Letters from the Galactic Overlord: Dear Santa 1 by quodlibet 11-26-04

Dear Santa. I have been very good this year. I hate the commercialization of Christmas and I'm sure so do you. After all, with one billion kids in the world, you've got to pay your elves overtime and a half. So if you'll just send me a little vial or two of smallpox, I'll take the blame for you in return for Galactic Overlordship next year. Yours Sincerely.

Letters from the Galactic Overlord: Dear Santa 2 by quodlibet 11-26-04

Dear Santa, Judging from your lack of response, you didn't like my previous offer. Perhaps you were offended by the events at my house last year. I hope you have healed from any burns inflicted by the flamethrower mounted in the fireplace. I can also send back the boot you left behind in the vicious leg-trap. Any resemblance to the Cinderella story must end there. Yours sincerely.

Letters from the Galactic Overlord: Dear Santa 3 by quodlibet 11-26-04

Dear Santa, I find your continued silence difficult to comprehend. Are you mad at me because I wanted the keys to the NORAD missile defence facility in Cheyenne, Colorado? I will keep silent about your obvious ineptitude. My divine nature even permits me to forgive your weakness. Please write back soon acknowledging my benevolence. Yours Sincerely.

Letters from the Galactic Overlord: Dear Santa 1 by quodlibet 11-26-04

Dear Santa. I have been very good this year. I hate the commercialization of Christmas and I'm sure so do you. After all, with one billion kids in the world, you've got to pay your elves overtime and a half. So if you'll just send me a little vial or two of smallpox, I'll take the blame for you in return for Galactic Overlordship next year. Yours Sincerely.

Letters from the Galactic Overlord: Dear Santa 4 by quodlibet 11-26-04

Dear Santa, I really have been very good this year. You can verify this with my mother and Gandalf, the idiot warden at the day-prison otherwise known as school. I have tallied only sixty after-school detentions, four suspensions, sixteen visits to the infirmary, twenty-nine calls home, and three suspensions. Even my psychiatrist thinks I'm getting better, mainly because she's a ditz and I'm smarter than her. As you can tell, this is an obvious improvement over the previous two years. Yours sincerely.

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If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Letters from the Galactic Overlord: Dear Santa 5 by quodlibet 11-29-04

Dear Santa, I am beginning to doubt your so-called omniscience. Since May, I have written to you every single day without fail; I thought a kindred god-like figurehead with your unthinking cult following would appreciate the discourse of a fellow god-figure. If you do not answer soon, I will conduct a swift campaign to disenfranchise your would-be army. I will write to the Tooth Fairy instead. Yours sincerely.

Letters from the Galactic Overlord: Dear Santa 6 by quodlibet 11-29-04

Dear Santa. Your continued silence prompts me to retailiate. Mom says we're having a Donner Party tonight.

Letters from the Galactic Overlord: Santa Replies by quodlibet 12-04-04

Today, I finally received a letter from my erstwhile counterpart at the North Pole. This is what he wrote: Dear kid, We've gotten lots of letters from you. You've been a naughty, rotten, wretched sod. Stop writing. I hope you burn in hell. Love, Santa. You know what this means.

Letters from the Galactic Overlord: Down with Santa 1 by quodlibet 12-04-04

Give me one reason why I shouldn't torch you where you stand. We trees are obviously of Germanic origin and have no association with Santa Claus, or St. Nicholas, or Kris Kringle. You're associated with Christmas. Santa Claus inhabits a domain above the tree line. Kid, I'm an innocent pagan custom unrelated to the phenomenon of Kris Kringle. Here's another unrelated custom at Christmas: the burning of the Yuletide log. Drat.

Letters from the Galactic Overlord: Down with Santa 2 by quodlibet 12-04-04

I'm approaching the source itself -- that's one of his stooges there. Hi kiddo! Ho ho ho! Welcome to Santa's domain! I'm Blitzen! What's your name? We had a Donner party at our house last night. Your associate was scrumptious. But as you're night, I'm inclined to be kind to you. Instant promotion to the despised and outcast Rudolph. Shit, kid! Santa won't let me drive when he thinks I'm drunk! Thanks a lot!

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If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Letters from the Galactic Overlord: Down with Santa 3 by quodlibet 12-11-04

So, where's this stupid Santa dude? I demand that you tell me his location! Your Frosty reception of me will not incline me towards your cause when I have disposed of this troublesome Santa Claus.

Letters from the Galactic Overlord: Down with Santa 4 by quodlibet 12-11-04

Where's Santa? I demand to speak with him immediately! Ha ha ha ha! Welcome to the North Pole! You'll have to wait your turn, like all the other children here. You mistake my identity. I am your Galactic Overlord. You will pay deference and tribute to me, worthy of my status. Ha ha ha ha! What a charming child you are! But you'll have to wait your turn, like all the other children here. You're a freak. Ha ha ha ha! You merely envy me, because I am Santa's slave, while you are just as anonymous and pathetic as all the other children here.

Letters from the Galactic Overlord: Down with Santa 5 by quodlibet 12-11-04

So we meet at last, you fat and supercilious twerp. HO HO HO! And what can I do for you today, young man? I'd like a detailed rationale for your refusal of my reasonable requests, Santa. Would you like to sit on my lap and explain these requests to me? You're a pervert. Are you any relation to Michael Jackson?

Letters from the Galactic Overlord: Down with Santa 6 by quodlibet 12-12-04

As a matter of fact, I would present to the Court of World Opinion that you are nothing more than a red-suited fraud! Can you deny these charges? Look, kid.... Over the past century, a secret conglomerate has carefully inculcated you into the hearts and minds of the most vulnerable segments of our population -- the children. Hey, now! Their slavish devotion to your will forces them to conform to a certain mould. Thus you have accrued power to yourself under the guise of benevolence. ADMIT IT! IT'S TRUE, ISN'T IT?

Letters from the Galactic Overlord: Down with Santa 7 by quodlibet 12-12-04

Inviting little children upon your lap so that you may fondle them -- all those break-and-entries over the years to deliver so-called presents -- that's just the tip of the iceberg, isn't it? I think you're taking things a little too far, now. That cherry red face -- obviously you enjoy both smoking and drinking with a passion, yet you forbid these pleasures to the young folk of today. As a penniless old coot, where do you obtain the funds for your yearly largesse, if not from the pockets of fiendish conglomerates, to whom you have sold your soul? ANSWER ME! ANSWER TO THE WORLD!!!

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If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Letters from the Galactic Overlord: Down with Santa 8 by quodlibet 12-12-04

And last, but not least, how do you explain this yearly donation of goods on the eve of Christmas Day? Why not the middle of July? Why on Christmas Day? I'll tell you why. It's because you've been bought out by the allied forces of Christianity! HOW ELSE CAN YOU EXPLAIN IT? ANSWER ME, OR I WILL EXPOSE YOU TO THE WORLD, BEER-BELLY AND ALL!!!!!

Letters from the Galactic Overlord: Down with Santa 9 by quodlibet 12-12-04

Well? What is your response, oh 'Santa Claus'? Um, kid. Why don't you stand there and tell me what you really want. Bribery for my silence, is it? Uh...yeah. The keys to the missile silos across America and your obedience to me as your Galactic Overlord. Simple requests for one of your stature. I...see. Wait right here and let me see what I can do about that.

Letters from the Galactic Overlord: The Meaning of Christmas by quodlibet 12-12-04

You'll be glad to know that things turned out all right in the end, this year. After Santa betrayed me to the thought-police, Mom bailed me out of jail and hushed up the criminal charges. Then she beat the shit out of me for failing to topple the Christmas regime once again. "If you're going to do it, do it right!" she screamed at me. If that's not the meaning of Christmas, I don't know what is.

The end.

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If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.