Dude, none of that matters by LePoupon 7-05-09

At the pearly gates of heaven But Lord, you've got to let me in. I followed everything in the Catholic faith down to a T. In Nam I didn't join the other guys humping prostitues, not being able to use a condom and not wanting... Dude... ...to bring an STD home to my wife. When I got home i found she had joined a commune and was fucking hippies. I had to divorce her. Also it wasn't suicide, the gun just went of when I was thinking... Dude stop! None of that matters. It doesn't? It doesn't, you can't get in because you're Catholic.

Any comments/critisisms of my work would be very much appriciated.

As is probably clear I'm new to this and would be greatful for any guidance i can get. Plus I love hearing what people have to say.

I'm like a prostitute with a customer satisfaction form on the dressing table you leave the money on. 

It was a funny idea (even if South Park already did it), but the punchline fell a little flat.  If I may make a humble suggestion:

Workin' on Comic 469061 by not_Scyess 7-06-09

But Lord, you've got to let me in. I followed everything in the Catholic faith down to a T. In Nam I didn't join the other guys humping prostitues, not being able to use a condom and not wanting... Dude... ...to bring an STD home to my wife. When I got home i found she had joined a commune and was fucking hippies. I had to divorce her. Also it wasn't suicide, the gun just went of when I was thinking... Dude stop! It's all right. We treat all Catholics the same here. I'll have someone show you to you room. Whew! What a relief!

In my opinion, this way works better beacuse it's more subtle.  The joke here is that Catholics don't get into heaven.  But if you have to explicitly state "You can't get in because you're Catholic." it's like hitting the audience over the head with a brick.

Overall, though, I think you're not a bad stripper at all.  Keep going.

---
peddling the funny around since 09/24/2002

Genuwinely didnt know about the South Park, but like they said

"Simpson's already did it" 

The modified version is alot better. I'm gonna keep trying.

Your advise has been a great help, thank you.