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| Our main stories tonight. Madonna attacks mentally ill with shoe and "American Pie VII: The Divorce" flops at the cinema. In other news scientists say the world will end in thirty days. | |
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| Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking. Well at least the bitch wont be getting half the house now. | |
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| I have killed many infidels and written inflammatory remarks on toilet walls. Allah will reward me with as many virgins as my old pecker can handle. I can't wait! | |
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| Indeed, bring it on. I will be rewarded with wealth, power, a cushy job, nuns and choir boys to do with as I please... hang on? | |
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| Dam you alcohol you've let me down again! Why can't you make me as deluded as those rubber johnys... it's no use I can't stay mad at you. Come 'ere. | |
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