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Stripcreator » Comic Competitions » CC 228: Paternity Test

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habnem
optical delusion

Member Rated:

So, I've just seen "Big Fish," a tremendous movie, by the by, and it's got me thinking about fatherhood. Mind you, it hasn't made me want to be a father--fuck, I've never even managed to keep a hamster alive for more than a couple of months--but about fatherhood in general. Now I'm sick of thinking about it, so it's time for you folks to do it for me.

Show me some advice your father gave you, or something funny you saw a father do in public... anything along those lines. Hell, you can even use this space to recreate your favorite "little Billy" joke, for all I care. Just make it funny--and you'll even get extra points if you can be funny and poignant at the same time (I admit, I cried like a motherchicken at that damned movie; I thought I would have to leave).

Judging will happen Wednesday evening, after I've taken my dad to see "Big Fish." (:

---
- christ@myself.com - fuck a cat, kill yourself - my alter ego has five stars

1-10-04 6:23pm (new)
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Ewwwww
Dickmouth.

Member Rated:

Father Knows Best... by Ewwwww
1-10-04
Dad, I need your advice on this chick. I really like her, but she treats me like shit. What should I do?
Go fetch me a beer, boy.

---
"No obscene images." I guess I'll just have to settle for saying cocksucker a lot.

1-10-04 6:33pm (new)
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Ewwwww
Dickmouth.

Member Rated:

Father Knows Best...Again... by Ewwwww
1-10-04
Dad, I need help with my homework! Do you know how to....
Can you atleast look at me when you lie there?

---
"No obscene images." I guess I'll just have to settle for saying cocksucker a lot.

1-10-04 6:37pm (new)
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dcomposed
C3H5N3O9

Member Rated:

dcomposed and his dad (a semi-true story) by dcomposed
6-27-02
You're the reason your mother left us!
I know.
can I borrow the car?
CC 141: Life of dcom {3} by dcomposed
9-03-02
2000 - dcomposed - aged thirteen
Hey, son. I'm going to Canada to be with my women. Order yourself a pizza for dinner.
And stay away from my beer!
CC 141: Life of dcom {6} by dcomposed
9-03-02
Dad! you came back, again!
Damn right I came back! now shut your hole and make me some food!
I love you, dad.
Spare the hippie shit, son. If I want love I'll buy a hooker. what I want is some fucking dinner.
And get me a fucking beer while you're at it!
CC 141: Life of dcom {7} by dcomposed
9-03-02
Hi dad!
I know you only hit me 'cause you love me.
No. It's 'cause you're a lazy fucking faggot, get a job you fucking hippie or I'll beat you like I'm Andre the Giant and you're some little pussy who can get beaten by Andre the Giant.
CC 141: Life of dcom {8} by dcomposed
9-03-02
What the fuck is this? fucking wrestling! wrestling is for fags! you like watching half naked guys roll around in a ring with each other? you fucking disgust me! here, put this on.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! son, pull down my pants! I'm feeling horny!
oooh! aaaah! FUCK ME! YEAH! I LIKE IT IN MY ASS!

---
Batman created by Bob Kane

1-10-04 6:37pm (new)
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dcomposed
C3H5N3O9

Member Rated:

Chemical Imbalances: 09-1986-Chlamydia by dcomposed
10-05-03
We have a sexy baby boy! And his penis is so large!
I fucked a hooker and now I have Chlamydia.
I have to tell you so you don't fuck me and get it.
No more babies for a while then?
Chemical Imbalances: 13-BALLS by dcomposed
10-09-03
You're what, two now?
Time for you to start playing football.
Better late than never I suppose.
Chemical Imbalances: 14-BALLS-2 by dcomposed
10-09-03
You're like a midget, you're even smaller than the ball.
I doubt you could even hold it.
So I'm just going to throw it at your head really, really hard.

---
Batman created by Bob Kane

1-10-04 6:38pm (new)
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boinky33
I'm with stupid ^

Member Rated:

why I'm so screwed up (1) by boinky33
5-31-03
boinky, get my belt.
Why? What did I do?
You questioned getting my belt!

why I'm so screwed up (2) by boinky33
5-31-03
boinky33 was searching through the closet......
Dad! Did you kill another hooker again?
No, not since last christmas. That's probably an old one.
Nope, it's pretty fresh.
Really?
*SLAM!*
No calls!

why I'm so screwed up (3) by boinky33
5-31-03
Dad, where's grandma?
I sold her for cigarettes.
WHAT?
I SOLD HER FOR CIGARETTES!

why I'm so screwed up (4) by boinky33
5-31-03
Daddy, what type of wonders lie at the end of a rainbow?
FAG!!!!

1-10-04 6:59pm (new)
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ObiJo
Eamus Catuli

Member Rated:

A conversation with my dead father by ObiJo
1-10-04
Dad, you remember how you didn't do chemotherapy despite it giving you an 80% chance to live?
Well I just want to say that
Yes, I remember.
HOLY SHIT!!
I also remember that coroner you hired who worked out of the back of his van.

---
I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

1-10-04 7:06pm (new)
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mmyers
Passing through.

Member Rated:

This is how Gary's Dad taught him lessons.
My friend Gary's Dad by mmyers
1-10-04
Did you drink all the orange juice out of the carton?
Yep.
You shouldn't drink out of the mouth of the OJ.
Because of germs? I finished off the carton.
No, you shouldn't drink out of the carton because I stick my dick in it to open it. It's a game I like to play with myself, you know, the "Open the OJ with your dick" game.
*Bleech*

---
Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

1-10-04 7:06pm (new)
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boinky33
I'm with stupid ^

Member Rated:

Family Circus by boinky33
12-18-03
Daddy, what's that thing between your legs?
Why, that's my sweaty cock, darling.

Dad's heart attack by boinky33
1-10-04
Dad, I have something to tell you.
What is it, son?
Well....I'm gay!
!!!!

guns by boinky33
12-09-02
Daddy, do own a gun?
No, honey.
Then why does mommy keep saying that you are shooting blanks?

my mission 33 by boinky33
12-29-03
Father....
Yes, my son?
Is this the only way?
Not really, but you forgot to take the trash out.
You could of just grounded me.
Hey, Dr. Phil says this is the most affective way.

J is for Jesus by boinky33
8-30-02
Did you take out the garbage yet?......
Shut up, dad!

1-10-04 7:13pm (new)
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boinky33
I'm with stupid ^

Member Rated:

dad's story by boinky33
6-21-03
Then I ate him...
Ate who?
Didn't you listen to my story, boy?
What story? All you did was come up here and say "then I ate him"!
It was great, wasn't it?

fighting by boinky33
6-01-03
I want the front seat!
No, I want the front seat!
Well, there's only one way to settle this!
That's right....
You must FIGHT TO THE DEATH!
!!!!!!!!

1-10-04 7:29pm (new)
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Ewwwww
Dickmouth.

Member Rated:

More Father Knows Best... by Ewwwww
1-10-04
Dad, why are you always laying down?
Well, its an interesting story that involves a Penis and a Vagina...

GrandFather Knows Best... by Ewwwww
1-10-04
Dad, I was wondering...
Go ask your grandpa.
What?
Hey grandpa!

Father Knows Best...In The Future! by Ewwwww
1-10-04
20 Years Later...
Hey Dad! Im going into space!
Yes Yes...
Go play your game in the backyard....Such a retard...

Father Knows...Jack shit! by Ewwwww
1-10-04
Dad! I've had enough! You are a fucking cunt!
What was that? I was taking a nap.

Boys just wanna have fun! by Ewwwww
1-10-04
Get in here boy! I need to talk to you!
What? Im right in the middle of a Basketball Game!
You dissapoint me.

---
"No obscene images." I guess I'll just have to settle for saying cocksucker a lot.

1-10-04 7:36pm (new)
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Rabid_Weasle
Professional style cramper

Member Rated:

CC 228: Kaufman Is My Daddy! by Rabid_Weasle
1-10-04
Dad... I'm thinking of dropping out of school.
You mean you're dropping out of COOL.
If anyone needs me I'll be drinking moonshine in the garage.

CC 228: Hooory Shit! by Rabid_Weasle
1-10-04
You know what my father always told me?
No, what?
Hooory shit! You could sell dis for fie dolla!

CC 228: It's Always Best To Tell Them When They're Young by Rabid_Weasle
1-10-04
Son... I think it's time we finally told you this, but... you're adopted.
W-what!? I'm adopted...?
Yes... you see, me and you're mother could never conceive a child...
No! No! This can't be!
Mom! Is this true?!

---
Poop.

1-10-04 7:38pm (new)
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Denyer
Hardcore Angster

Member Rated:

1-10-04 7:41pm (new)
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Inflatable_Man
Heart stopper. Hip hopper. Pill popper.

Member Rated:

---
Destroying my reputation one post at a time.

1-10-04 7:43pm (new)
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Denyer
Hardcore Angster

Member Rated:

Erotic Poetry by Denyer
1-10-04
Hey dad, I'm underage, so can you rent some porn for me?
Of course I will!
You know, everyone tells me you're a homo, but now you want porn! This is the best day of my life! So tell me, what porn should I get?
"All-Male Anal Invaders IX"

1-10-04 7:54pm (new)
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fox_in_box
Stripcreator Newbie

Member Rated:

1-10-04 9:03pm (new)
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MaxPayne
Senior Comic Technician

Member Rated:

I'd just like to take this opportunity to apologize in advance. First comic in over 6 months.

CC 288: A Good Heart-To-Heart by MaxPayne
1-11-04
Son, THE MOST important piece of advice I can give you is.... always pull out.
Pull out? But I don't understand? Pull out of what?
Well you know, so you don't get that bitch pregnant and end up with some little shit always asking for advice and ...
  ?  
On second thought, go to your room.

---
leggo my dcomposed! ®

1-11-04 3:15am (new)
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EvilZak
Senior Comic Technician

Member Rated:

I'll do some new ones later. First:

Eight simple rules by EvilZak
10-21-03
Can I go out with John this weekend, dad?
Hell fucking no! You know damn well he'll rape you if you look the wrong way for one second, and I refuse to let you get raped!
If it means that much to you, I'll consent!

Prevent child abuse by EvilZak
10-19-03
You bastard, I know what you did to the baby, and I want a fucking divorce!
But I used a condom this time!

The facts of life by EvilZak
10-24-03
Son, we have to have a talk. A talk about the birds and the bees...
Okay.
What would you like to know?

(Ellipsis) by EvilZak
1-04-04
So what's your family doing right now?
My older brother's on the computer.
My younger brother's...
Actually, your older brother is in the bathroom at this instant.

---
AFROMANS MOVE

1-11-04 5:39am (new)
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Xuanwu
The Professor

Member Rated:

Anime Guide 15 - EVA: Father and Son Moments by Xuanwu
1-11-04
Dad... we haven't talked in a while. Not since Mom died all those years ago.
She's not dead, Shinji. Her soul is in the giant robot you use to fight those monsters.
WHAT? But... why?
We thought a mother-son team would have a good chance to save the world. And that blue haired girl you keep feeling up is actually your Mom's clone.
I never knew she had such a nice rack.
Your mother's never been tighter, either.

1-11-04 2:15pm (new)
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IB_XC
Member - Tobor Fan Club

Member Rated:

It started out as a real life event, was turned into a crude comic when I was BDD, and now it has been refined. It's not winning material, but I deem it presentable for CC228.
CC 228: Insults & Ignorance (No offense to kaufman) by IB_XC
1-11-04
Say Dad, I've got a date tonight and I was wondering if I could have a little cash.
Oh, I think I might be able to help you out, son...
Dad, what the hell is that?
Ta-da! Oh wait, you said cash.
Damn right I did. Shit, Dad, you're such a stupid fudgepacker!
I don't pack fudge, I eat it!

And here's a three-parter for you.
CC 228: Big Fish by IB_XC
1-11-04
Son, may I have a word with you?
Uh...sure, alright...what is it?
Son...you are adopted.
I...I don't know what to say...
Let me explain, son. There's a perfectly good reason for all this.

CC 228: Big Fish (2) by IB_XC
1-11-04
"After your mother and I were married, we began trying to have children."
I love you, Tiffany. Let's begin to try to have children.
Oh Rick...let's do it!
"For one reason or another, it never worked out."
Mr. Fishton, I'm sorry, but your wife is not pregnant. You're a dolphin and she's a shark - it just can't happen!
*sob sob* You're lying, you crazy quack! I'm never going to come to you again!
So you want to adopt? Great! I've got a ton of fish eggs right here. You just take your pick, Mr. Fishton.
Splendid! I'll take that cute little red guy right there.

CC 228: Big Fish (3) by IB_XC
1-11-04
...and we got you, the cutest little guy in the whole bunch, and raised you as our own. Just remember, Timmy, it doesn't mean we love you any less.
...it's alright. I'm going to ah...go play with my friends now. Bye!
Hey Steve, was that crazy dolphin talking to you?
Yeah, he seemed to think I was his son. He told me this awful story about he adopted me, and he made several references to underwater humans. And look at him now! Is he trying to cuddle that shark?!
*CHOMP!*
Ooooh! I guess you won't have to worry about that happening again.
Ugh. Come on, let's go down to the sandbar for a drink. All this dolphin senility is making me thirsty.

---
"Oedipus, you motherfucker!"

1-11-04 2:17pm (new)
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possums
FERN DESTROYER

Member Rated:

CC 228: Paternity... blah blah etc. by possums
1-11-04
This time, we're ripping off The Godfather!!
You know.... everytime I see my son....
I think to myself....
His mother probably wouldn't want to see him like this.
I oughta make you an offer you can't refuse.

1-11-04 6:40pm (new)
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kaufman
Director of Cats

Member Rated:

CC 228: Advice to a failed all-star by kaufman
1-12-04
78 years and I still haven't figured out why papa told me to keep my eye on the ball.

CC 228: A Source of a Different Color by kaufman
1-12-04
Son, soon you're going to reach the age where you'll have the opportunity to try brand new experiences. And you'll want to.
People are going to offer you drugs. You won't know who they are, what's in the stuff they're offering you, and what it will do to you.
What I'm trying to say is that if you really want some dope, don't risk getting it from strangers. Tell me, and I'll score some good shit for you.

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

1-12-04 8:18am (new)
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Trihan
Stripcreator Newbie

Member Rated:

So THAT'S Where He Gets It From by Trihan
1-12-04
Dad, what do you think mom would say if she were alive today?
Hmm...
I'm sure she'd say "Gabe, son, you're a total screwup. But I love you anyway."
"Butch? What are you doing with that knife? No...please! Noooooo!"
What?

---
Trihan, bringing you neat stuff in an unnecessarily shiny, cylindrical can since 2001!

1-12-04 9:41am (new)
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mmyers
Passing through.

Member Rated:

Saturdays in the park with my stepson by mmyers
7-22-03
We don't talk enough, Scot. What would you like to talk about?
I'd like to know more about you, Mike. Got any advice for a kid turning 15 next week?
Advice? Let's see. Ok, when you're going out drinking, take a sinus pill before you go to sleep and you won't have a hangover.
Doesn't it seem kind of pathetic to have a plan set out for not getting a hangover?
Sure, but eventually you get sick of hanging your head over the toilet and saying you won't drink again. Eventually, you admit you are and you try to find ways around it.
Getting older is sad.

Saturdays in the park with my stepson (2) by mmyers
7-22-03
You got any other advice for me, Mike?
Well, I'm not advocating drug use in any way, but when I was a kid, they used to try and scare us with talk about 'acid flashbacks'.
Right, the LSD detaching from your spine and causing short acid trips.
Sure. Well that's all bullshit, man. In fact, I wish I'd have flashbacks because it's be a shitload cheaper than buying more acid.
Seems weird that they'd say something like that, you know, without any kind of foundation.
Hey man, they look it like "fear, not information", you know? Hey, let's take a short cut through this blackhole, dig?

Saturdays in the park with my stepson (3) by mmyers
7-23-03
Another thing, Scot, and I'm not endorsing cheating on your spouse, by any means, but one day, you might accidently cheat on your spouse or loved one.
Now when this happens, you might come home smelling like sex and you won't be able to take a shower. Now the best way to cover is fill up your tank with gas,
And as you're filling it, spill some on yourself. The smell will be so strong that it will cover up any residual after sex smell.
You know that you're marrying my mom, right?

Saturdays in the park with my stepson (4) by mmyers
8-26-03
I'll give ya another good piece of advice, Scot, always do your grocery shopping during the daytime, particularly on weekdays.
That seems to make sense.
Because the crowds are less and they are more apt to have sales on slower days, right?
Well that and that during the daytime is when strippers do all of their grocery shopping, probably because they work late nights. Now most of the time, I see them in the dairy aisles...
We should probably be heading home.

Sundays in the park with my stepson (5) by mmyers
9-03-03
When I was your age, Scot, little girls looked like little girls. Women didn't start getting boobs until they were 17 or 18, and sometimes not at all.
And older women looked old, too. Now with surgery and stuff, older chicks look like they're in their 30s. Teenage chicks looking older, older chicks looking young...
I tell you, man, it's a great time to be alive.

---
Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

1-12-04 1:52pm (new)
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mmyers
Passing through.

Member Rated:

Saturdays in the park with my stepson by mmyers
11-25-03
Fucking A, man, nature's a fucking beaut, ain't she? Trees and air and shit.
Yup. Mother nature should be respected and admired for all she does and the simplicity with which she does it.
An interesting fact about mothers and women in general and something you should know, when a woman takes her purse with her to the bathroom, she's probably on her period.
Why is that something I should know?
One time I asked a chick why she was taking her purse to the bathroom and she said, all shitty like, "Because I'm on my period!" Now I can't get it out of my head. I had to tell someone.
Ignorance is bliss.

Saturdays in the park with my stepson (2) by mmyers
11-25-03
Man Skot, no matter how much cash they say is going to charity, never attempt to jump boxes of kittens in a bulldozer.
Oh sure, they cheer you when you clear 'em but they'll boo your ass when you don't. It's all bullshit.
You didn't really do that, did you?
Naw, little dude, I was just shitting ya. Heh. Uh-oh, a Police officer. Let's hide under that car, you know, just for kicks.

Saturdays in the park with my stepson by mmyers
12-02-03
Hey Skot, what's the haps, little man?
Just reading the bible.
Hey, the bible! The bible is pretty cool, huh? That Jesus guy is like John Lennon and shit, huh? You know he gave us wine? And you know why he did it?
I can't wait to hear.
He wanted to give guys the courage to talk to chicks that were out of their league. Yeah, if a chick got drunk enough, she'd even go home with an ugly dude and that's cool.
I'm thinking it wasn't the bible that you were reading and that it might have been TV Guide.

Saturdays in the park with my stepson by mmyers
1-12-04
Erik, did you know that when a person on a bike raises their arm that it means they're turning?
No. I have a bicycle safety class next cemester.
Yeah, man, I didn't know that either.
I don't know who was sorrier that I didn't know that, me or the guy on the bike. Hey, I think I hear sirens, we better duck into this pub while it's still happy hour.

---
Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

1-12-04 1:53pm (new)
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