Bless you.

---
Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Kangaroo vs. Squirrel 1 by habnem 9-06-03

So, it's our turn to fight to the death in the SC Battle Royal. Yeah. I've been thinking about it, and I wanna shoot you for it. Shoot me for it?! That's not fair! That's not what I meant, feeble-minded one. I want to engage you in the sport of kings... We're gonna horse race for it? No, idiot. Paper-rock-scissors.

Kangaroo vs. Squirrel 2 by habnem 9-06-03

All right. I'm ready when you are. Away we go, then. 1... 2... 3... PAPER! 1... 2... 3... PAPER! 1... 2... 3... SCISSORS! 1... 2... 3... SCISSORS!

Kangaroo vs. Squirrel 3 by habnem 9-06-03

Damn! Again! 1... 2... 3... ROCK! 1... 2... 3... SCISSORS! Ah ha! I am teh winner! Drat. It would appear I have lost.

Kangaroo vs. Squirrel 4 by habnem 9-06-03

It would, indeed, appear that you have lost. Now give me the gun so I can finish you off with dignity. I can't do that. You rogue! Scoundrel! Give me the gun! No, I'm not trying to weasel out. It's just the way we're drawn. I have a gun; you don't. Sucks being you. Ah. I was afraid you would resist. I guess I'll have to call in my cousin. Cousin? This doesn't sound good.

Kangaroo vs. Squirrel 5 by habnem 9-06-03

Raaaaaaa-ha-haaaarr! Me Eddie the Killer Squirrel! Me dimwitted, but me have axe? An axe? Tell me you're kidding. *BANG!!!* Haaaaar. Now me dimwitted and dead. Rock beats scissors, scissors beats paper... Uzi beats hatchet.

[Click to view comic: 'Click here for another surprise ending.']

---
- christ@myself.com - fuck a cat, kill yourself - my alter ego has five stars

Jamalia vs. Bull - 1 by fuzzyman 9-07-03

So, we are to battle. This will be interesting! Look... Jamalia, baby... If you surrender now I'll try to make it as painless as possible. You act as if I don't have a chance. Please. I have big horns and hard hooves. I could gore or trample you in the blink of an eye. You surely could... if you could bring yourself to stop staring at my heaving breasts. Hey, for someone with only two udders, you've got quite a set.

Jamalia vs. Bull - 2 by fuzzyman 9-07-03

Enough of this banter. I shall destroy you! Wait a second. I can make this simple. Kaddar created your character, right? Exactly. And I'm a Fuzzyman character. And who's creating this comic strip? Fuzzy-- HEY! THAT'S NOT FAIR! Go cry in Kaufman's beer.

Jamalia vs. Bull - 3 by fuzzyman 9-07-03

Take it away, Fuzzyman! No, you can't do this! It's not fair! Hee! Hee! Hee! It's not faaiiirr---* Thanks, Fuzzyman! How can I ever repay you? Just continue to use the power of your breasts for the forces of Good.

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

The Greatest Sporting Event in the World #1 by TheGovernor 9-03-03

Welcome Sports fans from around the world to what is surely going to be the greatest match-up in sporting history.. That’s right Carl, tonight we have two legends of the field squaring off against each other for the first time in their competitive careers, its certainly has all the makings of a potential classic Thanks Joe, that's right viewers tonights showdown between Helmut J McMiggins and Darwin "The Dil" Johnson will be the first time they've met each other in the ring, Why is this Joe? Well Carl as reigning World RPS Champion; Helmut McMiggins has been tied to whomever the RPS governing body decide should have a crack at the title, and young Dil has certainly earned his shot.. Thats right, his record speaks for itself, 22 wins, 0 defeats since turning pro. He's certainly silenced a lot of his critics who didnt feel he would make it at top level in the sport Yes its an amazing run, earning him the number one contenders spot. He's beaten some of the games seasoned veterans like Sparky Dougal and ex-WRPS champion Vic Spunge on his way up to this match..

The Greatest Sporting Event in the World #2 by TheGovernor 9-03-03

..Yes The Dil versus Vic Spunge was an excellent match and a great advertisement for the sport, and is why this RPS match has been picked up on Pay-per-View by 2 billion people in over 100 countries. ..And it was shortly after the match that Vic announced his retirement from the sport. We sent our correspondent Jack Frood for an exclusive first interview since his retirement to find out why.. So Mr Spunge, after your match with The Dil, you told the world you were retiring, can I ask why you decided this was the time to leave? Well this is a very competitive sport, and you not only need to be at peak physical condition, but your mental game has to be perfect. I felt my game had slipped since I lost the RPS crown to Helmut Well thats true, after that epic battle with Helmut for the World Title, Vic didnt seem to be as motivated towards his fights. Rumour has it he cut his training schedule to just 4 weeks before matches Yes Carl and at top flight that simply isn't enough to maintain form. As we all know Professional RPS players can take up to 6 months of intensive training to get fully prepared for matches

The Greatest Sporting Event in the World #3 by TheGovernor 9-08-03

We'll shortly be bringing you live coverage of the bout, but first we have an important safety announcement. That’s right Carl, we'd like to remind our viewers that these are trained professionals in RPS and that viewers should not attempt to mimic what they see at home. Yes Joe, but what advice would you give to people who are interested in the sport and want to give it a go? Well Carl there are many authorised RPS clubs across the country where you can go to learn the sport under the supervision of experienced instructors. Yes, and I would like to say to those viewers who are keen to take the sport up that they ensure their club has been ratified by the RPS governing council. Absolutely Carl, safety is a key factor here and the RPS governing council help to ensure this by only authorising those clubs that can meet their rigorous standards

The Greatest Sporting Event in the World #4 by TheGovernor 9-08-03

Yes, we are just moments away from this epic bout between Helmut J McMiggans and Darwin "The Dil" Johnson, what are they fighting for tonight then Joe? Well Carl, along with the prestigious World RPS title there is an estimated prize pool of $45 million, with $30 million going to the winner tonight and $15 million to the loser. Some critics of the game argue that the sport has become too commercialised, with players getting excessive amounts of money in prizes and sponsorship deals what are your thoughts? Well Carl with increasing TV revenues it is true players agents demanded a larger cut of the money brought in by these events, but a lot more is pumped back into the grass roots of the sport. Yes Joe the RPS governing council have invested in improving the facilities at amateur clubs around the world indeed Darwin Johnson's rise through the sport can be attributed to this.. That’s right Carl, as an amateur player Darwin was one of the first to receive an RPS scholarship to assist him with his training, and the result is that he is now challenging for the World RPS crow

The Greatest Sporting Event in the World #5 by TheGovernor 9-08-03

Ok, We're ready to go over to New York's Madison Square Garden where a capacity crowd are about to witness sporting history in the making Yes, the competitors are in the Ring so we'll take you over there now... ..where the announcer is just beginning... Ladies and Gentlemen This match is for the World RPS title, In the Blue Corner; weighing in at 160 pounds 3 ounces I give you the current World RPS Champion HELMUT JESUS MCMIGGANS!! And in the Red Corner; the challenger, weighing in at just 70 pounds 4 ounces, currently unbeaten in 22 matches DARWIN "THE DIL" JOHNSON!!

The Greatest Sporting Event in the World #6 by TheGovernor 9-08-03

..They're squaring off to face each other.. ..The Bell has just rung and it begins.. Yes Carl; Helmut is giving Dil the legendary stare-off that has become such a big part of his game.. .. Dil doesn't look fazed by it, and is countering with the blank expression that threw many of his early opponents in his career..

The Greatest Sporting Event in the World #7 by TheGovernor 9-08-03

.. Helmuts almost hypnotic glare is relentless, but Dil is holding his own... NO WAIT.. ..Dil's flinched, his gaze has wandered, and Helmut looks firmly in control now, showing the sort of metal that made him champion.. .. Dil can still recover Joe, but Helmut can sense he has the upper hand now, although Dil is countering firmly, surely the end game can't be far off?..

The Greatest Sporting Event in the World #8 by TheGovernor 9-08-03

..The tension is building now, and the crowd have gone quiet in anticipation.. ..We've seen this look on Helmut before, and Dil is gesturing.. Yes Yes!, They are about to make their moves.... ..YES THERE IT IS, it’s all over!..The crowd are going wild.. A great move by the champ!.. Paper beats Rock, and Helmut McMiggans is still World Rock Paper Scissors Champion! *PAPER* *ROCK*

That clearly isn't a uzi. No kangaroo could handle an uzi anyway. It's an AK-47 type weapon the kangaroo has there.

Other than that, perfect.

Shutting up now.

---
Your mickey mouse kung fu is no match for my superior fighting style.

Dil was robbed! I demand a rematch!

SCBR, Round 1: Kid vs. LadyJ by evil_d 9-10-03

I don't know what you heard about me! But a bitch can't get a dollar out of me! No Cadillac, no perms, you can't see! That I'm a motherfucking P-I-M-P! Yeah! ...you understand why I have to kill you now, right? Aw, but mom...! No buts! ...alright....

I figure that writing any more would just be anticlimactic. I already wrote the fourth panel and no one understood me. Not that anyone understands me now. Anyway. You can see who wins. No twist ending here.

---
The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Somebody needs a poke in the tuchus.

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

Lizardsuit vs NeoVid by Drexle 9-21-03

Aaaah, time to check my e-mail... Windows must now restart because the remote procedure call (RPC) serviece termindated unexpectedly Buh?

Lizardsuit vs NeoVid by Drexle 9-21-03

Mwahahahaha!

My original ending had NeoVid getting arrested, but then it would be more like a tie, and I don't think we can do that... if we can, let me know and I'll write the original ending.

priest vs. zoe by boinky33 9-21-03

Hold it right there! Oh no! Please don't rape me! Please, you're at least 20 years too old for me......and you don't have a penis. I just wish to feast on your eye juice! Oh.

priest vs. zoe end by boinky33 9-21-03

Now hold still while I kill you! No means no! PEPPA SPRAY!!!! Ahhh!!!! My eyes! Hey! You ripped out my hair! Oh no, i'm having a heart attack!....*dies* I want some ice cream.

Kaufman versus the Hippie by TheGovernor 9-24-03

No more bloodshed in the Middle East! Hi, I like your protest, sort of reminds me of this girl I used to know.. In what way? Well she gave up a very profitable job working as a call-girl in New York in order to fulfill her dream of growing vegetables on a small farm in Arkansas Why does our protest remind you of her? She wanted to make Peas not Whore!

I was maybe going to do more but I figure this is a clear cut win for Kaufman anyway.

#:WIGU-Rab:rog 1 by crabby 9-25-03

So do you like my fluffy tail? I do! I do! Why don't you turn around so I can get a better view. My pleasure! You mind if I eat a carrot? Of course not! Actually I'd encourage it! Do you like my fluffy feet? I think we need to go to someplace more private.

#:WIGU-Rab:rog 2 by crabby 9-25-03

I bet you bring every rabbit who shows you their asshole behind this convenience shop. That's not true, baby! I love you! I even decided to call you plumface. My name is Lemonhead. Jesus! I look at your asshole once and it's like I signed a marriage certificate or something. Would you mind if I ate another carrot? Not at all. So..... same time next week?

#:WIGU-Rab:rog 3 by crabby 9-25-03

KEN!!!!!!! KEN!!!!!! What? I got another rabbit I need you to kill. Make it quick use a delightful pun and take it down hard. What? I think it's time for you to hop along! What? Oh. EGAD! A pun! I am dead.

Boorite vs. Demon - Part 1 by BigEvilDan 9-28-03

Hey, a twenty dollar bill just laying on the sidewalk. I wonder if I should take it? Take it! You deserve it. Who the hell are you? The name is boorite. Your conscience suffered a nervous breakdown, so I'm filling in.

Boorite vs. Demon - Part 2 by BigEvilDan 9-28-03

Come on, take it. Buy something nice. Hmm... No, leave it there. Or if you must, give it to the poor. The poor? What have they done to deserve it? He's got a point. I worked hard for this money. Hookers are poor.

Boorite vs. Demon - Part 3 by BigEvilDan 9-28-03

Wait... a hooker? That's my bit! So you're saying that by getting a hooker, I'd be helping her out. And presumably showing her a good time. Don't listen to him, man. You're not that great in bed. Wait, I mean-- Wow, you're so much cooler than my old conscience. Glad to be of service.

Winner: Boorite
Loser: Probably the hooker

---
"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

I have almost returned, so I'll pull my finger out soon.

---
Dad was flammable

I'm lost in the sauce again. Who still owes which series?

---
"You'll burn for this. Burn in jail!"

Here's the current laundry list. I've done the draw for the rest of Round 1, and been in touch with some of you who are behind. Once I get a few more replies, I'll post the new draw. Right now, 34 of the 48 posted matches have beem completed.

[list][*]andydougan: Arabian (kaddar) vs. Kajun (forumusers)
-and- Holly (kofightclub) vs. Triceratops (submitted)
[*]Big Evil Dan: up-to-date
[*]boinky33: up-to-date
[*]boorite: Jon (goats) vs. Pimp (dexx)
-and- Elephant (dexx) vs. Lara7 (forumusers)
[*]crabby: up-to-date
[*]Drexle: Deer (holiday) vs. Killersquirrel (kofightclub)
[*]evil_d: up-to-date
[*]fuzzyman: up-to-date
[*]habnem: up-to-date
[*]itsclark: Bobby (submitted) vs. Sharkman (submitted)
-and- Donkey (wigu) vs. Hadrosaur (submitted)[*]KajunFirefly: Duck (kaddar) vs. Zombie (holiday)
[*]kramer_vs_kramer: Wirthling (forumusers) vs. Red (kaddar)
[*]mmyers: Cowboy (threereasons) vs. Clappy (dexx)
[*]Scyess: Brad (forumusers) vs. Pumpkin (holiday)
-and- Matthew (forumusers) vs. Penguin (kofightclub)
-and- Dragonxero (forumusers) vs. Witch (holiday)
[*]TheGovernor: Littlegirl (threereasons) vs. Sickobunny (dexx)
[*]umfumdisi: up-to-date[/list]