Hi all,

More new comics from the person who brought you Time Biscut Man and The Latter Day Christ Luv Players, both of which have found an audience.

I'm just as shocked as you are.

We begin with the shameful desecration of the pirate myth:

The Seafaring Adventures of Captain Gruntass, Part 1 by Riotmoon 6-20-03

Pat 1: Captain Gruntass, 30 days out of Tijuana, sails the Seven Seas on his ship of the valkyries, actually his floating whorehouse and sole source of income. ARR! Patty McBreasts, me first matey! How fares the crew? Badly, Captain. The lower decks rumble with talk of mutiny and lack of depilatory cream, also, the officers are grumbling about their inability to manage a stable relationship in a world gone mad. ARR! Sure'n these lassies haven't fergot that we're PIRATES! PIrates have no TIME for Cartesian Dualism! Actually sir, we're not pirates, we're poorly paid prostitutes. Arrr. . .that would explain the lack of cutlasses, cannons and the proliferation of black G-strings and vibrators, wouldn't it? . . .well, yeah.

Followed by wanton abuse of the now-infamous Tobor character, posted months after I heard that Tobor was "played." Sorry guys.

Victorian Robot Pornography by Riotmoon 6-20-03

In an effort to bring culture to the masses and at the same time tittlate your libido, we present the following dignified pornography about two robots I say, dear girl. Tobor would love very much to very dignifiedly bolt his nuts to your rectal socket. Oh but Tobor! The scandal visted upon our families by finding you illegintaely plugging your groinal hose in my rectal socket would destroy our families AND decent society. Oh god, you're right. You don't understand my dear. Being a man with urges to cornhole in this restrictive age is so. . .hard Oh, I know, my dear Tobor, but in this age, family and power are everything and so we must disguise our baser urges in the only way we know how. You mean. . .rape the butler with the doorknob while you read from the latest issue of Popular Mechanics? Of course! You get your petticoats on, I'll get the Vaseline!

To add further insult to injury, I present a touching recreation of a shitty movie sequel by a shitty church drama company in a tale I am required by law to call

The Latter Day Christ Luv Players in "Grease 2" by Riotmoon 6-21-03

I feel like I should apologise in advance for using such a crappy movie as the source for this one. . . I'm NOT, but I feel like I SHOULD We're going PROWLIN! For JESUS! There's a female butcher at the luncheon meat display! Got teh best tongue for JESUS! I want a COOL RIDER! JESUS is your Cool Rider! He rode a Holy DONKEY! And the DONKEY was cool! Ladies and Gentlemen, our special guest. . .JESUS! Oh JESUS! Just when I found you I lost you! Remember, I love you. . .I won't be far away . . .Baby close your eyes, and think of yesterday. . .

And following up on the Tobor thing from a few lines above, I decided to combine Tobor and Time Biscut Man in a romantic story I am certainly going to hell for. Soak in the madness:

Exciting AND Brand New! by Riotmoon 7-17-03

On the coast of Fistfuck, NC (which has a coast because say so) the good ship Syphilitic Lady under the command of Captain Gruntass has come on a mission of love. ARRR! First Matey McBreasts, how goes this here pleasurin' cruise? About as you'd expect on a ship full of itchy prostitutes and sexual deviants sir. Oddly mellow with an musty undercurrent of danger. I don't hold out much hope for our success . . . We WILL be succeedin in our mission of love! I feel it in me nut! . . .I think that's the crabs, sir. But NO! Even now on the forward decks, a love connection that could only happen on a crazy summer night on a floating whorehouse is taking place . . . . . .so that's the secret? Cornholing and gingerbread men? RRARRR! No! Gingerbread men, THEN cornholing!

Ship of Fools by Riotmoon 7-17-03

Tobor and Time Biscut Man continue their awkward courtship You know Tobor, I've been a cofnirmed sheepfucker all my life, but your cornholing ways excite and arouse me Tobor has never fucked a sheep. Tobor has settled for hurtful one-night stands with cowboys. Tobor, I . . . Be gentle, Time Biscut Man. Tobor chafes easily. Later that night . . . Baaaaaa . . . RARR! Time Biscut Man, you toy with Tobor's affections!

[Click to view comic: 'Captain Gruntass in "Depilatory Epilogue"']

I'd say "enjoy," but it seems so wrong considering most of these are about a syphilitic pirate, a sheepfucking superhero, a buttfucking robot and lots of jokes at Jesus' expense.

So uh, yeah.

"Played" or not, Victorian Robot Pornography was freakin' funny! Ship of Fools too!

Then, there are those that say that most of my brain cells were killed by a massive O.D. of Flintstones Chewables when I was 8...

God, Why is there no Betty Chewable??? Why, God, WHYYYYY?!?!?!?!?

Time to purge...

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[i]"For the love of beatings, I plunder until my loins find satisfaction!!" [/i]