Welcome to
IvyThePlant's Book O' Etiquette!
In this handy document, you will learn the dos and don'ts of various important social situations. It will be difficult at times and many of you may not understand it, but with any luck, you will leave here smarter and less of a nuisance to your friends.
First off, let's start with
[u]The Dinner Invitation:[/u]
All day at work, you are looking forward to getting together with friends. Nothing fancy, maybe dinner at a local Village Inn or Perkins. Just a few close friends you haven't seen in a bit, catch up, etc. You and your friends aren't exactly rich; you've had a bit of luck lately and have some extra cash you're willing to spend on dinner. If a friend needs a loan, you'd be more than happy to pay for tonight's dinner. After all, it's for friends. Of course, you aren't made of money and won't advertise this fact unless absolutely necessary. You certainly can't afford to pay for everyone, especially with payday still a couple weeks away. But no matter, you make a call to "Moira" and see if anyone's up for dinner. Please note this is based on a very real conversation and the next question is asked as if the WRONG answer had been given. Which it was. Every goddamn time.
1. "Hey, Moira, if you're not doing anything tonight, I thought maybe you wanted to go to supper at Village Inn. Maybe with a few other people. Interested?"
> RIGHT: "Sounds fun. Who were you thinking of inviting?"
> WRONG: "Sounds fun. Bob and Lisa are here too. Let me ask them if they want to come."
2. "Do you have Megan's number? I wanted to see if she wanted to come."
> RIGHT: "Oh sure. It's 555-4721."
> WRONG: "Here's her number. Let me call Amy and Barbara and see if they can come too. I think they have homework though."
3. "Okay...So what time do you want to meet there?"
> RIGHT: "How about 6:30?"
> WRONG: "Well, Jeff won't want to eat until 6:30, so I guess then. Though it might be 7:30 or 8:00."
4. "Okay...Jeff's coming? So I guess there will be a lot of people there, if they can all come."
> RIGHT: "I guess you're right. Hopefully we can all make it."
> WRONG: "Looks like you'll be spending your whole paycheck, huh?"
5. "Um...yeah..."
> RIGHT: "Did you mean for everyone to be invited or only a couple of people?"
> WRONG: "You're so generous! I called people and almost everyone wants to come. Haven't heard from Amy and Barbara yet, but I bet they'll come for free food."
6. "Well, let me call you back a little bit later. I have to...start the laundry...and there's no reception in the basement."
> RIGHT: "Sure. Are you okay? You don't sound so enthused anymore."
> WRONG: "Oh, by the way, Jeff wants gas money for the time I drove you around town when your car was being fixed, but if you'd rather buy him dinner than give him the $5.00, he'll be happy with that."
7. "Gas money?"
> RIGHT: "Oh, that was sudden. I guess the $5.00 would be cheaper. I should have told you that he expected gas money earlier. I'm sorry."
> WRONG: "Yeah, I did drive you all over the place and it is his car, so he's insisting on gas money since I used about a quarter of a tank driving you to and from work."
8. "Does that count the time you neglected to tell me you were going out of town and I had to beg a ride from your mom and ended up being two hours late to work and thus reprimanded and later that day when you came to pick me up but my car had been completely repaired by then because the ride I needed that morning was to the repair shop? And since we're counting all these things that I had mistakenly assumed was a favor from one friend to another, does this also take into account all the times I (illegally) used my employee discount card on your purchases, scored good deals on stuff you never would have bought otherwise and gave them to you because I knew you'd love them and wanted to be nice or the fact that I've been giving you a lot of the crystals and other gems without charging you so I'm making a loss on what are essentially my business expenses?"
> Oh wait, that was my internal monologue...
9. "Okay. I guess."
> RIGHT: "Well, why don't you come over here and we can discuss everything. We should get this all figured out."
> WRONG: "Well, come on over and we can finish calling people. Oh wait, were you inviting Megan? Cause with her and Jeff in the same room it might be akward since he did cheat on me with her roommate and she's upset. She might not come since Jeff is there."
10. "Well, I originally wanted to invite you, Lisa, and Megan. No one else."
> RIGHT: "Oh, I'm sorry. I should have asked if you wanted everyone there and were intending to pay for everyone's meals. I guess with all these people and an average of $10 a person, it would be almost 1/4 of your paycheck. I'm so sorry. I'm such a dunce. Please forgive me."
> WRONG: Well, come on over, then. I'll call Amy and Barbara and confirm."
11. Hang up. Start watching Star Trek rerun recorded earlier. Sit stunned for a while. Make a decision. Call Moira back.
12. "Yeah, I got to thinking and I realized that I have to be at work tomorrow at an ungodly hour and by the time we all get together, it will be a good hour past my bedtime and I really should just eat a quick meal here, finish watching last night's Stargate, and go to bed early.
> RIGHT: "Oh okay. Maybe some other time. Goodnight."
> WRONG: "Well, we can't tomorrow because I have dinner with my parents, but how about Monday? You're off on Tuesday. Just don't spend all your money ha ha!"
13. Hang up. sit stunned for a moment. Start supper. Finish Star Trek. Watch both Stargates, Justice League, two discovery specials about mummies, one about the Tablet of Solomon, and one about wild cats (while making cooing noises over the baby leopards). Start thinking about the whole thing. Get more and more pissed off. Realize it's now three hours past your bedtime, but you don't care. Write the whole thing down in a rant, only to remember "Moira" reads your web page. Cheat and put it on an SC forum. Ponder what to say next time you talk to her. Realize you aren't sure you care. Realize you're still pissed at "Jeff" for fucking everything that moves yet didn't even give you the time of day. Not that you would have slept with him. That would have hurt "Moira" and you don't want to do that because she's a friend. You think. Finally decide to take Megan and Lisa out separately, even paying for it if need be. That way you'll still have money left by the next payday. And not end up with the bill of someone else's idea.
