Two birds with one stone!

The Full Monty Python and the Holy Grail by kaufman 8-07-01

Bonjour. We are Knights of the Round Table in search of the Holy Grail. Would you like to join us in our Holy Quest? I'm afraid not. We've got one already, and you can not have it. I fart in your general direction! Could we have it if we were to dance and do a complete striptease for you? Well, then in that case, of course you can have our Grail. Okay, boys, start the music!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

How did we forget this one?

Bill & Ted in three panels by kaufman 8-14-01

Whoa! If we don't ace the history final, my dad will send me off to military school, and we'll never be able to start a band. Bogus! Use this phone to go back in time, so you can finish your history report. The future needs you to form your band! At the project presentations ... And here's the most excellent of excellent dudes, Hay-soos of Nuhzarreth! I love San Dimas! Party on, dudes!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Dune, in 30 seconds... by Graehe 8-14-01

And you thought the movies cut a lot out... Bene Gesserit Reverend Mother Gaius Helen Mohiam Panoplia Prophetica Kwisatz Haderach Little Death Melange Orange Catholic Butlerian Jihad! But I love Leto and I had to give him a son! Wanna hear me do "The Voice" because THERE'S NO NEED TO FIGHT OVER ME so now I'll go live among the fremen and be their reverend mother. Later... I knew it was you 'cause I heard you approaching, and I know stuff like that since am Muad'Dib AND the Kwisatz Haderach & I can take the water of life n' stuff, Oh yeah, and my name is a killing word! Paul it's me Gurney Halleck and your mom betrayed the duke but NO it was really Yueh (Yueh Yueh a thousand deaths are not enough for Yueh) do you have the weirdling modules oh goody now we can fight. Finally... I'm the sister and I'll grow up to be evil because I'm a knowitall ever since my mom took the water of life while she was pregnant with me so you can call me an abomination! D'oh! I got to close to the girl and she scraped me with the gom jabbar so now I'm a dead floating fat man. I guess Paul gets to marry the princess even though he doesn't want to!

It was a little difficult with a character limit on the dialog...

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Graehe (graehe@meow.org) | Graehe's Comics | Go to hell

Gone in Sixty Seconds in three panels by evil_d 8-15-01

So, Memphis, now that you've been forced into one last wild night of grand theft auto on account of what a fuck-up I am, what are we going to do? We're gettin' the band back together. 'Specially that one chick. I don't know if she can steal any cars, but she's hot, and this film needs a lot of sex appeal to compensate for its crappy script. I must steal 50 cars in one night, and one just *has* to be a special one I call Eleanor. She's my "unicorn", because every time I try to steal her, something goes wrong. And I must put your white ass in jail. I'm pissed 'cause I couldn't catch you before you retired, so you might say you're *my* unicorn. Surely one of us will be victorious, and the other disappointed. Well, who could have anticipated that this would all have an ambiguous, feelgood ending? You stole 50 cars and did a ton of property damage, but I'll let you go because you saved my life. I think. Thanks, sport. Now I'm off to a party where I'll get the girl and the car I've always wanted, and we'll celebrate something, I'm not sure what. Probably the end of this movie.

Don't think of it as me ruining the ending for you, think of it as me saving you from wasting two precious hours of your life.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Battlefield Earth in 3 panels... by wirthling 8-15-01

Pathetic man-animal! I am going to arm you with every bit of knowledge I can so that you can go mine gold for me! MWAHAHAHahaha hahaha ha ha heh They built a religion around the guy who wrote this mindless crap? Now, I'll turn on the learning machine and walk away, conveniently... Now I know everything the Psychlos know! I need to get to a military base so I can learn how to operate nuclear weapons and jet fighters! Shouldn't take more than a week, I figure. MWAHAHAHahaha hahaha ha ha heh... Oh crap. Maybe I shouldn't have assumed the man-animals were brainless, despite all evidence to the contrary. I just wiped out your whole race, you Jamaican Klingon bastard. I'm going to leave you alive, though, so we can make a super-crappy sequel...

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

I can do all that.

Take that you complicated silly mindbending movie!

And Rocky

"What dreams may come" in three parts by Matchy 9-06-01

Chris, you're dead, and you're in a trippy world created by your own imagination and paint. There's an illusion of your soulmate, run you fat fuck! Wooooooo!!! Oh fuck, my wife's dead and in hell, will you help me find her?!? Sure....... but there will be many plot complexities along the way...... Hey I'm your son, the chinese girl is your daughter and the guy who looks lieka corpse is your old doctor...And you've just awoken from a coma after saving your wife with the lamest speech ever given! Fuck it, I'm going for a wank!

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Signatures suck

I just saw the movie for the first time Tuesday. Afterwards I wasn't sure whether to drink milk or rape my cat.

Frankenstein in 3 panels by ObiJo 2-08-01

I love natural philosophy! I shall build a life! Build, Build, Build, all day long. Build, Build Build, while I sing this song. Oh, creator, one that made me! Even you can not stand to look at me! All humanity hates me! Build me a female companion or I will kill everything you love! Never!!! I shall never build another like you! The evil that you are would only be doubled with another! My creator is dead! I have killed everyone he loved, and he has chased me to the artic where he has died. He was the kindest of men, if only he could have been kind to his creation. Now I die too. Join us next week when Low Pass Theatre presents "How Stella got her Groove Back." It's funtastic!

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

Joft is to silly to post this here so I'll do it for him.

Lawrence of Arabia on obesity by joft 9-07-01

People in England are fat You're not fat? No... I'm just... Different.

Yellow Submarine in 3 Panels by kaufman 9-07-01

Shall we go out and destroy Pepperland? NO, your blueness! Can you help? The Blue Meanies are coming! Of course we can. We're Beatles. We'll just sail off in that sub of yours back to Pepperland, and save the day. Meanwhile, we've got a whole bunch of groovy animation and songs to play, so you viewers just sit back, get wasted, and enjoy the show.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

If you haven't suffered through this one, here's what you missed.

Glen or Glenda: The Graphic Novel by kaufman 9-07-01

Honey, could I wear your sweater? You've been wearing it already, haven't you? I thought it felt stretched! Bevare of the big green dragon who sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys. Puppy dog tails. Beeg fat snails. Bevare! Take care, bevare! I don't really understand why it turns you on so. But if it will save our marriage, of course you can wear it. Thanks, honey.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

lock, stock and two smoking barrels in three frames. by apejuice 9-07-01

. . . so anyway, i get us involved in a series of unlikely scrapes with real villains like lenny mclean, vinnie jones and the kid from press gang. what, despite the fact that we look more like a gang of middle class students than east end wide boys? don't you worry about that, they'll swallow it alright. and there are gonna be scenes where we're having a proper laugh like lads do. in pubs and all that. i hope they shoot some of it at double speed and play a cack fatboy slim tune so we look dead mashed. can we be drinking tequila? yeah. oh and there are gonna be loads of old cars, cool ones like in the sweeney. and we all wear sharp gangster suits. like in get carter, only prettier. hold on. don't real gangsters wear tracksuits and drive lexuses? i'm not sure about this. it sounds a bit shit.

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I LIVE!

Pull de strings! Pull de strings! *stock footage*
I hope you are not suggesting this film is anything other than a classic. *stern look*

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This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

it's a classic pile of shite. though i suspect you are taking the piss, dexx!

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I LIVE!

I made this the other night while inebriated. I hadn't seen Kaufman's strip first, honest!

Ken and Iain's Bogus Journey by andydougan 9-05-01

I'm stoned and pished, so please excuse this strip. Ken Clarke Esquire! Dude! George Iain Duncan Smith! Only the winner can go back in time! Sadly, it looks like that'll be you. The usual thoughtful, on-the-mark satire will resume presently. Like, those two idiots running for the Tory leadership aren't really us! They're evil robot uses! Mr. Corleone is a man who insists on hearing bad news immediately. Oops, wrong film. You've sunk my battleship! Excuse me, Death, but, uh, your shoelaces are untied. MOHH!

That's Ken Clarke and Iain Duncan Smith, Conservative Party leadership election fans.

Titanic in 3 panels... by wirthling 9-07-01

Jack, I love you, even if you do look like a girl. I'm king of the world! Oh drat! Our ship is sinking and Billy Zane is chewing up the scenery beyond all belief! And worse still, my Jack has drowned! Um, I'm not dead yet, Rose. At least I still have this big honkin' sapphire! Bitch.

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

Nope, no piss being taken. I love the film, one of my all-time favourites.

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This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

No, baby, no! by ladyjdotnet 9-07-01

Austin Powers Eight! Scene twelve! Take fourteen! Like dad, I'm 43 years old. Let me live my own life already! I'm a very successful record producer. An eeeeeevil record producer? If you don't knock off that pathetic, autistic behavior, I'm going to stick your ass in a nursing home! An eeeeeevil nursing home?

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I am a delicate fucking flower. https://beacons.ai/jesskent

I did a Titanic here too, shortly after I arrived, although it was more of a parody that a 3-panel rehash:

If TITANIC were written by a Jewish mother by kaufman 5-16-01

Oh no, Rose, I think the ship just hit an iceberg! I don't care, Jack. You can't go in the water without putting on a sweater. It's freezing. You'll catch cold! And you can't go in for an hour anyway. You just ate! But does the putz listen? Of course not!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Lawrence of New Jersey by joft 9-07-01

Why do you like the desert? Because... it's clean ... Two weeks later, at home...

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- joft

kaufman whats wrong with you??? you should do this-

2001: A Race Odyssey by kaufman 7-03-01

Black Monolith in sight, sir. 42 kilometers and closing. Thanks, HAL, I'll check it out. Who are you? Who do you think? Due to the limited set of stripcreator characters, I get to play the Black Monolith, or as I prefer it, the Monolith of Color, or at least the African-American Monolith. My god, it's full of sass! And don't you forget it!

now that was funny

I just watched "Memento." Don't worry about me spoiling the ending. I have no idea what the hell happened.

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

You watched the part after all the ending credits rolled right?

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

You mean the part where Leonard gets "Fact: ObiJo is a colossal geek" tattooed on his ass?

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."