All comics by slowbeef

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by slowbeef
1-14-04
During the commute to work, the bathing suit programmer's mind snaps into action!
Good lord. It appears a woman is massaging that walrus.
At least, the walrus seems to be enjoying it.
Do you suppose, perchance, that a walrus would not enjoy such a thing? Mayhaps if we were a walrus, the massages would be free.
I hope my coworkers don't give me crap about wearing a bathing suit to work.
Old bean, I do hope you are at least wearing the trunks with the faux zipper in the front. Perhaps it is not actually a zipper, but it will certainly fool them!
Hahaha! Claudius, you are allllll right!

 

by slowbeef
1-14-04
On this starry night, two who were destined for love meet.
I am Jordan, the flying fish that listens to Rob Zombie a lot.
I am Frenchy, the man with no distinctive character traits - save being French - and it is nice to meet you.
The dance of seduction.
I was worried about going on a blind date, since I've never been on one before. But you seem like a good-looking, well-mannered Frenchman.
Oui, Les poisson. You are quite a handsome fish in your own right. Do you want to go to a sushi restaurant, followed by a Rob Zombie concert, then go back to my place and watch "Finding Nemo."
Pursue. Relent. Pursue. Relent. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
I would have to be a cannibal to eat sushi. But I'll take you up on Rob Zombie and "Finding Nemo". But if you'll excuse me, I must go slam into the back of my Dragula.
Fish, you are more human than human.

 

by slowbeef
1-14-04
Deep in the lost woods...
Hey fairy, check me out! I got a new helmet!
Link, you look ridiculous. Wait, you're not trying to trap me in a glass jar, are you?
Yeah, but the reflective sheen of my head will blind my foes, and now instead of a sword, I've got "Master Headbutt!"
Right. I see you've got all your heart containers full. Why did you come all this way to my lake? Are you going to keep me in a glass jar?
....uh...so that Dodongo, really dislikes smoke, huh?

 

by slowbeef
1-14-04
OMG! You are holding so many CDs! WTF?!
Well, Bill Cosby, I'm hauling my Natalie Imbruglia albums to the dump, where that she beast will haunt me no more. I don't even know who gave me all these.
LOLOLOL! :) That sounds like a Cosby mystery to me! ICTC, d00d.
ICTC? I'll Crack the Case?
lol :( you don't get it. I'll Count The CDs. That may give use a clue. You really need to RTFC.
I liked it better when you were Fat Albert.

 

by slowbeef
1-14-04
Did you hear the one about Cheney and the Olsen Twins?
I despise political humor, robot.
[Sniff.]
Gosh, I hope I didn't offend him. He could kill me with his laser vision.
I was raised on the streets, bitch!

 

by slowbeef
1-14-04
Argh! Have ye any aspirin?
Dude, I'm a witch. I don't have any aspirin.
Argh! I stuck my ship's steering wheel down the front of me pants!
Your ship's steering wheel is down the front of your pants?
Argh! Yes! And it's drivin' me nuts!

 

by slowbeef
1-16-04
The moon is pretty boring.
HOLY SHIT!!! A TALKING MONKEY!!!

 

by slowbeef
1-16-04
Donkey Kong is the hero of all monkeys. He sticks it to the man (literally, the man) by kidnapping his girl, and bringing her to a construction site and throws barrels at him!
No way! King Kong is the hero of all monkeys! He takes a girl to the top of the Chrysler building! And tragically falls to his ultimate demise! And his name is "King", not "Donkey"!
King Kong sucks! "Whaaaa! I'm the biggest monkey in the world! Oh no, airplanes! Better let go of this building!"
Yeah, well, at least he didn't get one-upped by a fat Italian plumber. "Oh no! He has a hammer! My barrels are useless, now!"
Well, to be fair, I bet King Kong would have done better if he had some barrels to throw at the airplanes.
Rational discourse wins the day!

 

by slowbeef
1-16-04
Okay, I'm broadcasting live to Earth, and I'm going to be the first man on the first trip to the moon in the 21st century.
How can I live up to Armstrong's "One small step for man" speech? Well, America's waiting. Better just step out there and say something...
HOUSTON: "We can see you and hear you pretty clearly, Gray."
Plantains better than bananas? Now I know you're insane!
Ladies and gentleman of Earth... HOLY SHIT!!! A TALKING MONKEY!!!

 

by slowbeef
1-16-04
HOUSTON: "Gray, did you just tell the people of Earth, 'Holy shit, a talking monkey'?"
Uh! Uh! No! What I meant was! Um... Hey! Another small step for man!
HOUSTON: "You're lucky we're not really broadcasting this live, Gray. Think of something else to say, and we'll broadcast that when you're ready."
You're not? Is this something you did with Armstrong?
HOUSTON: "Hell yes. On his first take, he said, 'Oh yeah! Guess who's on the moon? Armstrong, baby! Take that, you vodka-snorting commies!'"
God Bless America.

 

by slowbeef
1-16-04
Our hero, Gray, attempts to come up with his Moon Landing Speech.
Hey everybody! Welcome back to the moon!... no...
Yo! Earth! Remember Neil Armstrong? Consider him punked!... no...
Take that, bin Laden!... no...
I swear this isn't fake, you conspiracy theory nuts!... no...
It's probably going to be awhile.
So, this is yet another small step for man... but a leap, not so much.
How about, I declare this rock to be 'Planet of the Apes'!

 

by slowbeef
1-20-04
The creator of Deep Space Ballyhoo has a correction to make.
So monkeys can talk on the moon?
Of course. Though we don't have that much interesting to say.
So, what do you talk about?
Earlier, I was telling Pongo that King Kong sucks because he fell off the Chrysler building.
Silly monkey! He fell off the Empire State Building in the original, and the Chrysler building in the 1976 remake.
Great. I can finally converse with humans, and I get a movie dork.

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