (Worms taste remarkably like soil.)

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.