Boy, oh boy, I wanted to try and write a series and see if I could make it reasonably funny, or at least as consistantly funny as Hi and Lois. I used a character that I had liked from one of my previous comics. I'll start off with the comics that i first did and we'll go from there.

CC179: Darby Dillman, Lonely man by mmyers 4-02-03

On a remote island off the coast of Khaki-noslacky, Hawaii One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do, Two can be as bad as one, it's the loneliest number since the number one... Boy, I'm so lonely that I'd have sex with the number 'one'. I'm not sure how I'd do that...maybe I could stick it up my butt.

CC179: Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (2) by mmyers 4-03-03

I've been on this island for so long, I've run out of things to fantasize about about, sexually, that is. I've forgotten what a woman even looks like. Now all I fantasize about is that palm tree on the hill that I can't seem to reach. The way it shakes its leaves, knowing how good it looks. I'm only human, for Pete's sake. Besides, you grow leaves like that, you're just asking for it.

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (3) by mmyers 4-03-03

Darby's Journal: April 3, 2003. What I have found that i miss most, since being on the island, is the internet chatrooms. My mind wanders. [12:30] (Darby) You suck donkey balls. [12:30] (Fire69) ..... [12:31] (Darby) Troll. [12:31] (Darby) Why don't you just leave, asshole? [12:31] (Fire69) .... [12:32] (Darby) That's it, you're banned! [12:34] (Darby) God, I'm lonely... [12:34] (Fire69) Phhssss...

And now the series.

Darby Dillman, lonely man (1) by mmyers 8-19-03

Darby's journal: August 19. I wish I had packed things to keep myself busy on the island. There's only so many ways you can alphabetize seaweed. Things are progressing nicely with the nice rock I met the other day. I'm having dinner with her parents Friday. If all goes well, she could be Mrs. Sedimentary Dillman. Holy smokes, something's washed up on the shore. It looks like a big crate! Wait until I tell the trees what I found!

Darby Dillman, lonely man (2) by mmyers 8-21-03

Thanks for having me over to your house, Frank and Biff. I just had to tell someone about the keen box that washed on shore. Well let me make us some white wine spritzers and then we'll just sit down and gab about all the details. Be right back. I'm so glad that you came over. We love having company over for cocktails. We just bought a karoake machine. I like Cher songs best. Heh, sounds good to me. Boy, these guys are soooo gay.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Darby Dillman, lonely man (3) by mmyers 8-21-03

So you haven't opened the box up to see what's in it yet? How exciting? Isn't that exciting, Frank? Why haven't you opened it yet, Darby? I'm scared. I've been on this island so long that it's hard for me to know what's real or not. I don't want to get my hopes up and then have it turn out to be nothing. You wanna have a three way?

Darby Dillman, lonely man (4) by mmyers 8-21-03

Just to show how important you are to me, Sedementary, I've dragged the box all the way over to your part of the island to open it in front of you. Holy shit! It's a raft! I'm free! I'm free! Yeah for us! We're free! We're going to finally get off this stinking island! Hello?

Darby Dillman, lonely man (5) by mmyers 8-21-03

Darby's Journal 08/21/03: Sedementary is giving me the silent treatment. I suppose I must go it alone. Besides, she weighs approximately 3 tons. I like 'em heavy, sure, but 3 tons? I must sail alone. *puff* *puff* An inflatable Safety Donkey?

#6 is a special collector's edition, out of print

Darby Dillman, lonely man (7) by mmyers 8-26-03

Darby's journal: 08/26/03: Having become restless, I have decided to use my inflatable Safety Donkey to make a break for civilization. I said my goodbyes to everyone on the island, and in particular, Sedementary. I told her I'd write to her if I could and that I'd send back for her once I got back home. She just stared. Honestly, I was glad she didn't say anything. Looking at her as I sailed away, it reminded me, I've always said, her smile was metamorphic, her personality was igneous, but her temper is volcanic.

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (8) by mmyers 8-28-03

Darby's journal: August 28. I've been at sea for two days now, riding on the back of my Safety Donkey. The trip hasn't been bad, except for the motion sickness and the circling sharks. Yesterday, vultures started circling overhead too. Eventually, they started getting tired of circling, though. Without any place to land, they started plopping into the water. The sharks gobbled them up pretty quickly. Now the sharks are looking up in the air waiting for more to fall, which is better for me. The sharks look like a wack-a-mole game when they come up.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Darby Dillman, Lonely man (9) by mmyers 8-28-03

Darby's journal: Made a sad discovery today, with the help of Safety Donkey. Safety Donkey is not to be used as a floatation device. Please use under adult supervision. Please do not fill with warm air. Sadly, warm air was the only air I had access to on the island. Also, there was that thing about Safety Donkey not being a floatation device. It's written in like 20 different languages. What more did you need?

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (10) by mmyers 8-29-03

Oh man, where am I? I must be having some kind of S-and-M dream, complete with leather daddies with hooks and swords. No, matey, we pulled you out of the sea. You are aboard the SS Nemoy, and I'm the captain of this here vessel, Blackie McCheeseboro. An S-and-M vessel? No, we mostly catch fish and push barges along the southern coastline of the US, from New Orleans to Texas. New Orleans, the S-and-M capitol of the south? No...well, yes New Orleans is the S-and-M capitol...look, do ye want to be rescued or not?

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (11) by mmyers 8-29-03

*Knock*Knock* Mama, it's me, Darby, your long lost son come back after these long fifteen years. Darby...is that you? Yes, mama, it's me, your long lost Darby. *weep* I need your help getting this lid off the pickle jar. And get inside, you're letting all the flies out.

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (12) by mmyers 9-02-03

Who the hell are you? It's me, Darby, your dad. My dad died in 1985 of lung cancer. Oh...did I say I was your dad? What I meant to say is that I'm the guy who's been living in your room and poking your mom on the side. I think I need to lay down. Hey, it's about time you got a job, don't ya think? Stopped leeching off your ma and me. I own White Krystal, the home of the small hamburger. You can come and work for me.

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (13) by mmyers 9-02-03

Darby's journal, September 1: Today, I started my job at the White Krystal. Thank you for chosing White Krystal, home of the small hamburger. May I take your order? Hi, I'm Darby Dillman. I'm here to start working. Would you like fries with that? No, no. I work here now. My mom's boyfriend hired me. I just need someone to show me where I can change into my outfit. Would you like to UP size that for 50 cents more? You get a large drink and fries. Could I speak to a manager, please?

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (14) by mmyers 9-02-03

I appreciate your hiring me, Miss Chicka. I'll do my best. Hey Darby, if you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean. Sponge the counters if you have nothing better to do. Um, I think the counters haven't been sponged here in about a decade. It seems redundant to do it now. If you've got time to talk back, you've got time to drain fat. I want you to drain the fat bins underneath the grills. I've noticed your managerial style involves rhyming things. Um...if I've got time to grab a broom, do I have enough time to go to the bathroom? I really gotta pee. Pee on your own time. If you've got time to complain, you've got...I'll be in my office making up more rhymes.

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (15) by mmyers 9-02-03

Thank you for trying White Krystal, would you like... Shut up, you acne faced geek and let me give you my fucking order. I want a #4, without lettuce and with extra mustard. Think you can handle that, junior? Would you like to Up size that for... Did I say that I wanted to Up size it? No I didn't! I asked for a #4, without lettuce, didn't I? Is that so hard to get through your thick skull? It's nice to be back in civilization. I've missed human contact. Chop-chop, jerky, I don't want to be late for banging your girlfriend..

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (16) by mmyers 9-03-03

Mama, today at work, they were playing music over the speakers, I think it was Bryan Adams, and he said, "These are the best days of our lives," and I was thinking, you know, these are the best days. Darby, go get momma some Kool-Aid. She's watching her stories.

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (17) by mmyers 9-04-03

Dear Sedementary@yahoo.com, I'm writing this email to you in the hope that the island now has internet access and that you have it and that you have an account with yahoo and that this is your email. I tried to write you a letter but not having the exact of the island made that difficult. I thought something more extreme might be in order. I tried to put a message in a bottle and throw it into the ocean, but there was a beach cop there and he kept swimming out and retrieving it. I was fined $75 for littering. 'Romance is dead' he said.

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (18) by mmyers 9-04-03

I still would like to send back for you and I hope you haven't found someone else. I saw the way that the palm tree looked at you. I'll bet he jumped at the opportunity. Anyway, I love and miss you. Feels like I'm forgetting something. Oh yeah... ROFL IMAO OMFG LOL ;-P >:( XXXOOXX Darby69@hotmail.com

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (19) by mmyers 9-08-03

Thank you for coming to White Krystal, would you like to order one of our combos today? Actually, I'm working here now. My name is Ramona. Oh, my name is Darby. Well, it's nice to meet you Darby. Gosh, if everyone is as friendly as you are, I think I'm going to be just fine here. I have a girlfriend who's a 2 ton piece of rock but she's on an island in the south Pacific. I just thought you should know that I'm in a commited relationship. My boyfriend is away in the Navy and has been overseas for the last 8 months. I'm awfully lonely. I thought you should know that I'm easy.

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (20) by mmyers 9-09-03

Well, my first day at work went pretty well, I think. Sure did. The way you cleaned the pipes in the kitchen was very arousing. Excuse me? I mean that strictly in a penis way. I see. I meant to say professional way. I would never want to violate you orally, I mean aurally. Oh for crying outloud.

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (21) by mmyers 9-09-03

Knight to Rook 4. I tell you, electronic chessboard from Radio Shack, you're the only one I can talk to. I've got a major problem. Pawn to Knight 3. Bishop to Queen 6. Pawn takes Knight. There's a girl named Ramona at my job and she's really coming on to me. She bends over in front of me and brushes me with her boobs. What do I do? Bishop takes Queen while King is off in the Navy. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. You're not like the electronic chess games that I remember from before I was ship wrecked.

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (22) by mmyers 9-10-03

Darby's journal: Today I worked the drive-thru. Here's your burger and fries, sir. And I remembered to hold the pickles, just like you asked. 'Night. I'd like to hold your pickles, Darby. Um, since I'm the night manager and all, I'll need you to make sure the bathrooms are all cleaned up, Ramona, you know, before we close and all that. I'd like to make sure YOU'RE all cleaned up after we close and all that. I see what you're doing, turning everything I say into something vaguely sexual, but I must say, I'm not interested in your advances. This one is going to be a little more difficult than the first two, but...um, OK. I'd like to advance YOU. Not my best innuendo, but, hey, you work with what you get.

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (23) by mmyers 9-11-03

Alright, Ramona, looks like we're ready to close up...Ramona? Where are you? I'm on the floor, Darby, naked and rubbed down with bacon grease from the grill. Ooh-la-la. Oh dear lord. Yep, I'm all greased up and ready for action, Darby. I'll be your super sized happy meal, hold the inhabitions. Did you use all of our lettuce making that rug on the floor? I sure did, and you should see what I did with all the bacon.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

I told you it was long.

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (24) by mmyers 9-11-03

Enough is enough, I can't take this anymore. I'm not supposed to be in the city. I'm an island guy. I should have stayed put. Mamma, I'm leaving and going back to my island, if I can find it, and you'll never see me again. So long, mamma. You're not going to get your security deposit back, I hope you know that. And grab the trash on your way to the curb!

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (25) by mmyers 9-26-03

Darby's Journal: The Journey begins...and then ends rather rapidly. I'm coming back to you, Sedimentary! I'm...what's that noise? Phhssssssssss..... Stupid patch kit. You know, come to think of it, why didn't I just got to the store and get a new raft? Phhssssssssss..... It's funny. I've always heard that when you're drowning that you feel warm and cosey, but I can say that that's not so. I feel cold and stiffled. No, wait, I just urinated. Say, that is better. Phhssssssssss.....

Darby Dillman, Lonely Man (26)-The End by mmyers 9-26-03

Darby's Journal: Somehow I made it back to the island and my sweet Sedimentary. I regailed her with stories of my brush with civilization. And then Ramona bent over and you could see that she was wearing a thong...why is your eye twitching like that? Meanwhile back in civilization... Um, I don't think it's good for us to be in the stock room alone together, Ramona. Nonsense. We're just having a conversation. Oop, I dropped my pen, I better bend over and pick it up...hey, what's that loud noise? Later... So explain it one more time for me. OK, we were talking and then all these rocks crashed through the roof and one of them had a letter on it that said, "Stay away from my man, bitch. S."

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

`^(

I can't believe it's over. Farewell, Darby.
Thanks for the laughs.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

This here is great stuff. I think #21 is my favorite. Though I do love the last line in #17.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

What an epic! I looked forward to each episode in the Darby Dilman series every time I saw one posted. And to think it started all the way back in CC179, the first one I won. My favourite is the one with the line "Safety Donkey is not to be used as a floatation device. Please use under adult supervision. Please do not fill with warm air."

thanks mm, mission accomplished - a quality series.

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Please replace the handset, and try again.