All comics by jguitarj

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by jguitarj
9-25-03
meanwhile...back in the states.
Hey man! did you see that new Honda "element"...?
Yeah...im looking at it now!
Waht do you think 'bout it?
mmmmmmm......
I think I will go get a Push Pop!

 

by jguitarj
9-25-03
Robin....I told you not to drink before our shows man!!
What are you talking about....I am cool and collected!
Are you sho' bout dat?
Yeah Terrence.....I got my drums tuned, cymbals are set, sticks are taped up......Im ready to go!
..........I even got a copy of our set list in my pants!

 

by jguitarj
9-25-03
So I was reading this article in Guitar World magazine how alot of chicks dig guys playing air guitar at bars. They say about 90% of chicks leave their boyfriends for a guy doing air guitar
Oh is that right?.....
Yeah man.....I was at Quenchers last night and saw it actually happen..this dude started playing air guitar to an AC/DC song...Chicks start to flock him...it was intense dude!
I only get abot 10% of the chicks.
Why is that bro?
I play air bass

 

by jguitarj
9-25-03
Circa 1981
So I got this idea for a TV show about this super car that talks and has all these neat gadgets and attachments like an ejector seat and the supercar and its driver go around fighting crime....
.....nope, not gonna work!
.......How about an island where this guy in a grey suit assisted by a midget helps you live out your fantasy and makes you realize that your life isnt so bad now that............
............Lame....ass!
....And I got this idea about filming in real time, people stranded in a remote location while they fight to survive while forming aliances and voting other people out of the program, last one wins...
....nope, that would be as far fetched as that guy cyborg from Terminator running for Governor.

 

by jguitarj
9-25-03
Janey.....I keep having these reoccuring dream about going to hell and meeting the devil. But everytime I see the devil, his back is truned to me and I cant see his face.
Strange, I have the same dream too. But in my dream, i can actually see his face!
Wow, is it scary?...I mean...that freaks me out lady!...can you tell me more about how the devil looks?
Ok...let me try to remember..He has bushy red hair, he has a long elongated smile that seemed to resemble a muppet, he goes around annoying people....with an 800 number
yikes that is very scary!
I wonder how that cat tastes.

 

by jguitarj
9-25-03
Hey! Thanks for going out to dinner with me! I spent about $120 for dinner, $60 for the drinks, $20 for valet parking, $30 for the movie, and $50 for a nightcap......can I go upstairs and get some?
Not a chance bub!
Aw...come on! I would have spent as much on an escort service!
Even though! It doesn't guarantee you will get some!
....Oh....I got about $10 left for a lapdance

 

by jguitarj
9-26-03
Hey man! Wassup? You gotta help me out with some lines to pick up chicks with. Any Ideas?
Sure man! You have to say some thing very sensual, yet intelligent but exciting. You also have to be sincere and you should'nt sound desperate. try that!
I have the first season of Sex in the City on dvd. Wanna come by my place?
.....OK!

 

by jguitarj
9-26-03
Oy Mate! Never seen a big jellyfish like that before on the river Thames!
Aye Laddie, That is a wee bit bigger than most jellyfishes oy ever seen on the Thames. It also resembles that chap David Blaine.
Aye.....it does have a striking resemblence to that bloke.

 

by jguitarj
9-26-03
We interupt your program to bring you this news. Apparently, aliens have descended to earth and started to beam up all the life sustaining plantlife. Please join us in the fight to stop this attrocity
.....Wait...this just in.....Now the aliens are starting to vacuum the water from major fresh water lakes.......is there any one to help........
...........Now the aliens have unleashed a giant tractor beam to pull all the gas-gussling SUV's into outerspace. Oh The Humanities!!!!

 

by jguitarj
9-30-03
Hello son...it seems to me that your mom and I have decided to have a chat with you on a specific topic. Its seems that your mom has caught you many times playing with yourself...
Its nothing to be embarassed about...in fact its a natural biological function. Every male and some females need that to satisfy some primal urges...its that, excessively...it causes blindness.
......................Im over here dad!

 

by jguitarj
10-02-03
Telemarketers will find a way!!!!
Hello! Are you the head of household? I would like to talk to you about a revolutionary product called "The Segway." A motorized personal unit for people that are too lazy to walk more than 4 feet..
I thought I was registered on the "DO NOT CALL LIST"
.....er.....we received your name from your internet provider when you did a keyword search for "YAK MILK," By law, since you requested info about our product.....we have permission to contact you....
What does the word "YAK MILK" have to do with the personal mobile unit Segway?
well..........."Segway" is also nepalese for yak milk.........hello?.........can i interest you with our free duffle bag...

 

by jguitarj
10-02-03
Telemarketers will find a way!!!!
Hello! Are you the head of household? I would like to talk to you about a revolutionary product called "The Segway." A motorized personal unit for people that are too lazy to walk more than 4 feet..
I thought I was registered on the "DO NOT CALL LIST"
.....er.....we received your name from your internet provider when you did a keyword search for "YAK MILK," By law, since you requested info about our product.....we have permission to contact you....
What does the word "YAK MILK" have to do with the personal mobile unit Segway?
well..........."Segway" is also nepalese for yak milk.........hello?.........can i interest you with our free duffle bag...

 

by jguitarj
10-02-03
Yeah.....listen lady, I got a prescription of Viagra two nights ago but its effects have resulted in a deformation of my penis. My meat helmet has turned purple.
Well, you have to read the prescription comments on the label on the bottle. There shouldnt be a problem if you only take one oraly before a lovemaking session.
Did you say oraly?

 

by jguitarj
10-03-03
Since I've been on the Atkin's Diet, I eat a strict diet of only chicken three times a day. In the course of the day, I equal eating a whole chicken. I do this 7 days a week..thats 7 whole chickens..
.....roughly 30 chickens a month, 365 chickens a year, 658 lbs of white meat and 619 lbs of dark meat, I have to incubate 30 cartons of eggs to produce that many chickens a year....
....Geez I love Chicken...
Clinical studies have proven that "obsession to math" is an unhealthy disorder induced by protein diets.......should be enough to deter you from doing it...... This message is brought to you by PETA

 

by jguitarj
10-08-03
Siegfried and I have spent every waking moment with our animals. We watch and observe. We talk to them, take walks with them, swim with them, meditate with them. Day by day, we learn about each other.
But you must have patience and respect for Mother Nature. Because when an animal gives you its trust, you feel like you have been given the most beautiful gift in the world.''
Roy! Hurry up.....im hungry!!!

 

by jguitarj
10-08-03
What are your future plans for California Mr. Schwarzenegger?
We have tough choices ahead. The first choice that we must make is the one that will determine our success. Shall we rebuild our state together or shall we fight amongst ourselves. observe the screen
those were excerpts from Commando, Predator, and other action movies you starred in.
Yes. Of Course! I failed to mention that I asked Sylvester Stalone to be Lt. Governor

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