Cowboy (threereasons) vs. LadyJ (forumusers) by boinky33 2-26-04

I am going to kill you! Ha, Ha! What the fuck are you talking about?

Cowboy (threereasons) vs. LadyJ (forumusers) 2 by boinky33 2-26-04

You think you're sooo cool! I do? I challange you to pistols at dawn. Be there or be a coward. Oh no! watch out for that flaming ball of fire! So, in the end, LadyJ died and the cowboy didn't really care.... .......

Gabe vs. Snowman (1) by mmyers 2-26-04

What am I paying you for, huh? Everyone is talking about Paris Hilton or Martha Stewart or Mel Gibson, but no one is talking about Frosty. Frosty, November-December are your busy months. You get the money for your claymation work, the Christmas songs, appearances, etc. Exactly. After that, we're lucky if we can get you a car commercial. We've got to stretch those pennies so you can make it through the lean times. No, no, I've got an idea, a movie dramatically retelling my origin, but with all the gore and violence and misery that people were afraid to use before. You can't mean..."The passion of Frosty the snowman"?

Gabe vs. Snowman (2) by mmyers 2-26-04

The Passion of Frosty the Snowman Hello, I'm Mel Gibson. Before this movie was made, I thought about killing myself. Now that it's made, I'm still considering it. Roll it! I'm having a great day because I'm wearing my magical hat. I'm minding my own business. Hey, I have to get to a party. I 'hat' to do this but I really want to see 'chapeaux' up with that thing on your head. That Jewish man is taking off Frosty's hat. Oh the horror! And Frosty's screams will haunt me, that and all of the blood and organs that are splashing about as he melts. Oh, the blood!

Gabe vs Snowman (3) by mmyers 2-26-04

Hey Frosty, I just saw your movie. What'd you think? I'm Jewish. What do you think I thought of the movie? You enjoyed the kosher hotdogs we served in the lobby? NO! I hated it! It made Jews look horrible and it was gratuitously graphic! And I'm going to write a scathing review in my newspaper column. Did you at least TRY the hotdogs?

Gabe vs Snowman (4) by mmyers 2-26-04

So what's the verdict? The die-hard Frosty fans love it, critics and non-Frostians are panning it, the Jews are protesting it. Consequently, you're broke and ruined. How'd that happen? Let me ask you, what's my name? Gabe Goldman. Why...oh, I get it. My advice to you is don't bite the audience that feeds you.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Little Girl vs. Wirthling by habnem 2-27-04

Hey there, little girl. I'll bet you're afraid of decapitated heads, aren't you? I think you're funny. You think I'm funny? I'm going to eat you alive, little girl! Daddy, can I use your baseball bat? Uh-oh. Are you filled with candy?

Q: How much do you have to suck to get your ass kicked by a little girl?

A: I don't know, but Wirthling sucks at least that much.

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- christ@myself.com - fuck a cat, kill yourself - my alter ego has five stars

The Power Newbie strikes again.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

Suit vs. Squirrel by fuzzyman 2-27-04

Bobby, you completed your assignment with great sales instinct and creativity, completely selling out your inventory of cashews. What can I say? I'm impressed. Fluffy, you ate all your nuts and pooped on my chair... ...but you're also really, really cute. Bobby, YOU'RE FIRED! Awww, nuts! Thank you, Mr. Trump!

Squirrel wins.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

SCBR 2: attitudechicka Vs. ranger (1) by jes_lawson 2-28-04

Hi there! Nice day for a walk, isn't it? Halt! These woods are no place for a maiden! You may not pass! Excuse me? The Uruk-Hai have been seen a league to the north, and... God, I so hate LARPers... Fair maid! Wait!

SCBR 2: attitudechicka Vs. ranger (2) by jes_lawson 2-28-04

I...uh...I'm sorry, I guess I wasn't expecting... Expecting anyone else to be in the forest today? Well yeah, that and uh... What? Spit it out, Legolas! It's Brian actually, and I was wondering maybe if sometime... HELLO? Look more closely, Lord of The Rings! This isn't a spare tyre I've been carrying around for 5 months!

SCBR 2: attitudechicka Vs. ranger (3) by jes_lawson 2-28-04

Oh, I had no idea, uh... Listen, I'm getting pretty tired now, so if you'd like to get out of the way, I'm going home. See you round, Brian. But...but... I'm in love!

She didn't make it through the forest, but attitudechicka retained her dignity.

---
Please replace the handset, and try again.

Here is my godawful copout of an entry.

Boorite vs Duck by kramer_vs_kramer 3-15-04

Be vewwy vewwy quiet - it's duck season! Oooh, you wotten wascally duck! I refuse to believe catching a duck is that difficult. In fact, I'm going to go out and catch me a duck right this minute. Gotcha! That was even easier than I thought.

Boorite wins.

Kajun vs Feetforears 001 by Drexle 3-15-04

Yo! Check me out, man! I have got feet for ears! That's very impressive there, my good man. I bet you pick up all the chicks with those. You know it, homeslice. Check me out dawg! Yeeeuh! Verily, ye are the pimpin'est pimp-daddy what ever pimped a... um... hmmm... A what? I dunno, I'm awfully drunk right now.

Kajun vs feetforears 002 by Drexle 3-15-04

Hey, what's goin' on guys? Phiiiiiil! Phiiiiiil!

Kajun vs feetforears 003 by Drexle 3-15-04

Hey guys? How's the willy 'yo? Man, check me out! I have got feet for ears! You just can't touch that, I'm afraid. I mean, I've got a skirt for pants, and I'm not even close to the pimp this man is. Feet for ears? That's just weak, dawg. You cain't pick up nuthin like that. I can pick up anyone I want. Mess not with tha powar. Aye! He's got tha powar!

Kajun vs feetforears 004 by Drexle 3-15-04

Later that day... Dude, dawg, bro, man, I gots ta tell ya somethin'. Tell me somethin' homey. Dawg, you are fifty times the mack that feet for ears fucker is. What are ya talkin' about? He's got feet for ears! But you and me, we gots two beers! Together, you and me can have all the bitches and hos in this town! Awwwww yeeuh! Get me somea them fly honeys! Gimme somea them extra-fly honeys!

Kajun vs feetforears 005 by Drexle 3-15-04

Aww yeah baby! Check me out, shawty! Man, you know you wants somea dis! I gots da beer right here! Kajun... What'cho cuttin' in on my game for, punk? You wanna get jacked up here in this haous?! Dawg, look! Them ain't no fly honeys... I know you didn't just call me ugly, chump! Yeah, you tell'em girlfriend! Who told that scrub that mullets was hot? Foo'.

Kajun vs feetforears 006 by Drexle 3-15-04

Man, this is harsh! Da lay-dees have been cold all night! I thought it was a sure thing tonight... I mean, two beers! Two beers in a bucket ain't gonna truck it, G. Ha ha! 'The fuck you talkin' 'bout, beotch? What I'm always talkin' 'bout. PUSSAY!

Kajun vs feetforears 007 by Drexle 3-15-04

The next day... Yo! Dawg! What up, my peeps? Aw, bro... the honeys was harsh last night. I tell you what, it's the truth dawg. I hear that, beotch. I didn't even get a nibble on the ol' fish hook, yo.

Kajun vs feetforears 008 by Drexle 3-15-04

Woahwoahwoah, hold up! HOLD da PHONE! You didn't get no honeys? You mean you ain't no pimper than us dawgs? Now I didn't say dat. I am more pimp than you will ever hope to be. Oh yeah? Bring, it chump! What'cho got that's so pimp, dawg? You seem to be forgetting that I have feet for ears!

Kajun vs feetforears 009 - fini by Drexle 3-15-04

That ain't nothin, homes. Yeah, I mean we gots beers! You gots anything to beat da beers? I not only have feet for ears, I also have hands for feet. Woah... Hands for feet? Hands for fuckin' feet? Oh shit, dawg! We ain't got no hands for feet! Fuck dat shit, man! He beat us again! Don't be steppin' to me, foo! I bust a crap in yo' mouth an' a cap in yo ass. Don't make me rip da mad raps on you suckas.

Winner: The man with feet for ears.

My mistake in the posting -- Kajun wasn't up against ffe. I'll leave that up for amusement value; consider it a friendly exhibition.

(wipes egg off face).

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I think any screwup that results in the coining of a phrase like "bust a crap in yo' mouth and a cap in yo' ass." is worth the error.

Kajun vs Zoe 001 by Drexle 3-16-04

Oh... it's you. Weeeeeelll lookie here. We got a cunty little bint here tonight. Oh, don't you even start with me! And how's Brrrruuuuuuno doing these days, huh? Him? Oh... I dumped him. You dumped him? Awwww!!!! Did the widdle woman finally find out about the other fifty widdle women he has all over town?

Kajun vs Zoe 002 by Drexle 3-16-04

Shut up! It... it's not like that at all! So it wasn't on account of the other fifty women, then? Is that what you're saying? Well no... I mean, it's not like I didn't know about them. We were all in the same bed at least once a week.

Kajun vs Zoe 003 by Drexle 3-16-04

Hah! I finally got you to shut up! Do I win yet? Bollocks. You don't win shit. Why did you dump him, then?

Kajun vs Zoe 004 by Drexle 3-16-04

Well... he was really sweet. Too sweet. I mean, he was too perfect. There's no way I could live up to that. Too sweet? Too nice? The fucker is a slimeball! What the bloody cunt are you on about? You just don't understand. Damn right. You dump every man who treats you halfway decent and run off to the first arsewipe what says "UGH! ME WANT FUCK!" Phhth! Women... ... Then, when slimeball starts showing a hint of humanity, a trait that I'm not convinced he posesses, you dump him too! What the fuck is wrong with you women?

Kajun vs Zoe 005 by Drexle 3-16-04

You're still so bitter about our breakup. Don't you see how big a misogynist you are? You don't think that might have something to do with it? Oh I don't know... I guess the answer to that would be the same as the answer to "Do you realize what a stupid cunt you are?" Pig! Whore! Wait, I just realized something.... You're pretty slimy yourself. I guess that means you ARE my type after all! Come with me back to my place? Scroe!

Kajun vs Zoe 006 by Drexle 3-16-04

Mmmm! I'd almost forgotten how good you were! Kaaaaaaaaajun! Ooooooh... Damn right! But you see, now that we've had our fun, it's time for me to dissapear forever and never return your calls! But why?! Because you're a stupid cunt. SCR0E! BRUUUNOOOOO!!! Buh?

Kajun vs Zoe 007 by Drexle 3-16-04

Who's this punk all up in my bitch's shit, yo?! Bruno?! What are you doing here?! Don't you be steppin', chump! I'll have your ass for earmuffs if you don't get outta my crib, yo! I thought she dumped you! Bah! No matter, I'll have your arse! You'll not screw another chick in this town while I'm around! Okay.

Kajun vs Zoe 008 by Drexle 3-16-04

Oh Bruno... What that chump talkin' 'bout, beotch? What's this dumpin' shit? Oh, well... uh... I guess I just hadn't gotten around to telling you yet. Tellin' me what, beotch?! I'm leaving you, Bruno. Bitch! I have got feet for ears! You cain't dump me!

Kajun vs Zoe 009 by Drexle 3-16-04

You do have feet for ears, yes. And that is very impressive. And you've got hands for feet, which is yet again more than most other men. But what have you got for a penis? You hurt me, bitch. You really cold, you know dat?

Kajun vs Zoe 010 - fini by Drexle 3-16-04

Okay girls, I got rid of Bruno! We can all have lesbian sex now! You are a genius! That plan was perfect! Yeah, you even got rid of that annoying guy in the skirt! Lemme show you my high kick sometime, girl! Sigh... Why am I always cast as a lesbian?