...today on Today, Terrorism! Death! Destruction! Bin Laden! Saddam! Crazy people in London! Oh boy, are we scared!
The terror alert color thingy is at Orange! That's right, I said it! ORANGE! Drive-Bys! Cellphones cause cancer! Your kids are out having sex and shooting up right now!
Hurricanes! Tornadoes! Floods! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! Oh Lord, the Apocalypse is coming!
Morbid Obesity! Rabid Dogs! Dirty Video Games! Holy shit, I need a valium!
Whew. Ok Matt, what's next?
Hey Katie, check out the crowd outside our studio! All happy and shit! Totally oblivious to the fact that the world could end at any fucking minute!
