All comics by Ozz

 

by Ozz
12-09-02
Hey Davitz you gotz a jointz wutz i can borrow

 

by Ozz
12-09-02
Hey Chester
Hey Scottz you gotz a jointz wutz i can borrow
When ya die, ill be able to smoke your ashes and get high

 

by Ozz
12-09-02
Hey Ozzyz you gotz a jointz wutz i can borrow
Im the prince of fuckin' darkness not a fuckin' dope dealer
?@!&$#
Bloody Hell....SHARON!!!

 

by Ozz
12-10-02
It pisses me off that preachers say ya have to pay to see god...I am gonna die tomorrow so if i don't get 7 million dollars, i'll die. Well fukin' die asshole
Here's a song all about it....Miracle Man
meanwhile....
So...How much money did you collect?
A million, but my wife spent it on makeup

 

by Ozz
12-11-02
Yo Officer, if ya let the ticket slide.....I'll have one my bytches take good care of ya....whatcha say?
ya fuck with me ya fuck with america...Boy
A few hours later......
Yo man....what ya in for?
My name is Bubba and your my puppy now....
Later that night........
Yo get off me, this ain't no social call
I'll give ya a social call, gimmie that sweet ass of yours

 

by Ozz
12-14-02
Ho Ho Ho, gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliever more presents don't yanno
Santa Would ya like to stay for milk and cookies?
Hey Hey Hey, gotta stay, gotta stay....can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way

 

by Ozz
7-15-03
I am a 28 year old single female, i live in Flordia, my mesurements are 34-24-36
Blonde hair, blue eyes, and i am wearing nothing

 

by Ozz
7-15-03
Meanwhile....In Colorado
Son You need to quit spending so much time on this computer. Its not healthy for you to be inside all day.
But Dad, I met this wounderful woman from Flordia. She is very special to me.
Atleast i wont be a grandpa for awile.
can't tell my dad she gives the best cyber bj's.

 

by Ozz
7-15-03
SURGEON GENERALS WARNING:
Smoking Now Causes Non-Smokers To Bitch At You, Gets You Banned At Bars, Airplanes, Resturants And Makes You Go Impotant.

 

by Ozz
7-15-03
Smoking is a dirty habit
?#$*@!
So is wiping my ass, but nobody is banning that

 

by Ozz
2-01-07
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by the nurse, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.
1973- In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007- Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

 

by Ozz
2-01-07
I am the contractor that installed your windows a year ago, still haven't paid for the work.
The salesman told me in a year these windows would pay for themselves
Helllooooo? It's been a year!
Buzzz!!

 

by Ozz
2-02-07
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1973- Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006- Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

 

by Ozz
2-02-07
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1973-Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2007- Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

 

by Ozz
2-02-07
I haven't heard from the O'Lady in 2 weeks
Ring......Ring.......Ring
"I am not in right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes"

 

by Ozz
2-02-07
Why do men pass gas more than women?
hmmmm?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

 

by Ozz
2-02-07
Mrs. Smith can you come in here for a moment.
You graduated from Auburn University and I need some help.
What do you need help with?
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?
hmm......Everything but my earrings.

 

by Ozz
2-02-07
A man is like a deck of playing cards.
How so?
You need....a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him.
A club to smash his damn head in and a spade to bury the bastard
We will be playing spades later tonight.

 

by Ozz
2-03-07
I am so tired of those stupid emotions like :-) and :-(.
What about (_!_), (__!__) and (!).
Can't forget about (_*_), {_!_}, (_o_) and (_x_).
Of course and (_X_), (_E=mc2_), (_$_) and (_?_).
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN E-MOONED!!!!
How do they like it.
Revenge

 

by Ozz
2-03-07
Senator Brownback if your going to run for president i have some advice.
Yes Mr. President
You need to learn to be a good republican.
A good republican?
A good republican would believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.
Who is Rush Limbaugh.

 

by Ozz
2-03-07
Mr. Cox if your going to run for president i have some advice for you.
Yes Mr. President.
You need to learn to be a good republican.
A good republican?
A good republican would believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.
Clinton didn't inhale.

 

by Ozz
2-03-07
Representative Hunter if your going to be president i have some advice for you.
Yes Mr. President.
You need to learn to be a good republican.
A good republican?
A good republican believes that the public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but my drunk driving arrest is none of there business.
Bad visual on Bill and Hillary's use of cattle prods.

 

by Ozz
2-07-07
Early in the year 2008.
I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.
Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here.
The next day..
I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.
I've told you already told you that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?
Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!
See you tomorrow.

 

by Ozz
2-07-07
It was reported today that at a White House staff meeting last week there was a heated discussion about the health of Dick Cheney and his angina problem.
Men do not have anginas!
Mr. President, Vice President Cheney has acute angina.
#^&$@#$

 

by Ozz
2-08-07
Ozzy Osbourne's new album should be out this year.
I heard it's going to be heavy like the no more tears album.
Ozzy should get Bob Rock to help on this album.
Ozzy doesn't need Bob Rock there telling Ozzy what to do, like that 'Vagina Monologues' band Metallica.

 

by Ozz
2-17-07
Mom, why are wedding dresses white?
It shows everyone that your bride is pure.
I need to double check this with dad.
Dad, why are wedding dresses white?
Son, all household appliances are white.

 

by Ozz
2-22-07
I need to fire either Debra or Jack. The next one who heads to the water cooler I will fire.
I need a aspirin.
Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Could you Jack off?....I feel like shit.

Showing page 1.