CC 274: The Demanding Diner by kaufman 2-07-05

Here you go, sir. A large order of mashed potatoes. Could you take them back and mash them some more, please? I prefer mine a bit less lumpy.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Green-eyed monster by andydougan 2-07-05

GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! Sigh...that singer is so dreamy. And funny, too. Bah. Chicks never find it funny when I say "gay". What's he got that I don't? Do you want me to take your feelings into consideration when answering that? Too late.

Johnnie Wanker by andydougan 2-07-05

Yeah, I'll have a Scotch, please. So you like drinking Scotch, eh? Well, baby, today's your lucky day! Shut up and go away. Right. Oh, wait! I get it! "Scotch"!

Ripped off from not_Scyess ripping off Stephan Pastis by andydougan 2-07-05

If you could meet one person, living or dead, who would you choose? The living one. You must think I'm pretty stupid.

Inane Conversations #69 by andydougan 2-07-05

That was a pretty good comic. Yeah. Even if it wasn't entirely original. Shame you can't go back in time and claim that joke as your own. Whoever invents the first time machine will surely be the funniest person in the world. If God farts and I ever get syndicated, and I get to write a book with a foreword, I'm going to ask them to reprint some comics I wish I'd made. And that will be in it. It might be easier to include comics you wish you hadn't made.

Inane Conversations #70 by andydougan 2-07-05

Hey, we've not spoken to Mathew in years. Why don't you phone him up and arrange for us to meet? No! Why don't you? Because I want to go and play Tiger Woods 2005. Bah. Trust you to have a watertight excuse. Hi, Mathew? STOP FUCKING PHONING ME!!!

Forbidden Love by MikeyG 2-07-05

I've never been happier, Mr. Bowl! I feel the same way, Steve! Since we declared our love for each other, I feel like a free man! So, Mr. Free Man, what do you want to do for Valentine's Day? Eh? Wink, wink! I was thinking I'd shit in you. *that's my fetish*

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Considering that 'Exit' is the #1 top rated comic on the site, it'll be interesting if it doesn't win.

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"Only things I approve of should exist." -some guy on the internet

You obviously didn't read the rules. The winner of the competition is the person who can make the most funny comics, not the person who makes the funniest individual comic.

Rantin' and Ravin': Yep. by 80_Million_Fleas 2-07-05

Hey! That's a cool outfit... but Halloween is over, asshole. *click* *click* My Beans! Dear God, why did you chop of my beans?!

RnR: Robo-Beans. Robo-Franks. by 80_Million_Fleas 2-08-05

Cute. ... But you can't trick me. I can still see that you're human! *click* *click* Oww! My Beans! My Robo... Wait. I have no beans. ...and where did you get all that blood?!

RnR: Ooooow. by 80_Million_Fleas 2-08-05

So, you've came back for me, eh? To finsh me off?! Not this time, asshole! *click* *click* OWwww! Did you have to chop off my wing-dang-doodle too?

RnR: Payback is a Senor El Bitchface by 80_Million_Fleas 2-08-05

Hah! I found you! Looks like it's payback time, Senor El Bitchface! *click* *click* .... Did you really think taking off my mask would do something? I just lost my cock and balls!!! Do you EXPECT me to be thinking clearly?!

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RnR: COPY CAT I AM. by 80_Million_Fleas 2-08-05

Oh, Snap! I got the squirts!! I don't think I could make it in time... What that?! Someone needs my help! Superbowl.... AWAY!!! .... Gaddamnit. Who bolted me to the floor?

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Shame on Us for All We Have Done. May God Have Mercy on Our Dirty Little Hearts.

Rantin n' Ravin': Slowly... ...loosing... creativity... by 80_Million_Fleas 2-07-05

Ahh! It's Goatzilla!

Rantin' and Ravin': ...There it goes. No more funny. by 80_Million_Fleas 2-07-05

You know, it's times like this I miss my home, beautiful sweet Earth. We've been in space for so long, looking at all the planets in and out of our system. I think it's just time that we return. ... Holy Hell! You can talk!

Rantin' and Ravin': Script Creators... KLANS MEN?! by 80_Million_Fleas 2-07-05

Kaddar's Blue has 7+ Posses. Russ, Blonde, Gabe and others have 4. I'm bored. I wish I could do something. I wish I could skimp down to my skimpies. Black Charaters: No Action Posses what so ever! Damn! You got big boobs. I have big boobs. This March, vote YES on more posses. I'se be's a stereotype. ... at least my beans won't get chopped off like that guy in that one strip.

RnR: Strip Creators... KLANS MEN?! *redone* by 80_Million_Fleas 2-08-05

Kaddar's Blue has 7+ posses. Evil, Blonde, Gabe, Russ and many others have 4. You know what's weird? This little thing ----> | ... What the fuck is | used for anyway? Would you like a glass of water \~/? African Americans: NO ACTION POSSES. Ha Ha! I can do THIS with my arm AND play computer AND skimp down to my skimpies. I wish I could blink. Vote "No" on giving more action posses to Blacks. Sponsored by the Movement to Give the Only Two Asians Action Posses. ....and viewers like you!

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Shame on Us for All We Have Done. May God Have Mercy on Our Dirty Little Hearts.

RnR: Three Seperate Comics. by 80_Million_Fleas 2-08-05

That's insane! I'm a babe magnet. The only way YOU'LL ever get laid is crawl back into that shell you hatched out of! I maybe a virgin, but at least I don't have sex with kids! I'm telling you! It was THIS BIG. No... It was this big. I saw the same damn thing, Senor. What? I though you into that safe sex crap. Not THAT much Luke. If I wanted me on metal action, I'd fuck a toaster.

RnR: Butter Butter Butter Butter Butter Butter Butter Butter by 80_Million_Fleas 2-08-05

But ya. I was all like, "You better not do a damn thing to me, skumbag!" and before he could lay a finger on my udder, I kicked him in the head. I still hear he's in the hopsital! Pretty cool, huh? Moo. ... You're no fun to talk to.

RnR: My House has a front door AND a back door. by 80_Million_Fleas 2-08-05

Hey! Aren't you that guy that used to be on Word? Yes. Yes I am. Aren't you the guy that shuts the fuck up and fills my fucking order?! ... No, but I did play a bit role in "10,000 Explostions and a Supernova". .... God, you're annoying.

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Shame on Us for All We Have Done. May God Have Mercy on Our Dirty Little Hearts.

First "The Passion", Now Another Religious Hit by kaufman 2-08-05

Oh my god! I found him dead on the chapel floor. What should we do? We can carry him around propped up for a while. It's not likely anyone will notice. Coming this summer: Mirimax Films presents WEEKEND AT JP'S Look, up in the window, there he is! Did he bless us? I think so!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC 274: Fjord for Thought by kaufman 2-08-05

Meet Jim. Jim is not afflicted with Norwegian Laughing Sickness.

Harry the Hydrogen Atom Reads a Book by kaufman 2-08-05

Harry, you might like to borrow this book, "The Power of Positive Thinking," by Norman Vincent Peale. Several hundred pages later ... He's right. That was an interesting book. I'll have to try it.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

The Perverted Plumber by smamurai 2-08-05

You did a really good job mister. My pipes are not leaking anymore. So you like the caulk? Definitely You should touch my caulk later to check if it starts dripping. I'll do that. Thanks a lot mister. Caulk, caulk caulkity caulk. CAWWWWWWLKSAH!

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

Crazy, but I'm told it's true.

Life in The House: The First Priority by quodlibet 2-08-05

1934: Student council at local university votes to ban all fraternities, thus threatening the very existence of The House and its members. We need an emergency meeting of all house members. Man, the situation is desperate. No, worse: dire. The students will be banned from varsity sports unless The House is dissolved; tomorrow they will be called to testify before the student council. This decision has weighed heavily upon us for some time. Upright, or grand? Three hours of intense discussion later So, that's settled. We need a piano in this grand old house! Oh, which reminds me. What about legal aid for tomorrow?

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If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

scyess is a heterophobic ambisextrous by smamurai 2-08-05

I told my doctor I smoke about 100 a day So he says Son, why don't you give it up for Lent? So I starts stamping my feet, clapping my hands, running round the room and shouting.. WOOHOO! GO LENT!! Then I just about coughed up a lung. I don't know what the fuck that fucking quack was thinking of.

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

Have a Drink on Your Old Man by smamurai 2-08-05

You're having a hard time adjusting to your fathers death aren't you? Frankly mom, I am freaking out. But son you know he will always be here in spirit. That's whats freaking me. First of all you preserve him in a gigantic bottle of tequilla and then you go and leave him at the bottom of my bed. I feel like I can't wank in my own room anymore.

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

Mark, the Good Waiter Gone Bad by MikeyG 2-08-05

Mark, I heard you got fired! What the fuck happened? I got a customer's order wrong. What? But that happens to everyone! Yeah, but instead of "Steak, medium-rare with green beans and mashed potatoes" I gave him "A Picture of me fucking his wife while his kids watched".

Mark, the Good Waiter Gone Bad 2 by MikeyG 2-08-05

Yo, Mark! Heard you got fired! Yeah, I slipped and fell crossing the promenade. They can't fire you over that! I had been swinging butt-naked and covered in honey from the ceiling.

Mark, the Good Waiter Gone Bad 3 by MikeyG 2-08-05

Mark! I heard you got fired! Yeah, my till was short like thirty-five bucks. Did you steal it? No, that's what they couldn't find after I threw it against the wall.

Mark, the Good Waiter Gone Bad 4 by MikeyG 2-08-05

Yo, Mark! Is it true you got fired for taking a shit on the high chair a customer requested for his kid? No, man. Oh. I only got it on the kid.

Mark, the Good Waiter Gone Bad - Fin by MikeyG 2-08-05

Mark, I heard you got fired for jerking off onto some lady's chicken-fried steak! Nah. So then what happened? I quit.