The Church of Arse is not the first time Big Evil Dan and I have taken a perfectly good joke and run it mercilessly into the ground. What follows is the complete Why the Chicken Crossed the Road saga, never before posted in its entirety to the forum. May take a while to post it all (has to be one strip at a time, remember) so please be patient. Oh, and when I'm done, pretend to like it.

It all started here...

Remaking a classic by BigEvilDan 1-18-01

I'm going to do it, Jon. I'm going to cross the road. But why? Why must you risk your life by crossing this road, chicken? Like it or not, there is only one way to get to the other side...and I must take it. Goodbye, chicken. I will miss you...*sniff* Do you think we overacted that comic a bit? I'd hate to think we were messing up a classic. Nah, seems pretty natural to me...

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Remaking a classic - audience reaction by DexX 1-18-01

Like it or not, there is only one way to get to the other side...and I must take it. Hey, Diablo's a good choice for this role... Ssssh! Goodbye, chicken. I will miss you...*sniff* Hmmm.... overacting a little... So, what did you think? Oh, it was OK. I liked the original better.

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Remaking a classic - the reviews are in by BigEvilDan 1-18-01

So, Big Evil Dan, what was the response to the "Remaking a classic" strip? Well, Diablo, there were many opinions. Maura said that she liked the original better. What!? The old one is so dry and cliche! I thought the used car dealership in the background was a powerful metaphor for life. What other comments were there? Well, the dog on the ball says "Woof!", and Inde Rock Pete claims that you are a "sellout". Sellout? I got paid in chicken feed! He's just jealous. On the bright side, the cowboy is stalking you, so you have at least one fan...

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Remaking a classic, the critics have their say by DexX 1-18-01

Welcome to Movie Banter, with your host, Bongo. Thank you for joining us. Tonight we are talking to controversial poultry star Diablo. Welcome to the show. Thanks Bongo, it's great to be here. Can we talk about your new film, Why The Chicken Crossed The Road. Some are calling a crass cash-in, and others hailing it as a masterpiece. What is your view? I don't see what the fuss is about. We approached the subject-matter with great reverence and respect. Some details had to change, of course - that is the nature of cinema. Some people have objected to the explicit sex scene... Prudes... it was handled very tactfuly, and 100% in context with the story. Besides, Jon and I both felt comfortable with it, so we thought, what the hell!

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Remaking a classic - They are always worse than the original by BigEvilDan 1-19-01

So naturally, after the success of "Why Did the Chicken..", you made a sequel. Was it harder than working on the original? Well there were a few script problems, but I'd have to say we pulled through. This clip is my favourite scene in the movie. Scene from "Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road II: Heavy Traffic" Why? *sniff* Why did you leave me, Diablo? Jon, I'm not dead! I'm just over here across the street! You do realize that is utter crap, right? Probably why the movie only sold four tickets...

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Making a sequel to a remake of a classic... by DexX 1-20-01

In a local video library... Welcome to Monty's Video. Can I help you find anything? Urrmmmm... I'm looking for that chicken crossing the road thing... Yup, right here... What the Chicken Did After Crossing the Road... What? No, no, that's that terrible sequel. I want the original. You know? The classic? Oh, here. Why the Chicken Crossed the Road, starring Diablo de'Chicken... No! No, you idiot! The original, not the remake! Ah, bugger it, I'm renting this film instead... Psycho, directed by Jan De Bont. Sounds like a great movie...

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Remaking a classic - Where are they now? by BigEvilDan 1-20-01

Jon and Diablo blamed each other for the "Road" sequel's failure, and each went their seperate ways. I hate you and I'm leaving! You know, I should've eaten you when I had the chance!! Diablo's first and only project was the action film "How Many Chickens Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?", which was dismissed as being too cliche... Hurry and change that lightbulb, before it's too late! While Jon's horror flick "Knock Knock" went down in history as the worst film ever made...and thus retained a huge cult following. Who.....who's there? A psychopath! Now let me in so I can kill you!

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Remaking a classic - Oh, how the mighty have fallen. by DexX 1-21-01

Backstage... I can't do this. I can't do this. I used to be the most respected chicken in Hollywood. how could I have sunk so low? Hey! Double-Oh or whatever your name is! Director wants you out on set right now! Come on down for a new or used car. Our sales assistants are all chicken, so scare them into a bargain price. This week at Cowlungsbonk Motors you can... Cut! Cut! What's your problem? The name of the car dealership is over there, on that sign. I... uh, I don't have my glasses with me... Maybe you'll be able to read it if you go and cross the road! HAR HAR! Ah jeez... someone get this turkey a script...

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Remaking a classic - Oh, how the mighty have fallen, part 2. by DexX 1-21-01

Hey, who is that over there? It looks like... Excuse me, aren't you the lead singer from Swedish supergroup A-Ha? Huh? No, I am Jon, star of Why the Chicken Crossed the Road, and its sequel... Oh, sorry. Never mind. *sigh*

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Remaking a classic - Punishment by BigEvilDan 1-23-01

A life of failure comes to an end for Diablo... Diablo, due to your crimes in life, you are doomed to an eternity in Bad Actor's Hell!! W-w-what are you going to do to me? You will be forced to play one of the most annoying, degrading roles imaginable. You don't mean.... "That's right, Diablo. The Lowpass Jesus!" Hi, I'm here to take over for you. Finally! You wouldn't believe the lines I'm forced to read....

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Remaking a classic - recasting a classic... by DexX 1-24-01

Hey Jesus! Can you have a look at this big lump on my... Hey, what happened to the usual guy? He's been released on a good behaviour bond. I am now the Low Pass Jesus. It is punishment for my involvement in crimes against films and comics. Damn! What did the last guy do to deserve that? I think he had something to do with the making of the Spawn live action movie. And for that he got nailed to a lump of wood and stuck in an endless cycle of bad comics? He got off lightly... I think so. I would have executed the bastard.

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Remaking a classic - A reunion of sorts. by DexX 1-24-01

In a downtown church... My life is a shambles. My career is over. My fortune is gone. And my best friend... *sob* My best friend, Diablo, is dead. God, is there any hope? Am I doomed to be a wreck for the rest of my life? Cheer up, Jon. Things will get better. Jesus? Is that you? Well, yes and no. It's kind of hard to explain.

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Remaking a classic - Death, unlike this story by BigEvilDan 1-28-01

I was thinking about something the other day... Really? What? If Diablo is doomed to be the Lowpass Jesus for making those crappy films you were in as well, what happens when you die? Oh my god, you're right! I should just stand right here, so nothing can hurt me. Can't be punished if I'm not de--what's that noise? Seems it was someone tossing a pile of your old films out the window. *urk* Damn irony.

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Remaking a classic - What the hell? by BigEvilDan 1-28-01

Well, now that you're dead, I'm afraid you must be punished with a cheesy Lowpass role. Please not the cowboy...please not the cowboy.... Now if you'd been the star of those films, you'd get a real tough position like the cowboy, but as a co-star, you simply get to take my place. Yes! I can live with that! Alright then. Take this pitchfork and go harass your best friend Diab--er, I mean Jesus. Wait. This is that irony thing again, isn't it? I'm really beginning to hate my afterlife.

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Remaking a classic - Departure from the source material by DexX 2-02-01

Diablo and John settle in as Jesus and Satan... Hokay.... I'm starting to get the hang of this. I'm human, but I'm God... ...and I am an angel, but I am also the supreme force of evil in the universe. Hmmmm... Hmmmm... Wanna swap? I do evil WAY better than you. Sure. I always wanted to be God.

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Remaking a classic - ...and stealing from Rowan Atkinson! by DexX 2-02-01

Meanwhile, in Hell... I get to be Satan. Cool! All this is mine. I can - *ahem!* Oh, uh... hi. Your punishment was carefully selected for you. You can't just swap around. Where's Jon? Meanwhile, NOT in Hell... I don't know why everyone says this is such a bad job... Hey Jesus, I gotta question. What's the Church's attitude to fellatio?

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Remaking a classic - It's a living by BigEvilDan 2-04-01

Look, I'm sorry we swiched punishments. I had no idea you were so intent on keeping us in our assigned jobs. Now if we could just forget this happened, I'll get back to being in the source of all evil... What do you mean you filled our old positions? We've been gone for five minutes! So what *are* we doing, then? Stop complaining, Jon, and look on the bright side. There's a bright side to fart jokes?

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Remaking a classic - Insert witty subtitle here by BigEvilDan 2-04-01

Before we start, I should warn you about something. I'm not a female penguin. I'm actually a male chicken playing a female penguin as punishment for my entertainment sins. So? Do you think that, if I'm hiring a penguin whore, I can afford to have standards? That's exactly what I was afraid of...

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Remaking a classic - Circumlocution by DexX 2-04-01

I'm curious about something, Jon... What? Now that I am being forced to play that part of the penguinatrix, and you are the fire... what are the original penguin and fire doing? Got me there, Diablo. So tell me, chicken... why DID you cross that road? I mean, really... Leave me alone, ya freak! I keep telling you - I AM A PENGUIN!

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Remaking a classic - Back to the womb by DexX 2-04-01

In a Hollywood studio... I'm telling you, Frank - the classic-joke-movie genre is not dead! Oh, come on, Bob. Don't you remember Why The Chicken Crossed The Road? Knock Knock? Both flops! Hey, the first Chicken movie made a tidy profit. It was that abysmal sequel that killed the franchise... Okay, okay... Let me hear this great new idea of yours, and I'll consider it. Great! OK, there's this Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman... SECURITY!!!

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Remaking a classic - Are you confused yet? by BigEvilDan 2-05-01

So I'm Jon, but I'm on fire... And I'm Diablo, but I'm dressed as a penguin. And I'm Spigot, being punished for suggesting that "Three Guys Walk Into a Bar" film. Satan, how could you let things get so confused down here? I thought you were good at tormenting people. Actually, I'm not Satan. I'm Garfield.

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Remaking a classic - Flogging a classic dead horse by DexX 2-07-01

...so Satan said I hadn't done a good enough job playing the part of a flame graphic, so he made me change again! Yes, I noticed. You're stuck being the overused default left-hand Asian girl. WHAT? I thought I was supposed to be the dog on a ball... I wish I had the guts to go right up to Satan and demand that we have our original graphics reinstated. Well why don't you? Are you chicken? Oh, like I haven't heard THAT one before...

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Remaking a classic - Someone gets re-cast...again! by BigEvilDan 2-07-01

That's it! I'm sick of being an asian girl! I'm going to talk with Satan! Really? Yeah. I'm gonna march up to him and say "I want out of this role right now, and I demand my body back!" Go for it! Later... Is that you, Jon? What happened? He said "I can do the first part, but the last bit may take some time..."

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Remaking a classic - Remaking the remake... by DexX 3-18-01

In a dingy film studio in California... You're kidding?! You actually got _the_ Jon from Goats to come in and play a role in our unofficial Chicken Crossing the Road sequel? Yep, he's on set doing his first scene now. Wow! Does he realise it's not really a sequel at all, but a hardcore sadomasochistic beastio-porn parody? Sure does. That was actually what convinced him to do it! Come and have a look... Coming Soon: Why the Chicken Shot His Load *swish-CRACK!* Oh yes! Yes! I'm your road, babe! I'm your road! Walk across me! WALK ALL OVER ME!!!

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Well, that's it.

My God, we made a lot of them...

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