All comics by umpire

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by umpire
11-22-02
Crash and Burn: Funky Monkey
Burn, I told you about eating all those 'nanners!
Unnnggghhh.
Your going to pile drive your colon into another dimension
It's a comin, it's a comin'!!!.
It smells like we're in a can of roasted peanuts!!!...
Did I make such a fuss when your batteries fell out?

 

by umpire
11-22-02
Crash and Burn: New neighbors.
We aliens have come from many lightyears to give the people of Earth a gift.
Pray, what is that?
We can solve world hunger, violence, sickness, you name it.
Can you get Dennis Miller back on Monday Night Football?
I said alien, not miracle worker!!!
***sigh***

 

by umpire
11-22-02
Crash and Burn: Burning questions.
Dum tee dum tee dee...
There's something that I always wanted to know. Why do you guys bury your poo?
.
I guess 'cause we're clean animals, it's less disgusting than dropping it anywhere like a dog..
That makes sense.
.
Why do you guys swing from trees?
Because we're friggin' idiots?

 

by umpire
11-22-02
Crash and Burn: Deep space
Burn, I told you not to fool around with the controls...Now we have no idea where we're going!
Goes in yellow, comes out brown...
There's peanut butter in the computer terminals, crackers in the warp coil, and lemon aid all over the engine room??? What do you have to say for yourself?
Hmmm.... I didn't have lemon-aid I had a Diet Coke
What do you have to say?
Well, I can name one thing that went in brown and came out yellow..

 

by umpire
11-22-02
Crash and Burn: Paperclip called Desire.
Aliens on this planet are thin with all the right curves... yumm.
Me so horny, me love you long time cowboy....
C'mon be a sport and lend me fifty bucks.
You're the only guy I know that chubs up every time we drive by an Office Depot
Don't go, darlin' I'll have the money in a second...

 

by umpire
11-22-02
Crash and Burn: Black Sheep
Hey, you must be my long lost kid brother.
I think you must be mistaken...
C'mon home, mom and dad have cleaned up their acts... You know they stopped touching me and sis after you left!
I'm telling you, I'm not your brother...We're not even from the same series...
Can't you tell...I'm the freakin' monkey's uncle!!!
But it only shows around the eyes...

 

by umpire
11-22-02
Crash and Burn: Taco Bell
I am the mighty Gor, and I will destroy you with my mighty death ray...
***Frrrrrtttttt***
You have no hope of escape... I will destroy you..
Hmmmmpphhhh!
Never mess with a guy who spends most waking moments at the nearby Taco Bell...Word!

 

by umpire
11-23-02
Crash and Burn: Turning tables
Like what's happening my little furry friend?
One more step hairball, and I grab your nuts and run!
Oh, don't be scared little fella, I belong to PETA, I'd never hurt you... You're so cute and cuddly...
I told you...
Agghh!!! Holy crud, did you see what he did to that guy?
Like I always say, if apes were the dominant species, we'd have trophy rooms with human heads on them, and we'd sleep like babies...

 

by umpire
11-23-02
Crash and Burn: One night stand
You know I've been watching you all night. I'd love to go to your place and have some fun.
Really, like what?
We're not so different. I get off doing the same things you do...
You mean it?
Yep...
You mean you like poopin' in your hand and flinging it at people too?

 

by umpire
11-23-02
Crash and Burn: Episode One
Neyayyyayyahhh!
??? What are you supposed to be?
I'm friggin' R2D2 with a massive 'roid!
Jeez, that's disgusting...
Tell that to my dry cleaner!

 

by umpire
11-23-02
Crash and Burn: I remember when MTV played videos
Mummble, mummble, mummble...
Mummble, mummble, Shhhaaaaron!
Crash, why didn't you tell me the Osbourne's moved in next door.
I dunno...

 

by umpire
11-23-02
Crash and Burn: To boldly go...
We are your friends, we come from a distant galaxy and only want to be friends. Is that possible? Can we look beyond each other's differences?
Of course we wish to extend an olive branch for our two great civilizations to live in peace. We humbly bow before your great knowledge and wisdom.
Wonderful, then I will return to my people to relay these words of peace and hope. Secure in the knowledge that we can overcome our differences
We will eagerly await your return, my friend...
And I swear, the guy looked like an over-ripe watermelon catching a baseball!!!
Yeah, you're right, he does sound like a pig's douche bag.

 

by umpire
11-23-02
Crash and Burn: Do you want fries with that?
I can't believe that McDonalds would fight a lawsuit that is totally justified. They did sell food to kids and make them fat.
If we can't trust a huge corporation to look out for our kids, who can we trust? I'm totally disenchanted with them, what were they thinking?.
Maybe that the American people weren't a bunch of total retards that had to have their hands held every step of the way... That we'd use common sense.
Nah.
In a land that values freedom of choice, we sure want to run away from the reponsibility of that choice!

 

by umpire
11-23-02
Crash and Burn: Lunar Tunes
Nyah, what's up, Doc?
I'm a wascally wabbit!
We are sooooo getting sued!
That's all folks!

 

by umpire
11-23-02
Crash and Burn: Happy Holidaze
What would you like for Christmas little boy?
World peace...
That's a mighty tall order little fella...
Not if you're really Santa Claus.
How about Britney Spears gives me a happy ending?
Oh man, EVERYBODY asks for that!

 

by umpire
11-23-02
Crash and Burn: Night of the Living Dweeb.
Hu-ha! I am a freak of nature!
Just one more joker gets in my face, just one MORE!
I feel better...

 

by umpire
11-23-02
Crash and Burn: Penguins on Parade
Burn, why is it I never see you in church anymore?
I go to church...
Hmm, are you telling me the truth? God doesn't like it when someone is deceitful.
Wow, really?
Yes, the Lord will forgive you if you take responsiblity for your actions.
You mean like how quickly the Vatican worked to bring child molesters to justice?

 

by umpire
11-23-02
Crash and Burn: Hot and Spicy Texas Style
Allah will destroy you infidel pig-dogs
Ya think? Why would he want to do that?
There is only one true religion, only Islam. You are corrupt, you are defilers!
Corrupt? Defilers?
Indeed!
So, are we more or less corrupt than the group that took a religion of light into one of darkness and death?

 

by umpire
11-23-02
Crash and Burn: Bring in the homicidal clowns
Who the heck are you?
I'm John Wayne Gacey, a friend of your moms.
Why don't you let me walk you home?
Because I'd rather get there still breathing with my rectum intact.
You can walk me home...
Sorry, but your not my type... You don't have a weenie.

 

by umpire
11-23-02
Crash and Burn: Acid Rain
Merry Christmas Mr. Snowman!
What's so friggin' merry about it
The world is coming apart at the seams, poverty and pollution are killing thousands every day. How weak is it to wish someone a merry Christmas!
Well, I didn't think it could hurt to try to bring in some small bit of good cheer to you. What do YOU have to be upset about, you're a snowman?
I'm wearing a dead homeless guy's scarf and hat, and my nose was used as a dildo for your mom last night!
I see. I wonder if she used this banana too?

 

by umpire
11-23-02
Crash and Burn: Hard Looks.
Egbert, we shall take over the Earth without firing a shot!
Yes, Commander Gor. How will we manage that?
We attack on Super Bowl Sunday!
Why haven't we done this before?
Maybe because you have less ambition than a Mexican on Cinco de Mayo?

 

by umpire
11-24-02
Crash and Burn:Hey, hey we're the monkies!
I can't believe how short people's memories are!
How do you figure?
I heard they asked a bunch of college kids who the Beatles were, and hardly anyone knew the answer.
I just wonder what they think about Chuck Berry?
Who?
Sigh...

 

by umpire
11-24-02
Crash and Burn: Right is right.
Oh, look someone threw their kid away...That sucks.
I am not garbage I am a person...
How can you just leave me here?
Is it my fault your parents don't give a crap about you? Did I ask two emotionally immature folks to do the nasty? His fate is not my problem.
They didn't know better, you do. Who is more guilty?
?

 

by umpire
11-24-02
Crash and Burn: Meat and Potatoes
Man, do I crave schoolgirls!
Did you say something?
No, why?
I'm sorry, it's just sometimes when I'm doing my routine, guys start gawking... I hate that. You know what I mean?
You seem nice, though...
And so is your sweet little patootie!

 

by umpire
11-24-02
Crash and Burn: All I want for Christmas
Well, the holidays are upon us...
Yeah, I know...
Everybody is just running about, worring only about themselves, and the people they are closest to! That's not the holiday spirit.
It's terrible, terrible, it really is...
But not you. You took time out of your schedule just to sit and talk with me. That gives me hope. What are you planning to do for the holidays?
I'm waiting till you fall asleep so I can eat your friggen nose.

 

by umpire
11-24-02
Crash and Burn: Yo quiero Taco Bell
That's it, you've beefed on me for the last time!
I can't help it, those refried beans get me bad!
Then just stop eating there. I mean the windows look like a smoker's lungs.Anymore farting and I'm kicking you outside!!!
But what about my last dozen Burrito Supremes?
In space no-one can hear you beef...
Come back when you drawers aren't sticky!!!
You could have at least given me a diet Coke to wash them down with!!

 

by umpire
11-24-02
Crash and Burn: Taco Bell Episode II
Crash...can I come in now?
I'm done with the burritos... Can I come back in? I have to go to the bathroom.
Time passes...
Burn,you're so full of crap.
Oooops.... Well, I was...

 

by umpire
11-24-02
Crash and Burn: Ensemble players lament
I'm so depressed... My life is empty. All I do all day is wash, clean house, dust... Nobody loves me.
C'mon Red, what's eating you?
Crash and Burn bum all around the universe all day, and expect me to keep the home fires burning all by my lonely!
What's wrong with that? They've been doing it since before you came here, right?
But I want a change! It's not fair! Can't they see what this is doing to me? They've changed... *sob*
You need to get laid!

 

by umpire
11-24-02
Crash and Burn: Amazing tails
These pills will increase the size of your manhood, and turn back the hands of time...
They cure premature ejaculation and male pattern baldness...
Bitchin'
Isn't that amazing, Burn? I have to order some of these wonder pills!
Maybe you should send away for a dork and a handful of hair while you're at it smart guy.

 

by umpire
11-24-02
Crash and Burn: Fun with mirrors
Hey, Mister Whiskers... You better clear out of here before I shove that 'nanner where the sun don't shine!
?
This is actually a magic 'nanner and if you take one more step it will send you to hell!
Bullcrap, you're just a stupid monkey that enjoys making in his own pants! I'm not afraid of you!
Hi, with your wonderful people skills you should go far down here! I love a child with spirit...By the way, why are your pants still doing on?
I hate that damn dirty ape!

 

by umpire
11-25-02
Crash and Burn: Cry wolf
The end of the world is coming!!! The end of the world is coming!!!
You don't say.. What do we do?
The end of the world is almost here!!! The end of the world is almost here!!!
Aw, crap, my lotto numbers just came up...
I just love pulling people's puds.
As soon as he passes I'm gonna beat the hell out of him, and take his wallet....

 

by umpire
11-26-02
Crash and Burn: Sticky Situations
My butt is sooo itchy today.
I don't think I want to hear about that.
I thought we were close friends?
Nobody should be that close...
I didn't ask you to scratch it for me...
You would have...

 

by umpire
11-26-02
Crash and Burn: Attack of the Clones
What???
I told you not to dick around with the cloning machine again!!!

 

by umpire
11-26-02
Crash and Burn: For Whom the 'Nanner Tolls
Whoa, Murray is dead!
What a waste..
I found this 'nanner in his pocket.
How can you steal from the dead... especially to benefit yourself.
Well, seeing as how there's nothing left of him south of his neck I didn't think he would miss it! I couldn't even find his wallet!
Like I said, what a waste...

 

by umpire
11-26-02
Crash and Burn: I'll be home for Christmas
Time to beam the big blob of crap back to his ship. Do you remember how the transporter works?
After thirty years of watching Star Trek... Are you kididng?
Ready to go Chubbykins? Say Energizer Bunny!!!
I'm a wee bit nervous... You know what to do right?
Woops, I don't think I should have set it for gristle...!
Damn you, you stupid ape!!!

 

by umpire
11-26-02
Crash and Burn: Just Duck Logic
What are you thinking about?
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because we couldn't find the chicken artwork...

 

by umpire
11-26-02
Crash and Burn: Doody humor sells!
Your explosive butt makes me sick, I'm tired of having to get detailed everytime its burrito night or fried bologna and barley soup day!
It's not all that bad...
How do you figure?
My shorts and the sky are now the same color!

 

by umpire
11-26-02
Crash and Burn: Deck the Halls
Ho, ho, ho Merry Christmas, little Chimpy...
Hey, ya old drunk, it's still two days to Thanksgiving!
That's okay, I'm not really Santa Claus
Why am I not surprised by that?
I'm really a depressed overweight guy..I'm not even jolly. I collect my urine in small vials and have never touched a woman... If it wasn't for Macy's I'd be living in the streets!
I didn't want to say anything, but I think one of your collection bottles broke in your pocket.

 

by umpire
11-26-02
Crash and Burn: What Dreams May Come
Man, I love Spongebob! He's so cool!
It's the one show that has decent values, and makes me laugh too. It's simple good clean fun.
It helps me forget I don't have a dime in the bank, and I hang around a flatulent primate...
Did you know that Squidward guy is gay?

 

by umpire
11-27-02
Crash and Burn: Wish You a Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy Thanksgiving!
You know Turkey farts are my favorites!!! Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving.... Where is the Anusol???

 

by umpire
11-30-02
Crash and Burn: Apocalypse ;Nanner
Hey, Mama-san, does my 'nanner make you dinky dau for me?
What the;;;
Mama-san, numba one, V.C. numba ten. You horny for G.I.???
I don't...
If only your dork was a tenth the size of your 'nanner... I'd be mildyly interested, and if we were in my home country, you'd be on the menu..
So, you WANt to eat me?

 

by umpire
12-04-02
Crash and Burn: Holiday Jeer
Man, the holidays aren't what they used to be.
You still bring cheer to little kids all over the globe...
Bullcrap! Most of the planet doesn't even know who I am... A damn kid from Uganda took a bite out of me last year.
.Wow, that's tragic, that makes my problems seem so small...
What the hell could be wrong in a snowman's life?.
Stupid kids didn't give me arms, can't touch my willie!

 

by umpire
12-04-02
Crash and Burn:"Nanner, 'nanner, 'nanner!
Hey, Bambi, you want a 'nanner?
God only knows where its been
I opened it after I got out of the crapper...
Did you happen to wipe your butt?
Yeah, but not with the 'nanner!

 

by umpire
12-04-02
Crash and Burn: King of Poop
Hey, aren't you Tito Jackson?
How did you guess?
Lucky guess... So, what's up with Michael hanging his kid out a window... what possessed him?
You mean, what possessed a guy to strip his face till he's almost white? Or hung around with child stars on a ranch filled with kiddie rides? Or had nose jobs until he needs tape to hold it on?
Or keeps himself in a hyperbaric chamber... That french kissed his wife with less elan than Al Gore..Hangs our with manniquins dressed in Gap Kids clothes...Diddled a kid and paid his family off...
God bless Gloria Allred...

 

by umpire
12-07-02
Crash and Burn: The Death of the X files.
Mulder?
Sculley?
Your sister...
Yeah, my sister...
Always on cell phones, never get to use their guns...... And this guy never wants to pork agent Scullley?
It's a cover up...

 

by umpire
12-09-02
Crash and Burn: Bad Taste
Iraq rules... I can't understand why all those lefty kids on campus were screaming stay our ot Iraq!
Yeah, I'm not cold at all, and there are plenty of places to see and to go here.
There's a lot of kids from the U.S. wearing fatigues running around...
And we've missed most of the saturation bombings...
I'd give this place a solid eight! Although the people are a little hard to swallow...
Try using crackers...

 

by umpire
12-09-02
Crash and Burn: Nasty Habits.
Why do you always hang out here on the playground?
It's a free country...
It's just that sometimes when I dance I catch you looking at me...Why do you do that?
Why do you dance with such tight little skirts?
I just have an urge to do it... It makes me feel so alive... But that still doesn't answer my question... Why do you hang out here?..
Ditto...

 

by umpire
12-10-02
Crash and Burn: Populat Culture
How can America live with a President that's as lame as that guy!?!
I know...
I mean he's a pansy, and backs any loser policy he can dig up...
I know., I know....
Don't attack Iraq...Peace.... He's a lousey father and couldn''t lead a conga line.....
Hey, I hate Martin Sheen as much as you do...!!!..

 

by umpire
12-10-02
Crash and Burn: A Work in Progress..
Oh, I have been working out, taking Botox, I had my boobs worked on, lipo on my hips and butt and under the flabby part under my arms...
Do tell...
I've given up on dairy and meat and only eat organic fruits and vegetables, but since I had my stomach stapled I can hardly eat a thimbleful of food at each of my two hundred meals a day.....
You don't say.....
My doctor had my cheekbones eltered and I had been in traction to lengthen my legs to make me taller. and hair extensions as well as coloring and perm!....
With all that work it's a wonder you don't have bolts on the sides of your neck!

 

by umpire
12-27-02
Crash and Burn: 13th Day of Christmas
I am sooo dead.
What's the matter, you had a pretty good run...
My needles are falling, and the family tossed me out to be chipped and turned into college ruled paper.
You could be used by some writer to begin a great novel full of love, pathos or tragedy... Something that will fill a person's soul full of delight!
That's beautiful, man, thanks...
Me, I melt and get tossed into a bottle of so called mineral water and some dork pisses me against an alley wall...

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