All comics by towie

 

by towie
6-07-06
Got a letter from the government the other day...
I opened and read it, it said they were suckers...
They've even misspelled 'suckers'.

 

by towie
6-07-06
Pirate Kevin's nineteenth attempt to declare his love to Frederic the bunny man...
Euh so... Ehm.
What I wanted eh, so... Do you, eh. You know, the world is a wondrous place and...
That's our Kevin!
Yes...?
Would you like to come and see knife fighting retards with me?

 

by towie
6-07-06
So you're the new dearest of my daughter, eh?
Yeah, I shove it into that bitch on a regular base, old dude.
At least this one's not black.

 

by towie
6-07-06
And now a bit of advice from our friend Gustav the axe murdering loon.
Work at night. Be silent.
Be fast. Be precise. Be prepared for blood and screams.
And go to the goddamn little boys room before you go out to massacre a significant number of innocents.
Sorry G. A man's gotta go when a man's gotta go.

 

by towie
6-07-06
Peter's a big cuddly fellow.
'llo ladies. My name is Peter, I'm 27 and IT technician at a big company.
He likes basketball, gardening and indie rock music from the nineties.
I'm looking for that special someone. A dame to spend my evenings with. Long walks, movies, the lot.
His pancakes are exquisite.
I weep when I cum.

 

by towie
6-07-06
Open mic night.
My next poem is one I'd like to call 'Springtime in New England' and it goes a little something like this.
Line?

 

This guy will slice off your eyelids whenever he sees the chance. (Here pictured during his honymoon in Nebraska - Not on the photograph: misses Satanist Serial Rapist)
by towie, 6-07-06

 

by towie
6-07-06
About 7 minutes of tremendous sex and just over 4 minutes of washing up later.
May I ask you why you are in your line of profession, munchkin?
Paul, ever the gentleman!
My children medication. They very sick.
O, then allow me to offer you the extra 18 cents I come to find in my pocket. You're worth it!

 

by towie
6-07-06
What have I done to deserve this?
That'll learn you to look at me like that, you cross-eyed twit!
NOT THE EYES!!!! AAAAAAAH!
Oh yeah...Huh huh. Almost forgot about that.

 

by towie
6-08-06
Thus we conclude our journey through the female reproductive organs. Any questions, class?
Whats that 'clitornus' for, mister Oxtail?
Aerodynamics, young Spencer, aerodynamics.

 

by towie
6-08-06
Ooooh... My head. Where am I?
Must fiend rifle. Then eat carrot. Then shoot at random passers-by.
Are mooh alright mister Mooh, sir?
Is this the road to the chip shop, guvnor?
It's official folks, i shouldn't have drunk of that musky puddle the rat trap was floating in.

 

Three deceiding seconds in the career of Father Grimsworn
... As you probably all will know, members of my beloved parish, was the lord himself a confirmed MILF-man ...
by towie, 6-08-06

 

by towie
6-08-06
Speaking to us is Bengt Olsnemur, President of the Norwegian Vikings Trade Union.
Life's hard being a viking.
The media are all about plundering this and raping that, pillage a town and screw the head of a nun.
But about the paperwork and the irregular woking hours: not a word!

 

by towie
6-08-06
I'm glad we've had this conversation, Gerald. There is nothing more important in a man's life than a good bond with his son.
In spite of that, you are a sick, sick, sick boy. Your feelings and behaviour are by no means normal and even less hygienic.
It's probably your fault your mother's got cancer too.

 

Rooster Leo tells us today the third oldest joke known to poultry today.
Why did the comedian cross the road?
by towie, 6-11-06

 

by towie
6-11-06
Quarter finals today of the World Championships Boring Each Other While Dressed Up Ridiculous in Bremen, Germany, the dullest country in the world.
Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King inspire me more each day.
You're watching Peter Dunsmith from Scotland versus Hans Dillerstad, representing Denmark.
I dzon't believe in a God, but I believe there is somtzing.
Look at them go!
I like the Goo Goo Dolls.

 

by towie
6-11-06
Welcome to 'Jabbering Away About Philosophy'.
Today we talk about the life and works of one of the best known and most influential contemporary philosophers. I'd like a big round of applause for one of my personal heroes.
Of course you all know who I'm talking about! Bruce Redward, the loudmouth wino who lives in the bus shelter and claims to be Plato.
It's an honour to be here, Ted.

 

by towie
6-11-06
Hello Bob, what can I do for you?
A bucket of mosquito larvae, please.
Going fishing?
No, got the kids this weekend. Don't really know what else to feed 'm.
You know what, I'll throw some mealworms in it. On the house!
Thanks. And while you're at it get me that cockroach that's devouring your sandwich. A lot of meat on it, I reckon.

 

by towie
6-15-06
'Aaaaah!... My eyelids! The blood... The blood!'
Oh, look at that one!
That's gotta hurt in the morning!
'It's all in shreds! It's one bloody mess.' -'For the love of God, please kill me!'
He ain't pretty no more!
Dou you think his mama still recognised him after this one?
'You're watching "Gay Porn Bloopers"!'
We sure are!

 

by towie
6-24-06
Bob Sparrow, door-to-door salesman.
Good day sir. Do you ever wonder what a very sad retard yells at you when you poke him with a sharp stick?
As a matter of fact, sir, i often do.
What would you say if I told you that apart from that one the answers to all vital questions are printed in a single encyclopedia?
I'd rather know the answer to my own question. Do you sell sticks as well?

 

by towie
6-24-06
Me and my Rita couldn't help but overhear what you and our daughter were up to in her room last night.
My wife asked me to tell you you're dead if you touch her again.
I on the other hand am still sporting wood.

 

by towie
6-26-06
People often ask me how tough it is to be a gnome.
It sure is difficult from time to time, but many little conveniences make up for it.
Standard size urinals are my people's drinking fountains.

 

by towie
6-26-06
I miss my childhood friend Bobby.
My parents say he was imaginary, but I know he was real. Oh, the crazy things we did together.
Like the time he told me to dig for gold in Grandma's eye sockets.

 

by towie
6-26-06
'Doctor Reaper came to class today to talk to us about hygiene.'
Okay, which one of you boys thinks he's smelling funny right now?
'Oh boy, did we have some fun.'
There is not a crust in the world that can beat the Soap Fairy. Not even yours, young Jeremy.
'The anecdote about the fourteen-year-old tampon was the funniest thing ever!'
No, Henry, you can't get gangreen from kissing your grandmother. Unless she's very, very old, of course.

 

by towie
6-27-06
'Mister Munross came to class today and we could all ask questions about his trip to Russia.'
An ocean of lazy, drunk assholes as far as my eyes could see.
''How's the weather in Russia?' I asked. And: 'What do people eat in Russia?''
Their breath smells like hobo piss, each and every last one of them stinks like they all suck off incontinent bums as a hobby.
'Now we all hate the Russians, just like mister Monross. Boy, do I hope they lose their next football game!'
Extremely expensive whores. You don't get a service that lives up to the price, not at all.

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