Ped-Xing by ragu4u 1-04-11

Watcha doin here? I'm the crossing guard. But I don't see no traf..... Oooh, bummer! What?

Travel Insurance

But... No! Dashboard statuettes are NOT more important than bumper magnets.

by ragu4u, 1-04-11

Mississippi Justice by ragu4u 1-04-11

Justice Is Blind I'm taking your weird looking ass to jail. And don't be giving that copper no shit. Taxi! Injustice Is Not I'm talking to YOU! So, you coming along quietly, or what? What the fu...?

True Wisdumb by ragu4u 1-05-11

Michelle, what shall I do...my press secretary is quiting tomorrow. Do nothing. It's worked for 2 years.

2 Forward, 3 Back by ragu4u 1-05-11

Did you know they're removing the N-word from all new publishings of "Huck Finn"? Well, what are they replacing it with? "Black mother fuckers", I hope. Change is good!

Chic vs. Chick by ragu4u 1-05-11

Men LOVE me! You're not so special. Oh really? All you have are nice breasts... ...but I got those AND some damned fine dark meat, to boot.

Educational Incentives by ragu4u 1-05-11

Hey teach, I'll try harder in class if ya gimme $50. I can top that! Stay home for good and I'll give you $100.

Over Simplification by ragu4u 1-06-11

Is it true, Father Joe? Are you going to star on that new Discovery Channel show? If you mean "The Exorcist Files", then yes I am. But you haven't been trained in the...... Tut-tut, Sister. How hard can it be? The Devil is the Prince of Darkness, right? Yes. So I'll carry a flashlight!

The "New" Cavity Search by ragu4u 1-06-11

Hi, officer. What's up? Don't you know that's illegal? I gotta write ya up. But I've been doing this for years. New laws are in force. You gotta get authorization from now on, fella. What? I see ya hiding that Snickers bar in the sack. Ya gotta have a note from your dentist before you can eat it from now on.

Gramma Karma by ragu4u 1-06-11

Welcome to the post Office. I'd like to buy... Sorry, break time. ...some stamps? Let the old bitch wait! I'll show her. I'll just mail the bomb without poatage.

Sen.John Edwards:On the Rebound by ragu4u 1-07-11

Well, Elizabeth, you'll be happy to know I'm engaged to the whore I was cheating with. Rielle Hunter? But really, you don't know them all and I'll bet that pisses you off, huh? You mean there were MORE? You bastatrd you! You're so hot when you're mad. I'd do you right now if you weren't buried. Don't bother. You screwed me plenty when I was alive.

The Autograph Hound by ragu4u 1-07-11

Hey, I know you!   ?   Tony Shalhoub, right?

Boyz L Be Boyz by ragu4u 1-08-11

Oh yeah...ooh baby more, more...harder... Hey Mikey, come here and listen to them. I peaked in and ......oh brother, what I saw! So? So? Whadya see? Birds of a feather flocking together. "Flocking", my ass.

"Cop Takes No Crap" by ragu4u 1-08-11

That's gonna cost ya $50, kid. Huh? What'd I do? Ya defecated in public. Actually, I defecated in my "Pampers". That'll be $50 more for being a wise ass. Hey, I smell a rat........(among other things).

Monkey Shines by ragu4u 1-08-11

What are you doing on this street? Who me? I'm a realtor here to beautify the neighborhood. Then why did throw that banana skin out in the street? To increase "Curb a-peal"? @%$#

Plucked From the Headlines by ragu4u 1-08-11

I'm here at the Safeway Market in Tucson, Arizona where Congresswoman Giffords is about to speak on..... Then Mayhem, Gunfire & Mass Pandemonium Erupts ..... Damn politicians will do anything to draw a crowd. They call this joint "Safeway"? HA!

A Perfect Match by ragu4u 1-08-11

I want a man to love me. I want to be desired. OK, just step in my "Super Hottie Maker 2011". Moments Later... Hey, what happened to me? Success, that's what! Steven Hawking is cumming all over himself as we speak!

South of the Border by ragu4u 1-09-11

Mexican Souvenirs, that's what!

Foiled Again! by ragu4u 1-09-11

Did you know Doritos made a sacrilegious ad for the Super Bowl? The one where a priest was handing them out as Holy Communion? So you DO know. Isn't it horrible? What's horrible is that they pulled the ad and now we're screwed. How so? I was gonna do the same thing plus, as a bonus, dip them in salsa and serve em with Sangria!

A Walk in the Park by ragu4u 1-09-11

Shouldn't we be taking shelter? Your place or mine? My place. Let's hurry. I'll bring the condoms. "Carpe Diem", I always say!

Situation Well in Hand by ragu4u 1-10-11

Stand to in my quarters, ya scurvy knave and be quick about it. Aye aye, skipper. Take that, ye lowley bilge rat! Ye won't be makin anymore unwanted advances on MY ship. Now get OUT! Whew! I could have sworn he said..."All hands on dick".

Saving a Buck by ragu4u 1-10-11

And this saves us corporate dollars, how? This way I could fire the daycare worker. I pooped in my socks. Did you shit? I still gotta work out the kinks.

CC 467 "Hawaii 5-Oh" by ragu4u 1-10-11

Book em, Dano! But Steve, no law was broken. I said, "Book em, Dano!" I WISH there was a law against guys who say nothing but..."Book em, Dano!" Book em, Dano! Hey, you're a fairy. Where's Dano? That's it, you're coming with me for violation of the (NEW) B.e.D. ordinance.

N.R.A. News Junkies by ragu4u 1-10-11

Hello...I'm Rachel Madcow spewing more vitriol and angry rhetoric about gun control, here on Mess-NBC. I'm locked & loaded! Go ahead, make my day. I'll get her in my crosshairs. One shot, just gimme one shot. Will one of you guys untie my arms so I can sign for the assault weapon that just got delivered?

Sunny Beach! by ragu4u 1-10-11

Don't go in the water. Sharks have been spotted. Many thanks, but you better hang some signs with that hammer & nails. Now where can I hang em? Hmm? Don't ye even think about it!