Mikey: how the fuck did we go from boobs to this depressing-ass shit?
IvyThePlant: after all the funeral shenanigans with grandpa, mom decided when her time came, she'd just swim out to sea
Mikey: I think I'm going to have to look at them again just to cheer myself up
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IvyThePlant: now she said she wants a big funeral pyre in the middle of the woods
Mikey: Forest fire?
chooby: my mum says she wants her funeral to be as uncomfortable as possible...
Mikey: ha ha ha
IvyThePlant: i can't die til i have a huge inheiritance because my plan is to be cremated, then pay for all my friends and family to go on a world tour so they can scatter parts of my ashes in places i really like and places i always wanted to go but never got to
chooby: if it's winter, she wants it outside, in shorts and t-shirt..
IvyThePlant: lol!
chooby: if it's summer, she wants everyone to wear big furry jackets..
chooby: the coffin carried by little cross-dressing midgets..
chooby: really lame music
IvyThePlant: william shatner!
chooby: yes
Mikey: I want to rig my casket to pop up and fling me out to dance around
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chooby: anything uncomfortable
Mikey: like a marionette
IvyThePlant: ha!
IvyThePlant: i want a lookalike double (plastic surgery if needed) to come to my funeral and throw everyone off
IvyThePlant: even better...an army of lookalikes
IvyThePlant: one for every person at my funeral
IvyThePlant: and the double will haunt people
IvyThePlant: okay, maybe that's too much torture
IvyThePlant: i'd prefer to get a robot body so i can be immortal
IvyThePlant: barring that, a vampire will do
chooby: do you people carry the coffin of your relative into the church for the funeral?
chooby: or does it get done for you?
chooby: by "you people" I mean, Yanks.
IvyThePlant: at grandpa's, the funeral home took it into the church before we got there
IvyThePlant: and wheeled it to the front when the ceremony started
IvyThePlant: then me and some other relatives were pallbearers and carried it out and to the cemetary
chooby: ah
chooby: women don't carry the coffin over here
Mikey: I want my body to dance the Macarena, or at least a prerecorded message telling everyone they have to dance it
IvyThePlant: i don't remember anything about my other grandfather's funeral
IvyThePlant: ha!
Mikey: with flashing lights and everything
chooby: what if you are blown up?
IvyThePlant: animatronic controls hooked up to your face so you can sing along?
Mikey: and I'd have to be dressed as Patrick Swayze in "Dirty Dancing"
chooby: it's going to be hard to fit the animatronics into little pieces of burned flesh
Mikey: If I'm blown up, I want to be sewn back together
IvyThePlant: or have a lookalike killed
Mikey: and the missing pieces to be substituted with rice pussing
IvyThePlant: pussing eh?
Mikey: pudding, even
Mikey: either rice pudding or bees
chooby: I'd like my coffin to be so well fitting that it's basically just a wooden shell of my actual naked body.
Mikey: that would be pretty funny, choobs
Mikey: a sarcophagus
chooby: with my hands on my hips so that the pallbearers have handles to lift me with
chooby: and a place to put flowers
Mikey: why don't you just mold your penis erect
chooby: (unless I'm lying on my stomache)
Mikey: there you go
IvyThePlant: a friend of mine (same guy who does the pastries) wants his body to be stuffed and mounted in his favorite masturbation pose
Mikey: I think that's funny, Ivy, but your friend is creepy.
chooby: he has a *favourite* masturbation pose?
IvyThePlant: yes, yes he is
Mikey: or will be
chooby: I think it's more disturbing that he poses when he masturbates
Mikey: I wasn't aware people posed when masturbating, generally, unless they were on film
IvyThePlant: he said either that or stuffed and mounted in a sexual position so necrophiliacs can use his body
chooby: I want my arm fitted with a kind of spring/lever system, so that when you push my wrist, my mouth opens and a big rectangle of candy comes out
IvyThePlant: ha!
Mikey: I think chooby's second-skin coffin should have an erect penis, and strict instructions for his family to kiss him goodbye there.
IvyThePlant: totally
chooby: I don't know who would want to re-load my Pez dispenser idea though
IvyThePlant: i want to be remote-controlled so people can walk me around a room
IvyThePlant: like in Spok's Brain
IvyThePlant: *spock
Mikey: I am planning, after the Macarena, to have my body turn around and showcase a big coin slot
IvyThePlant: i think i know where this is going
Mikey: when you put a coin in, I moon people, like those little novelty statues
IvyThePlant: i was thinking the money went in your ass
Mikey: oh
Mikey: no, in my back
Mikey: but they'll get to see my ass
chooby: holy shit, Man U have just equalised!
chooby: after being 2-0 down
Mikey: maybe there'll be a mirror on my ass so people can see their own retarded expressions
IvyThePlant: and you have to have cameras
Mikey: that's a given
Mikey: I'm looking into hiring chooby's casket to pop up in the background, and you can spin it like the Wheel of Fortune
IvyThePlant: do you win prizes?
Mikey: totally
Mikey: But the prizes aren't cool, at all
Mikey: One of them is "Make out with Grandma"
Mikey: or "Punch cousin Joey in the nuts"
IvyThePlant: ha!
Mikey: the best is "Ask Aunt Carol about her drinking habits"
IvyThePlant: how about "insult the mafia don of the family"?
Mikey: We don't have any
IvyThePlant: i do
IvyThePlant: the quaker side
Mikey: would totally work at yours
Mikey: lewl
IvyThePlant: "Tell Aunt Janice nobody likes her fruitcake"
Mikey: ha ha ha ha ha
Mikey: "Ask Uncle Pete to see his war wound"
Mikey: "Then ask him why he keeps trying to show it to little Cousin Janie"
IvyThePlant: ha!
IvyThePlant: "Wear a wire so the Feds can finally get Uncle Herman"
Mikey: ha ha ha ha
IvyThePlant: death is funny when you get to mock relatives
Mikey: "Stop pretending that Auntie Joan looks normal in that wig and makeup"
Mikey: totally, Ivy
IvyThePlant: and what better way to mock and torture all the the relatives than at your own funeral
Mikey: it's like the final justice
Mikey: "Tell chooby to stop dry-humping the widow"
IvyThePlant: the final "fuck you" to all those relatives who kept sending you atrociously scented candles for christmas every year
Mikey: ha!
IvyThePlan: lol!
