All comics by MathiasSmith

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by MathiasSmith
8-15-05
What's up, Reed?
My erection.
MEANWHILE...?
M'aime-t-il vraiment? Notre amour est-il simplement un mensonge neurologique méchant dont l'existence unique doit masquer nos désirs charnels vrais et primitifs?
Somewhere in this lonely world, my estranged twin may also feel the power of a raging erection such as the one I proudly wear. The closeness of our world is truly astounding.
I just had the strangest vision...
That's nice. I'm gonna go fuck a parakeet now.

 

by MathiasSmith
8-15-05
Look, I just...I just feel we've sort've drifted apart. We're nothing like we were when we first started dating.
I am saddened but will maintain a happy face.
And you know what? I think we just both need a period of time alone. To cool down, y'know?
I agree...I guess.
I'm gonna fuck you so hard.
I like to be called Marcus during anal sex.

 

by MathiasSmith
8-15-05
So uh, you're taking Sally out this Saturday, I hear.
Yup.
Well, remember: first dates mean a visit from the SEXUAL HAND GESTURES SPECTRE
Oh, that's just an old urban legend.

 

by MathiasSmith
8-15-05
Dimensional shift.

 

by MathiasSmith
8-15-05
Oh...hey Abraxas.
NEGRO NUTZ LOL JESUS IS THE CWAZZZZZIEST GUY I KNOW! MY COMEDY IS SURREAL, EDGY, AND IN-YOUR-FACE! LOL
...Did you just say "negro nuts"?
IN THE GALACTUS STRIPZ...
MINIATURE JESUS IS NO OBSTACLE FOR ABRAXAS, EMPEROR OF EDGINESS...LOL! Quit crying, bitch, I'm making with the funny.

 

by MathiasSmith
8-15-05
There's definitely a large level of hypocrisy in America when it comes to the subject of illegal immigrants. I mean as cliche as it sounds, we are a nation of immi-
OH GOD
Wha-OH MY!
[the sound of stunned silence]
HEY GUYS CHECK OUT MY STEAMIN' ERECTION

 

by MathiasSmith
8-16-05
Guess what I'm holding.
Uh... I dunno.
I'm not going to TELL you.
I'm a snowman now.

 

by MathiasSmith
8-16-05
You remind me of that Hoodoo who do voodoo.
Who do?
That voodoo that you do.
Who do that voodoo that you do?
OH GOD REED YOU'VE SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTED AND I'M GOING TO FEED YOUR ASHES TO MY HOUNDS

 

by MathiasSmith
8-19-05
My erection's going soft.
...
Heh, too much information, dude.
Yeah, I'm probably going to have to stab my thighs with a pocketknife to get it hard again.

 

by MathiasSmith
8-20-05
"Mello Caveman" is an anagram for "Malevolance".
Hm.
LATER...?!
Wait, "Mello Caveman" isn't an anagram for "Malevolance".
What's wrong, honey?
SOMEBODY KNOWS THE TRUTH I CAN SENSE IT WOMAN

 

by MathiasSmith
8-20-05
Huh, that's funny, I taste copper.
Heheh, you hidin' pennies in your mouth, boy?
OH GOD I THINK I'M DYING
YOU BEST NOT BE HIDIN' MONEY FROM ME BOY
So "arterial blockage" means he choked on the pennies he was hiding in his mouth, right?

 

by MathiasSmith
9-24-05
The new guy at my health club looks like that dead Baxter guy.
You know what could happen if it's a ghost.
You're right. I should run a test.
Who pooped in my locker?
I DIDN'T THINK A FUCKING GHOST WOULD CARE IF I SHIT IN HIS LOCKER

 

by MathiasSmith
1-07-06
Yeah, so they decided to start filtering out all the cursewords with asterisks. It's really made the atmosphere a lot more light-hearted.
That's good to hear. I'd like to see some trash mongers try to warp kids' minds without their precious words.
So how'd your date go?
Well she wasn't as easy as I thought so I crushed her skull against my sink. I plugged her up with my meatman so bad she was bleeding and trying to scream. Sounded like a dying porpoise.
I hope you disposed of her body properly.
Eh, later. I figure I'll let it rot a bit. You know, add a couple of holes.

 

by MathiasSmith
1-08-06
So I finally got over my bout of writer's block and this idea just came at-
I don't care.
...So I figured I could set it in sort of an alternate universe. I mean, they're similar to us but-
So why aren't you working on this right now?
Dammit, this would be so much easier if I could read.

 

by MathiasSmith
2-04-06
You know that girl who embarassed me at the company picnic? Well there's a company party coming up, and I just got ahold of some rohypnol.
You're...you're not going to rape anyone, are you?
Oh no, the idea is to slip her the roofies, carry her to an empty room, and hope that she thinks she's been drugged and raped when she wakes up.
...Huh.
So would you say milk has sort of the same consistency as come? I was thinking about pouring some in her hair.

 

by MathiasSmith
2-04-06
You know, when you straddle a dolphin, it's not really much different than straddling a rubber-clad human. They're smart animals, they know what's going on. AND THEY LIKE IT.
DAMMIT WE ENDED THIS CONVERSATION FIVE MINUTES AGO

 

by MathiasSmith
2-04-06
"Tonight on Cinemax's Passion Cove, a young workaholic discovers that even the most hard-working professional still needs a break every now and then."
"Unf unf unf...OHGOD...unh unngh. YES YES"
This new season is absolutely horrible.
I think the rest of the season's been pretty good, but yeah, last night's episode definitely jumped the shark a little.

 

by MathiasSmith
2-04-06
IN THE GALACTUS STRIPZ...
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN MORE LIKE BAREBACK MOUNTAIN OHGOD ITS A MOVIE ABOUT GAY COWBOYS ROFFLEZ
Dude, you have got this thing down pat. We could be milking these gay cowboy titties for YEARS
WHERE'S THAT COWBOY IMAGE I WONDER IF THOSE COWBOYS EVER PUT THEIR PENISES IN EACH OTHERS' ANUSES DOWN ON THE RANCH LOLOLOLOLOL
Man, we have enough material to last for days. Why don't you head home early, Abraxas?
No, I-I start to realize how empty my life is when I'm alone.

 

by MathiasSmith
2-11-06
You can't be serious...
He...he took all the children out behind the shed, blindfolded them, and...he shot them. Each and every one.
Oh...oh God.
That's not even the worst part, man...that's not even the worst part. They took the bodies and hanged them from rafters in the old Church...and then...and then...
They just started dancin'.

 

by MathiasSmith
2-11-06
That woman...all she ever does is bitch. My life is stressful enough, I-I'm out there making money. She doesn't know...she just doesn't know.
It's get so lonely around here. Red Phone doesn't even talk to me unless he has to anymore...whatever happened to the passion in our lives?
LATER
Hello honey, I hope I didn't wake you up. Go back to sleep...I'm not going to kill you. Not tonight.
This is the best Valentine's Day ever.

 

by MathiasSmith
4-08-06
Hey Red, where you going? The party's just getting started.
Oh, I gotta...return some videos.
Oh God, I'm such a fucking piece of scum. Why can't I control these urges? OH GOD I'M GONNA RUIN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE WITH THIS SHIT.
Oh yes, hot baby otter action.
You are have super no legal dvd full of much fucking otter childs

 

by MathiasSmith
4-08-06
Is it just me or has Paul been acting a little different?
Oh yeah, he's been thinking about the meaning of existence a lot lately. He seems to have come to the conclusion that we dictate our own existence. I just hope he's not being too weird about it.
Phone, there's something I feel I need to tell you.
Uh...okay.
I'm a little apple, happy in my apple tree.

 

by MathiasSmith
4-08-06
Hey guy, what's- ...Oh sorry, I thought Red Phone was in here.
H-he just left...we-we got into a fight and I said some things that...oh, I just shouldn't have said them. He started blaring this music to drown me out and left...
Was it Baltimora's "Tarzan Boy"?
I...I think it was. How'd you know?
He uh, he actually does this a lot.

 

by MathiasSmith
4-22-06
A miscarriage, can you believe that?
How terribly sad. Her and Rod were so excited...
Oh yes, quite sad.
So, do you think her uterus is haunted now or what?

 

by MathiasSmith
4-22-06
4-20 duders lol gonna get use a bong all day long IF U KNO WHAT I MEAN
Uh, you're a little late with that, Abraxas. It's the 22nd.
...fuck you homo i'm gonna go out and yell out some cops beeeeyotch laffo
Odd, if he was a locksmith and had a copy of Ms. Della's keys, why did he have to break the door down?
YOU A PIG FAGGOT MATLOCK

 

by MathiasSmith
5-26-06
So this is the "Perpetual Energy Machine" you wanted to show me?
Yup.
You've duct taped the end of a Super Nintendo wire to a hamster wheel. There isn't even a hamster. As an engineer, this is the worst product prototype I've ever seen.
Fuck you.

 

by MathiasSmith
5-26-06
So I say, "Well I'm a hairdresser."
And then I offer to dye her hair white, if you catch my drift. Heheheh.
Oh man, you are so quick with the one-liners.
Yeah, but she had take off. Her daycare's apparently pretty strict about "nap time".

 

by MathiasSmith
5-26-06
Uh...can you tell me what the fuck has been done to my Sanford and Son tapes?
Well...I used the tapes to record your birthday party. I...I figured you wouldn't mind since there's DVDs and they rerun it all the time...
Oh.
I'm going to shoot you in you in your sleep one day. Shoot ya right in your fuckin' whore spine.

 

by MathiasSmith
6-12-06
Ryan I've been wondering. I spend most of my night working here, most of my day trying to keep a personal life, and now you're telling me that I basically have to do unpaid overtime. When do I sleep?

 

by MathiasSmith
6-12-06
So glad you've decided to adopt, Mrs. Phone. Over there's little Lamont Adams. His mother was murdered when he was three, his father killed himself shortly after, and he has sickle-cell.
Ohhhh, that's so horrible. It really makes you appreciate all the blessings in your own life.
Sooo...you have one in white?

 

by MathiasSmith
6-12-06
Thanks for helping out around the farm today, Reed.
Well uh, you know, I-I just figured, you know...well, I had nothing to do anyway...
Reed, you can stop beating around the bush. Just say what you want to say.
I want to stick my wiener in your lady hole.

 

by MathiasSmith
7-22-06
Huh, looks like they finally bought a t.v. for the bar area.
Some mothafucka always tryin' to skate uphill.
Heheh, yeah.
Wait, what?

 

by MathiasSmith
7-22-06
Why is there ice in the urinal? ...Has my concept of what a urinal is been wrong for so long? Of course! They've been converted into fountains for this hot summer!
This some European shit, but I am rather parched...
Man, your breath smells like ammonia.
Yes, for that is the flavor of MAXIMUM QUENCHEDNESS.

 

by MathiasSmith
7-22-06
IN THE GALACTUS STRIPZ...
Hey Abraxas, have you heard about this Israel and Lebanon shit?
Yes, Todd...yes I have.
So...you gonna make some topical and edgy jokes about it or...something?
No, I do not think I will. I can't continue to live in a world of such violence. I hope you find peace some day, m'boy. As for me...
DAYUM. My cock's already hard from the excitement.
I poisoned myself ten minutes ago.

 

by MathiasSmith
9-28-06
I swear, I'll pay you back as soon as possible.
No! Don't worry about it. It's fine, trust me, I've got more where that came from.
Uh...if you don't mind me asking, where'd you get all this money from?
Oh, I used to do things I'm not so proud of now.

 

by MathiasSmith
9-28-06
Whatcha watching?
This hilarious video of a guy in a leprechaun costume falling off a bike.
Can you upload it to my computer's meme mainbase exe?!
Let me try...oh no, a client 62 error on runtime program #DOS!
Throw it in the firewall! Throw it in the firewall!
I'm trying! GODDAMNED HACKERS

 

by MathiasSmith
9-28-06
Last time in some storyline that no one gives a shit about...
I poisoned myself ten minutes ago.
THE END.
Your kisses are beautiful. So tender...love almost makes sense now...

 

by MathiasSmith
11-16-06
Ah, there you are! I'm auditioning for the role of Lincoln in the Tuwaka production of "Forefathers", and I was wondering if you'd do a scene with me.
Uh, sure.
LATER (AND REMEMBER: THEIR SCRIPTS ARE INVISIBLE!)
Go on witout me, friend. There are still some SILFs here that need taking care of.
SILFs, sir?
Slaves I'd Like to Free.

 

by MathiasSmith
11-16-06
Uh, who was that?
Oh, that's Terry and her dog. I agreed to watch him this afternoon while you were at work. They had to spray some sort of chemical in her house.
You fucked him, didn't you?

 

by MathiasSmith
11-16-06
I figure if I had unlimited resources, I'd make a movie starring none other than Journalistic Superstar Nancy Grace.
Oh?
Picture it: an hour and a half of Nancy Grace being beaten and humiliated in various ways. We could slam her head in a car door. Pummel her with a pipe. We could taunt her murdered husband.
Sounds great.
And the end? She gets carried off by a falcon.

 

by MathiasSmith
1-10-07
Before I die, I'd like to visit one of those midget communities and live there for awhile. I hear that they fear outsiders, but I have just enough charm that they'll grow to love me eventually.
Say, when you inevitably crack and make that final climb up the town's watchtower, don't forget to wave to me as I scream, "I JUST KNEW HE'D SNAP SOMEDAY OH GOD I'VE BEEN SHOT OH GOD I'VE BEEN SHOT"

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