All comics by dr_butcher

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by dr_butcher
4-19-07
Ok, Gary we need to talk. You seem really Hyperactive, I think you should lay off the coffee.
I waited 9 long months to use this "Number One Dad" mug, and damnit I'm going to use it as much as possible!
I understand Gary, there is just one problem.
...And that is?!
Your baby was stillborn.
...Shut up and get me more coffee!!

 

by dr_butcher
4-19-07
The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club!
Brad, this isnt Fight Club this is the basement to your A.A. meeting.
The second rule of Fight Club is YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!
You are drunk now arent you?
Yes...
Well in that case. If you could fight any historical figure who would it be?

 

by dr_butcher
4-20-07
You dont look too good.
Ya, I've been up every night crying this week.
Don't worry about it, I have a plan.
thank you.
The Next Day
Did it work?
That guy who put the "No More Tears" label on Kids Shampoo is full of shit!

 

by dr_butcher
4-20-07
My brother came out of the closet, so my dad started calling him a "Fruit".
Until he got into that diving accident...
Now my dad calls him a "vegetable".

 

by dr_butcher
4-20-07
Hey!
Wow you seem excited whats up?
I was thinking at our next necrophiliac meeting we could all go up to my attic and fuck my dead Grandma!
Ew you are sick that is your grandma and I will have no part of it.
Hmmm...I guess beggers can be choosers.

 

by dr_butcher
4-23-07
Do you remember that episode of Mr. Belvedere when wesley gets molested by his camp counselor?
I find that episode difficult to watch because it reminds me of my time at camp.
It's so hard being fired from your dream job.

 

by dr_butcher
4-23-07
Carl, when i said you could babysit my kids, I didnt say you could beat them!
What are you talking about? Your kids are obviously lying.
I set up a "nanny cam" and saw the whole thing.
If you watched the whole thing you should know I had sex with your kids which means you are in posession of child pornography!
You are one sick fuck!

 

by dr_butcher
4-23-07
Don't worry we will be safe from those zombies in here.
I think one of those zombies is my dead grandmother.
Oh ya. I had to double kill my grandmother once.
Double kill?
Ya, before she was a zombie i had to pull her plug to get our Necrophiliac meetings off to a start...Hardest decision of my life.
Ya, now that the dead have risen your Necrophiliac get togethers havent been the same... The mini sandwiches are good though.

 

by dr_butcher
4-23-07
I fucking hate the desert.

 

by dr_butcher
4-23-07
Oh good God what have I've done? I killed my only infant child with my axe!
And on Easter of all days!! My wife is going to divorce me...the cops will arrest me...suicide is my only way out of this mess!...
Dammit!! Now my wife's going to return that "Number One Dad" mug back to the store.

 

by dr_butcher
4-23-07
So did you have a good easter vacation?
I sure did. I got my son a Nerf ball. he had a blast throwing it around.
Hey watch your mouth. Nerf is a trademarked name. In this office call it a "Novelty Foam Throwing Sphere"
Oh sorry. He had a blast throwing his Novelty Foam Throwing Sphere around.
Is your son a wuss? Real boys use hardballs so they can grow up to become Real Men!
Come to think of it i have been easy on the boy. When i get home im taking off this belt and beating him until he wont know Whats What!

 

by dr_butcher
4-23-07
Did you hear about the School shooting at Virginia Tech?
Yes it's sad really.
I Know, Thats why the wife and I home school our son. To avoid such an incident.
Ya, your son is kinda weird. What playing with Nerf Balls and all, this way he wont hurt anyone elses kids.
thats not what i meant....wait a minute...the wifes teaching him now...
Face it Lawrence...shes dead.

 

by dr_butcher
7-03-07
I heard about your new baby boy congratulations. What did you name the little guy?
Oscar.
Oscar, that is an interesting name. Did you name him after anyone in particular?
Ya, Oscar the Grouch.
Oscar the Grouch? Why would you name him after a muppet?
This way the wife and I dont feel as bad about discarding him in the garbage.

 

by dr_butcher
7-03-07
Thanks for taking me in off the streets until this zombie epidemic blows over.
Hey not a problem.
...
..So...
You want to play Hungry Hungry Hippos?

 

by dr_butcher
7-03-07
I dont want to sound like a jerk but I hope there is plenty to eat while this zombie outbreak goes on.
Dont worry. I have crates full of rations.
Got anything to kill time?
We can always play hungry hungry hippos.
Yknow? I lost my job because of hungry hungry hippos. No matter how hungry hungry a hippo is, it wont eat marbles. Marbles aint actually food.
Marble aint food!!? Than we are fucked!

 

by dr_butcher
7-03-07
That was one hell of a zombie outbreak last week eh?
Tell me about it, i had to eat Willy the homeless man just to survive.
Dont feel too bad, Willy ate Oscar your discarded trash baby to survive the week before last!
Really? That is weird coincidence.
It's not a coincidence...It's the circle of life my son.
and when i die, i will become the grass..and the antelopes will eat the grass..that is if the lawnboy doesnt mow me first.

 

by dr_butcher
9-21-07
You have been doing such a good job around the office I have decided to give you a weeks vacation.
Really? That would be great. I've been pretty stressed out lately.
Well you deserve some time off starting immediately.
Thank you sir. This is going to feel better than a new borns Vagina.
Thats pretty disgusting.
You're right. This vacation im just gonna stick with anal.

 

by dr_butcher
11-04-07
Did you hear, Tony drove his car into a river and drowned last night.
Ya I know he was text messaging me on his cell phone while he was driving.
That doesnt sound very safe at all.
Ya you should check out the message he sent while he was drowning.
"Omg WTF MY CAR IZ FILLING W/ WATERZ!!11!!1 :( :( :(" .....That is pretty intense, how could you reply to that?
I just wrote "LOLZ"... I wonder if he got that message before he died.

 

by dr_butcher
11-22-07
Congratulations on yet another newborn baby!
Thanks, I've been having so many I cant even afford this one a proper cradle.
Awe really? What is it sleeping in?
My old paintshaker.
Yknow thats not a good idea, if you shake a newborn it could risk death.
Really? Here I am depriving it of food, light and human contact ..and you are telling me I can just plug in the damn paintshaker!?

 

by dr_butcher
11-22-07
Would you believe when I was a kid I was ferel?
Really how did you ever snap out of it?
I Didn't I was raised by cattle.
Oh i get it; its a funny take on the everyday work world. You would make the funnies in the newspaper very proud.
Ya I think my original take about dressing my children up in blackface and crucifying them on the mcdonald arches would go over everyones head..
I dunno...blackface is pretty funny.

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