somnambulist  

You know, if you didn't eliminate the vegetarians, you could probably cut down on those who exceed your weight requirements.

Actually, less than you'd think. Lack of meat doesn't equal lack of cake, with the exception of vegans, but they're extra irritating. And I'm allergic to soy.

I see. Maybe we need to try an entirely different approach. What is most important to you in a partner?

I described it once before*, but to sum it up: Nerd love, set exclusively to the tune of hair band power ballads.

Well, I'm not sure I understand the appeal, but there must be someone out there for you.

Even if that's true, it probably means that she essentially learned everything she knows about love from strings of cliches bellowed by alcoholic hobos.