Fatherly Advice by ragu4u 6-19-11

Happy Father's Day! I'm not THAT kind of father. But evweebody calls you Father. You'll just have to trust me, little one. Come to my office and I'll explain. Hey, I'm not THAT kind of little girl. Oh well, no harm in trying.

The Lesser of Two.... by ragu4u 6-19-11

Did those bullies beat you out of your lunch money again? Not today, ma. Today I got to eat but they beat me up for having no money left. So should I just make you a sack lunch from now on? I'd rather take a beating.

Junior Achievement by ragu4u 6-20-11

Will ya, huh? I could be arrested for that, girlie. No way. My daddy is a cop & he said it will be OK. Well then..... So how many copies of the tape did ya make? I've got 100 orders, already! Tape?

Twice is Nice by ragu4u 6-20-11

So Hilary's intern became a porn star, eh Barry? Yeah Michelle. She starred in "Fine Bare White Asses 4". And how would YOU know THAT? I'm the President, Michelle. It's my job to KNOW everything. So you're saying you never watched it even one time? Exactly dear....I never watched it "ONE" time!

Recently, in Oregon by ragu4u 6-21-11

So you admit you actually pissed into our 8 million gallon water resevoir? Yeah, Mayor....about a full pint. You know we had to dump it all? Ha! Fooled ya! I never did it! Bwahahaha! Later that month.... Dweezil, do you have any idea why our water bill is $2,750,000.00 this month? Uh...the kitchen faucet does drip a little.

Parochial School by ragu4u 6-21-11

Sometimes I wish it was back in my dad's day... ...when the Nuns carried rulers. Hold out your hand, young mister!

Just a Thought by ragu4u 6-22-11

But Barry, all your generals say you need to keep a large number of troops in the Middle East. I've got two words for THEM, Michelle. "Fuck em", we're pulling out! What's the worst that can happen?

Times: They Are A' Changin by ragu4u 6-22-11

Would you vote to legalize marijuana? Legalize it? Shit...then I'd go broke and have to go on Medicaid. But you and everyone of your friends, neighbors and relatives are already on Medicaid. We is? Oh yeah...we is. So how would you vote? No comment, Be-atch!

Excuses, Excuses by ragu4u 6-23-11

Here in St. Louis, we figure 3 Marines with a knife should be able to handle 2 unarmed muggers. But we were drunk. They were blind midgets. But we were drunk. So were they. They must have known MMA!

Instant Karma by ragu4u 6-23-11

Reading comics on the job? Clean out your desk. You're fired! But Melvin told me to.... You say that Melvin said you could walk out with this stuff? I'll just see about THAT! Allowing workers to leave with boxes of company stuff is theft. Clean out your desk. You're fired!

The New "Pink Slip" by ragu4u 6-24-11

"Look up over your left shoulder." I don't see anything. You're fired!

Sweet Dreams by ragu4u 6-25-11

Damn...57 channels and they all are playing "Gilligan's Island"! I'm going to sleep. After Two Trazodone.... Say Ginger, how's about you and MaryAnn polishing the Skipper's knob. Sure Skipper but can... ...we do each other, too? I say, Lovey, who would have thought you could take on Gilligan & the professor at the same time?

Real Housewives of "The Mt. Palomar Observetory" by ragu4u 6-26-11

Did you realize an asteroid will pass within 7500 miles of earth on 6/27/2011? Like, far out, mother *bleeper*. Should I, like, be *bleeping* concerned? It seems rather close but, not really. Won't there be, like, a *bleeping* "air tsunami" or some such *bleep*? An "air tsunami"? Say...how did you get in here, anyway. I sucked the guards *bleep* and then let him lick my *bleep*.

Wild, Wild, Gram by ragu4u 6-26-11

Pardon me. Would you consider yourself Liberal, Conservative or independant? I'm a dyed in the wool "tea bagger", sonny! Hehe...I'm sure you mean you align with the "Tea Party" people, right? Strip down and squat over my face. I'll show ya just what I mean. Oh my lord. We'll have to edit that part out, lady. What? Why? You mean you aren't really Joe Francis?

Self Publishing by ragu4u 6-26-11

In case you're wondering...I am the Bunny Man in the children's story "Bunny Man & the Beanstalk". Excuse me? Jack? Who's Jack? There is no "Jack"! Now I sincerely hope there will be no more mention of this ficticious "Jack" person during my book tour.

We'll Share Popcorn Later by ragu4u 6-26-11

Hello. I'm Joe Buck...the "Midnight Cowboy". So you expect ME to blow YOU in a movie theater, right? So you've seen my movie, huh? Only the juicy parts. You DO have the money this time, right? What? Did you forget this scene totally?

Let Me Rephrase That! by ragu4u 6-26-11

Hi there. May I take your hat and jacket off? I swear to god, if you beat off into my hat I'll fuck you up! I need an Apple-tini!

Don't Question Authority by ragu4u 6-27-11

Well? So, I'm fired, huh? Yup, pretty much! Well......HOW MUCH? See! It's shit like THAT, that got you fired. Shit like WHAT?

The Rod Gets The Shaft by ragu4u 6-27-11

Let's see if I can grab a word with former Governor Blowboyobitch. Huh? Gov. Blowboyobitch, you look stunned. I just took it in the ass from a bunch of brainless jurors. HELLO-O? Maybe YOU taking the stand wasn't such a great idea. Are you kidding? Then those worthless, cocksucking dumbells would never have gotten to see how nice of a guy I really am.

T.S.A. vs. "The Feces of Death" by ragu4u 6-28-11

You're not serious? You wanna search my diaper for explosives? It's T.S.A. regulations, sir. What regulation is THAT? I suspect you're carrying a bomb, fella, so cooperate. A bomb? What kinda bomb? No offense buddy, but I'm thinking it's one massive STINK bomb. I'll need to double up on the rubber gloves.

They Thrive On Attention by ragu4u 6-28-11

HOW SICK? That fat guy by the pick-up is mind fucking me. I better move. Hey...he quit looking. I gotta admit...I'm so damn HOT I'd mind fuck me, too!!

A Good Listener by ragu4u 6-29-11

Father, I've had horrible thoughts of perverted sex. Would you like me to hear your confession? I'm not sure about th.... Please! Maybe tomorrow, Father. Pretty please! C'mon now....don't make me beg.

Wanna Straw With That? by ragu4u 6-29-11

Gonna do another lemonade stand this year? Nah. Why not? The damned "Board of Health" won't let me. They won't? They seem to think 50 pubic hairs couldn't get into lemonade, accidentally!

Race Relations by ragu4u 6-30-11

Teach me Ebonics, mister! What do I look like, "Hot-For Words"? Beat it, punk. OH no...you're MUCH hotter than Marina. Teach me the language of the black man's love. That's it. I'm gonna kick yo cracker homo ass from here to Hoboken. You didn't use the term "bitch mother fucker" even once. Are you sure you're really black? You sure you wanna find out?

You Can Tune a Piano, but.... by ragu4u 6-30-11

Sorry, Charlie. I'm the REAL... ..."Chicken of the Sea"! Why don't you "Star-Kiss" my ass?