Listen, I heard you're casting Keanu Reeves as the lead in the new Constantine movie. Why did you cast my least-favorite actor as my favorite comic book character?
You see Charles, it's all part of our plan to destroy everything you love.
You know how you can't enjoy lesbians anymore because of Kissing Jessica Stein? That was us.
And think of all the other books you enjoyed that were made into shitty movies: Battlefield Earth, Day of the Jackal, John Steakley's VAMPIRE$. We did those, too.
Well, congratulations. Your efforts to defile all the good things in my life have been very thorough.
Could we have your mother's address? We'd like to rape her to death with a meathook.
