Because I have occasional fits of attention-whorism, here's my picks for the unfunniest comics I did in a former life (and I have the herpes to prove it!):

Fetus Pot Pie by AtheistDiary 4-20-03

Can I help you? I\'m looking for a recipe for fetus pot pie. This is one of those moments where I should mind my own fucking business, isn\'t it? Indeed.

... A Book By It's Cover ... by AtheistDiary 4-21-03

looks can be decieving. yes, for example, I'm really Korean. And I'm really a transsexual Amish minister who likes to eat the feces of small Guatemalan children and rape elderly flight attendants with a switchblade tied to a cucumber! I guess he doesn't like Amish people.

 

Jumping the Gun by AtheistDiary 4-21-03

Awwww.... you're feeding your baby! How cute! Actually I'm injecting my baby with liquid crack. THAT'S TERRIBLE!! Jeez! I'm just kidding! Oh, ok. This baby is really yours.

 

Suffer the Lil' Chitlins by AtheistDiary 4-25-03

Jesus, what would help me to bring more people to the Lord? HOW ABOUT YA STOP MOLESTING KIDS, YA SICK FUCK! oh ... you know you really are a pain in the ass, JC. That's what my wife keeps telling me.

Summer's Eve Would Be Proud by AtheistDiary 5-27-03

Mom, have you ever had that not so fresh feeling? Are you telling me you have never douched?? I guess that would explain my craving lately for tartar sauce ...

 

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...and if you liked that one, here's a link to my other stupid shit.

Pedo Priest in Hell by AtheistDiary 10-09-03

Reverend_Pedophile, your sentence is to spend the rest of eternity here in Hell where your testicles will be filled with maggot eggs & your eyeballs will be repeatedly slammed in by red hot daggers... Your intestines will fall out of your ass, you will endlessly cough up bloody pus, and the flesh under your crotch will be slowly picked away by poisonous fire ants. But I do have some good news ... What's that? I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico.

Sneaky Bastards! by AtheistDiary 10-10-03

Welcome to the First Guidian Church of Christ. Wow! I've heard of you guys before, but never met a Guidian until now. What is it you guys do anyway? We work tirelessly to bring you many services of the Lord, including placement of fresh new bibles in every hotel room each night. That's funny. I was in my room every night last week and I didn't see any of you guys come to my door. and as the clock strikes midnight ... Done with all the rooms at Motel 6. No one saw a thing. We hire outside rescources.

Hasta la Vista, Cali! by AtheistDiary 10-13-03

Arnold, you've stated that you're pro-legalization of marijuana and prostitution, and you're for women's right including being pro-choice. But strangly you are anti-Gay Marriage. What's that about? I feel that marriage is a sacred union between an honorable man and his special, respectable woman only. Sounds more like you're afraid of tarnishing your own masculinity by voting for something that might make you look possibly gay. Did I mention I gang banged a bunch of sluts as a teenager?

 

Shows & Movies That Probably Wouldn't Make It by AtheistDiary 10-17-03

"Autopsies Gone Wild!" "Deliverance 2: The Second Cumming of Christ" "8 Simple Rules for Pimping My Preteen Daughter" "Chicken Soup for the Red Neck Racist Soul" "Letting the Healing Begin" with your host Osama bin Ladin "The Berenstain Bears Do Snuff"

(un)Holy Water by AtheistDiary 10-20-03

You american women crack me up. You buy tampons, a gallon drum of ice cream, 20 chocolate bars, and then a bottle of diet soda. Honestly, what is the point of the diet soda? Listen, Habib. Ring my god damn items up and hand 'em over before I rip off your head and shit down your mother fucking neck! Comprende', camel jockey?? Sounds like Sister Mary's "friend" is visiting again.

 

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...and if you liked that one, here's a link to my other stupid shit.

Ad Campaigns That Never Really Made It by AtheistDiary 10-27-03

"Preperation H - The Tooth Paste for Assholes!" "Vote for Schwartzenegar ... just because he sounds like a Nazi, doesn't mean he groped one!" "Road Kill: The OTHER White Meat!" "Try Anal Sex ... because it sure beats being 17 and knocked up!" "The Oven Master 5000! It's so handy, even Jews don't mind using it!" Wow ... I think I've reached a whole new low with this one.

One of the Dumbest Religious Strips I've Ever Made by AtheistDiary 10-27-03

Hello, son. If you have a moment, I'd like to talk to you about our Lord Jesus Christ. Ah, no need. He's in the backyard right now by the pool. um ... he is? Ya, come on. I'll show you. JC? What are you doing here?? Just hangin' out ...

Vigilante Telemarketers by AtheistDiary 11-14-03

Hello, sir. I would like to talk to you about switching to our brand new long distance service. Hey, wait a minute. I put my number on the No Call list months ago. What gives? Yes, sir, but we have actually found a great loophole. And that is? As it turns out, some of us don't give a fuck what you say. Wow, this sounds just like George Dubya's Iraq invasion plan.

Because We Care :) by AtheistDiary 11-27-03

Notice to Viewers: The DVD you are about to watch presents fictional accounts of intimate relationships. It was design to inform and to educate. The fictional relationships you are about to see do not exhibit the full range of a real life interpersonal relationship. Should the viewer want additional information on interpersonal relationships, please do not hesitate to write our company for a free brochure. All actresses in this presentation have been treated with the utmost care and respect, with extra special attention provided for their physical and emotional well being. Hey, what are you watching? The intro to "FREAKY SLUTS AND STUPID GANG BANG WHORES Vol. 3"

Oh Lord! Not Another Fucking Thanksgiving Comic Strip! by AtheistDiary 11-27-03

A long time ago the Native Americans and the Pilgrims came together to feast on Turkey and celebrate a peaceful friendship ... Wait wait wait ... why are you using me? I'm not Native American, I'm Arabic. ummm ... well, we really don't have a Native American character on here ... Ya, and I'm not really a Pilgrim, I'm Amish. Uh, well, there really isn't an icon for Pil- ... ya know what? Fuck it! Happy Fucking Thanksgiving, Assholes! What's a turkey? Does it taste like camel?

 

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...and if you liked that one, here's a link to my other stupid shit.

A Title Would Only Ruin the Punch Line by AtheistDiary 12-18-03

My bologna has a first name ..... it's O-S-C-A-R ... You should see what I've named my vagina.

Why I Hate Enzyte by AtheistDiary 1-03-04

This is Bob. Bob's livin' LARGE! That's because he decided to go BIG TIME with new clubs, new clothes, and a quick call to ENZYTE! Huh? I'm not sure I follow. And because of this NATURAL MALE ENHANCEMENT, within a few days Bob was the envy of all the neighborhood. And of course a little well earned respect ... Respect because of natural male enhancement? Did he dressed up like Tom Selleck and do the dishes or something? and a very HAPPY partner back at home. Look, fucker, why don't you just come out and tell me I need a bigger cock?

Why I Hate G. DUBYA Part DUH by AtheistDiary 1-09-04

First Bush ruins the US, then he ruins Iraq. What's next? Outer space?? And in a related story, President Bush has announced plans to send men to Mars. Ah crap.

... On a Pale White Horse ... by AtheistDiary 1-09-04

*commercial* *music* Oh dear god no ... *commercial* *music* OH SWEET MOTHER OF CHRIST!!!!!! *SLAM!* um ... why is Atheist locked in the closet and screaming something about the final sign of the apocolypse? Advertisers are trying to bring back Break Dancing.

Alabis: My Anti-Drug by AtheistDiary 1-12-04

Dear twig boy, I no longer have a crush on you so stop passing me notes in Ms. Marla's class! Lost in an oblivion ... my angish ... feels like an unfathomable living hell. The fatal blow she has delt shatters my soul into a million unrepairable, jaded little fragments ... My fate is clear now ... the only peace I shall ever know is in the gentle arms of somber death. Goodbye, cruel world. May you someday feel the magnitude of suffering that my existance has brought me. *SLITS WRISTS* It's ok. Just tell his parants you were too busy getting high. Actually I was busy butt fucking his sister, but I think I'll use that line instead.

 

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...and if you liked that one, here's a link to my other stupid shit.

Disclaimer for Previous Strip by AtheistDiary 1-12-04

In my last SC strip I poked fun at, and made light of, my dad's colon cancer. Although cancer is not usually a funny topic, I try to find some form of humor in all subjects. It keeps me sane when dealing with difficult situations. If you were offended by my last SC, I apologize. Not because it offended you, but because you've probably gone through something smiliar and it's hardened your sense of humor far more than it has mine I love my dad very much and I speak to him everyday when he's in the hospital. I try to do everything that I can to make sure that he is happy and is as healthy as humanly possible. Yes, folks, Atheist really is a sweety pie. Did I tell you to stop sucking? Back on your knees!

My Fart Will Go On and On by AtheistDiary 1-14-04

The first rule of Fart Club is: you do not TALK about Fart Club. The second rule of Fart Club is ... you do NOT TALK ABOUT FART CLUB. Third rule: if the fart stops, goes silent, craps out, the fart is over. Fourth rule: only 2 turds to a fart. Fifth rule: one fart at a time, fellas. Sixth rule: no gassex, no beano. Seventh rule: Farts will go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule: If this is your first night at Fart Club ... you have to fart. *poot*

FTC #19-5 by AtheistDiary 1-19-04

My GOD, that was the best show ever. Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards. Well, it's been a trademark of theirs. So, now that it's over, what you wanna do? Gay necrophelia? Of corpse!

FTC #19 - *POOP!* by AtheistDiary 1-20-04

My GOD, that was the best show ever. Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards. Well, it's been a trademark of theirs. So, now that it's over, what you wanna do? Later that day ... ... must ... hold ... in ... diarrhea ... Freebasing Exlax is pretty intense, ain't it?

The Future of the Atkins Fad (dammit, Ivy beat me to it) by AtheistDiary 1-21-04

Atkins TV: They have 30 days to lose 30 lbs or get their fat asses off the island. Aquafina: Zero Carbs. Guaranteed. Slutty Spunk Swallowers 7: NOW WITH FEWER CARBS!

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...and if you liked that one, here's a link to my other stupid shit.

Tad, Dis, and Genuous 3 by AtheistDiary 2-10-04

Tad and Genuous here from the law offices of Tad, Dis, and Genuous, attorneys at law. Does the story of Adam and Eve seem a bit too sexist? Did God renig on your prayer? Did Jesus eat your kitten? Call our law offices immediately and talk to our special clerical counselor about some legal options you may not have even been aware of! Tad, Dis, and Genuous: Biblical Justice with Modern Flair! You guys are going straight to Hell for this. Where do you think our private offices are located?

Tad, Dis, and Genuous 4 by AtheistDiary 2-11-04

Do "Wangs" and "Dongs" make you think of illegal gay marriage? Did being an AIDS groupie land you an unexpected STD? Did letting your neighbor's horse sodomize you give you painful, unrelenting gas? Did molesting those alter boys cause you premature ejaculation? Call us now and get the legal help you are entitled to for just PENNIES ON THE DOLLAR! At Tad, Dis, and Genuous we feel that no sex crime is too big! Well except maybe the Michael Jackson case. We fear "besmirching" his "good name".

WW#S: Worst Things to Say Before AND After Sex by AtheistDiary 2-14-04

Wow, you call that an erection? Thank god I took acting lessons. SURPRISE! YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!

WW#S: Ho Ho Wha? by AtheistDiary 2-15-04

Now that we're done, we can play Connect the Dots with the warts on my pussy!

I miss World's Worst competitions :( 

Of course I also miss IvythePlant, Honorable Ninja, Retard, and Crotch Crickets, too :( 

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...and if you liked that one, here's a link to my other stupid shit.

Atheist's Funeral Adventures by AtheistDiary 3-01-04

Hey, you're back! How was your father's funeral in Iowa? It actually went better than I expected, but there was an odd moment when they asked me if I wanted a burial plot right near my dad's. Yeah, I actually would prefer to be cremated and have my ashes scattered around in places I've always wanted to go but never could. Wow, same here. New Zealand, Scotland, Japan ... Gwen Stefani's butthole ...