This thread aims to answer the eternal "Who would win?" questions. The only catch is that it's not your usual "Superman versus Batman with a rocket launcher" quandary. No. I'm asking you:

[u] Who would win?[/u]

• Tupperware? Or Tipper Gore?

• Don King? Or Burger King?

• Hulk Hogan? Or Hogan's Heroes?

And so on.

So to kick off :

Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, or "Eye of The Tiger" by Survivor?

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

Who would win?

Tupperware? Or Tipper Gore?

Answer: Tipper Gore has a louder burp (but doesn't keep things as fresh)

Don King? Or Burger King?

Answer: Don King has more Cheese.

Hulk Hogan? Or Hogan's Heroes?

Answer: Papa Bear would blow up Papa Hulks beauty marks, but Hulk would then go after the weakest Klink.  (Hulk Hogan)

Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, or "Eye of The Tiger" by Survivor?

Answer: It took movie makers three months to animate sixty seconds of stop motion for Sinbad...it now takes three months AND three choruses of "Eye of the Tiger"  to animate Sylvester Stalone for Rocky 2007. (Tie)

a penis vs. Janet Reno?

Answer: Politics are are harder. (Janet)

Next: Who would win this fight: Andy Griffith or Andy Dick?

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Answer: Andy Dick. Bear with me here: Andy Griffith wasn't a violent man and very wholesome. Andy Dick on the other hand is on cocaine and likes anal sex. You can see where this is going.

I mean the aggrivated buttrape.

Next up: Christian Bale vs. Hayden Christensen

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

Hayden Christianson was a skinny teenage Sith-lite who couldn't stop whining for ten seconds. Christian Bale was Batman. No contest.

Continuing: Weird Al Yankovic vs Al Bundy

Al Bundy: He comes home and puts his hands in his pants everyday after work, and so Weird Al would make a song parodying him for that, but because there was no illegal music file sharing in the 80s and early 90s Al Bundy would never even know it existed. Weird Al's song would fall on deaf ears, he loses.

Golden Grahams or Golden Showers?

Golden Grahams. Even R. Kelly gets hungry after a while.

Bridget Jones' Diary or The Diary of Anne Franke?

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

The diary of Anne Frank because it contains secrets to finding Nazi gold.

Abe Vigoda vs. a Japanese pagoda

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Poop.

Abe vigoda can crush any and all buildings with his massive face.

Teletubbies vs. The House of Representatives

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the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

House of Representatives--Dennis Hastert alone is tubbier than all the Teletubbies put together.

Next up: Coca-Cola vs Cocaine

Cocaine is much easier and funnier to snort than Coca-Cola.

Next up: Dick Butkus vs Dick Trickle

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obscenity filter is off

Dick Butkus is much easier and funnier to snort than Dick Trickle.

Next up: Hoover Dam v.s. an Amish guy in a wet suit

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peddling the funny around since 09/24/2002

Amish guy, because according him the Hoover Dam doesn't exist.

Samson vs. Sammy Davis Jr.

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Poop.

Tough one - both were Jewish, both had fondness for wicked ladies, and both had some vision-related mishaps.

But a car crash didn't stop our Rat Pack Daddy-O, whereas a haircut later, and Sammy OT has to live a life of slavery in a heathen temple, and his only escape was to pull it down with his bare hands. That commands some props, but I'm going with Sammy Davis Jr. on this one.

Next up: club sandwich, or club foot?

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

Club sandwich because it's easier to walk around the park with.

The legendary King David vs. David King, the figure skater

david king, he's been training with brian boitano, and we all know what he'd do.

uncle jesse vs. uncle jesse

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what if nigger meant kite

That's a tough one, but I'm going to have to go with Uncle Jesse.

 Next up:  Alan Greenspan in lacy underwear vs Dick Cheny in frilly underwear

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peddling the funny around since 09/24/2002

Dick Cheny in frilly underwear because he comes packing.

A narcoleptic Sex maniac or napping necrophiliac

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Insert Theme to Mannix here

The narcoleptic sex maniac, because they don't mind if you stick it in them while they're asleep, while necrophiliacs only like sticking things in dead people.

Barnum & Bailey vs. Bailey's Irish Cream

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

bailey's irish cream cuz its booze. also barnum and baileys have clowns. clowns suck.

an irate postal worker or a disgruntled proctologist?

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Kill Whitey.

A disgruntled proctologist. His stamp will hurt far more than any irate postal servicemen.

Darth or Garth?

Humpenstein

double-bladed light saber wins. too bad he's in 2 pieces... even so, advantage darth

henry rollins vs. iggy pop

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Our liability coverage is zero. Our balls however are enormous.

Iggy Pop, even glass coffeetables cannot defeat him.

Jack the Ripper vs. a box of Cracker Jacks

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Poop.

With a cracker jacks secret decoder ring, anyone can find Jack the Ripper's identity! Even YOU!

Oprah Winfrey vs The Buddha

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the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

Oprah has a weight advantage, numerous celebrity friends, and a book of the month club, but the Buddha has attained Nirvana.

And I hear Kurt Cobain rocks even harder in the afterlife.

Minnie Driver or Scott Walker?

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

Minnie Driver's big square face deflects all attacks.

Ghost Dog or Patrick Swayze in Ghost?