All comics by edmund_hoffmaster

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the beer.
dude, what the F@#!?
...
confrontation.
DUDE! that's my last beer, man...c'mon!
dude. it's just beer. besides, it was in the fridge...right?
defeat.
i'm such a b@#ch...

 

so, i met this chick, right? and i totally think she digs me.
but when i sent her flowers she never called or wrote back! what should i do?
BBAAAA
goddammit

 

Father, i need your help. i can't go to my friends 'cause they never listen to me...
i was hoping you could help me with my girl problems since none of them will. FATHER!!??
goddammit
ZZzzzz

 

Sam gets a letter from his girlfriend.
goddammit.
Dear Sam, I have some things i want you to know. First off, I don't think we should see each other anymore...
Tom reads the letter to Sam.
Fuck her!
...Secondly, I'm moving in with steve. We've been seeing each other for a few months now.
Sam does something stupid.
I hate that bitch!
Sorry, dude. She sucks.

 

Ed tries on costumes for Halloween.
No.
What do ya think?
Too over-done, what are you twelve? i mean seriously, dude.
Ok, this one's a classic, right?
Just be yourself. (chuckle)
A clown?

 

Jesus.
i hate my life...
Jesus again.
always the same shit, different day.
Squirrely's revenge.
Dude, all you do is bitch and moan. You've been up there all day crying about your life. Just let it go...seriously. Just Let go.

 

I'm pretty, and smart, and every guy at school wants to be my boyfriend, I just know it. (giggle) I guess I should go throw up lunch now.
You know, I can fix all that.
Just because I'm pretty, and smart, and everyone knows it? That's not very nice.
Well, you're a bitch.
POOF!!
Oh my God! What have you done?
Oh, don't worry. You're a very beautiful man. HAHAHAHA

 

...and I was thinking that you should probably not come back...
What the fuck?
...I just need someone who gives me what I need. And right now, you're not doing that. You're selfish...
Bitch...
Hmmmm...
...

 

Hmm...
...and you don't assert yourself when you should. You can't control a situation, and you're too sensitive...
...I'm done with you, Tom. Rachel.
Damn...
Rachel's House
She better be here.

 

It Starts
Hey honey!!!! This is your nail in my head!
What the.....what are you doing?
Watch this!
AAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Dear rachel, i want you to know, that I have decided to agree with your decision to break up. i think we should go our separate ways. love, tom.

 

Merry Christmas! Hey! what the....?
It's June. Dumbass...

 

Hey! My name's Katie. I'm in second grade. What's your name? You're real quiet mister. Is something wrong?
...
Well...my dad says when he gets upset he likes to go swimming. Maybe you should go swimming. I think you would have fun.
*sigh*
Where are you going? Wanna swing with me?...

 

Old people amaze me.
...milk...eggs...cookies for jacob...cat food...dog food...diapers...
They are always in the middle of shit, but they never seem to be bothered. or even notice.
...centrum...metamusal...eggs...i got that...paper towels...toilet paper...porn for jacob...
like this old lady here. how the hell do they do it?
...dog food...bird seed...cat...shit! now i have to start over...i'm all confused... eggs...milk... or is it milk...eggs?

 

Um...Man? I don't think this is right, dude.
Dude, quit bein' such a bitch. We're almost there. Check out the chics...hell yeah!
Un-Holy Shit! Watch your step.
Dude. There are no chics here, dammit. I want my money back asshole.
Sorry, buddy. You signed up for this tour, I'm not stoppin' it. All signatures finalize any and all dealings.

 

ZZzzzz...
Yep! That's what happens when you try and back out of your deal. You get stuck here...that poor sonofabitch only had three days, but wouldn't shut up about it.
WHOA! Is that Jesus?
Guess Satan didn't pay last month's power bill. Happens all the time.
What the fuck?

 

Tired of his character's ill-mood AND unfriendliness, Player1 has opted for charcter execution.
AAAHHHH!!!! Where did this wall come from?
.....
Player1 has ensured the death of his character...BUT...
HA HA HA...Stupid HUMAN
Stupid SIMS...
...An unsuspecting Player1 has just sealed his own fate.
I love this Game!!!

 

A familiar scene. A helpless forest animal caught between uncertainty and death. Could it have been a cigarette? Maybe a campfire someone didn't extinguish...
*cough, cough* it sure is awfully smokey out here...
...Whatever the cause, this poor, helpless little guy is doomed. And someone is at fault. So kids...
...What the...Oh my God, NO!!!
...REMEMBER:
!!!!
Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires!!!

 

i'm garbage
...
*sigh*
Hmmm...
! ! !
? ? ?

 

Jesus.
Desert.
Judas.
They gotta blame the Romans...

 

Man am I Fucking drunk.
Dude! You Don't look so good, you okay?
I'm So Dizzy...
AHAHAHAHAAA!!!
Who Turned out the the lights? Uh Oh...Oh God....*hurl*
Oh, weak Dude!

 

why isn't it going anywhere???
Uh..Oh...
Happy 4th!!!

 

Father, do you ever wonder if god is really listening?Okay. I'm gonna read this letter, then. I hope he's listening...Dear Jesus, I was looking at my friend's...
Well, my son, it's easy. Just know that he is, and verything is alright.
...sister the ohter day and i thought of you. I said, 'What would Jesus do?' So i ran up behind her, bent her over, and had my way with her. I guess you really wouldn't have done that...
...but it's still funny to think about...

 

Good evening America. I have very troubling , yet very important news. I slept with Laura Bush and she performed fellatio on me in the oral, i mean oval office.
You're sick. Inconceev-abl-e! Pre-post-taryous! I'm gonna rip your head off! I hate you...
Calm down Mr. Bush...She consented. I did not have forced sexual relations with that woman.
Goddammit! I'm gonna send you to Abu Jafar prison where you will be saddamized and tort-ured and stuff.
Dubya, Are you stupid on purpose, or were you just born that way? We can help, you know. It was Laura's idea, anyway! She asked me for it! I swear! ask Monica. She'll tell you. Honest!
Actually, I'm Saddam posing as Bush to win over the American people. Sleep with Laura all you want, I do not care. She is my concubine. Ask her for the "special" next time...Ha Ha Ha

 

I love America
Do you often have trouble getting to sleep, or stayiong asleep once you have? Well, I have a solution to this horrible, yet common problem.
Every night!
I call it, Sleep aid 99. A brand new, experimental drug that causes you to fall asleep fast and stay asleep longer. No side effects. Just simply take a spoonful...
Just like this?
HA HA HA!!! It works! Now I can take over the world! Ha ha HA. No More bloody Americans and their sick, evil ways. I'll get you Bush...I'll get you!
...god dammit...

 

Our hero serenades the audience as "the woman" listens in horror...
at first i was afraid...i was petrified...i thought i could never live w/out u by my side...
...
but then i spent so many nights, thinkin' how you did me wrong, and i grew strong... i learned how 2 carry on...
What the fuck!?
i should've changed that fucking lock, i should have made you leave your key, if i had known for just one second, you'd be back to bother me...
ARGGHH!!!

 

 

If you keep moving around...i won't be able to do this right...

 

Okay...let's let that sink in, and i'll be back in a few minutes to check on you...
by edmund_hoffmaster, 9-03-06

 

No...I got this, I do this ALL the time...
ZZZzzzz...
Dude...you want some help? It looks like you're doing it wrong.

 

Why are you all up in my shit, man? I told you I don't need your help. Besides, this is a very delicate procedure...I don't think your axe will help.
ZZZzzz....
I have an axe, bro...

 

Dude, i swear to god, if you touch my cadaver with that axe i'm gonna kick your ass...
ZZZzzz....
Look, dude, I can help...

 

You sonafabitch!...Look at my scrubs...they're ruined...you asshole! Look at my cadaver...it's all in pieces....goddammit!...You suck...i hate you.
What?...I just wanted to see what it was like...sorry, didn't mean to dirty your "clean" scrubs...you're such a bitch...

 

The moral: Never taunt a man in a bunny suit holding an axe.
...Asshole...
by edmund_hoffmaster, 9-03-06

 

Quiet, Loving man seeking beautiful, quiet, busty women. Must be at least 5'10" and must weigh no more than 155 lbs. Blonde hair preferred, but not required. Interest in sex a MUST. Call 000-5467
by edmund_hoffmaster, 9-03-06

 

'My dearest Tom, How have you been? Oh, how I miss you so. I can't wait until we're together again, and I can feel your strong arms wrapped around me...I love you, Tom.'
what the fuck???
'If only you knew how much my body has missed yours, you would understand what I have been through since leaving you. Oh, Tom, I hope you can take me back into your life, as I would you.'
she's got to be joking...
'Please, Tom, consider my offer of us getting together...I miss you so much, Tom...and I love you. xoxoxoxo Love, your favorite Peach...PS call me... : )'
..I'd rather drive rusted nails through my skull...

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