for this contest, create a religion. funniest comic wins. L. Ron Hubbard is disqualified

cc443: Church of Balls by mandingo 1-02-10

so why should i join the Church of Balls? well, unlike the corrupt Catholic church which tithes 10%, i tithe 15% and give 5% back but that still comes to 10% sure, but it's like getting a thousand dollars back at a car dealership. you still know you're being raped in the ass, but there's enough of a reach around that you can live with it alright, i'm in. grab the sex wax and shoe polish and wait in the barn with the others

i'll judge this one Saturday January 16th, or All Roker's Eve as my religion dubs it

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what if nigger meant kite

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Disorganized Religion | by Scyess 10-09-06

Hello, heathen. Let me save your soul by converting you. Get lost. I don't believe in organized religion. Don't worry. We're totally disorganized. Oh, yeah? What do you believe? I'm not sure, really. Sign me up!

Disorganized Religion ][ by Scyess 10-09-06

Welcome to the first meeting of our Disorganized Religion. Step one is to figure out what we belive. Why don't we have a god? Or maybe several? How about a father and a son? Yeah! And a cousin, and then some puppies! Oh, yeah. Definitely puppies. Puppies are key. Worship the puppies!

Disorganized Religion ]|[ by Scyess 10-09-06

All right! I've found a new religion, so we have to perform our pre-meal ritual before we eat. Okay. What is it? Uh, well... um... I kinda don't know yet. I can see why you find this life path so much more fulfilling. Hey! I said it was new, all right!

Disorganized Religion |V by Scyess 10-09-06

People are making fun of my newfound faith. I think I want out of your religion. Before you make that decision, check out what's in that box. PUPPIES! I'll never doubt again! Hallelujah!

Disorganized Religion V by Scyess 10-09-06

You heathen scum. You will find your false religion has not prepared you for damnation in the afterlife! Well, maybe not. But my religion has puppies! Puppies? That's your religion? Puppies? Yep! Loads of them! They're adorable! For some reason I find that irresistably appealing. But do you get to wrap ladies' underwear around your head? Not yet, but we can bring it up at the next meeting.

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"Old" is the old new.

Disorganized Religion V| by Scyess 10-09-06

A new religion is sweeping the world -- threatening to become the most popular movement ever. Our reporter Grape Levine interviewed its founder. So what is your religion all about? =============== Uh, what? =============== That's it? Puppies. =============== Puppies. =============== Maybe. We haven't really thought this through a whole lot. So it's not so much a religion as it is a... "dogma?" Ha ha! OW! Hey! OW!!! I've gotta sign me up for this shit.

Disorganized Religion V][ by Scyess 10-09-06

In a move that shocked the world, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today announced that Iran was replacing Islam as its official religion with puppies. "From now on, whenever the US does something stupid, we will simply smile and send them a fuzzy puppy," he said in a prepared statement. The US immediately reported a huge increase in the number of southeastern Asian immigrants wielding forks. The administration denies any correlation.

Remember I made these during the Bush administration:

Disorganized Religion V]|[ by Scyess 10-09-06

We've got to do something to put an end to this new "puppies" religion. It's eroding my fundamentalist base. Yes, Mr. President. What should we do? We've got to do something that wins the hearts and mind of Americans and the world. Let's slaughter all the puppies. I knew he was going to say that.

Disorganized Religion |X by Scyess 10-09-06

Have you converted yet? I don't know. Can your religion turn me back into an adult? Sure, why not? Yes! Can your religion give me a schlong the size of a semi? I guess so! Can your religion get me out from underneath a 30-ton schlong?

Disorganized Religion X: The God Couple by Scyess 10-09-06

Buddha, it seems like people are eschewing our respective religions for puppies. Indeed. My stock is already down 30% on the Universal Religious Exchange. I think it's time I took drastic action. You go, girlfriend. I've got your back. Blaaaaah! Look! I'm dying for your sins!!! That's so 1st century. Fetch a ball and yip adorably and we'll talk.

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"Old" is the old new.

Disorganized Religion X| by Scyess 10-09-06

C'mon! Doesn't anyone care! I'm dying for your sins over here! Isn't that more important than puppies, ferchrissakes! ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! YOU CAN RUB MY BELLY! HAPPY NOW?! Your belly doesn't look fuzzy to me!

Disorganized Religion X][ by Scyess 10-09-06

Tonight on Crossfire, two opponents vie for the love and support of the American people... Jesus Christ v.s. a puppy! Uh... Jesus? Could you please stop getting blood on our carpet? "Impartial panel" my sacrificial ass. Let the record show that I never messed on the carpet.

Disorganized Religion X]|[ by Scyess 10-09-06

I hope you're satisfied. Your religion is causing so much sectarian tension half the world is trying to kill the other half. So? Like you never did anything wrong. How many jaywalking tickets have you not paid? I hardly feel that's along the same lines as... Are you Jon? You're coming with me.

Disorganized Religion X|V by Scyess 10-09-06

People everywhere are at war. The death and destruction increases every day. The logical conclusion is that all civilization will descend into oblivion. But -- my god -- don't they know about the PUPPIES?! Did you hear about the puppies? They're so cute! They are! What the hell are we doing? Let's go pet them! ...and the whole world lived happily ever after. The end.

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"Old" is the old new.

Sally in "KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO" 1 by biped 11-18-07

KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO. What? "Kell-nesh go-lar-cho"? That doesn't mean anything, sweetie. Why...why are you saying it? KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO. KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO! KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO!!! (gasp) Stop it, Sally, stop it! You...you're SCARING ME! If you keep doing that I'm going to take you to the DOCTOR! Is it serious, doctor? What's wrong with her? WHAT'S WRONG with my precious little Sally? KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO. KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO! KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO!!!

Sally in "KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO" 2 by biped 11-18-07

KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO. KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO! KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO!!! KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO. KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO! KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO!!! "KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO. KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO! KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO!!!" What the FUCK?!? Sally's new religion is sweeping the world. We've already received 500 billion dollars in donations. Oh. Well...kell-nesh go-lar-cho.

Sally in "KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO" 3 by biped 11-18-07

Welcome to the holiest of the holy temple of Sally. I am Sally's mommy. KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO! And I am Sally's daddy. Deposit your life's savings on your way in. KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO! Sally! Why aren't you saying "KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO" anymore? Why? WHY??? I was just playing, Mommy. Can I have some Milk Duds? Uh, we'll be returning all of your money now. Please don't sue us. It was all just a funny joke, ha ha. Our Sally is very mischievous.

Sally in "KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO" 4 by biped 11-18-07

KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO!!! Oh, SHUT UP! Mommy, why is the 'lectricity off and everybody is in the streets crying? Well...society has collapsed and regressed back to the Dark Ages because of your funny game, sweetums. Did you complete your study of the Earth civilization so that our clone spies may infiltrate-- KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO. KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO! KELL-NESH...GO-LAR-CHO!!!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

CC 443 - Pathways - option 1 by lukket 1-04-10

Initiation Wouldn't it be nice if we could all be good to eachother? Never have I heard such truths. From now on I've converted to dogoodism. Institutionalisation And so bequoth the prophet: "Let thy actions be always of a benevolent nature to your next". Take 10% of my peasants' food as a simple tithe my good man. More institutionalisation The dogooodists believe that you should essentially do good stuff. Whatever

CC 443 - Pathways - option 2 by lukket 1-04-10

Initiation Wouldn't it be nice if we could all be good to eachother? Never have I heard such truths. From now on I've converted to dogoodism. Institutionalisation Please pay me 10% of your peasants' crops as a tithe. More institutionalisation Another Dogoodist has blown himself and several other persons up in a crowded bus earlier today. Damn Dogoodists!

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troelsea at gmail dot com

CC443: JudeLawism by thatsnotfunny 1-04-10

Though born genetically perfect, He won only a silver medal. Angered to not receive a gold one, He steppeth before a speeding car. Did he rise up, unharmed? Nay. Both His perfect legs were permanently lost. Dissatisifed with an earthly wheelchair existence, He then burneth himself in the incinerator. What kind of savior is this bozo? Before dying He sayeth: "Take of my hair and urine and blood. My DNA shall become your DNA, thus you will be an astronaut and lay with Uma Thurman." I'm in.

CC 443: ChristianDiorians by thatsnotfunny 1-04-10

Those girls had on so much perfume I was choking! What do they do, bathe in the stuff? Actually, yes. They're ChristianDiorians. Soaking in perfume is a religious rite. They believe it makes their God grant them fertility. Hmph. If I believed in God, I'd be afraid of getting hit with a lightning bolt for wearing pants with "JUICY" written across the butt. Not if your God didn't know how to read.

Middle East Park by choadwarrior 1-04-10

Phase 1: Blow up underpants. Phase 3: Prophet!

Would You Like Fries with That? by four_legged_tripod 1-05-10

Welcome to Religion King where you can have it your way. What can I get you? I'd like to have virgins whenever I wanted and some more virgins when I die. Would you like to super size that? Even more virgins? You bet! Great! I have two orders of morbidly obese mathletes. Anything else? No! Wait! That's not what I meant!

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

RCL no. 2116 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 1-05-10

Who did you say you are? God. God? I find that very hard to believe... Well... Have you ever heard of a talking plant before? Besides Nancy Pelosi? Besides Nancy Pelosi.

RCL no. 2117 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 1-05-10

I can't believe those jerks slammed the door on us. We barely had the chance to tell them why we came by, Jim. Some people are not comfortable talking religion with strangers, Frank. Did you see the way his wife looked at us? As if we're a couple of whack jobs, Jim. Well, we DO worship a giant chicken, Frank. Every religion has it odd quirks, Jim. True. But, us dressing up like Colonel Sanders isn't helping our recruitment, Frank.

CC 443 - rejected religion names by lukket 1-06-10

My religion is about using Apple products to hit other people. I call it iSlam. My religion is based on pure science, and I call it Scientology. My religion is based on the notion that all humans are just cut out figures that are manipulated by several gods. I call it Stripcreationism. My religion holds alcohol as the primary and holiest lifeform, and we call it Alcoholism. In my religion we believe that everyone is just buddies, so it's called Buddism. My religion mixes the teachings of Jesus with Japanese Buddhism. I call it Christianzen.

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troelsea at gmail dot com

RCL no. 2119 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 1-06-10

?   Thank you, my son. Wait. Did you just take a dump in my tip jar? Yes. I wanted to leave you a little something for your good service. What kind of gratuity is this? Try selling that "Jesus-shit" on ebay. I'm sure some well-to-do Christian zealot will pay top dollar for it.