What are five TV shows I don't watch, Alex?

I was struck by the serendipity that Pete Townsend died in Vegas and CSI's theme song is "Who Are You?"

CSI: Who the fuck are you? by CHUBBY 10-03-04

So, he was a musician? Are you kiddin' me, Gil? That's John Entwistle, the most famous bass player in the world. You don't know him? I stopped listening to pop music when Glenn Miller died. He and his band were supposed to start their comeback tour tonight at the hotel. cont.... Well, I guess we should talk to them first. What's the name of the band? The band. The group. The combo. The recording artists. The rockers. The musicians. The singers of songs. The performers. The Who. The Who. The Who. The Who. The Who. The Who. The Who. The Who. The Who.

CSI: Who the fuck are you? 2 by CHUBBY 10-03-04

This is no time for games, Nick. I'm asking you, John Entwistle was with the who? I'm telling you, John Entwistle was with The Who. You're not telling me. You're asking me. Look: If I went down to the record store to buy one of their albums, I would go down to the record store and ask for the who? Naturally. cont.... So I'd go down and ask for the new LP by Naturally? No, you'd go down and ask for the new album by The Who.

CSI: Who the fuck are you? 3 by CHUBBY 10-03-04

Previously, on CSI. No, you'd go down to the store and ask for The Who. Naturally. So, that's the bassplayer from The Who? Naturally. Jim, can you explain it to Gil, please? Hey, what do I look like, a Gil foil? Maybe the theme music will ring a bell.

I actually wrote this before they did last week's episode:

JAG: Military music is to music as military justice is to... by CHUBBY 10-03-04

0900 ZULU: WASHINGTON, DC Sir, we can't prosecute this man for burning prisoners at Abu Ghraib. He was a civilian contractor, and he's not subject to our rules because, to cut costs, he wasn't even hired by the Defense Dept. Who the hell did hire him? The Department of the Interior. Remember, only you can prevent forest fires.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Without a Trace (of Reality) by CHUBBY 10-03-04

So long, Bubba. See you next week! (wink) Bye, Cindy Lou. I'm gonna go home and get some shuteye. (wink) Three hours missing.... Bin-Laden's in NYC and he's got a dirty nuke! Never mind that... Bubba Jones is missing! Hunk! Call Interpol! Blondie! Comb his high school yearbook for clues! Token Negress! Canvass every building in a 100-mile radius! What are you waiting for?

Without a Trace (of Reality) B by CHUBBY 10-03-04

Previously, on Without a Trace. What are you waiting for, people! Don't you know if a missing person isn't found in the first six hours, he may never be? Let's go, go, go! Nobody can understand your thick Australian accent, boss. Where are you off to-- Kevin Costner's dialect coach? No, I'm off to see Bubba's wife-- that is, if she's not already-- the WIDOW JONES! Cue scary chord and commercial! Sunday night on CBS... more of the same! 8:00 NAVY NCSI 9:00 JAG: Public Health Service 10:00 CSI: Fumbuck And tonight on THE LATE SHOW, Dave laughs it up with his guest, "Dick" Cheney!

Without a Trace (of Reality) C by CHUBBY 10-03-04

Four hours missing... Were you on them battery commercials? No, ma'am. The past six weeks when your husband "disappeared" we found out he cashed his check at the liquor store when he got off the swing shift and met the receptionist at the Motel 5 for "lunch". Well, I s'pose he could be there now... Hey was you on "JAG"? No, ma'am. Four and a half hours missing... So long, babe. Thanks for the use of the hall! Oh, hello G-men!

Without a Trace (of Reality) D by CHUBBY 10-03-04

Well, NYC's history. Yeah, but Bubba's safe! HAHAHAHAHAHA *The president of the George "Goober" Lindsay Fan Club If you've seen this missing person, please contact your local FBI-- oh, never mind, he just walked in. Coming up on I'm Witless News: Is your spouse cheating on you? And the president* dies. Film at 11.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Chungchung.

Law & Order by CHUBBY 10-03-04

Well, I just think Dubya sucks! Oh, c'mon-- "Dick" is much worse. Hey, a corpse! Call 911! Chungchung. He didn't have any id on him. Well, they don't check id where he's going. Cue theme! To be continued on "Law & Order: SUV" What are you doing around here? You waitin' fo' the suspect to turn himself in? Yeah, actually. Hey, you look great. You been on Atkins?

Law & Order: SUV by CHUBBY 10-03-04

Chungchung. Look, Fats, you don't want a lawyer. You want another cheeseburger. You can have one if you confess. Ok, whatever. Chungchung. We have a confession, eyewitnesses, your DNA all over the scene (ew), and your fingerprints on the murder weapon, which is registered to you. If you plead guilty, I'll sterilize the needle. Deal? To be continued on "Law & Order: CSI" No deal, Jack. My client asked for a lawyer and didn't get one. So all the evidence gets thrown out. Poisonous fruit tree and all that. Here's my motion to suppress. I'll argue inevitable discovery.

Law & Order: CSI by CHUBBY 10-03-04

Chungchung. Inevitable discovery, my ass! Your free to go, sir. Thank you, your highness. Chungchung. Well, well, if it ain't Fats' long-lost twin brother! You're under arrest, and this time, I'm gonna advise you of your rights! To be continued on: "Law & Order: Crime & Punishment". Your honor, my client has close ties to the community-- McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King. We're asking that you pay us bail. He killed a man for a hamburger on Tuesday. The people ask a million billion squintillion dollars.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Law & Order: Crime & Punishment by CHUBBY 10-03-04

Chungchung. Would you confess for a hamburger? Sure. DOH! You tricked me! Chungchung. We find the defendant guilty as hell, your honor. Chungchung. Well, Serena, you don't teach a hound dog to sing by nailin' his tail to the floor. Yes, Arthur, but we almost sent an innocent man to the-- what does that mean, anyway?

Cold Case, NJ by CHUBBY 10-03-04

On March 1, 1932, Charles Lindbergh, Jr. was kidnapped from his nursery and murdered. Bruno Richard Hauptmann was framed for the crime, but the murderer was probably Charles Lindbergh Sr. Well, his widow must have helped cover it up. Let's bring her in and lean on her. We have a letter from you to your mother, just a week after the kidnapping, where you don't even mention it! What's up with that? Oh, my heart! What happened? I don't know, something went wrong. But before she died, I'm pretty sure she confessed everything.

Cold Case, Dallas by CHUBBY 10-03-04

On November 22, 1963, President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Lee Harvey Oswald was framed for the crime, but he was killed before he could be tried. Do we have any suspects? A Texas businessman called in a tip to the FBI a few days earlier that JFK would be killed-- in Houston, diverting resources away from Dallas. He also had motive, means, and opportunity. Let's get him! George Herbert Walker Bush! Freeze, asshole!

Joan of Arcadia: What if God Was One of Us? by CHUBBY 10-03-04

Joan, you must go to the White House and say psspsspsspss... Um, OK, God. DUBYA SUCKS! Secret Service. Freeze! When you get out, go to the Emmy awards and psspsspsspss... Let Your Will be done!

The conclusion of Joan of Arcadia: What if God Was One of Us by CHUBBY 10-03-04

And the nominees for best "Law & Order" knockoff are... hey, who are you? Security! DUBYA SUCKS "DICK"! Please, God... for the love of You... tell me why you're doing this! Is that her? Yeah. She'll think you're God... don't ask, it's a long story. There's $50 in it for you if you tell her that tonight, after her parents go to bed, she's to go to her brother's room and give him oral.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Pete Townsend's alive and playing guitar.
Roger Daltrey's alive and spinning microphones.
John Entwistle's a late bassist who shuffled off this mortal coil in the city where they need a lot of shuffling off to prevent card counting.
Keith Moon's the reason the Afterlife will be totally trashed by the time you get there.
Kenny Jones is an afterthought.

Buy yourself a copy of Who's Who.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I didn't know Pete Townsend was a bass player or was dead.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

And argueably, Paul McCartney is the most famous bass player in the world, even though he didn't want to play bass.

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"Nihilism makes me smile."

That's what I meant.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx