Early Kilmer by ragu4u 11-07-10

"I think that I shall never see.......uh.....never see......um.... I think that I shall never see.... ...a sight as lovely as multy colored balls dangling from a pine." It still needs some work!

Deny, Deny, Deny by ragu4u 11-07-10

Don't go anywhere, buddy. We're gonna have to hold you. On what grounds? For statrters, the victim was axed to death and coverd in pink bunny fur. That's IT? My lawyer can shoot a hole through THAT! Did the cop read you your rights before or after he bloodied you up like that? You de man, counselor. You de MAN!

Incentives by ragu4u 11-08-10

Hey, you seen them new Harley's made in India yet? Made in India? What the hell? Yeah. They're basically a Tuk Tuk with a 1500cc engine. How gay! Why would anybody buy one? They come with a medical diploma and a free pass to Bollywood. Well, in THAT case...

Getting Grilled

Gold topped $1400 an ounce today. How bout dat, cracker? You said a "mouthful" there, brutha man.

by ragu4u, 11-08-10

Pop Dat Koochie, Baby by ragu4u 11-09-10

I'm whippin my hair back n forth... I'm whippin my hair back n forth... I'm whippin my hair back n forth... I'm whippin my hair back n forth... I'm whippin my hair back n forth... Now gimme 100 million bucks for this music video like Willow Smith is gettin, bitch!

Blast Off by ragu4u 11-09-10

35 Miles Off L.A. Coast Geez...a freakin rocket just took off. Did you see that rocket too, mister? I sure did. It musta come fwum one a dem spy subs dat don't weally exist. Didn't we build a fence to protect against those things?

Airport Security by ragu4u 11-10-10

It's either the scanner or a HAND pat down. Which will it be? Pat down....and do it twice to make sure. Scanner or pat down? Pat down...but you have to wear catcher's mitts. Look at THIS! I'm gettin another job! Ooh, ooh pat down, pat down, pat down please, please, please!

Why They Hire Seniors by ragu4u 11-10-10

Welcome to Sears. May I help you? How do you feel about Sears being open today, the first Thanksgiving in 124 years? Well? Now ya gone and done it. I'm gonna have to fuck you up bigtime. Hey...I thought you knew.

The Know It All by ragu4u 11-11-10

"Take a Carnival cruise."...you said. "It'll be fun."...you said! How was I to know there would be a fire and the electric would go out? The way you tell it, you know EVERYTHING! C'mon, admit it. It really hasn't been THAT bad. Has it? Obviously, you're more adept at shitting in a champaign bucket than I am. As a matter of fact, I wrote this "Fecal Elimination" pamphlet...

The One & Only by ragu4u 11-11-10

Dino De Laurentis has died in Beverley Hills, today. Mama Mia. My hero isa gone! He musta have a tribute. A Few Days Later... Thisa evening. we gonna pay tribute to-a my hero, Dino. Please awelcome my first guest & hisa tribute. "Everybody loves somebody, sometime. Everybody falls in love, somehow." Mama Mia. Kill the house-a-lights. KILL THE HOUSE-A-LIGHTS!

18 And Still At Home! by ragu4u 11-11-10

You brought home your boyfriend's WHAT? It's just a python in a tank. It likes rats for food. I can't get you to take care of your puppy and fish. So now you bring home a PYTHON? How will it survive? Oh it'll survive, daddy. How? You'll figure it out. I'm off to the club.

Polyticks by ragu4u 11-12-10

Did you hear that an actual clown named "Grumpy" was just elected to the Brazilian Congress? It doesn't shock ME. It doesn't? We elected a clown named "Obama" as president two years ago. You know "Grumpy" has quit his clown job? I wish OUR clown would follow suit.

Been There? by ragu4u 11-12-10

#51....#51.... zzzzz HEY! Are YOU #51? Let's GO!! zzzzzz...huh? Geez...It's about time. Whoa! Finally!

Pervo the Magician by ragu4u 11-13-10

You made my hand disappear into the wall. Not into the WALL but into "The Outer Limits" and only these special glasses can see what's there. The outer limits, huh? That shit sounds fishy. That's a fiber optic cable in his damned mouth!

A Helping Handful by ragu4u 11-13-10

"I want to see your peacock,cock, cock. Your peacock, cock, cock..." What the....? "I want to see your peacock,cock, cock. Your peacock, cock, cock..." Oooh that's NICE! Say, you're quite the handful, yourself.

Jacob the Tailor vs. Seinfeld by ragu4u 11-14-10

How may I serve you? I'd like to see something kind of retro. Here's our model wearing the classic sharkskin suit. Such a deal I got for ya...but... ...alterations are extra. If they cost more than a "fin", I'm outta here.

What's the Deal? by ragu4u 11-14-10

This broken down cruise ship smells like vomit, urine & feces. I'll check with the "Poker Room" dealers, in the casino, for repairs. Poker dealers? What can they do? What's needed is a Royal Flush, no?

Wanted "English Teachers" by ragu4u 11-14-10

I'm going to talk with the head of the school board. About what? Do you realize that the majority of kids in our California schools are Latino? Tell me about it, sister. Good luck talking to "the man" about this. School Board Offices Do you have time to...I mean, tiempo to see me, Mr. Lopez? Aye carumba. Que lastima, lo siento but I don't want to hear no more complaints from you "white bread" teachers. I'm trying to put hydraulics on my 62 Chevy.

They Love Men in Uniform by ragu4u 11-14-10

I need to get in your pants bad, lady. WHAT? Why you no good... Hmmm So Chen, you forgot to wear your "TSA" screener's uniform again today, I see.

Colt 45 vs. Ticonderoga #2 by ragu4u 11-14-10

Hold it right there or I'll fill ya full of lead. It's too late. Now draw! I knew I could write him off.

"Nations Trucks" Sanford, Fla. by ragu4u 11-15-10

Fact Is Stranger Than Truth A kangaroo with an AK-47? This ought to be good. What? And just how did YOU aquire that weapon? They gave em away free to anyone who purchased a truck. Oh sure....like a kangaroo can drive? Pul-ease!

Et tu, Brute! by ragu4u 11-15-10

I've got a message for Mr. Chen. Tell him....." Beware of the...." March 15th "...Ides of March." Lot of good it does NOW!

Foiled Again by ragu4u 11-16-10

Tune in again for "Sarah Palin's Alaska"... Man, is she HOT or what? ...on TLC... I'd be tappin that the first chance I got. ...The Learning Channel". But then her flippin mom, Sarah, would come in and muck everthing up.

Leave It To California by ragu4u 11-16-10

Alameda County Courthouse Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you our newest trial judge.... ...Victoria Kolakowski! YIKES! Du-du-du-dude looks like a lady!

A Fate Worse Than..... by ragu4u 11-17-10

Bristol Palin survives another elimination round on "Dancing With the Stars". Ooh baby, ooh baby.... ...the suicide wagon will be full tonight!