All comics by bonesoft

 

by bonesoft
12-10-06
Hi there !
Great suit Mr.
Oh - hi guys. I am just testing one idea
This could be the Bonesoft Archives
Let me see.... Bonesoft is not listed..

 

by bonesoft
12-10-06
Early in the morning Project Manager finds a box full of old Donald Ducks
Hi I found a whole bunch of business ideas for BoneSoft. I better take this to the eggheads in development ASAP!
Are those the ideas we got. Better get cranking on that CV of mine.
Later on that day J2EE Guru, gets the specs for the new system.
WTF! What does that waste of space want now?
HI! J2EE dude here are the specs for the new system. Fire up edlin and get coding!
Bill Business Analyst (former carpenter) and Mike from HR makes
Hi HR guy I think our business have something to do with Komputers and our target group consits of clueless people
OK! So we will at least need some HTML coders and other really talented people. I'll go headhunting.

 

by bonesoft
12-11-06
Lets get the team presented
For PMO we need someone who'll be able to manage those weird nerds
And who knows what it takes to make real THRILLER APPS
Thats me
And PMO has to have some tools to motivate the people.. project managers..
It's always a pleasure to do some budget cutting...
Hi Pee, lets get going...

 

by bonesoft
12-11-06
I need so find someone stubido enoug to volunteer for this new MonsterApp -project
sometimes things just flow...
..
So all I have to do is to lock this "NeverEnding Project" -belt ?

 

by bonesoft
12-11-06
Create some
Yes, PM said that all I have to do is to lock this "NeverEnding Project" -belt
sense of
And then wait for sense of Urgency ..
Urgency

 

by bonesoft
12-11-06
When things get hot
Uhh -I am stuck with this "NeverEnding Project" -belt... and it's getting kind of hot here...
You better be ready
A hotshot again...
For restart
Belive me, you will get used to it. Ashchilling is kind of new genetic technology
I better join the union

 

by bonesoft
12-11-06
Öööhh - I should report all Bonesoft projects to our Bored of Directors
And I have no idea what projects we might have... how could I look a bit more professional...

 

by bonesoft
12-11-06
Hi All, I'm Billy-Bob from marketing, usually people without talent end up in marketing, but my dad who is also my uncle says I'msmart.
Marketing is hard, here are things not to try. Telemarketing is an art, I've tried putting stickers on my phone with the company logo, but to no avail!
The way to go is to have people call up potential customers. And we've got an endless supply of good people in the form of school drop outs. No wonder I'm head of marketing at BoneSoft.
This is not all I hoped for but at least I'm not living with my mother. Finally I can afford an own place to stay and my ability to talk nonsense on the phone finally pays off!

 

by bonesoft
12-11-06
Bonesoft CTO Arnold Konfiguru
Hi there - I am the Bonesoft CTO. My job is to invent new things with my crew..
Think hart
sometimes I just close my eyes and wish that something new would appear from my team...
Think hart
Obiviously sometimes we really hit the spot..

 

by bonesoft
12-12-06
Hi there, I am Arnold "Arg" Konfiguru - the one and oly CTO of Bonesoft
Ken here has created something really weird and cool to replace normal GUI in our software
My name is Paul - not Ken, but who cares...
It's called MUI...
for ... Musical User Interface ...

 

by bonesoft
12-12-06
Hi kids! This is chatting with the CTO where I tell you personal stuff. By telling you those I seem like a nice guy not a big red piece of junk.
I like to steal other people ideas, update software at random without testing (preferrably in production) anohter favorite of mine is taking the keyword away from employees.
To be honest really, without me the guys running the production would be out of a job.

 

When things go wrong..
I'd like to apologize for the previous strip. I meant to say keyboard not keyword. I also like wearing high heels and pretend to be a lumberjack.
by bonesoft, 12-12-06

 

Bonesoft PMO in his new room...
What did he mean when he told me that from EXIT room there is only one way out ?
by bonesoft, 12-13-06

 

by bonesoft
12-13-06
PM is on his way hand over some papers found in Microsoft trashcan
Hi ho, Hi ho, off to dev I go, the specs are really good, I'm feeling like a stud!
What is that nitwit project manger doing now. Time for intervention
Testing? Uuuuuh nope note really. Haven't planned anything, and have no budget and no clue. But I assure you it will be taken care of!
Stop there Mr! I'm the ghost of QA have we planned in any time for appropriate testing?
This company got to be a success
Hi J2EE dude! Here are the specs you never asked. The deadline is in 15 days and we now also have to appropriate testing!
OMG! Now he's read a paper related to our industry again. If it compiles it works that good enough for me. Not like we're having customers or a good product.

 

by bonesoft
12-13-06
Hi it's me the CTO again. The lawyer just came buy charged me a whole lot of money and made me make this announcement
We're ashamed to realize that there really is a company named BoneSoft out there! Please don't sue us!
The authors are in no way affiliated to the real bonesoft. In fact when looking at them you realize nobody would hire them. All events here a totally made up

 

by bonesoft
12-15-06
PM and code monkey starts reading specs
According to the specs we're making some sort of portal for webshops.
Roger that. We'll need a database, Access it is a robust db and it on my PC already
The system needs a webserver of some kind. And uuuuh... hmmmm we're required to drive nails to our heads. They're in very small print this specs.
Webserver, we need to invest in some new hardware. The part about the nail seems odd, but OK!
With a team like this how can you go wrong!
Hi, wait! We're required to send mails using a certain letterhead, when confirming the orders!
NOW YOU TELL ME!

 

by bonesoft
12-15-06
Hi Our bonuses seems to be tied to us meeting the deadline with the webshopportal thingie
Whohoo if we get the bonus I'll be able to buy that used bicycle I've been dreaming about!
We really need to go forward fast! Do we have all the pieces in place?
Hmmmm we have Access installed so the DB is there we're still waiting for the application server.
Shit we're still short of things we need. This could mean we won't get that bonus!
Lets get started on it anyways we might get lucky. How hard can this app be it's only like SELECTs and INSERTs to a database.

 

by bonesoft
12-15-06
We have 4000 mandays worth of work. Deadline in 15 days and there are only 10 of us.
What are you standing around here for! Join the herd and get working on the project as our Alpha-male demands!
I just realized that we cannot produce more than 150 mandays with the current crew! There is no way we're ready by the deadline!
You're right, we better approach our PM to make him aware of this problem.
Don't argue with me! Get back in the pack and start coding, whatever you got after 15 days will go to production, no matter what!
Meeting the deadline is just impossible there is no way we get ready on time!

 

by bonesoft
12-15-06
*sigh* J2EE guy any ideas where to begin? We need to get an application server asap, and there is no hardware to be found?
Do I look like I care? And if I were to care whats in it for me?
Well we'd be very grateful if you could do this for us. You scratch my a* and I scratch your etc
Not a very tempting offer. But I guess I could install it on my old laptop. It slow as h*ll but I guess it's enough for you to get started with. Go fetch it for me please.
....and so the "temporary" solution is born
Are you sure he said the computer we need is stored in a trashcan?
Yes Yes, second trashbin from the left. Continue looking we haven't got all day.

 

by bonesoft
12-15-06
J2EE guys gets the laptop/server ready
The server is up and running, or walking as I should say with the current machine, better go tell the guys in Dev.
A lot of new stuff in this project, we'll need to do a workshop, learn Java and a brushup on edlin would also be good
Alpha-CodeMonkey makes a request
Thanks for setting us up! Since you're lead programmer, it would be great if you did a java workshop and help design the system
What! I have my own projects. And if you don't know how to somthing I'm not gonna teach you how! Learn by doing is my slogan, get on with it.
Is this the beginning of a mutiny.......
...and then he says we have to learn stuff on our own! As that is a part of our job, I'm here to code not to learn stuff and read!!
We may actually have to read manuals ourselves! It's fate more cruel than death or listening to Celine Dion!

 

by bonesoft
12-16-06
Hey! Who or what are you, and why are you in my cubicle?
There are lots of us around, you just usually don't see us. We're usually only found in the ritual of grooming where one codemonkey grooms the other codemonkeys output.
More of you around huh? Could be that you guys are responsible for the funny behaviour of my code.
Go out and fill the codebase the bugfairy said. I think with the climate around here we will multiply like noone has multiplied before!
Or better yet, I have the PM review my code. He is is both an engineer with a diploma AND a manager that should qualify him for anything.

 

by bonesoft
12-16-06
I really don't undestand what we're supposed to do. And the deliverables seem to change every senond minute.
WHAT WAS THAT?
There's a something causing a draft in my cubicle! I'm getting the flu, any idea what's causing this.
*SIGH* That's just the moving target we're aiming for in this project.

 

by bonesoft
12-17-06
And then this small creepy thing told me about code grooming...and since you have a diploma I quess you good do it
Code grooming and small insects. Sure I'll have a look at it just print out the code and I'll help you!
No wonder we have problems, even the punctuation is all wrong! com.bonesoft.shoppingcart.addItem, WTF! And the plot just impossible to follow, who is this Integer FooBar popping up here and there?

 

by bonesoft
12-18-06
The bugs are getting comfortable until one day
?
Where did you come from haven't seen you around before?
Oh, they just started correcting the code as a result of the grooming done by the project manager.
There goes the neighbourhood
Shit! There goes the chance of any privace around here!

 

by bonesoft
12-18-06
I am standing here in front of our Strategic Project Charter pile
I wonder if I could promote you as a "Technical" Project Manager to clear these piles out
Oh my god ! Admin work !
There goes your change to get corner room !!!

 

by bonesoft
12-18-06
When kind words
So do you understand now how wonderful idea this "Technical" PM Is
a as admin...
are not helping..
If he don't buy it now... then I'll have to ..
b as bonus
Then it's time for serious development discussions
.. use somewhat more serious tools in these Development Discussions
c as escape..

 

by bonesoft
12-18-06
It's not that I would not respect him... His heads our PMO and is a Manager..
and he is also the only one who knows how to create baselines with M$Project...
But he keeps on telling me abouth this career change to "Technical" PM

 

by bonesoft
12-18-06
This is the long arm of Project Management Offfice
Ok. I'll surrender. I'll be your "Technical" Project Manager...
Ok. It's really not that difficult. Here are your main tools to lead our projects to Victory ang Glory
Ok, what the heck - it's just admin work. It really can't kill me - right ?
Right tools for right person
Well it should not...
Here we go..

 

by bonesoft
12-18-06
Not all is bad being a Technical PM, sales reps from different vendors contact you and try to bribe you.
You really ought to buy our new java development tool. It creates code at a phase never seen before!
Some are more professional than others.
And aschh I *hick* saiizz itsch alscho kompatibel with VAX/VMS and other J2EE platforms. Have you seen my pantsch? *hick*
And others just make you go hmmmmm!
You may abuse me in any way, as long as you buy our products. Our tools are aimed at ANALyzing the code for performance bottlenecks!

 

by bonesoft
12-18-06
..plan?
.. so after all this is really easy. Instead of just letting the code come out from your head you will just plan what you do and do what you planned
...uh...work ?
Just plan your work before doing it... are you okay with that ?
So does this basically mean that I have to plan what kind of Pizza I would like before ordering one ?

 

by bonesoft
12-19-06
Bonesoft Product Management hits the fan
I am The Bat out of Product Management.
I have created a new product, which will revolutionize mobile computing !
I hereby annouce: "SehrBra is mobilizing the mobile business !"
SMS base IDE is something which all code monkeys have been waiting for...
.. but it's true. We have to code a SMS based programming environment !
Oh no, not again !

 

by bonesoft
12-20-06
This idea of yours with the SMS interface is great! Now we just need to get buy in from the Bored of Directors.
Why don't you meet them and our financial backers in person.
??
How come the Bat of Prod Management and the Venture capitalist never are in the same room at the same time?
I'm here to suuch your motoroil!

 

by bonesoft
12-20-06
SWAT Team from our current Future is trying to stop this insanity before it gets started..
Our SehrBra SMS based programming environent is going to make edlin look oldfashioned..
But they might be too late ?
Oh no - we came too late ... they have already invented it
And today we will sent the first snipplet of code..
And Bat out of Product Management knows when to make a move...
Nevertheless - I am gonna give it a shot anyway...

 

by bonesoft
12-26-06
Timetravelers from the past try to stop the codemonkeys
I must find the 12 codemonkeys and get shot in front of child-me Thats the only way to fullfill my destiny and save the world.
Hey man take it easy, I just decided to stay in the past. This time sure beats for example ancient Egypt!
Their entrance has been noticed
Oh PMO, I feel a sudden disturbance in both the force and my motivation!
Shut up and keep working you idiot! We're doing the right thing by releasing this application to the world!
..the end is near?
Was it the blue or the red pill that is keeping me sane? Hmm big deal my rich dad takes care of me, not like I have to perform or anything.

 

by bonesoft
12-27-06
ARGH! F*cking timetravel, I always end up in the wrong place and my Frequent Wormhole Miles are only valid on trips starting 29'th of February!
What! Have they sent somebody to assist me? And missed the time this badly, unbelievable!
*Sigh* It may look that way, but this is 1915 and WW I, what you want is 1975 and Redmond
Is this the Microsoft competition war room?

 

by bonesoft
12-27-06
Phew! Out of the trenches, hi native people I communicate like my old aunt used to do when going on trips abroad. Shouting in my own language!
??
HI! WHERE AM I WHAT YEAR IS IT AND WHO ARE YOU AND WHO IS THE RPESIDENT?
It never fails, as soon as you have a hangover and hide in the storeroom for some peace and quiet. Some jerk jumps in and start screaming!
So you have no clue who's the president, and you think its the year 2006, Mr Mike Crotch, Well thank you, I'm in the right time at least
Whatever, no off you go. Remeber the target is most likely the red robot, nobody likes red robots, or working for that matter

 

by bonesoft
12-27-06
I'm a nasty bug, come gimme a hug! ???? HUH?
Stop there! I'm the codefairy! Could you please gimme a statusreport on our breeding situation.
Better than good mam. There is almost one of us in each line of code, we're looking into expading into rows containing only brackets now!
Good, rumours has it thought that there is codegrooming going on. I'm transforming you into a sexy Playboy bunny to distract the CodeMonkeys!
Sure this plan is going to work. Even thuogh the body is just a vessel,I sure liked the other vessel A LOT better!

 

by bonesoft
12-27-06
The sexy bunny goes to work
Distract, them as a sexy white bunny, OMG, what a task. What am I gonna do come up to them and say I'm the Bunny from the Matrix DVD, follow me?
Apparently the sex appeal isn't there
MY EYES, MY EYES. Please make the bunny go away, or at least poke my eyes out!
Shit, my sexy dance didn't do the trick. This is harder than I thought. Should I try to offer another lap-dance.
One of the first setbacks ever is reported back to the CodeFairy
This outfit doesn't work. They have internet so they can watch all the free porn they want.

 

by bonesoft
12-27-06
Task force goes looking for the fearsome staff of PM
Hey, you're a red robot, are you in anyway related to the Bat Out Of Product Management.
I'm here to suuuck you moto..... krhmmm I think I saw the BOOPM going that way
The BOOPM transforms
Where? I don't see him..whohoo??
Are we actually gonna get the product Released, will there be upgrades, useless features, false promises and more lies by PR? Stay tuned.....

 

by bonesoft
12-28-06
To kickstart the project bonesoft decides to use external consultants
Hi I'm the consultant you hired, I'm a real wiz at J2EE, what is there to be done?
I dunno, no clue no plans. All of mgmt is on holiday, but go speak to our Project Manager.
Fact gathering trip continue
Ok, so what are the specs, and do we have any plans, milestones etc. And is the deadline already set and told publicly.
Specs? Plans? Milestones? Hardware? DEADLINE! Theres a word I know.
A while later........
So you have no coordination or project lead, and you have lost the admin password. But you still want me to be done in 2 weeks?
Yupp! And you may only charge for the time you're typing. We won't pay for you being unproductive!

 

by bonesoft
12-28-06
So I don't have a computer and I cannot connect my laptop to your systems, what is the plan now?
We've decided to get wasted! Since you're the expert we monkeys can take it easier, come in at 11 and leave at 15, 13:00 if we skip lunch!
I'll go and look for a new job, see you laters dudes!
Ok, if you find a new job we want you to bring us some cake!
Drinking kills braincells and if you start with little you're left with very little
Look the consultant was right driving nails into my doesn't hurt at all!
ME NEXT, ME NEXT! Cool echo sound btw! Almost like bongo drums. %In the jungle the mighty jungle %

 

by bonesoft
1-01-07
SWAT Team returns to our current future...
And it seems to be
So your team member has dissapered
We found the body - even dna was bruined and we managed to indentify him only by his underware..
.. that future is still there...
And when looking around I see that you could not prevent this from happening .. they managed to release that SMS Based IDE..
... and zillions of offshore programmers still hit the send button at the same time...

 

by bonesoft
1-08-07
Hi PM, hwo is it going, heard something about a SMS IDE. That will demand a lot of testing
hmmm, we kinda cut back on testing.Project Late, no Funding, No Time etc
Uhuh, but you can postpone the release date, and allocate some more time to testing I assume?
Well, we decided to let the customers do the testing. They'll complain anyways so why not give them a reason?
But off I go now, have to deliver these tools to the guys in developement.
..must...control. urge...to..insert... buttplug...of...death

 

by bonesoft
1-11-07
Here we are . .. the body of our buried monster app project is ready to be resurrected
I wonder how can I get things going again..
Maybe I could boost the project back on track with couple of well placed arguments..

 

by bonesoft
1-11-07
First Skilled Professionals Re-Surrect the dead code, some time replacing old snippets of COBOL with Java
Est Mortum El Ressurectum Del Diablo Muerte
Thats some nasty ancient evil magic you're citing man
Usually the Re-Surrected code is quite quickly shot down, or killed by proj mgr disquished as bunnies
Poor App never saw it coming. I smell carrot and blood this might be a good lead.
Then the code is buried again in a pet-cemetary awaiting the next Project Manager with access to the Book of The Dead Code to come along

 

by bonesoft
5-24-07
Project Manager has a look at the re-surrected code
Hmmm the code has been re-animated, but it still refuses to work. Seems like it needs a complete makeover
Off to the consultant we go
Knock, knock, uuuh java wiz dude have you been able to look at the legacy code yet?
It's hopeless, lets bury it again. I would need a billion codemonkies to get this done, and now I'm only talking about documenting the damn thing!
...is this the proving to be a new place for the bugs to conquer?
Darn, where do I get that many codemonkeys! It will cost us a fortune in cashew-nuts alone!
I'm the Lady of the Shore! I have many code monkeys who are ready to surve my*cough* your purpose. Let me take care of the code.

 

by bonesoft
5-24-07
Step 1 : Find a good location and a source of cheap labor
I'll start a code business here. It both serve my plans and give you the $€ you need. My associate will soon arrive and brief you.
OK! I'll wait for that associate of yours. Hopefully we've installed electricity and gotten the modem up and running by then.
Step 2 : Send someone you don't want in the home office to be boss
Hi, sir! I assume your the new manager around here. We've got everything ready, so we can do the training and then start typing on the type-writers you sent us
Traini..??? Ah yees, I'll teach you everything I know about QA. As a matter of fact I think I've already learnt you everything I know.
Step 3 : Get the local people to adopt your ways of working
Sooo... we eat bananas for 1 hour in the morning, 2 hours at noon and then leave for the banana bar in the evening, sounds like the good life to me!
Yupp! I'm not sure we're doing the Banana Bar thing right though. The boss said something about the one in Amsterdam being better.

 

by bonesoft
5-26-07
As the codemonkeys have nothing to do they get restless
Have you realized we 're getting less and less project coming our way nowadays.
Yupp you're right, as if they found somebody else to give all the projects to. I'll go and have a chat with the PM.
Restlessness usually get escalated to somebody just as clueless
..so since we don't have any projs, who is picking up the slack? Are we being replaced?
Uuuhmmm uuuh, I dunno. We have been doing a lot less lately, I'll go check with the CIO
And the Oscar awards go to.....
..so me and the boys thought we should be getting more projects and tasks if everything was OK.....
I can sincerely say that we are not outsourcing and never plan to!

 

by bonesoft
5-26-07
Darn that CIO, told me that everything was OK. Somehting odd is going on I can tell, have time to play both minesweeper AND solitaire nowadays
Hi, aren't you the Project Manager for our COBOL/Java project?
Hi, PM of obscure projects, why are you wearing a tie nowadays, did somebody die?
Haven't you heard we've found cheaper monkeys abroad. As soon as their up to speed we only have PM's here all the monkeys are gone
OK, now I get it. We get rid of the monkeys we got, replace them with a bunch abroad. And that will leave us PM's ruling the cubicles around here. What can possible go wrong!
Exactly with cheaper labour costs, and our magnificent leadership we cannot fail! Fame and riches is coming our way!

 

by bonesoft
5-27-07
Finally I found the specs for the system, I'll send them to my foreign codemonkeys asap.
In the lobby of the outsourcing company
Hi Mork you're in early today
Heard rumours that we finally get the specs sent to us today. I'll have a look at them and we might finally do some real work.
Later that day
Saw you printed out the specs today. Any good?
Nah, written in some foreign language, and dated back to the days before our independence. Called them and they said they're sending down a couple of specialists.

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