All comics by stabbo

Profile

 

by stabbo
7-19-03
Any last words?
I do Brando impressions. (ahem) "Are you an assassin?"...That got me an audition at VH1.
I'm gonna empty this mag into your crotch.
Homicidal, gun-toting Kangaroo, you truly ARE a gem. May I ask what you do?
...I'm a congressional intern.
"The horror..."

 

by stabbo
7-19-03
You take my horse, boy?
I'm a girl.
Don't be sassin' me ya dirty, mop-haired whore! After I run my spurs through yer freckled ass, I'm gonna use yer face fer a saddle, missy! Now go on and git my horse, boy!
Are you Mr. Cowboy's horsey?
There ya are, horse! Git over here, we gotta haul ass!
I'm a hadrosaur, not a horse. I'd also appreciate it if you stopped feeding me beans and chewing tobacco -- did I just step in something?

 

by stabbo
7-19-03
I crushed a little girl today.
Just one? Hell, I gored two by mistake this mornin. And just an hour ago, I got one stuck on my left horn. I had to slice it in half while its mama watched.
Charming.
Which reminds me, I gotta get the hell outta here. But what's REALLY botherin ya?
...I still can't believe I have to wear this ridiculous hat.
I'd shoot myself.

 

by stabbo
7-20-03
I had a funny dream last night --
-- Git off the stage, horse! I gotta ride ya b'fur the tobacca store closes! Ya need yer nutrition, boy!
What happened?
I dreamt that my beans and tobacco diet gave me explosive diarrhea. And floating in that spectacular pool of excrement...WAS THIS BLASTED TOP HAT!

 

by stabbo
7-20-03
Guess who.
A certain cowboy with two very broken legs?
Good one, William. I was sorry to hear that last night's violently loose bowel movement failed to yield that strange hat of yours. I have, however, brought you some tea.
Thank you, Gerald. Although, the bathroom incident you're graphically referring to did not actually take place.
Good because that drunken excuse for a cowboy, currently in the corner running his spurs over that little girl's face, stopped me and stuffed beans and chewing tobacco in your tea.
I thought I crushed her.

 

by stabbo
7-23-03
Hello, little girl. Since you and the cowboy seem to have some kind of vile, twisted relationship, I thought it best to apologize for attempting to crush you recently. I'd like to make peace.
Hee-hee. That's a funny hat!
Pray to your God, child, for I shall show you no mercy.

 

by stabbo
7-24-03
You have 3 new messages. Message 1: "Hello William, Its Gerald. I heard that you, as Terrence so eloquently put it, 'went medieval on a little girl?' Call me back, we'll have tea." *BEEP*
Message 2: "Willy, it's Terry! You comin to karaoke tonight? The cowboy's here and he's yellin for ya! He's a real pisser! Cheers!" *BEEP*
Message 3: "Ya lousy horse! I'm all over town screamin and hollerin fur yur ass and you got one a them talkin machines! I don't even got those and I'm a Goddamn cowboy! Git yur ass -- *BEEP*

 

by stabbo
8-05-03
Hey horny. I'm meeting someone here. He's probably dressed as a cowboy. Seen him?
This is an interesting development.
I stuffed a camera under my hat.

 

by stabbo
8-10-03
Smashy-smashy.
Hey Lu, I wanted you to read something for me. I don't have my glasses today...were you just hammering a nail through your--
NO. No I wasn't. Now let's see: This contract states that you're to leave all your worldly possessions, including your first born, to me.
What?
See?
See what? Where's that letter I gave you?

 

by stabbo
8-10-03
I fired Oscar today. I rehired him a few minutes ago. Did you make a delivery to the city yet? Have you seen Lee? I need you to change a lightbulb in my office.
Good morning, Allen.
Hey, champ-a-roonie! Did you leave for the city yet? Dawn's on break so make sure you answer any calls. Have you seen Allen?
Break? Dawn just punched in.
Hey, have you seen Allen, Lee, Todd, Bill, Jack, Alex, Vivian, Benjie, or Dave? I'm going on break.
Good morning, Dawn. Allen wants you to change a lightbulb in his office. I'll be screaming in the bathroom.

 

by stabbo
8-23-03
Earlier today, police arrested a local cowboy charging him with public indecency behind a nearby tavern. Of the incident, a vulgar, chain-smoking triceratops had this to say:
Oh dear.
"They looked like they were tryina *bleep* climb each other! Sick, filthy, *bleep*, man! Who wanth to play with my hornth?! Bad ith good, baby! What? No, *bleep* YOU!"
When was THIS?
The entire ordeal was caught on video by an anonymous individual who mailed the footage to channel 3 news. He or she has not asked for any money.
Priceless.

 

by stabbo
9-02-03
Why do I have to deal with this jerk? It's not enough that he's allowed to urinate in the halls and smell everyone's butts.
You lookin at somethin, cheese-tits?
Excuse me?
I heard you had a baby shower this weekend. Congrats. You're gonna be a terrible mother.
At least I don't come to work on a rubber ball wearing smeily, green tights, you, you...canine office bastard!
Listen, you pencil-pushing crackwhore, I do more work around here than your mouth does on weekends...Can I have your number?

 

by stabbo
9-07-03
Hi dog-on-a-ball! My mommy told me not to talk to you but you're sooo cute!
Sweet, merciful man-crap you're ugly! Hello? Does anybody own this brown troll?
Today's "bring your kid to work" day!
Yeah, but the memo said nothing about melon-headed, garbage bag-wearing, vomit-inducing super-turds.
You're a mean little dog! I'm gonna tell my mommy!
Hey freak-show, I don't wanna offend you or anything but your mom's a popular gal here. She gets around like a record, you know what I mean? Can I have some candy?

 

by stabbo
10-23-03
(SIGH)
Lu? What are you doing in a waste basket?
Some prick just insulted me and questioned my existence. I fainted, then dragged myself into this apt metaphor for my life. I now dream of wearing his head as a hat.
Take it easy, man. He's my new assistant.
What? Bruce, how could you!? I'm here every DAY, spreading JOY. With the notable exception of this exact moment, I always present myself in a clean and professional manner.
You don't really work here. And he gave me a comic book.

 

by stabbo
10-23-03
Approximately forty-five minutes BEFORE Bruce found Lu in a waste basket...
Should I pop out from under Bruce's desk or his schoolbag?
Hi. Are you a dork? Were your mommy and daddy dorks? You probably named your dog Dork. Do you like being a dork? Bye, dork!
Ten minutes later...
Oh...
Twenty-five minutes later...
God...

 

by stabbo
11-02-03
Psst...hey, woman! You know that little prick everybody likes? I heard he uses company money to buy sex and favors! I think he mentioned killing his boss too. What's-her-face...
Is that right? And which boss would that be? There's more than one around here.
I don't know, some old, ugly slut who has no business in the T.V. industry... OH! Her name's Helen! He wants to kill Helen! It's true, woman. Bruce told me. I'm not a dork. Holla.
Bruce, I'm having trouble locating that little assistant of yours. Then again, this ugly, old slut can't even run a television station. Your thoughts?
I never said old, I said--oh, wait. OH. WAIT. HELEN. You look. Ravishing. Today. Umm, would you like to...get coffee ...later? Oh no. I have to use the restroom, excuse me.

 

by stabbo
11-18-03
I think I slept with my boss last night.
Really, how was she, I mean WHAT!? I thought you went out to dinner. Wasn't it your birthday?
I was so scared. It lasted for hours. HOURS...Why do you have your hands raised? Oh no, is she coming? Shh! Shh! No...
Whatever, I've got great news! Your little prick-assistant just got fired! Isn't that awesome? Come on, Bruce, give it to me. Tell me I'm the man.
...he was fired?...
Permanently. I pushed him in front of a bus! Happy Birthday!

 

by stabbo
11-19-03
So I says to Bill, I says:
You're nothin but an octo-PUSSY! Go hump a dolphin!
Hey-hey! Where you goin, Red? You didn't hear my awesome impression of the grizzly fishermen who killed Bill's mom: "Tonight we dine on fat, juicy octo-WHORE! YAR!"

 

by stabbo
11-20-03
See "Famous Last Words" 7/19/03
A kangaroo opened fire on my incredibly talented genitals a few months ago. The damage was irreparable so I was frozen, thus preserving my superb acting chops.
I'm gonna blow away your feet and work my way up.
So, we've come to finish the job, have we? Unstable, rifle-carrying rabbit, that's quite admirable. Whatever happened to my determined, marsupial killer?
He was fired for being late to work.
I hope my gruesome murder didn't have anything to do with his current unemployment. Would you like to say a few words before my tenacious genitals suffer more trauma?
Hasta la vista, baby.

 

by stabbo
11-23-03
Your comics have been pretty lame lately.
You gonna bust my chops today? Huh? I've been breaking my ass here for weeks. Sorry I can't put on a sideshow every time you show up in a waste basket.
Tell that to your comics. They're the ones that are suffering. Not to mention your manners and overall social skills.
Hey, there's that lipstick-wearing wolverine you call your boss. Has she invited you back to her place lately? You know, for a little...HUb-bah, HUb-bah.

 

by stabbo
11-23-03
Are you ma git-away horse?!
No, I'm not a horse, I'm your attorney. I helped you settle a case a few years ago...involving a little girl?
Which little girl you talkin bout?
The one you choked in the middle of a trial?
Trial? What trial, ya crazy horse?
The one where you bull-whipped the prosecutor right before you fired six rounds at the judge at close range, hitting nothing? Excuse me, I believe I need a drink.

 

by stabbo
11-26-03
Ms. Helen, you look wonderful this morning.
Drop dead.
Bruce, your co-workers say your creepy friend constantly makes obscene gestures and comments and won't let anybody use the waste basket.
He probably just wants a job. He really likes everyone here.
Drop dead.

 

by stabbo
11-28-03
I know nothing. Do your worst.
Could you at least tell me where I can locate a Mr. Terrence?
Oh hi, didn't see you there. Are you by chance the "vulgar, chain-smoking fellow" that witnessed my client's alleged public indecency?
Negative. And I don't smoke.

 

by stabbo
11-28-03
Your slut boss just made me acting president of all coffee room waste. So if you wanna fill your gi-normous frame with caffeine, you and your degenerate co-workers will have to go through me.
Lu, get out of my way. Don't make me hurt you.
Hurt me? I BUILT this place. In here, I'M GOD!
This isn't "The Matrix" and you're NOT the Train Man.
Your man-servant Bruce has grown beyond your control. You can't stop him...but I can.
I don't care if you want peace, I'm calling security!

 

by stabbo
11-29-03
Thanks for the coffee, my dude. You're not as creepy as everybody says...this tastes funny. I think...OH GOD.
"Lu" will suffice.
Me, me, me.
Me too.
Me like.

 

by stabbo
12-04-03
Darkness consumes the light...
Purpose.
It is purpose that drives us.
Without purpose, we would not exist.
We're not here because we're free; we're here because we're NOT free. I will soon take from the evil, purple demon what she tried to take from us.
I don't care if it's "inevitable," I'm calling security!

 

by stabbo
12-13-03
Ah, Bruce. Welcome back...we've MISSED you.
We? Except for all the copies you've drawn of yourself, I don't see anybody else in here, Agent Trash. Either way, this ends tonight.
At that exact moment, a janitor kills the lights, inadvertently sparking the final battle between man and man in a waste basket...
I'm going to enjoy watching you die.
Choke on your movie quotes! I know kung fu!
19 seconds later...
The war is over...who wants cake?
Me.

 

by stabbo
12-25-03
The cowboy's lawyer continues to build a defense for his client.
Hi! What's your name?
Why, hello little girl. My name is Leonard. I know your cowboy friend. I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Hee-hee. Mr. Cowboy put his boot spikes on my face one day--
--woops, terribly sorry, little girl, run along to your room, lock the door, and never come out.
(sigh) Can't put that on the stand.
I agree. My friend crushed her once. She has a fresh mouth. Here's that "strong tea" you asked for.

 

by stabbo
1-11-04
Lu, look! I just got this "cease and desist" letter from an attorney representing the creators of "The Matrix."
This is an actual legal document? They use the F-word 27 times...to describe our acting!
What I wanna know is, how do they know what we've been up to?
Oh my God! It says that The Matrix has us! And I've been sitting in a waste basket this whole time!
So the reality t.v. I've been watching isn't actually real?

 

by stabbo
1-14-04
After a week of tense negotiations, the Cowboy agrees to have Mr. Spikes cut a deal with the prosecution.
My client is willing to plead guilty for a reduced sentence.
Murder one. Fiery death.
For public indecency?!
I'm prepared to take this all the way to the Supreme --
-- take the deal.

 

by stabbo
1-17-04
So the cowboy got 6 months? That's rough. I know some cats in there that don't play by the rules if ya know what I mean. He's gotta be pissed.
The weak prosecution felt bad for Mr. Spikes, who desperately needed compensation for gambling debts and a newly aquired drinking habit. Thus, the leaner sentence.
"As for the cowboy, he may be upset now but he can handle himself. If not, he can take a dump in his hat."
Come closer.
But I know you were lookin forward to that fiery death sentence. Didn't you used to dream about it?
I used to write songs about it.

 

by stabbo
1-17-04
Mr. Dog-on-that-ball, it has come to my attention that you've been making crude and obscene remarks not only to my staff but to their children.
Yeah, well, you didn't witness the little, retard-mutant invasion of the past week.
But they're only children. Think of the CHILDREN.
I DID think of how drunk the parents must've been when these hellions were conceived. However, it's impossible to determine how many times they've been dropped as infants.
Mr. Dog-on-that-ball, I have no choice but to report this incident to my superiors. How they'll deal with you, I don't know.
No offense but what you don't know could fill a warehouse. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with your dead mother in a bathroom stall. Can I get a raise?

 

by stabbo
1-18-04
You wanted to see me?
Yeah...Listen, Grimmy, you know I've been under a lot of pressure to produce for our team...
Good heavens.
(ahem) yeah...but the guy upstairs -- he's cleaning up. He's getting all the good ones. I need someone I can depend on to bring home some hardcore scumbags.
Holy Moses, gimme another chance. I swear to GOD, I mean, Jesus, oh for Pete's Christ --
-- There's something else I've been meaning to talk to you about...

 

by stabbo
1-23-04
Hiya doin, young man? Where's Henry?
I just walked in.
Is he in the back?
If the answer to that question gets me away from you for a few minutes, I'll check.
Dave's senile and he's looking for you.
Me? He just sent me in here to look for YOU.

 

by stabbo
1-27-04
My stock is soaring. I'm hot, baby, I'm HOT! What about you, friend? Any stolen cash pumping through our great American money-making machine?
No. Can I have your order?
NO? Listen, chief, you have to start thinking about your future. You don't wanna work here until people like me decide to raise the minimum wage, do you?
I just opened a savings account. I got some serious bank now, man. If I had a girlfriend, she'd be all over me.
A savings account? No, no, no, what you need is a portfolio! Let me look out for your "bank," okay amigo? But first, I'll need a cheeseburger.
Wait here, man, I gotta take a shit.

 

by stabbo
4-13-04
Is there anything worse than a mandatory family gathering on Easter?
Try watching reality television that either deals with marriage, rich people, or both.
I can't believe my mom made a pass at my boyfriend. What could be more depressing?
What about your poetry? Linkin Park? William Hung? Your transcript? Help me out here.
I don't think I like it when my paperclips talk to me anymore. Why are you so agitated anyway?
VH1 programming and your face...I'm just kidding, it's the other way around.

 

by stabbo
4-28-04
So. Stripcreator has a new "obscenity filter." It apparently filters out the obscenity.
Small children could be exposed. And they might go out into the world and become obscene. Become shock-jocks. Rack up fines.
Soon, the fines will be too much and they'll have to file for bankruptcy. And apply for welfare...
Eventually, the unpaid tab will be picked up by taxpayers.
I love it when you finish my thoughts...
Your cock. My ass. A Sunday school class. Now.

 

by stabbo
5-12-04
I got big plans! I'm moving out of that "natural" coral reef stink-hole and into a dumped subway car super-condo!
That's terrific! I'm in a good mood too! My parents couldn't escape the fishermen's nets this morning but I did! I'm sure glad to be alive--
--Yeah, yeah, yeah, but a SUBWAY CAR! How lucky am I? I can't wait to show my friends! Not you, though, you're a little rude.
Please? I won't interrupt you again. I know I've been crying all morning but I promise I'll behave--
--Pipe down, will ya? I'm trying to think of where to put my TV.
I'm sorry, it's just that the gaping hole in my stomach is still bothering me.

 

by stabbo
5-26-04
George W. Bush Edition
Mr. President, are there or are there not weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
Saddam Hussein is a mad madman, a disturbed fella, he's not my kinda guy and he's mad and has the ability to conceive lots of super-horrifying, mad, evil-crazing, death-likeness, if you will.
Did you lead the U.S. to war relying on faulty intelligence?
Let me finish my point. I love dogs. So I'm saddened to hear of Spot's death. An autopsy is underway. Now, getting back to your question, I love intelligence and the CIA has a surplus of it--
--Mr. President, will the military ever capture the #1 suspect in the 9/11 terrorist attacks, Osama bin Laden?
You know what? Let's go to Mars.

 

by stabbo
7-03-04
Before you ask, no, I don't have any doughnuts. By the way, lemme know when you catch the punk who stole your neck.
Sir, I need to see your I.D.
Whatever you say, fatty. Just close your eyes and reach deep into my tights. Come on, don't be shy, I'll love ya.
Hands on your head.
Listen tubby, before you stick a plunger up my ass and break the handle, I need to know: How many juveniles did you have to blow to get your badge? Can you gimme a ride home?

 

by stabbo
9-27-04
RAARRG!!!
Lemme holla at ya, ghost-playa!
Listen, cracka, I need to occupy a few rooms tonight. Ma bitches are bringin' home some uptown sugar-daddies, ya feel me?
Boo?
Boo-ya is right! And do me a fava, take that white sheet and roll another fatty for this pimp-daddy, holla-holla!

 

by stabbo
7-03-05
Did you have a question for me?
I was curious: What does a clueless Aryan fellow such as yourself actually do around here?
Pardon me?
Word 'round the campfire is, if you had the chance to lick Hitler's ass your tongue would end up coming out of his mouth.
I get coffee for all the top executives. I really don't think you're allowed to talk to me that way.
No need to get snippy, you pasty brown-noser. Just stay away from my tender bottom. Is that shame in your briefcase? Can you give me a recommendation?

 

by stabbo
10-09-05
Delivery.
I didn't order anything.
You have a delivery.
What is it?
I'm hoping it's something you'll find devastating, such as divorce papers or a jury summons. Sir.
I'm a woman.

 

by stabbo
9-23-06
Delivery.
May I sign for it in blood?
Absolutely.

 

by stabbo
10-22-06
Ladies and gentleman, we've just received word that most of Los Angeles has been completely destroyed.
We're standing by live with a robot calling himself "Baba Booey" who is claiming responsibility. Sir? Can you hear me?
Behold the power of the Howard Stern Super Fart Bomb! Subscribe to Sirius! Save yourselves! F Jackie!

 

by stabbo
10-29-06
Delivery.
I believe you insulted my wife the other day.
Delivery.
I believe you owe her an apology. Unless you'd like me to report you to your superiors?
Superiors? You mean the evil buffoons that send me out to foul-smelling backwater shacks like these?
......Yes.

 

by stabbo
10-29-06
What's goin' on up there?
Rodney's giving the new guy the riot act. When did he show up anyway?
Couple hours ago. He's dead already but he still has that terrified look in his eyes. Rodney loves that. I'm serious, he'll stay here all night.
Look at ya. Ya even look like a snitch. Who's stupid now? Look at me when I'm talking to you!

 

by stabbo
1-29-11
-- so I says to Willy, I says --
Hey you! Smokin goat!
Sweet merciful crap.
You seen my horse? And don't you gimme no backtalk!
Thought you should know, the cowboy's out and he's -- You're wearing your hat -- which means you already know.
I had a dream that a pile of tobacco was chewing ME.

 

by stabbo
2-19-11
This season on "Jurassic Follies..."
I smell aggressive stupidity. And beans.
Deal me in boys! And throw me some whores!
I'm out of tea.
Did you just stab me?
There's wrong, there's wrong, and then there's THIS.
Let's just set this place on fire.

 

by stabbo
7-17-17
Actually, they told me you and I are the unfortunate victims of "corporate restructuring."
They mentioned me? I don't even work here. Anyway, you should of slept your way to the top like I told you.
Well it's too late now.
The hell it is! You march right back into your office and bend that 15-year-old intern over your desk, stat! Give 'em hell, Bruce!
I don't think that's legal -- why do you have a hammer and nails?
I'm gonna help you. There's no "I" in double-team.

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