Here's a thing of some of my recent comics that I've tossed off.

Raw News Feed by biped 5-06-12

...killed and devoured his mixed-doubles partner. Sally? Ha ha, that John McEnroe. Oh well, I'd still blow him. Back after these messages. What was that shit about you blowing John McEnroe? Ehh, nobody's watching anyway. Who going to care? Welcome back to the fuckin' news, assholes. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuckity fuck-fuck. Cunt. And now here's Chip with the fuckin' sports.

The Two "Birdso" Malones by biped 5-02-12

They call me "Birdso. "Birdso" Malone. What a coincidence. They call me "Birdso" Malone, too. You knew it had to happen someday, "Birdso."

The Two "Birdso" Malones 2 by biped 5-02-12

Hey, you're okay! Whew--I just heard that a "Birdso" Malone jumped off the roof. Not me. Must've been the other "Birdso" Malone. The...other "Birdso" Malone? Yeah. The wino. He lives in an alley. Wha...? Well, how many "Birdso" Malones are there? I don't know. How the fuck should I know that?

Tensin' Ensign by biped 4-29-12

Well, Doc? Is it... hemmorhoids? Worse, I'm afraid. It's...hamsterroids. HAMSTERROIDS? OH, MY GOD!!! Now, now, Ensign Benson. There are ways of dealing with this problem. Wait, so you're wearing a...a HAMSTER WHEEL in your pants? Well, I err, uhh... hey, me for some of these yummy "oyster puffs"!

Chip's Beef by biped 4-29-12

This is MY microphone! It's MINE, and YOU can't talk into it! DAMMIT Chip, hold out that cruddy microphone so your interview subject can talk into it! NO, Sally! It's mine! MINE! Chip, that microphone is the property of the STATION! Not YOU! Now stop being such a wiener and DO YOUR JOB! Well, okay but...oh, he went away. Well, that's just great. Now we'll have to go with that backup story on Jack Black's hemmorhoids.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Gorgeous Gramps at the Fights by biped 4-29-12

So Gorgeous Gramps, what did you think of tonight's big bout? Oh, it was a jim dandy! I especially liked it when Man-Meat McCoy applied the atomic piledriver to the Embalminator in round two. And then there was the time when-- Err...I'm sorry, Gorgeous Gramps, but I can't...it's just... I...I (drool) Omigod, you're just so...so GORGEOUS!!! (pant, pant, pant, pant) Tarnation! This happens ever' dadgum time I try to comment on the rasslin'. Yes, yes. Of course. Sorry about that, Gorgeous Gramps. Oh, that's okay, sonny. It's just the price I pay fer bein' so dern gorgeous.

Dateline News by biped 4-19-12

...and in other news, feminists protest the new "men and children first" rule for ship sinkings. DATELINE: DETROIT! Local officials pledge to clean up what has been called "a deluge of cat shi--" Wait a minute, what's this "DATELINE" crap? It's, uhh, dramatic. I thought it might perk up the ratings. DATELINE: KNOTTS BERRY FARM! Log ride mishap injures birthday clowns-- children sad. DATELINE: HIGGINS ELEMENTARY! This week's school lunch schedule has been announced.

Slipped Update by biped 4-22-12

And now, the latest updates on the case of George Zimmerman and Trayvon-- OH MY GOD, I AM GETTING SO... FUCKING...TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT THAT SHIT!!! Uh (ahem)...said Rush Limbaugh on his radio show recently. Back after these messages. Nice save. Thank god for Rush Limbaugh.

The Big Walk-In by biped 4-19-12

Ted, about those concert arrangements, I--ULP!!! EEEEEEEEK!!! Get out! GET OUT!!! You look shaken, Phil. What happened? You'd be shaken too, if you just found out that Ted Nugent is really (gulp) A WOMAN!!! ...and in entertainment news, Ted Nugent is really a woman. Oh fuck me, and I just masturb--uhh, bass fishing tournament. Master bass fishing tournament. Tomorrow. Be there. Aloha.

THE GLAD LADS II starring Blaine Rivers and Floyd Reynolds by biped 4-19-12

Look! Me found kitty cat! Me glad you found kitty cat! Me glad you glad me found kitty cat! Me glad you glad me glad you found kitty cat! Eighty-seven years later... ...me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad... ...you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you found kitty cat!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

The Salt-Lick by biped 3-12-12

These public salt-licks are for sharing, sir...not fighting over. But he was hogging all the salt! Sir, the sign clearly states that each person gets one full minute with the salt-lick before-- ONE MINUTE IS A FUCKING ETERNITY WHEN YOU'RE WAITING FOR THE SALT-LICK!!! Try waiting for the salt-lick in prison... and then bending over to use it. Is that what you want? I...I never thought of it that way.

The Family Salt-Lick by biped 3-12-12

Mom! Sally's hogging the family salt-lick! SALLY! YOU SHARE THAT SALT-LICK WITH YOUR BROTHER! Way to be a big, fat tattletale, Bobby! Way to be a big, fat salt-lick hog, Sis! Ed, we really need to get the kids their own salt-licks. PFFFT! When I was a kid, we licked the salt off our own arms and legs!

The Presidential Salt-Lick by biped 3-21-12

Disturbing news, Mr. President. I'm afraid someone... has been using your salt-lick. WHAT? But, that's MY salt-lick! Nobody's supposed to use it except ME! And maybe Michelle. And...mmm...err... Rush Limbaugh. Excuse me, sir... Rush Limbaugh? He is a staunch enemy to your administration and everything it and you stand for. You're right...you're right. Let Rush Limbaugh get his OWN salt-lick. Heh, heh, heh. What the fuck are you talking about?

The Heartbreak of E.S.P. Syndrome by biped 3-23-12

...so I'm stuck in this position even when I'm, like, in repose and shit. It's causing, uh, intimacy prob-- Look, that's just the way you're drawn. I'm sorry, but there's no cure for "extreme single pose" syndrome. ...and as I was telling a previous patient, I'm afraid you're just going to have to learn to live with it. If you say so, doctor. Well, there goes my social life. Must you always dress like a slut? It's my mom's funeral, damn it! Well, what about you? You look like you just won the fucking lottery!

Latrine-O the Military Clown by biped 3-25-12

LATRINE-O the Military Clown reporting for duty, general sir! Fine, fine! Proceed at once to sector B and entertain the troops as they die! Doodly-doo! She'll be comin' roun' the mountain! Yodel-ay-dee-hoo! Wheee! Ha, ha--HURK!!! MY LIVER!!! Sir, one of our cannonballs just killed the enemy's clown! Took his head right off! Excellent, sergeant major! Make sure our men get a good, hearty laugh out of it!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

The Amplification of Bucky Masturbate by biped 4-05-12

Have you wondered why I'm unusually quiet today, Dick? It's because my penis, testicles, and anus are receiving radio transmissions, and I am endeavoring to discern-- I...AM...TRYING... TO...TAKE...A... PISS...BUCKY!!! YAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAA!!! The adjustments are complete, boss. We've realigned the satellite feed for maximum output. Well then, turn that cocksucker up to full power and let's blast the motherfuckin' doors off. HOLY GOOD GRIEFITY FUCK FUNGUS!!! I'M EJACULATING THE 4TH MOVEMENT OF BEETHOVEN'S 9TH SYMPHONY AND DEFECATING THE WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE!!! MOM-MEEE!!!

Hubert's Continuing Quest For Love by biped 3-16-12

Speaking of music, one of my favorite bands is Genesis. That is, before Peter Gabriel-- Oh, I just LOVE "I Can't Dance" and "Invisible Touch"! They're my favorite pop band! Well? How did this one go? Fine, Mother. Right up until the point when I had to kill her.

Burp of a Nation by biped 3-12-12

Mommy, why does everybody want to see Pres'dent Obama's burp certificate? "Burp certificate"? Oh, ha ha! You mean BIRTH certificate! (Tee hee! How cute!) So, like, what in the world is all this nonsense about a burp certificate? We're looking into it now, Mr. President. Meanwhile, we'll continue to stall. Sir, the president of NOW is here again. She wants to discuss-- I know, I know... partial burp abortions. My god, has the whole world gone mad?

Real-Life Comics 2 by biped 3-10-12

I only make comics that are based on my very own real-life observations and experiences. Ah. I see. Hmm. "I only make comics that are based on my very own real-life observations and experiences." "(DROOL) ME WANT FUCK HOT BITCH (GNONG) TITS ASS *SLUURRP* GRRRR! WOOF!!! WOOF!!!" "OW-WOOOOO!!!" Fucking PERVERT.

Morgue & Mindy by biped 3-10-12

So, Mindy, you'll be responsible for maintaining the actual, uh, morgue area during our off hours. Hope you're not too squeamish. I...I think I can handle it. WOO-HOO!!! I'm like a kid in a candy store!!! (DROOL) Oh sweet, shy Gary...always waiting for me to make the first move...

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Bubblegum Day by biped 3-10-12

Are...are you chewing bubblegum? (smack) Yeah, the boss (smack) handed out bubblegum today. Mmm-boy (smack) This sure is good bubblegum. (smack) But, I didn't get any. Sir, um...I think you may have forgotten something. Hmm? Oh yes, how silly of me, Splet. You're fired.

Blah-Ending Comics by biped 3-10-12

Hi, I'm Dick. They call me "Big Dick." Because I'm so... uhh... Here at "Date Club", we do not tolerate sexual harrassment. Therefore, you are permanently banned. No, YOU we do not tolerate sex...her ass...meant...(sniff)

Proposition 13 by biped 3-09-12

Will you marry me now, Mrs. Hudson? Alan, you really need to stop coming around here. Not yet.

O.B.E. (Office Basement Event) by biped 3-09-12

Whatcha doin', Mr. Jorlorff? That's Mister Mr. Jorlorff to you, Splet. And for your information, I'm playing long-distance soccer. Long (ahem)... uhh...long-distance s-soccer? GOOOOOOOOAL!!!

Captain Bombs by biped 3-06-12

Way to go, Captain Bombs. Once again, you've foiled crime by bombing everything and everyone involved, including an orphanage, an old folks' home, and a maternity ward. Yes, everything seems to be well-bombed. Time to hop into the Bomb-mobile and dash back to the Bomb Shelter. BOMBS, BOMBS AWAAAY!!! Captain Bombs! Emergency! The First National Bank is being robbed! HOLY WITHDRAWALS, COMMISSIONER!!! I'D BETTER RAIN HUNDREDS OF BOMBS DOWN ON IT RIGHT AWAY!!!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

The "Besame Mucho" Goat by biped 3-06-12

"Besame...besame muuuu-choooo..." Oh, I LOVE that song!!! Well...I'm afraid I don't know the rest of it. Just those two words. SING THEM!!! SING THEM OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!! "Besame...besame muuuu-choooo... besame...besame muuuu-choooo... besame...besame muuuu-choooo..."

The Squirrel of Gothos by biped 3-06-12

Kirk to Enterprise! Activate squirrel-o-tron beam on these coordinates! Ha ha ha! Now we're squirrels... SQUIRRELS! Squirrel-o-tron conversion of Captain Kirk and innocent bystander successful, Mr. Spock. Noted. Carry on. Wait, what?

Father O'Mallard Meets Mr. Birdy by biped 2-27-12

Oh my, what fun--it's "Mr. Birdy", the talking anti-drugs bird. (chuckle) Hello, Mr. Birdy. SQUAWK! Hi, there! Don't take drugs! Because as we all know, drugs are really, really bad for you, and-- Son, I've decided that if you defy my wishes, and marry that sinful, gold-digging whore, I'm disinheriting you. Well, as far as I'm concerned, Father, you can go straight to hell and suck Hitler's warty, diseased cock.

Bubbles in: "The Foolish Clown" by biped 2-21-12

...way back in the hill country where dog-rape is the number one crime. Dog-rape. Repeat after me...dog-rape... dog-rape... Dog-rape...dog-rape... I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! DOG-RAPE!!! DOG-RAPE!!! Can I help you? No, I just want you to know that my Timmy doesn't need horrible references to "dog-rape" with his Cheezy Pup.

Debbie Duz Doofus by biped 2-09-12

Guess what, Dad? I just got a RAGING BONER! Uh-huh, that's great, son. Daddy's watching "CSI Miami" now. Mom! I just caught Billy peeking through my window blinds! Oh, ha ha, boys will be...wait a minute. Who the fuck are you? It's a common problem, Debbie. We call it "Richie Cunningham's Older Brother Syndrome."