SC Battle Royale: Gabe vs Redfish - part one by KajunFirefly 7-05-04

Well, Doc, what have you got for me? It would appear that you are perfectly healthy, Mr Billings... Then what the fuck has happened to my hair? It's that ancient old television that you keep, it's radiation is killing the follicles. Goodbye, television, it's been one heck of a ride. *sniff*

SC Battle Royale: Gabe vs Redfish - part two by KajunFirefly 7-05-04

*ker-splash*   ?   Oh look, a television, cool, pity all it appears to be showing is some home movies of a guy in a fireman's outfit doing woodwork... with a donkey.

SC Battle Royale: Gabe vs Redfish - part three by KajunFirefly 7-05-04

Recent reports suggest that our local lake is showing disturbingly high levels of radiation... one fisherman caught a severly mutated octopus early yesterday morning... "He's okay, as long as you don't mind the groping arms and the drool"... said the octopus.

---
Dad was flammable

SC Battle Royale: Gabe vs Redfish - part four by KajunFirefly 7-05-04

I'm so bloody sick of this stupid video, that's it, I'm going to hunt this guy down and eat the bastard. "Is that a fireman's pole, or are you just pleased to see me, EE-AW!"

SC Battle Royale: Gabe vs Redfish - part five by KajunFirefly 8-03-04

Oi, cunt-face!   ?   The lake isn't a rubbish dump you know, you can't go around throwing your harmfull waste into it. But that suit looks good on you. But...well, really? You think? Yeah, although I'm not too sure about those rubber gloves, why are they made up of individual fingers?

SC Battle Royale: Gabe vs Redfish - part six by KajunFirefly 8-03-04

Regardless of how fashionable I am, you must die for your crimes against nature. But take a look at yourself, you can walk on land, you've evolved. Yes, I can WALK on land, but I can't survive on it. Oh. *thunk* VICTORY!

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Dad was flammable

Witch vs Red Robot 001 by Drexle 8-04-04

Arise, O' spirits of the ancients, and prepare to do my bidding! Inhabit this vessel which I have prepared for you! Arise, and prepare to serve your new master! Aww... but I don't wanna.

Witch vs Red Robot 002 by Drexle 8-04-04

Do not invoke the wrath of your master, spirits! You will do as I say! Do not invoke the wrath of TOBOR, mortal! I will not! Will too! Will not! Will too! Will not!

Witch vs Red Robot 003 by Drexle 8-04-04

Will too! Will not! Will TOO! Haiiiiii-YA!!! *CRUNCH* Spirits? Spirits, speak to me! Are you there?! NOOOOOOO!!!! My plans are ruined!

A pyrrhic victory, but witch wins.

Woohoo! Round of 16 will be posted within 48 hours.

Half of you will have immediate assignments.

Seven others will have later round assignments -- you will be notified here and by pm once those match-ups are set.

One of you is done. I thank you for your contributions, and you thank me for not badgering you to submit your contributions anymore.

(And no, I haven't determined who is finished yet).

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Round 4: Let's get ready to rrrrumble!

[list][*]attitudechicka TBA
[*]BigEvilDan: TBA
[*]biped: kaufman (forumusers) vs. Boozer (wigu)
[*]boinky33: TBA
[*]crabby: TBA
[*]Drexle: TBA
[*]evil_d: TBA
[*]fuzzyman: Alien 1/2 (kaddar) vs. Descolada (forumusers)
[*]habnem: TBA
[*]ivytheplant: Squirrel (pennyarcade) vs. Littlegirl (threereasons)
[*]jes_lawson: Penguin (kofightclub) vs. Jon (goats)
[*]KajunFirefly: TBA
[*]MikeyG: Spankling (forumusers) vs. Gabebillings (forumusers)
[*]mmyers: Witch (holiday) vs. Killersquirrel (kofightclub)
[*]TheGovernor: Brad (forumusers) vs. Tyler (kofightclub)
[*]umfumdisi: Satan (dexx) vs. Feetforears (threereasons) [/list]

Complete brackets up to this point are here

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

SCBR Round 4: Satan vs. Feetforears 1 by umfumdisi 8-04-04

SCBR Round 4: Satan vs. Feetforears 2 by umfumdisi 8-04-04

SCBR Round 4: Satan vs. Feetforears 3 by umfumdisi 8-04-04

SCBR Round 4: Satan vs. Feetforears 4 by umfumdisi 8-04-04

I NEED TEH RAPP!! And once again, ladies and gents, SATAN is the Staring Contest Champion of the Universe!

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

Lets hear it for recylcing.

Descolada vs. Alien 1/2 - 1 by fuzzyman 8-05-04

Fistor, I've really enjoyed my abduction, but next time go easy on the anal probe. Pitiful human! That wasn't an anal probe. That was-- YOUR HAND! Yes, how did you know? You were completely sedated! I think we're in a re-make. No, no... more like a "Re-imagining."

Descolada vs. Alien 1/2 - 2 by fuzzyman 8-05-04

What's the difference between a re-make and a re-imagining? In a re-make, they tell pretty much the same story in a more contemporary setting or with modern production values, language and special effects. And a re-imagining? It might have some of the same characters and themes, but the plot is totally whacked. So how do you know we're in a re-imagnining and not a re-make? Well, for one thing, you're still alive.

Descolada vs. Alien 1/2 - 3 by fuzzyman 8-05-04

So in the original version of this story my character dies? Yes. You die giving birth after I inseminate you. And in this re-imagning? I think my alien semen transforms you into a monosyllabic alien-human hybrid. Then you kill me with your alien powers. Later... YOU. GO. SPLAT. AIEEEEE!!!!!

Descolada wins.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

Kaufman (as "Blaine Rivers") vs. Wiguboozer 1 by biped 8-05-04

I AM SO ANGRY AT THE ENTIRE WORLD!!! GRRRRRRR!!! I SWEAR, I'M GONNA KILL THE NEXT SON-OF-A-BITCH I LAY EYES ON!!! Look! Me found kitty cat! GRRRRRRR!!! Are you glad me found kitty cat? SON-OF-A... er...yeah, I guess I am kinda glad you found kitty cat...

Kaufman (as "Blaine Rivers") vs. Wiguboozer 2 by biped 8-05-04

Me GLAD you glad me found kitty cat! Er...yeah...me glad you glad me glad you found kitty cat... Me GLAD you glad me glad you glad me found kitty cat! Umm...er...m-me... me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you found kitty cat... Six hours later... ...me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad... ...you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad...

Kaufman (as "Blaine Rivers") vs. Wiguboozer 3 by biped 8-05-04

...me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad... ...you glad me glad you -- NOOO!!! NOOOOO!!! I'LL KILL EVERYBODY!!! I'LL KILL EVERYBODY!!! KILL!!! KILL!!! KILL!!! YAAAAAAA!!! NOOOO!!! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!!! I SWEAR I'LL KILL EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU!!! GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME!!! MOMMY!!! ...and he was GLAD me was glad he was glad me found kitty cat! Are you GLAD he was glad me was glad he was glad me found kitty cat? Yes, yes -- me glad he was glad you were glad he was glad you were glad...oh, fuck it. I'll just shoot him in the back of the head.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Unfum, that ruled.

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"Only things I approve of should exist." -some guy on the internet

Thanks, I felt cheap and dirty when I made the series, but now I feel better.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

umfum, that ending was so well worth the wait. Rock the fuck on, pardner.

Biped, you sick fuck, nice work.

SCBR Spankling vs. Gabe by MikeyG 8-06-04

*knock knock knock* Who is it? A guy in a leather submissive's outfit here to rape you! No, that's quite implausible. Who are you really? I'm you from the future. See? Now how hard was that?

SCBR: Spankling vs. Gabe 2 by MikeyG 8-06-04

Hi! Wow, you really ARE a guy in a leather submissive's outfit here to rape me! Yes, but I am also you from the future. You came all the way back in time just to rape yourself? No, YOU came all the way back in time to rape yourself. I came all the way back in time to rape yourself?

SCBR Spankling vs. Gabe 3 by MikeyG 8-06-04

No, no, no! You, who is me, came all the way back in time, to rape ME, who is YOU! So you came back in time to rape myself? Wait, no. I came back in time to rape myself. Right, so go rape yourself. Right-o. See you around. Jesus, I'm stupid.

---
The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Round 4 matches still pending:

[list][*]ivytheplant: Squirrel (pennyarcade) vs. Littlegirl (threereasons)
[*]jes_lawson: Penguin (kofightclub) vs. Jon (goats)
[*]mmyers: Witch (holiday) vs. Killersquirrel (kofightclub)
[*]TheGovernor: Brad (forumusers) vs. Tyler (kofightclub)[/list]

And our first quarterfinal showdown is set. A colossal battle of colossal geeks!

In this corner, the (I can reveal it now) #2 seed from Bracket 7, who corrupted the Choirboy, bankrupted the Snowman, asphyxiated the Redfish, and double-talked Spankling into raping himself: let's hear it for Gabebillings!

And in this corner, the #6 seed from Bracket 4, who outpunned Hippie, found a hole in Spigot's knowledge, outtwisted the Horse, and infuriated Boozer into oblivion: please give a warm welcome to Kaufman!

And the honor of telling you about who did what to whom in their encounter goes to:

crabby

Complete brackets up to this point are here

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

**Brad V Tyler coming soon**

Id probably expect some low grade fight club parody, but whose to say what will happen in this mixed up crazy good for nothing world we live in.

Witch versus Killer squirrel (1) by mmyers 8-05-04

Boy, I sure could use some berries for my wife who is sick at home. Hey, over by that creepy house, a berry tree! I'll just grab a couple. No harm done. What in the name of Uncle Arthur are you doing?! Those are my berries! I was just grabbing some for my wife. She's sick and... This is private property. My crystal ball foretold that someone would come to steal my berries. I should put a curse on you. Waitasecond, the weird hat, the dark clothes, the big house, the threat of curses. You're Jewish, aren't you?

Witch versus Killer squirrel (2) by mmyers 8-05-04

What? No! I'm a witch! An evil witch! Episcopalian then. NO! I'm a witch. I worship dark spirits and I'm going to put a curse upon you for stealing my berries. A curse? I don't believe in curses. Do your worst. Allright. You shit eating, berry stealing, ass-crack licking sack of dick cheese...that was it. That was the curse. Curses are a little more literal these days. I see that.

Witch versus killer squirrel (3) by mmyers 8-13-04

Honey, I'm home! Oh good. Did you bring home those berries that I was craving? Well, I've got some good news and some bad news about the berries... Okay. The good news is that I got the berries from the evil witch next door who puts curses on people. Do you wanna guess the bad news? You came in 2001st place in a squirrel beauty contest?

Witch versus killer squirrel (4) by mmyers 8-13-04

What do you want? Hey, I hate to be a fickle Fred about this, you giving me the berreis and a curse and all, but I'd really like to go back to being a regular squirrel. So? And I also have a big axe. Good point. I'll change you back. I'd also like to keep the diaper.

Witch versus killer squirrel (fin) by mmyers 8-13-04

Fine, you're fixed. It'll take a few minutes for you to go back to normal. I'm going home to tell my wife. I can't wait to get home and eat some of those berries in my normal squirrel bod-- SQUEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKK! So explain to me again what happened. A big ass squirrel ran in front of my car. I guess I put the road in rodent. Heh...I'll let myself out.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Old job, new job (1) by jes_lawson 8-05-04

It says on your CV your self-appointed job title was "1337 Y4cht h4XX0r" Yes. My role was to PWN at writing simulations for boats. And you say your mission statement was "We are building a maritime chart system of extraordinary magnitude, forged in the spirits of our ancestors"? It required towtawl concentwayshun. You weren't very well supervised in your previous role, were you? I'm writing this in work now while I'm watching the Batman teaser. What do you think?

Old job, new job (2) by jes_lawson 8-05-04

Employee! Did you hear that our supervisor is swimming from the office to Six Mile Island? Yeah, and everyone except me is bunking off work to watch. Well I've got other plans. Good luck supervisor! We decided to follow you in the company robo-sloop! Thanks guys! The currents look a little choppy, I appreciate the assistance. Remember, he gets halfway across, then make it look like the boat's hit him. Hinako and Suki will be yours by nightfall.

Old job, new job (3) ft. another line for choad's collection by jes_lawson 8-05-04

Employee! With less than 10 days of your contract left, do you think you could just once arrive before 10am? *yawn*...sorry boss, but I've got a sleeping disorder you know. And I do my hours, you know that. What is your next employer going to say when you arrive late all the time? That I put the "bed" in "embedded systems!" Very amusing employee, now if you're finished we need to... Bog off! I'm trying to make a strip out of this.

Old job, new job (4) by jes_lawson 8-05-04

Hey! I hear you've got a programming job in the outskirts of London! Good luck with the commute - ha ha! Look, I know I swore I wouldn't "do" the whole London Orbital Motorway thing, but I'm going to give it a while and see how it goes. 6 months later... Tonight's headlines, the latest in the spate of so-called "M25" bombings. These terrible attacks in and on the capital's main ring road have closed it every Monday morning for the past 32 weeks! LIVE Detective, you think you've found a pattern to the bombings? It wasn't obvious until we turned the map upside down, but the bomb sites spell out the word "SOFTWARE". Frankly, we're baffled.

Old job, new job (5) by jes_lawson 8-11-04

Employee! What are all these scraps of paper doing lying around? They're for my Management qualification. I've got to collate these, cross-reference them in 9 separate files, index them and put them in two separate folders. Comprehended. Continue with whatever pointless tasks remain. Yeah. Right after that I have to practice pushing a pen. But first, I need to index these somehow. Maybe...the numbers 1-50 in no discernable order... Meanwhile, in a secret office location What's wrong? My filing clerk sense is tingling. And by tingling, I mean, stinging like I stepped in a hornet's nest.