Size Doesn't Matter by ragu4u 12-03-11

Hey buddy...can you spare a dime? Well? You already got a dime in there. A nickel? All you could spare was a lousy nickel? Nickel is bigger. Don't know why he not happy?

Those "Berlitz" Pranksters by ragu4u 12-03-11

Ooh...me so horny! Hey, are you sure you're old enough to do this stuff? Excuse, please? What? "Horny" not really mean "hungry"?

Wanted Posters by ragu4u 12-04-11

Armed & Dangerous Armed & Dangerous Just Dangerous

A Screwy Tale by ragu4u 12-04-11

Please, get me down. I would but...... ...they didn't use nails. They used phillips headed screws. Oh I'm screwed, alright!

Boni Maroni by ragu4u 12-05-11

Wanna hear something odd? Go for it! My "Super Bowl" tickets arrived today and they came with a vomit bag. That isn't odd, considering... Considering what? Madonna is doing the halftime show.

How Rusty Got His Name by ragu4u 12-06-11

Ha! You call that vienna sausage a dick? Aw fuck!

Removed by ragu4u 12-07-11

Maybe next time you'll... ...turn that damned cell phone off when I tell ya to.... ...Mr. Baldwin! I wish she would have thrown him out BEFORE we took off.

Wait for it...wait for it! by ragu4u 12-08-11

Somewhere in St. Louis.... The L.A. Angels win Albert Pujols for almost $260 million bucks. WHAT? That dirty S.O.B. Now.....how do I unload that $200 "Pujols" Cardinal jersey I just bought?

Aw, nuts! by ragu4u 12-09-11

"Le Video Shoppe" Squirrel Porn? What the hell is THAT? You're kidding. Nevermind. I can't believe that dumbshit didn't have "tea bagging" videos.

Haji's Quick Mart by ragu4u 12-10-11

I'd like the new "Playboy", please. Ya mean the one with Lindsay Lohan on the cover? Why? She's totally air-brushed. All babes with long hair use a hair brush, dummy. I said "Air-brushed"! "AIR-BRUSHED"! They probably won't even show her bush. So she doesn't really have long hair? I hear she has dreadlocks. But you don't mean pubic hair, do you?

Ask a silly question... by ragu4u 12-10-11

Hey! Yeah? What's your favorite movie? "A Farewell to Arms". What a Dick!

Wish List by ragu4u 12-11-11

"...and we heard him exclaim as he roared out of sight..." "...I'm loving your jugs and I want a big bite"? Uh...no! "...let me sit on your face and I'll feel just right"? NO, again! Santa isn't like that. Damn. So I guess my blow up doll isn't coming this year either?

Stand-Up Night at the "Y" by ragu4u 12-11-11

If I dood it I dit a whippin. Piss, shit, fuck, cock sucker, mother fucker, jackoffs... I dood it!

Money Shmuny by ragu4u 12-12-11

How can you justify screwing over the St. Louis Cardinal fans, Mr. Pujols? You claim it was never about the money. The "OC Sports Grill" by the Angels stadium has already named a burger after me. That's it? That's all it took to dump an 11 year loving fan base? No. I knew there HAD TO BE more. I get to eat free there every Monday. Praise Jesu Christi!!!

Cel-a-bra-tion Time, C'mon! by ragu4u 12-12-11

Jesus, did you know that the partridge in a pear tree from "The Twelve Days Of Christmas" referred to YOU? Really? Well then, I'm gonna get with the program. Whoa, Jesus! That ain't no partridge. No? Have ya seen David Cassidy lately? Touche'! Let's just say..."I'm gettin my freak on"!

Ooh, eeeeh, oooh, ah, ah! by ragu4u 12-13-11

Eh? What'd ya say? Lookin for a date, old timer? A date? No. Well then, what? I can fit all your needs. What I need, a date won't fix. But a nice glass of prune juice should bust up the log jam. Oooh...kinky!

Butch Flunked Catechism Class by ragu4u 12-13-11

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..." This house seems to have the spirit. I'll leave a gift. (knock, knock) NOW, who's at the damned door? This is Christmas, not Good Friday, moron!

Mr. Fix It by ragu4u 12-14-11

Hey, are you the Super of this building? Atsa me, by golly! I think I've had a power outage. Can ya fix it? You betcha, by golly! Hey...I'm fixed. Thanks. Justa doing my job, by golly!

Free Lunch by ragu4u 12-15-11

May I be of service? I want my money back. Why? There was a human in my soup.

Hitch-22 by ragu4u 12-16-11

Christopher Hitchens? You've got some balls trying to get into heaven! I'm a closet, deathbed convert, your royal highness. OK then...to the closet you go! Hmm, nice walk in closet...but damn, it's hot in here. Can I check your gown for ya, fella?

Tis the Season... by ragu4u 12-16-11

Gimme 100 "Forever Stamps", you asshole! Huh? Make it snappy. I'm in a hurry. Well then I had better remind you Gaaaa! ...that in a few seconds you WON'T be needing "Forever Stamps".

That Little Extra Touch by ragu4u 12-17-11

That damned chef fired me. Then why are you smiling? He doesn't know it but I just shot my wad into the green jello bowl. Please, keep your voice down! What was that about the jello?

Origins of Giving by ragu4u 12-18-11

Thousands of years ago.... Tense, pops? A bit. How can you tell? Your fists are clenched tight. Oh those? Not to worry. I'm just holding on tight to my admission to the Buddah Museum. They make you pay to come in & see their God? Yeah. The call it tithing. Make a note of that, boy!

The Smart Alec by ragu4u 12-19-11

Any positive word on who will replace the deceased Kim Jong Ill, Mr. President? Um..... ...I was kind of hoping Alec Baldwin, maybe?

The Double Mastectomy by ragu4u 12-19-11

My HMO suggested I come here. Not to worry. The doctor can do this very quickly & economically. Oh good. I'm so relieved. Strip off that shirt and I'll have you outta here in 10 minutes.