As the comics contest celebrates its 50th anniversary, sort of, so too does the award-winning TV anthology The Hallmark Hall of Fame. This cannot be a coincidence. Therefore the CC Gold Jubilee shall have a cinematic theme.

Rules:

1. The protagonist must be a gumshoe, newshound, archaeologist, astronaut, dedicated wife and mother suffering from a grave and fashionable illness, or similarly heroic character.

2. The protagonist must be in search of something or someone interesting-- a "maguffin" of your choosing.

3. Said maguffin may not be identified explicitly. Its identity must be elaborately implied.

4. The antagonist in the scene (not necessarily a villain or archrival, but at least someone in the way) must speak ONLY in cliches and must get them WRONG.

5. Other characters and setting elements are optional.

6. Feel free to Photoshop, embed animation, defile syndicated strips, or whatever else your horrible mind disgorges. Or use standard stripcreator elements. Whatever.

7. Your entry may be a multi-parter. Hell, make it an epic. Or not. But if it is multipart, make it hang together.

7a. Rule 7 does not apply to Crabby, who may enter only between zero (0) and one (1) strip(s), inclusive.

8. The contest shall be judged first thing Monday morning, which for me is 10ish EST.

9. See if you can think me up a chocolate donut, one with those little sprinkles on top.

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9. See if you can think me up a chocolate donut, one with those little sprinkles on top.

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Donut? Maguffin? How 'bout a chocolate covered malteze falcon?

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

I can't fit a fucking Hitchcock film into a three panel strip. I can't, I can't, I CAN'T!! Not even a bunch of three panel strips!! *snif*

I think I can hook you up with a doughnut, though.

Love,

bunner

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I wanted my half in the middle and I wound up on the edge.

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9. See if you can think me up a chocolate donut, one with those little sprinkles on top.

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No thanks. Thinking of you up a donkey is horrifying enough.

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Just a scene, right? Not the entire freaking drama?

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Nonsense!

Psycho in Three Frames. by kaufman 8-02-01

What a nice hotel! I think I'll just take a shower. o/` EEE-EEEE-EEE-EEEE-EEE-EEEE-EEE-EEEE-EEEEEE o/` Norman, you come in right now! You have a hotel to manage. Ok, mom.

Not an entry, needless to say.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Private Pecker Spankling in Wide Panel, Dead Slut by Spankling 8-02-01

She sprawled on my thread-bear rug like a worn out pink donkey. Only this donkey was done braying. The hole in her belly as big as LadyJ's rack told me_she_wouldn't_be_going_to_see_wirthling_no_more. You're in the coal mine with no canary now, Spanks. If the Penguin thinks you did this it'll be draperies for you. And if the cops get windy you wont be a private pecker no more! Of course... And me with a shooter in my shorts with her lipstick and fingerprints all over it. Things didn't look good, and only got uglier when Gabe walked in. Of course what? Cough it up Gabe! Do you know who did this? No, but I have a tinkling of an idea. But you'll need the proof, and he caries it with him - never lets it out of his pants. Him? Him who? Make sense man! What does he carry?!? For crying out the window! Don't eat my panties for brunch!

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Yeah, either/or.

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I can't fit a fucking Hitchcock film into a three panel strip. I can't, I can't, I CAN'T!! Not even a bunch of three panel strips!! *snif*

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Not an entry ...

Casting Call! by kaufman 8-02-01

Many applicants for the role of the 'Antagonist' ... Well, well, I see the shoe is on the other ear now! Badges? Ooh, that's a nice one. Can I have it please? No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to PAY. You can fool some of the people some of the time, and all of the people all of the time, but you can't fool none of the people none of the time. Every one of your bases is now in our possession. An elephant never ... uh, an elephant nev... LINE!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

You probably won't get what the reference is about. But if anyone wants to take a shot at it, go ahead.

CC 50: Just guess what he's after by NeoVid 8-02-01

My name's Pete, and I'm a (sorta maverick) cop. Right now there's a supernatural creature trying to stop me... Shoulda known that I'd have to deal with freaky $#!+ when this started. If you want to get any farther, you'll have to deface me! This is the last thing I need when I'm low on ammo. If I can't get past this @$$wipe, this might never end.... I'll give you ten seconds to get out of my way. PREPARE TO DOOM YOUR MEAT! If I can't break this curse, I'll be stuck narrating myself and censoring my %^$*in' swear words forever! Huh... one bullet and it's down. How can this be?! I am indivisible!

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"Only things I approve of should exist." -some guy on the internet

You know, this suddenly reminded me of the Evil Overlord List. The perfect resource for cliché-lovers everywhere.

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"Only things I approve of should exist." -some guy on the internet

My favorite...

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

Shit, there's no way I'm winning this one...

Oh well, I'll at least try... later.

CC 50: Tyler Durden... P.I. by Drexle 8-02-01

Okay, look... The deal was that you give me the info, and I give you a ticket outta town before the cops roll in. So what's the scoop? You're sure we've got a dole, man? I mean, I don't wanna get nailed over... find myself on the short end of the shrimp, you know? You've got my word as a private dick. I have the ticket right here in my pocket... so spill it. Here's what I know about the hoist... The crock pots took the Gods to the warehouse on 65th street. They're stitched in a crater in the back. But wait... THIS is the warehouse on 65th street! You mean to tell me the goods are stashed here? No, the "Gods" are "stitched" in the warehouse on 65th street. Weren't you lascerating? Now where's my ticker outta this point?

CC 50: Hallmark Presents Election Eve 2000 by kaufman 8-03-01

Ha, just what I, Al Gore, need to win the White House and save the land. Not even that pesky nitwit will be able ... W! What are you doing here? It isn't over till the thin lady purges. You're still in the bubble, Al! Hey, I can call you Al! Leave it alone. I need to save the environment and reduce the national debt. Ha! You say "tomato", I say "potato." Posterity is right around the corner. See, it's not if you win or lose, but how you place the blame. But what will the people think when they look at us squabbling like this? Never have so few done so little for so many. Remember, there's no "W" in "team."

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Like Donuts for Beer by NastyPope 8-03-01

The night was sultry, so sultry I coulda licked the sweat off my own balls. If only I was that flexible. My name is Richard Cranium, I'm a ballet instructor... I'm also an Isolated Phallus I was hired by some ninny to locate a special donut. A chocolate one with sprinkles on it. Go figure. 'scuse me, Dollface. You would'nt know where I could locate a special donut would you ? Ya know, questions like that really chap my lips. Why dontcha try a donut shop. Regular frickin Dr Watson here. Salty Bitch, she'd go good on pretzels and a beer, but I didnt have time for fun. Hmmmm, a donut shop. Maybe the scabby wench was onto something. Did I happen to mention it was a Sultry Night ?

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At least im still funny .....looking. http://www.carrionfields.com

http://www.stripcreator.com/view.php?ID=29959

My mom went to Camelot and all I got was this lousy Grail by evil_d 8-05-01

Nyah, copper. You'll never make me talk. I ain't no stool chicken. I'm not a cop and I don't care what you know. I'm an archaeological detective (and a devoted wife and mother!) and I'm on a quest for a rare artifact. I've had enough of your meddling! Now you die! But before I kill you, there's one thing I must know... what does this artifact look like, anyway? Kinda cup-shaped, golden, jewel-encrusted, glows with a divine light. You'll know you've got it from the heavenly choirs that start singing when you touch it. Oh, that thing. It's replaced my favorite beer mug. Tastes great, less damning! But now you want to just jitterbug in here and take it, eh? It seems I'm in a bit of a cucumber. Personally, I'm envisioning you in a heavy cream sauce with some pasta.

This is an entry. I couldn't fit "CC50" on the title line, nor could I figure out how to shorten the title, but I liked it too much to do away with it.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

CC 50: On a Sesame Seed Pun by kaufman 8-02-01

My fast food empire is teetering on the brink of ruin. The formerly golden arches are now tarnished a sickly green. Opening at 11 AM just isn't cutting it. I MUST find a way to be able to serve breakfast! And thus he set out on his quest. Finally ... Aha! Just what I need! May I take a dozen? Not so fast -- this nest ain't big enough for the two of us. Now back away slowly, and no one gets a speeding ticket. But please! It could save the whole economy! Don't count your biscuits before they're hatched. A bird, even unborn, in the bush is worth two in the hand, you know.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Why so few entries? I thought everyone liked needlessly difficult rules.

Now, judgement.

I had a mouthful of hot coffee when I read NeoVid's immortal declaration, "prepare to doom your meat." Somehow I mastered the urge to spew the coffee onto my computer screen.

Drexle gets the prize for Most Twisted Perversion of Cliches Ever.

NastyPope's strip was a strong second, as he went to the trouble of trying to think me up a chocolate donut, and of being funny in the process.

Evil_d deserves special mention for "stool chicken." Lucky for him the Pun Police were on strike.

But the Cordon DeVille goes to Kaufman. This strip works on so many levers. Casting the Dubya-shaped Exploding Dog guy as Dubya was a stroking of genius. In the sphere of comics, I am merely a Salieri to Kaufman's Beethoven. Many happy reruns, Kaufman, for a winner is you.

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