Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout I by CHUBBY 2-24-05

I'm Mary-Jo Olmstead, I'm the owner. I've been looking at your resume. Very impressive! Thank you. So many jobs-- and at so many different breweries!

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout II by CHUBBY 2-24-05

Now, you started out at Schlitz? What happened there? They went out of business. And then you moved to Dubuque Brewing. Til they went out of business. Then Local Brewing in Cleveland..... Hey, I'm hoping fourth time will be the charm.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout III by CHUBBY 2-24-05

It says on your resume that at Local Brewing you "implemented innovative cost-cutting measures." Tell me about that. Well we paid top dollar to the best brewers we could find, relocated them, and gave them and their families full benefits. But I realized after they moved, we didn't have to pay benefits anymore. And the brewers didn't object? No. Why not? We didn't tell them.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout IV by CHUBBY 2-24-05

There's a candidate for brewery manager I want you to meet. Clint Norris. Is this the one whose resume was on the fax machine this morning? Yes! That's the one! What did you think? He's the Angel of Fuckin' Death.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout V by CHUBBY 2-24-05

You worked at Local Brewing in Cleveland? My friend Dave Dietz worked there. Small world. Heh, heh, heh. Yeah. So, you worked at Local-- a failed microbrewery; Dubuque-- a failed regional brewery; and Schlitz-- a failed megabrewery. What about the gaps in-between? I consulted. Of course you did.

---
"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout VI by CHUBBY 2-24-05

Gopher, clean the kettle, then squeegee and mop the floors. OK, Werner. Well, Werner, we're fucked. Mary-Jo is dead set on this guy Clint Norris as manager. What's wrong with him? He's closed more breweries than prohibition. Maybe he's working undercover for MADD.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout VII by CHUBBY 2-24-05

Dude, I can't lose this job! I have a wife and kids to support! Werner, you live in your mom's basement and you spend your entire paycheck on weed. Duh. It's my dealer's wife and kids I support.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout VIII by CHUBBY 2-24-05

I'm going to hire Clint. Is that necessary? What do you mean? Wouldn't an arsonist be cheaper and get the job done more quickly?

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout IX by CHUBBY 2-24-05

Don't worry honey, you'll find something else. And if we need to relocate, I'm portable. I know. It's Werner I'm worried about. Where's he gonna go? This is the only job he's ever had. He'll find something. He subs out all his grunt work to Gopher. He wears a kilt year-round. He's always got a beer in his hand. He smokes too much weed. He's always taking off to go to his grandmothers' funerals. Why did you hire him? He's the most brilliant brewer I ever met.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout X by CHUBBY 2-24-05

Dude, I went on a beer run this weekend! So? You do every weekend. Yeah, but Stash and I had to go to Toronto-- uh, on business. We came back through Vermont. Why? Fewer border guards.

---
"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XI by CHUBBY 2-24-05

Besides, I wanted to stop at that brewery in Brattleboro that you always rave about, McNeill's and pick you up some Imperial Stout while they had some left. Dude! You are the best! "Mike to the office please. Mike to the office. Thank you." Oh. Gotta go. What do I owe you? Well, if I can come over for dinner Saturday-- and Reese makes her famous risotto-- we'll call it even. Dude, the way you eat, you'll owe me money.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XII by CHUBBY 2-24-05

Our flagship beer is the #1 bestselling microbrew in the state and has been since its rollout. That's right. I think it's time to change it. When you started at Schlitz, weren't they the #1 brewery in the country? And didn't they change their recipe and go out of business? Yes. What's the point? It's punching holes in your hat.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XIII by CHUBBY 2-24-05

No. I think the idea is moronic, and so are you. I'm not reformulating the beer that pays my salary to salve your enormous ego. I thought you'd say that. So I have a fallback plan in place. Good day. Fallback? Dude, how'd it go? Something I said? My breath? What? HEY, WE STILL ON FOR DINNER SATURDAY?

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XIV by CHUBBY 2-24-05

Hi Reese. Mike here? Hi Werner. He's in the study. I'll get him. Is he mad at me? Do I know? Does he tell me anything? YES, HE IS MAD AT YOU!

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XV by CHUBBY 2-24-05

I thought we were friends. And you knife me in the back. Now you think you can buy me off with a case of beer? Dude, what the hell are you talking about? You're not reformulating the flagship beer? No. I told 'em I wasn't going over your head. And besides, it's two cases of beer. Oh, well why didn't you say so! TWO cases? C'mon in and have some risotto!

---
"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XVI by CHUBBY 2-24-05

Ah, that is the nectar of the gods. I wonder who they did get to do the reformulation? I dunno, but-- (*RING) I'LL GET IT! It's Gopher. He wants some help on a recipe?

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XVII by CHUBBY 2-24-05

That was fuckin' Gopher. They asked him to do the reformulation. Fuckin' guy can't brew coffee. So he asked for our help. So I said we'll help him, all right. Why do you call him Gopher? Well, his real name is Topher Gittes, so we call him Gopher Ti-- (*COUGH, COUGH) (SHUTUP!) (*COUGH, COUGH) Cause you make him gopher coffee and stuff? Hey, I never thought of that, but that works too.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XVIII by CHUBBY 2-24-05

Hey, I forgot to tell you. I was at the Lost Dog Cafe in Arlington, and I saw our beer on tap. You couldn't have. We're not licensed to sell beer in Virginia. Dude, I saw it with my own eyes! Who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes? Hey, doesn't Clitoris live in Arlington?

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XIX by CHUBBY 2-24-05

You think Clitoris is stealing beer? And selling it illegally? Yeah. And getting Gopher to falsify the inventory. Whoa. Dude, you know what this means? What? We're BOOTLEGGERS! And this from an international drug smuggler.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XX by CHUBBY 2-24-05

Well, thanks for dinner, Mrs. Cleaver. Gee, that was swell. Well, thanks for coming, Lumpy. And thanks for the booze. There's some leftover risotto. You want to take it home? No, don't-- G'wan, take 'it. I'd rather have you eat 'it than Reese eat it and get fat. I HEARD THAT!

---
"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XXI by CHUBBY 2-24-05

When are you going back to Vermont? Boy, I'll make you an Imperial Stout dat's better den McNeill's. Better den McNeill's? Double or nothing risotto. You're on. I'll get my homebrewing stuff.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XXII by CHUBBY 2-24-05

While they're in the basement, I'll break out my secret stash of single-estate chocolate. Hehe. Hey, hon, would you give that brewpot a stir? OK! Oops.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XXIII by CHUBBY 2-24-05

Holy crap! Is that ever chocolatey! Um, that wouldn't be from the chocolate malt, would it? Chocolate malt doesn't really have chocolate in it. Lucy-- you've got some splainin' to do! Oh, Ricky, I dropped my chocolate into your brewkettle! WAAAH!

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XXIV by CHUBBY 2-24-05

This is great. You could sell this beer. We've looked into opening our own place. Even if we're mortgaged to the hilt, we still come up short. Hey, my Gran used to say, "Follow your dream wherever it may lead you." Was that the crazy one? With all the cats? Yeah! That's right! She was real?

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XXV by CHUBBY 2-24-05

Hey, if it'll help you guys at all, I'll throw in my inheritance from Gran. I thought your Gran left all her money to the cat shelter. She did, but she left me some stocks or something. You can look at 'em if you want. They're in my car. Stocks? Yeah. Some of 'em are like fifty years old. Probably expired by now. But you can use 'em if you want.

---
"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XXVI by CHUBBY 2-24-05

IBM, Ford, GM,..... Merck, CBS, Microsoft,..... These are worth MILLIONS! Dude, you start another test batch. I'll get the paperwork going. Not enough? I have more at home in my sock drawer.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XXVII by CHUBBY 2-24-05

I appreciate you guys helping me with this recipe. Just don't tell Clitoris. Or he'll shit-can you. Now. "1000 lbs. pale malt". That sounds like a lot. Do you really need that much? Nah. Half of that should be ok.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XXVIII by CHUBBY 2-24-05

A very special brew requires a very special yeast. Like a lambic yeast? That'll give it a funky flavor. No. Skip all the beer and wine yeasts. Here's a list of all the other yeast cultures and where they sourced them from. Looking for anything in particular? Ah, there it is. "Anus of Cat". Your gran would be proud.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XXIX by CHUBBY 2-24-05

So, big day, huh? All the restrateurs, barowners, and liquor store owners have come to try your new beer. Yeah, I-- OMIGOSH! What? I forgot to add hops! Don't worry. Nobody will notice.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XXX by CHUBBY 2-24-05

Please enjoy our new flagship beer! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT! IT TASTES LIKE ASS! WHAT ARE YOU TRYIN' TO DO, KILL US? C'MON, EVERYBOODY, LET'S GET OUTTA HERE! Excuse me, sir, care to try a Chocolate Triple Stout? Sure!

---
"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XXXI by CHUBBY 2-24-05

GOPHER!!!! THE G-MAN! HOW'D IT GO?? I think you know. I made coffee, Gopher! I saw you coming and I fixed you a cup the way you like it-- ten sugars, right? It's at your place at the table. I even used a coaster this time. Go clean that fuckin' kettle. And you can call me Mr. Gittes from now on.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XXXII by CHUBBY 2-24-05

McClusky! We need that old recipe again! Get it for me! Now! Well, ah, lookee here Boss Clitoris, Boss Gopher done tole me to clean de kettle. And I gots to do what Boss Gopher done tells to do. GOPHER! GO CLEAN THAT FUCKIN' KETTLE! NOW! Heh heh heh.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XXXIII by CHUBBY 2-24-05

Is it coming? Is it coming? Coming? It's not even breathing hard...... Ah there it is. Whew. OK, print it off for me. Oops.

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XXXIV by CHUBBY 2-24-05

Don't worry Clitoris! We have a BACKUP COPY! Werner! Where's that backup copy? BACKUP COPY! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! COPY! Well? Oh, wait. Is that the one Gopher's using as a coaster?

Chocolate Chunks: XXX Stout XXXV by CHUBBY 2-24-05

You..... are so...... fuckin'...... fired...... I may be fired, but you're a felon. Did you know it's a federal offense to transport untaxed beer across state lines? ATF is on its way over. You, too. Oh, I quit. Didn't you get my note? "It is with mixed emotions that I leave Cambridge Brewing Company, LLC, the only job I have ever known, in order to pursue new opportunities elsewheres. AMF." Very eloquent, Doctor. Why thank you, marm. Took forever to scratch that with my key into the door of his Escalade.