All comics by Foolish_Mortal

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by Foolish_Mortal
9-09-03
Day 9...
. . .
. . . .
. . . . .
. . . . . .
I think -
Shut up, Karlprof.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
9-09-03
Day 15...
... hi I'm kalrprof LOL will you be my partner please is that a no why didn't you say you already had a partner ROFL that's so mean ...
ow
Burn! Burn! BUUUUUUURRRRN!
... hi I'm Some Guy will you be my partner no I'm not Karlprof LMAO look how few words I can fit into one post by use of huge spaces PMSL I'm not karlprof stop saying that *dies* Gwidan sucks...
Please vote me out.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
9-10-03
It transpires that Julia the escaped psychotic serial killing transvestite also has magical powers.
...magically turning you into a chessboard!
Now to pop down the shops for some doughnuts!
Presently:
Er, who are you?
Who cares? This stopped making sense ages ago.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
9-10-03
Let's do something!
Yeah!
Like what?
Dunno.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
9-18-03
Hey, you took my ice cream!
LoL! u r pwn€d! Lm@o!
No, seriously, that was kind of mean.
p|$$ of n00b|€! r0fl!
Sorry.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
9-25-03
Look! I can do narration boxes!
Well... here we are again.
Yes. Evidently someone hasn't bothered to change the default character settings.
This rocks! My text, yellow boxes... how can this get any better?
Or the background. Where the hell are we anyway? Iceland during a snowstorm?
Odd how you said that without changing your facial expression AT ALL.
Of course! |3Y U$!|\|G |_€€+ $p€€K!
Odd how I said that without moving my mouth.
I'm outta here. Hey wait! I can't move! Damn you, comic writer! (I may be smiling, but believe me, I'm angry!)

 

by Foolish_Mortal
9-28-03
Introducing...
Hi! I'm Catster!
And I'm Monkeyman!
We're the best of friends!
And we have wacky adventures every week!
Establishing characters has never been very easy, you know.
When do we get paid?
Who needs money when the bananas are this good?

 

by Foolish_Mortal
9-28-03
It's time for another brilliant episode of Catster and Monkeyman!
Well, here we are again, Derek.
What a lovely day, Brian!
Uh... guys, remember our agreement...
Oh yeah, we're supposed to use our screen names! Shit!
We're not meant to swear either, Bri... um, "Catster".
That's better.
I hate my life.
The fee better make this worth my while.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
9-28-03
Look boys and girls! It's Catster and Monkeyman!
Meow! Puurrr!
Oo oo oo!
I am rapidly losing patience with my scriptwriter.
Just gimme a thousand typewriters...

 

by Foolish_Mortal
10-05-03
Cue soft-porn music...
Um... okay, what's going on here?
I am NOT doing a sex scene with this gimp. Uh-uh. No way.
Work with me here, guys.
Hey man, you're not exactly Adonis, are you?
Dear narrator, we're both MALE, in case you'd forgotten!
A homophobic cat... never thought I'd see the day.
Hmmm... Catster's not bad looking, I guess, in the right light...
I'm not a homophobe, you gimp... what the?!? A banana? Is that supposed to symbolise anything?

 

by Foolish_Mortal
10-05-03
Funds are running low... only one thing for it.
Buy our toys!
Only £39.99 in all good toyshops!
This well-made cuddly Catster comes with his own basket and collar!
And this attractive resin Monkeyman figurine includes banana accessories and a spin-off videogame "Monkeyman in Monkeyland"!
Good stuff guys. I can hear the royalties rolling in already.
I'm so cheap.
*cries*

 

by Foolish_Mortal
10-06-03
Sorry guys, but the profits are still falling. Desperate situations lead to desperate measures...
Who the hell is this? Where's Monkeyman?
Squork!
Meet your new best friend: Penguinator!
"Penguinator"? Is this a joke?
Squork!
I'm sorry. I really am.
So, um, Penguinator... you like... stuff?
Squork?

 

by Foolish_Mortal
10-06-03
So, Monkeyman, what do you think of your new pal, Penguinator?
He certainly sets new standards in unorginal naming.
Squork!
Squork!
His conversational skills leave a little to be desired, too.
...squork!

 

by Foolish_Mortal
10-08-03
Hi! I'm Cowtastic!
Hi! I'm Ducky!
Hi! I'm SuperRabbit!
Hi! I'm the Uber Coyote!
Hi! I'm Mouse the mouse!
Smell that? It's the sweet, sweet smell of redundancy.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
10-09-03
Press me
Baaaa? *presses*
Back in the control room...
Well, that put paid to the Incredible Sheep.
I'll go set the trap for the Rhinotastic Rhino.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-26-04
Hi boys and girls! Er, Catster and Monkeyman don't seem to be here today.
What a couple of bastards! And I invited two new friends around to play, too. I wonder where they are?
Do you think we're safe here?

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-26-04
Boy, escaping that stupid narrator by going to the moon was the best idea you've ever had, Monkeyman.
Yeah, now we don't have to follow those stupid scripts he wrote for us.
I can't think of anything to say now.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-26-04
I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with 'M'.
Moon?
Your go.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-26-04
You know, we may have escaped the narrator, but I still feel like I'm being watched.
I can explain that. You see, escaping the narrator was just a plotline thought up by another, overriding narrator.
You mean we haven't escaped at all?
Nope, we were just following a plotline all along.
How self-existential. It's just like the Matrix, only with a monkey instead of Keanu Reeves.
So not much different then?

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-26-04
I can't believe this. I though we were free, but it turns out we were just following orders from the very people we were trying to escape!
That's about the run of it. Good plot though, wasn't it?
Thanks. I thought it was quite clever, too.
But this is terrible! How can I find true freedom and be able to live my life without being bossed around by people more powerful than myself?
I know, I'll become a Roman Catholic!
Religion - the answer to all our problems.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-26-04
You know, it's quite hard to think of plotlines that incorporate the moon.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-26-04
What happened? We were on the moon a minute ago!
Yeah, the narrator got bored of the moon storyline and decided to return us to Earth.
So that's it? We're back here with no explaination of how we got here, ready to continue our wacky adventures?
Yep. The plot dead-end is over!
Well, I suppose we have more things to say now.
Yeah. Do you like cheese?

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-26-04
Not much scenery around here, is there? I think I preferred the moon.
Our fans didn't. Opinion polls showed that fans disliked the recent developments and preferred the old-style C&M.
What was wrong with the escape storyline? I quite liked it myself.
It was a good ratings winner, but it didn't really go anywhere, and fans started clamouring for a return to form.
And that's why we came back? How popularist. I'm sickened.
Me too, but it pays the bills, right?

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-26-04
You know, I just had the nicest tin of Whiskas.
Thatch niche.
Huh?
It's a catchphrase from the Games Radar forums. Our scriptwriter reckons we might be more popular if we used them more often.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! We don't need popularity!
Good one fuckface.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-26-04
*dies*
Oh my god! Monkeyman, don't die, please! Oh god, no!
Relax! It's just another Games Radar catchphrase.
This whole idea is stupid, anyway. Where's our artistic integrity?
Over there by the beefburgers.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-26-04
You know, Monkeyman, you're looking a bit different today.
The scriptwriter decided to change our appearances somewhat in order to appeal to fans of other comics.
Is it me, or has this gone too far?
For example, today we're emulating the work of one JohnnyK.
Only thing is, JohnnyK's comics are generally quite funny too.
We're hoping the viewers will experience "humour through association".

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-26-04
Hello. My name is Goatboy!
You know, scriptwriter, this wasn't one of your better ideas.
Er... *dies*?
We'll not do this again, readers. Promise.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-27-04
Hey, Monkeyman, what's up? You haven't made a single self-referential joke today.
New initiative from the scriptwriter. He reckons we should move away from the self-reference gags and confront more serious issues.
Is that why there hasn't been a new strip for a while?
Yeah. I think he's planning some sort of epic mini-series.
Of course, the irony is that this strip is itself a self-reference.
We're hoping the readers won't notice.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-27-04
I lost my tin of cat food.
A mystery? We must embark on a long and fairly dull journey through forests and over mountains, to visit the Oracle who will tell us where it can be found!
No, that's okay. I think I'll just get another tin.
Pipe down. I'm trying to establish a storyline here.
The new scitpwriter initiative, right?
Right. We should be raking it in any day soon.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-27-04
And so the two gallant friends set sail on a glorious journey! Except "set sail" means on a boat, and they weren't on a boat. You know what I mean.
They travelled across cities, through forests, around lakes, down valleys, up hills...
...and into fast food joints?!?
Shut up. We're hungry.
We ran out of scriptcreator backgrounds anyway.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-27-04
I'm getting tired. Maybe we should turn back.
Never! We shall never return from whence we came!
We shall continue relentlessly on our quest, never once looking back, always pressing onward, further onwards!
...Catster?

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-27-04
Oh no! Catster has deserted me! He attempted to forge his own path!
No doubt, without my protection, he has already been devoured by the savage beasts that roam this land.
Poor Catster. Such a hopeful young life, tragically cut short by cruel fate.
But I shall avenge his death! I shall press on no matter what obstacles lie in my path! I will never -
Hi! I just stopped to tie my shoelace.
Do you mind? I'm trying to have an internal monologue here.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-27-04
Lost track of how long we've been travelling. I have a feeling we are nowhere near our destination.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. If this continues much longer...
Oh. Cool.
...We're here.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-27-04
I shall wait for you here whole you visit the Oracle. I cannot accompany you: this is a step you must take yourself.
Why?
Well, you know, we can only fit two characters on each frame.
More self-referentialism, eh? I though we were supposed to be moving away from that.
You asked.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-28-04
Oooh, it's nice in here. This is awesome! I can't believe I'm finally going to meet...
...a dog on a ball?!?
Yeah, I didn't think the part was really me either, but I'm getting a lot of money for it.
Boy, stripcreator really is running out of characters.
It was either me or the dancing cigarette guy, and he had a commercial to do.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-28-04
Anyway, down to business. What is your question?
Oh wise and powerful Oracle... please tell me... who took my cat food?
The thief is the one you call... Monkeyman.
What? But Monkeyman doesn't even like cat food.
Yeah, cheap plot device, wasn't it?

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-28-04
I don't believe it was Monkeyman who took the food.
He's the only other regular character in the strip. Who else could have done it?
You know, I thought this plot was already about as stupid as it could get, but it continues to surprise me.
Anyway, it's better like this, don't you think? Betrayal... a friendship split in two... someone you thought you could trust...
It's a tin of cat food!
Is this gonna take much longer? I was gonna go shopping for some trousers.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
2-29-04
Ever noticed how sometimes we have a storyline going in one strip, and in the next strip we make no reference to it and continue as normal?
Yeah.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
3-17-04
Sooo... here we are again... on the top of an unusually realistic cliff... how did we get here, anyway?
We came on the train. Don't you remember?
Not at all, no. Why wasn't it shown in the strip?
There are no train backdrops in stripcreator. Plus, it would've been a transparent and dull attempt at kickstarting a new storyline.
Oh, so we did it like THIS instead. I see. It's much better.
Don't be so cynical. Our readers aren't as perceptive or fussy as you might think.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
3-17-04
So why do you reckon we're here?
I expect it's all a ridiculous set-up for some sort of dull plot twist.
Oh, bollocks. I've fallen off.
... I shall never forget his last words: cynical, but brutally accurate.
Er, a little help?

 

by Foolish_Mortal
4-05-04
At the bottom of the canyon...
Monkeyman! Monkeyman! Are you okay?
Yeah, I've just fallen several hundred feet onto a set of sharp pointy rocks, but I'm okay, thanks.
At the bottom of the canyon...
Either the writer is being even cheaper thank usual, or you're being sarcastic.
It was great. Like a really violent massage. With blood.
At the bottom of the canyon...
...I'm tending towards the latter.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
4-05-04
I would have thought that death would be the one thing to stop your flow of sarcasm.
Will you pipe down? I'm trying to think of some good last words.
What kind of last words do you want?
I'm trying to go for something poignant, yet brave.
How about "I like bananas"?
Um... keep trying.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
4-05-04
What's wrong with "I like bananas"?
It's completely stupid, that's what. I want people to remember me as a brave, noble figure. I can't think of anything worse than "I like bananas".
Urrgh... *dies*
History will remember Monkeyman as "someone who liked bananas".
He died the same way he lived - ironically.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
4-05-04
I can't believe Monkeyman is dead... he was my ally and my greatest compatriot.
Whenever I look at the empty space to my left, I will always be reminded...
...oooh, I can see the scenery now.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
4-07-04
Meanwhile...
And so... I begin my journey into the afterlife...
I wish I'd brough some bananas. I'm getting hungry.
Suddenly:
Wow! This is amazing!
Yes, my child... heaven is an beautiful place...
Not that... I'm on the right side of the frame! It's weird!
I'm sure there was a rule about letting monkeys into heaven...

 

by Foolish_Mortal
4-07-04
Excuse, me, Monkeyman, but there's been a small mix-up...
How so?
??
Nice of you to drop in, Monkeyman.
Oh, wanksocks.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
4-07-04
You seem preoccupied today, Catster. Are you mourning the death of your best friend?
No, I'm just wondering what the ratings are like, now that you've killed off the most popular character in the strip.
...
Um, they're stable.
Hey kids, listen carefully. We want you to collect money from your parents' wallets, put it in an envelope, and mail it to us. OK?

 

by Foolish_Mortal
4-07-04
Bring back Monkeyman!
Who are you lot?
We're the viewers and we demand you pander to our wishes!
Well, I'm not going to. I can't bring back a dead character without using some contrived storyline that compromises the integrity of the strip.
It's never stopped you in the past.
Cheeky bastards. I'm certainly not pandering to your wishes now.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
4-07-04
Catster! Quick! You've got to help me!
Let me guess, you've thought up some contrived plot in which I Monkeyman from hell, and you're expecting me to go along with it.
Um... no?
Let's go.

 

by Foolish_Mortal
4-13-04
Look, Catster, we've got to rescue Monkeyman! If not for his sake, then for the ratings.
What's the plan then?
I think I have an idea. If we can find the right incantation, we should be able to open the hellmouth.
Do I look like Buffy the fucking Vampire Slayer?
I can do what I like. I'm the scriptwriter.
I'll go get my stake.

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