I heard a country version of that song "Walking In Memphis" the other day, when I was once again being forced to listen to the country music station by my co-workers. The music was exactly the same, but the singer was different, he had kind of a southern twang that was only noticable if you were really listening. And yet, that one small factor took a song that I merely tolerated, and made it completely awful for me.

Dammit, I do NOT get country music. Ever since moving to Nebraska, I've been trying to figure out what the hell the deal is with this country music, and if I'm just not listening to it right or something, but no, I think I just really don't like it.

I swear, there are only seven kinds of country song, and I hate them all. I hate them in general, because I'm not crazy about the style of music to begin with (although since there was a time that I could enjoy country music, I can only assume that the problem is that country music has changed drastically in the past decade). Here are the seven types, I'd name examples if I could but seriously, I don't want to re-listen to this garbage any more than I have to.

#1 - THE "SHEEPLE PRIDE" CRAP: These are the songs that beat you over the head with "good ol' fashioned American Christian values". This includes all those songs about seeing God, about God answering prayer, about God NOT answering prayer but that's just as OK, about angels taking time out of their busy angel lives to watch your son get born or your daughter get married and, for some reason, soldiers. You know, people whose job description could be summarized in religious terms as "Break the 6th Commandment whenever a superior officer tells you to." I have nothing personal against religion or the military, but at the same time, I don't think I could tolerate hearing songs about them three times an hour on a regular basis either. It'd be like having CNN and the 700 Club on at the same time.

#2 - THE "DIVORCE" CRAP: It amazes me how, in a genre literally riddled with excessive Christian undertones, there are also so many songs about divorce - yet if you ask the typical country music fan, they will insist that it's "city folk" that are the ones getting all the divorces. Whether that's true or not is a matter left to someone willing to do that research, but from a music genre point of view, country music sure has a lot of songs about it. Most other genres have some version of a "break-up" song, so I'm guessing the "divorce" songs are simply the result of the matrimony-inclined country music genre trying to keep up with the other genres. Speaking of which...

#3 - THE "R&P/HIP-HOP CROSSOVER" CRAP: No, I'm not talking about that "Gin & Juice" cover (mostly because that was bluegrass, a genre I actually like). I'm talking about hearing Boys II Men lyrics set to the tune of country guitars, or twangy voices singing about "badonkadonks", "hotties", and "getting their drink on." Every time I hear this crap, all I can think of is a bad version of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commerical, only instead of peanut butter and chocolate, some guy named Travis just got his barbeque sauce in Snoop Dog's Hennesey. I'm not necessarily talking about Cowboy Troy here, but fuck him nonetheless.

#4 - THE "A-HYUK" CRAP: These are the songs where the chorus is some bad pun or ages-old turn of phrase, and the rest of the song is an obvious (and often clumsy) attempt to fill three minutes on the subject. Of all the types I've listed, this is the one that is also the most painfully formulaic - the lyrics drag you kicking and screaming through eight verses, into a chorus that always goes "Bad pun/something that rhymes with bad pun/something that rhymes even clumsier with bad pun/bad pun again", repeat that a second time, MAYBE a bridge or guitar solo, and back into the formula one more time. It's like every country musician feels genetically drawn to write at least one lazy, paint-by-the-numbers song based off of a bumper sticker he saw as a kid.

#5 - THE "LIFE ADVICE" CRAP: Another thing I seem to hear at least twice an hour on country music stations, is a song where the singer is giving trite, over-generalized advice about leading a good life. I don't think I'd complain so much if the songs contained lyrics like "Make sure you get a check-up/Every year or every six months/And the walls you paint will look greater/If you use the right sandpaper". But no, the advice is usually something to the tune of "Make the most of your life" or "Life has its ups and downs but you just got to learn to deal with it". I also think it's funny just how many of these songs contain some variation on the phrase "I may not be a smart man, but..."

#6 - THE "TWANG YOUR HEART STRINGS" CRAP: I used to think of cowboys as these manly bastards that would bend quarters in half, as a way of winding down after a long day of kicking bullock ass and tossing down 160-proof "energy drinks" by the gallon. Now, the music genre most often associated with these guys is busy churning out songs about babies being born, mommas dying of cancer, daddies crying at their daughters' weddings, and so on. If I had to grow up on a steady diet of this wrist-limpening nonsense, I'd have a hard time quitting Keith Ledger's mangina too.

#7 - THE "GIRLS KICK ASS" CRAP: I'm not against the message of these songs per se; I hate them simply because they are country. I just wanted to point out that, while the men are busy penning songs about cute babies and angels, the women are picking up the slack with songs about getting into fights, smashing vehicles, overcoming the odds, and going on all-night benders. After hearing this, I can only conclude that the entire country music set doth protest a little TOO much about gay marriage.

To be fair, I did hear one country song that I liked. It was about this guy who breaks out of prison by training the warden's bloodhound to chase a female dog, so that when he escapes, the dog leads the search party in the wrong direction (with a great last line - "Love got me in here, and love got me out"). I would like to know what this song is called, because I've only heard it twice, I missed the artist both times, it didn't sound a thing like any of the other songs I've been complaining about, and the dang station won't play it again.

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

agreed

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The Greatest Strip Ever Made

when i was a kid, i had a piano teacher that said she didn't like country music because they vocally slide between pitch. that's my standard answer now, since i don't like it either and because then i can pretend i'm a piano teacher

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what if nigger meant kite

It's not country you hate, it's "new country" or whatever the fuck they call it. I'm sure there are artists out there who still make decent country music (only thing that instantly comes to mind is Neko Case). Comparing Toby Keith to Johnny Cash or Hank Williams is like trying to compare Simple Plan to The Dead Kennedy's or Black Flag. They don't.

Not that I'm a huge country fan, I despise most of it for the same reasons mentioned but I still can appreciate a good country song when I happen to hear one.

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Poop.

ZMannZilla

I think the song you're referring to is "Ol' Red" by Blake Shelton; I Googled it.

I like some older country, like Johnny Cash, but Numbers 1 and 3 alone are enough to keep me away from contemporary country music, even if the accents didn't annoy me.

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"Laughter is the language of the soul." - Pablo Neruda, as quoted by Lisa Simpson

Rabid_Weasle

I suppose that's a fair assessment. Like I said, I've heard country before that I liked, back when I was a kid. Charlie Daniels, Johnny Cash, and Willie Nelson come to mind immediately. *sigh* Cowboys these days, with their hair and their clothes...

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

kane2742

Thanks, Kane, I'm off to go steal me a song...

Kane2743, you have been found GUILTY of aiding and abetting internet theft. TEN YEARS IN THE CUBES!

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

If I acted like my comic strip characters, that's not all I'd be going to jail for. Inspired by this thread, I just made a country music strip. Based on a true story, too.

[Click to view comic: 'Country Music']

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"Laughter is the language of the soul." - Pablo Neruda, as quoted by Lisa Simpson

Rabid_Weaslei always think of the new shit as "country" and the old johnny cash/brenda lee/statler bros kind of vibe as "country western." i dig country western. country, not so much. it rapes my ears the same way the blue collar comedy tour rapes my funny bone

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what if nigger meant kite

No fan of most country music myself, I'll stick up for Bob Wills, Hank Williams, Hank Williams ]|[, (fuck Jr., though), Earl Scruggs, western swing in general, and a few others.

I agree:  fuck people who put classic rock or hip-hop to acoustic guitars and country accents and call it country music.

I agree:  fuck sappy songs about mommies getting cancer, although a lot of those are probably more accurately classified as "bluegrass."

However, some of those puns or turns of phrase you kvetch about are actually quite clever.  (I wish I could think of some examples off the top of my head, but I can't.)  But I agree:  a lot of people try too hard to be clever and just fail.  Then it's worse than if they hadn't tried at all.

Side note:  my unwritten country song will be called "Stuck in a Ditch along Side of the Road to Nowhere."

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"Old" is the old new.

It's an acquired taste. But all the generalizations you point out in today's 'country' have their equivalents in other genres.

Rap/Hip-hop: I can't think of a single recent song I've heard on the local stations that aren't about going to the club, drinking, and banging some total stranger just because she's hot, not necessarily in that order.

'Modern' Rock: Nothing but whiny girly-men either talking about how no one likes them or bemoaning the fact that their girlfriend left them for someone with a pair.

Pop: Good God, don't get me started. Almost nothing but American Idol "winners" and the people who got famous the hard way on the same crappy music.

In all honesty, there's maybe one song out of ten (all genres combined) that I can like, with the occasional artist whom I like whole-heartedly. Nothing in the past ten years is really any good.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

it's alright guys, I'll make us some songs we can listen to.

You like bad guitar playing and singing, right?

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The following statement its true. The previous statement is false

The_young_scot

Well, I do listen to Beat Happening and the Pastels, so...

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I has a flavor!

HCRoyall

There is more music out there than just those three.  Although I mostly agree with your generalizations, there is some rap out there which is different.  (I'm not a fan, so I can't name it, but I've heard it.)  Hip-hop and pop are by definition formulaic, though -- as in if they weren't, they'd be something else.

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"Old" is the old new.

The other genres aren't nearly as stereotypical, though. I mean, "Indie" music seems to be anything that isn't mainstream, so generalizations about it don't really work.

Hip-hop/Rap just seems to switch formulas every now and then, though. A couple years ago it was nothing but them talking about how rich they were, and before that it was all slappin' ho's and cappin' asses. I miss the days when rap was mostly improv at live shows, when it was about style and talent rather than the pissing contest it seems to be now. That is, when they aren't "remixing" old songs from other genres and claiming it as original work.

I used to be really into Classic Rock, but now that they've suddenly decided that the 80's are a part of that genre I really have trouble listening to some classic rock stations.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

HCRoyall

Yeah, I'll give ya that, but then again, all the modern rap I listen to is either in a foreign language or The Roots. And as #4 pointed out, it's even more annoying when country music co-opts aspects of rap culture, quite possibly for the reasons you've outlined.

HCRoyall

New rock, new country... I have to wonder if a "new rap" will come out, in which the male rappers all spit about their ho's leaving them for a pimp with a stronger wrist.

HCRoyall

I could very easily go on another diatribe about p(o)op music. However, my rant was fueled by being literally forced to listen to country at work yesterday. To date, I have never been ear-raped by pop music against my will.

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

HCRoyallthe fact that i agree with all this made me start thinking that maybe we're all just suffering from "things were so much better in the good ole days." the same sickness we used to roll our eyes at our parents for. this is a scary, horrendous thought, though, so i'm going to fight to the death defending the idea that music really has gone downhill. my only implements of destruction: a diary queen spork sword and a dukes of hazzard tv tray shield.

GAME ON, BITCHES!

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what if nigger meant kite

my spork broke :(

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what if nigger meant kite

It's not just you. After I watched South Park spoof that "Heavy Metal" movie (that came, what, over 25 years ago), I experienced a wave of nostalgia so strong I ordered the soundtrack off Amazon. What a mindfuck to hear songs that open with guitar solos. Was the electric guitar ever that mighty and venerated an instrument? Yes, yes it was. I'd nearly forgotten.

Fuck it man -- right this moment I'm listening to the college radio station play some good bluesy rock & roll deep cuts from decades gone by. If I haven't heard it before, it's new to me. And to all you kids out there, get off my lawn!

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I was gonna send a robot back in time, but I got high.

Back in the day I used to have to walk uphill both ways to get a new Twisted Sister album and I was torn between vinyl and those new fangled cass-ette tapes thingies.

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Kill Whitey.

In my day, you couldn't raid your parents' record collection and find a bunch of cool shit that sounded better than the current shit. 

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

biped

Some of us still can't do that.

My dad doesn't even know who Led Zeppelin are.

LED FUCKING ZEPPELIN!!

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The following statement its true. The previous statement is false

I would also like to jump on the bandwagon here and say I've heard maybe one good country song produced in the last eight years.

As for modern rap music, Ludacris is good. Besides that, old school rap is far, far better, which is why I liked the Sugar Hill Gang's "Tonto (Jump on It)."

Modern rock is beyond shitty. The fact that any given band maybe has a single enjoyable song is a perfect example of this fact. Hearing a bunch of girlyvoiced frontmen sing about how they didn't make the football team and didn't fit in with the cool kids blasting from cars as they drive around campus makes me hate it even more.

Pop is self explanitory.

End diatribe.

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the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

i have 3 words for you:

EURO-FUCKIN-METAL

not the "how fast can we play through every fucking song" type of shit, but the new wave of celtic/folk/classical influenced stuff that is currently gaining ground there.

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Kill Whitey.

Yeah? Name some bands. I'd like to check it out.

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I was gonna send a robot back in time, but I got high.