I am back like a yak after an 8 month break and I'm bringing you 5 (not 4) comics that will make you drop kick your aunt Luanne. I've been gone so long because I've been working a a book with Tom Clancy. It's called: The time some retarded guy tied me up for 8 months and force fed me moose after-birth then spanked me with a polish sausage. Anyway, enjoy these and tell me how you think. and if i get any more negative feedback, ill print them off and wipe my donkey's vagina with it.........READ!!!!!!

Story time: The Dance by retard 11-20-04

I was sauntering down the street on Martin Luther King Jr. day when a man stopped me in my tracks and asked me for the time. I told him that time didn't exist.... and it was only a state of mind to man. The man apologized and forgave me for his ignorance by giving me a back rub. It was so relaxing. I never wanted it to end. But then I noticed that.... I was holding up traffic. A man in a jeep was honking at me. He had to rush his pregnant wife to the hospital of something. I don't know. I wasn't listening because I was taken over by the music.... I started moving around with the beat. I called it: dancing! I danced and danced for over six hours. Which was odd because it was only a 3 minute song and the jeep was long gone. I sat on a tuffet.... and checked my feet. They were covered with big, bloody blisters. I began to rub them. It was horribly painful, but I couldn't stop. I rubbed them faster and faster until I moaned like a water buffalo My nipples got so hard that they popped out of my muscle shirt and stabbed a dog in the face. Then he looked at me, as to ask "Why?" There was a long pause. Then I farted and we both laughed. The End!

Story Time: Don Rickles by retard 11-20-04

The story begins with Don Rickles standing alone in a field of wheat. Just him and his thoughts. Then he is suddenly surrounded by a herd of deadly ninja clones. Don Rickles stands his ground.... grasping his katana tight. Then one of the ninjas blinked and Don Rickles runs up to him at the speed of light and punches him so hard that everyone in Bosnia felt it. Then every single ninja clone... comes running after Don Rickles, brandishing their many weapons and screaming like mad. But Don Rickles was way too powerful to be defeated by 500 blood-thristy murderers.... He kicked on ninja in the genitals so hard that his eyes popped out of his head, shot around the world and hit him right in the back of the head. It felt way too gross for him to continue so he left.. Then one ninja came at Mr. Rickles with a spinning kick of death, but Rickles blew his head up just by looking at him hard enough. After kicking after kicking rump for another 9 minutes, the ninjas... fled and Don Rickles celebrated by treating himself to a moon pie and masturbating on a dead dog. And that's how the west was won. The End!

Story Time: German Midgets by retard 11-20-04

I was watching a Family Matters marathon in my underpants when I was interupted by the sound of a bunch of German midgets practsing for cheerleading try-outs. "This can't be!" I told myself. And with that, I filled water ballons with fire ants and hurled them at the German midgets who screamed in horrible pain. I began to dance in victory. But the German midgets used there heavy creams... and they were as good as new. They were pissed so they murdered my whole family for revenge. That meant war! I had a great plan to get back at them. I ordered a bunch of pizzas to their adress. When.. I saw the dumbfounded looks on their ugly faces, I laughed until I lost control of my bodily functions. Until I discovered that the German midgets accepted the pizzas with a smile and gobbled them up like little piggies. Good thing I had a plan B: I topped the pizzas with Kill-German-Midget-Mushrooms, which were quite delicious (not to German midgets though) And in a matter of seconds.... all the German midgets were dead. Then I awoke in a cold sweat. It turned out to be a dream all along......Or was it?......Yes. Yes, it was.

Story Time: The Crazy Hobo by retard 11-20-04

I was skanking down the street one hot winter's morn when I spotted a naked hobo arguing with a shopping cart. And I think the shopping cart was winning. I tried to escape the hobo's vision, but he... already saw me, grabbed me and said "you think you better than me?" and I said "Yes, because I'm not a smelly hobo!" The hobo said "Neither am I! I am the queen of Norway!" Then he started dancing.... around the parking lot. I laughed, but the hobo didn't like being mocked so he beat me to death until I died. Then he continued to beat me for several more hours. I went to heaven and met God. God was a giant indian who could turn into a wolf. We hung out, threw back some brews, and watched wrestling. Then he told me that it wasn't my time yet and that I was going to reincarnate as.... my twin brother who is exactly like me in every way possible. Me and God exchanged e-mail adresses then I was on my way back to earth. I found my way back to the hobo and threw him off a cliff. He later wrote an album about that experiance and made millions. As for me, I found my old dead body and made love to it. I was great. so was I.

Story Time: Larry's Big Nose by retard 11-20-04

There was this man (Larry) who had the biggest nose in the known universe. Children used to ride it to school. One day I lost my car keys in his nose. So, like any other patriotic American, I stuck my hand in Larry's left nostril and began rooting for my beloved car keys. Larry then noticed me up his nose and asked what was up. I told him the sad tale of my lost car keys. Then Larry said: "But you don't have a car." I said "Yeah, but I still have the keys for one." Larry nodded and the keys flew out of Larry's nose and into my hands. "Wow!" I said "How did you do that?" "I have.... super-natural powers that no man can handle with 100% of his brain." said Larry. I asked "What else can you do?" he answered "I can turn diet pepsi into regular pepsi." "Really?" I asked.... "Yes, but only on Tuesdays." said he. Then there was a very long, awkward silence. Larry looked uneasy when he said "Uh, well, I better get going. I got stuff to do." "Me too." I said. We both left... and I never saw Larry again, but we both became better men after that day. I became a hippo farmer and Larry became a hippo. I take care of him. He's a good hippo. The End!

You like, no?

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America's favorite little pyromaniac.

I missed you, retard. Thank you for making my entire sucky weekend worthwhile just so I could come back to work and read new retard comics.

These were awesome.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Pretty awesome.

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possible savior probable SEX MACHINE

I sure liked them.

If you like Retard so much, why don't you marry him?

I asked, but he just started licking my chest and quacking like a duck.

I FRICKEN LOVE YOUR COMICS,RETARD!

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LoSeR