Your character was at the top of his game. The chicks dug him. The guys wanted to be him. And he had the best selling pop albums and starred in the highest grossing teen sex comedies. Now he's been caught up in an embarrasing/disgusting/plain bizzarre scandal that immediately destroys any legitimacy he had and makes him a late-night punchline. Your job is to chronicle the scandal. What was he involved in that contributed to his downfall? Was it an Ashlee Simpson moment? Or was it a far more sinister OJ Simpson moment? The choice is up to you. You might also want to chronicle how he handles himself in the aftermath. Does he turn to drugs and sink deeper or try and clean up his image?

Series are not only allowed, but encouraged.

Bonus points for anyone who includes an obscure C-list celebrity as a friend or mentor to our erstwhile superstar. By C-list I mean guys like Carrot Top, Gary Coleman, Monica Lewinsky or the surviving half of Milli Vanilli. You get the idea.

Bonus points also for including words like "degrading", "shameful", "pathetic", "humiliating" and "crack cocaine".

Bonus points if your character or someone else in the strip says "I will not wear that chicken suit!" or "But officer..."

No archived strips allowed.

Judging will be next Tuesday! Have fun!

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Destroying my reputation one post at a time.

Would you consider Kirstey Alley C-list?

Only if she's fat. :)

(c-list is subjective, folks. Don't sweat the small details too much)

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Destroying my reputation one post at a time.

CC 271: "Captain Chip's Big Comeback" -- 1 by biped 12-28-04

Our market researchers merged "retro", "camp", and "so-bad-it's-good", and kept coming up with one name -- Captain Chip. Not only is his cruddy old 60's TV series still popular in syndication, but his "Captain Wanker" gay-porn videos continue to sell briskly. Pack up your tights, Cap -- you're going to Hollywood! Oh, my! It's like a dream come true! Somebody pinch me! Assume crash positions, everyone. May God have mercy on us. This is all so exciting!

CC 271: "Captain Chip's Big Comeback" -- 2 by biped 12-28-04

Welcome to Loclasso Studios, Captain Chip. I'm Gary -- I'll be directing your comeback film. Oh, I hope we do justice to "the legend!" My fans deserve it after so many years of unflinching loyalty! I'LL save you, young man! What seems to be the trouble? Oh, Captain Chip! I need to get "deep-schlonged" so bad! PLEASE ram it to me "super-doggy-style!" Err... Mr. Di Bona, this isn't much different from those awful "Captain Wanker" scripts I had to do to pay for my hernia operation -- Yes, it is. The sex scenes are a vital story element, because your radioactive super-sperm is going to impregnate the evil Dr. Sphincter's impregnable lair.

CC 271: "Captain Chip's Big Comeback" -- 3 by biped 12-28-04

The jig is up, Dr. Sphincter! Spread those big, hammy cheeks and get ready to feel the meaty thrust of my steel-hard justice! CAPTAIN CHIP! You've caught me with my pants down and penetrated my defenses YET AGAIN! "Oh, he'll WANK it! He'll CRANK it! He'll YANK it and he'll SPANK it! With his SUPER-POWERED GRIP -- he's CAPTAIN CHI-I-IP!" Oh, this is HORRIBLE! My career is RUINED! I can't bear to face my fans now! YAAAY! SHOW US YOUR DICK, CAPTAIN CHIP! AND WANK IT FOR US! Why...they LOVE me! I'm bigger than EVER now! HERE, ALL YOU WONDERFUL FANS -- HERE'S MY BIG, SUPER DICK! ENJOY!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

CC 271: "Captain Chip's Big Comeback" -- 4 by biped 12-28-04

So, Captain Chip -- how does it feel to be the world's most popular gay icon? Oh, I certainly AM gay these days, Wink! It's so nice to be the hero of millions again! Why, CAPTAIN CHIP! Fancy meeting YOU here in your living room! Good thing I remembered to bring my KNEE PADS! *GASP* -- MONICA LEWINSKY! My favorite OBSCURE C-LIST CELEBRITY!! OH!!! OH!!! BE SURE TO HIT THE DRESS!!! *GLORP!!!* HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD!!! UNNNGGGHHHH!!!

CC 271: "Captain Chip's Big Comeback" -- 5 by biped 12-28-04

Mnnrff...mffglff... Did I hit the dress? Monica? Monica? This just in -- "*GLORP!!!*" Oh, my GOD -- she VIDEOTAPED it! It's all over the NEWS! You FRAUD! You're not gay at ALL! I hate you, Captain Chip -- I HATE you! I...I've let my FANS down! Even the little CHILDREN... who look UP to me as a ROLE MODEL! *choke*

CC 271: "Captain Chip's Big Comeback" -- 6 by biped 12-28-04

HONEST, everyone -- I can be SUPER GAY! I can be so GAY it would make RICHARD SIMMONS VOMIT! BOO!!! BOO!!! WE HATE YOU, CAPTAIN CHIP!!! WE HATE YOU, YOU STRAIGHT ASSHOLE!!! But, officer... And to think, you were actually a HERO to my super-gay son. You shameful, pathetic bastard. Well, Mai Ling... I no longer have an image to protect... might as well finally consummate my forbidden, long-stifled lust for you... Me rikee "hot dog"!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

"Hey! Youse guys!!!"

From the lack of interest, I'm afraid I may have made a bit of a crap CC. Or people are too busy! I'm hoping it's the latter, but probably not. Well, I tried. With only biped contributing so far, your chances of winning this thing are greatly increased so send in those entries, cuz y'know biped won't win! (omg, I'm j/k)

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Destroying my reputation one post at a time.

I think it's a good CC. I've been trying to come up with something worthy of the topic.

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I has a flavor!

There's no real SCANDAL here, unless you count "being shitty" as a scandal, but...

The Rise and Fall of Aynis Hertz, Rock Star (Part One) by UnknownEric 12-29-04

and the dragon comes in the NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!! Thank you! Backstage. Oy, mate. 'Oo are you, then? I'm Leif Garrett. I'm starting my own record label and I want you to be my first signing! Blimey! No way! Yes, research shows young people want a rock star who sucks even harder than Scott Stapp.

The Rise and Fall of Aynis Hertz, Rock Star (Part Two) by UnknownEric 12-29-04

In the studio. Aynis Hertz? Hi, I'm Gus Dudgeon, I'll be producing your album. Gus Dudgeon. Why is your name so familiar? I produced a lot of Elton John's 70s records. Elton John! He gets all the minge, don't he? I said... He gets all the minge, don't he?

The Rise and Fall of Aynis Hertz, Rock Star (Part Three) by UnknownEric 12-29-04

Aynis? It's Leif. Your video is being played right now on VH-1. Wow, I gotta see this! and the dragon comes in the NIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! Rock on! That was Aynis Hertz and his brand new video "Dragon," which has already been named Most Awesomely Bad Song of All Time by Blender Magazine. All press is good press, mate!

The Rise and Fall of Aynis Hertz, Rock Star (Part Four) by UnknownEric 12-29-04

I'm sorry to have to do this Aynis, but I'm dropping you from the label. But my album just came out yesterday! Yes, and it's sold exactly 2 copies so far. That's a start, innit? Aynis, you're being outsold by a CD of vomiting sound effects. Yeah, but my music is CAUSING that vomiting!

The Rise and Fall of Aynis Hertz, Rock Star (Part Five) by UnknownEric 12-29-04

5 years later, on a street corner in London. and the dragon comes in the NIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! Hey, aren't you Aynis Hertz? I sure am, little girl! You suck. So you don't want an autograph?

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I has a flavor!

CC 271: Owa Taga Siam by kaufman 12-29-04

You know, New Yorkers have to be the hardest people in the world to faze. They're completely unflappable. I know a guy who was asked what happened to his favorite Thai beach, and he just said, "Phuket about it." Thank you, you've been great. Don't forget to tip your waitresses. The crowd really ate up your act. Mind if I take a minute of your time?

CC 271: Imminent Katostrophe by kaufman 12-29-04

Honey, I've got a surprise for you. Turn on Channel 9. Good evening, and welcome to the Kato Kaelin Variety Hour. Tonight, Fabio does A Flock of Seagulls, Paris Hilton reads Chaucer, ... Danny Bonaduce sobers up, Smarty Jones dances the waltz, and we'll have the nonstop laughs of Dan Wallace. OH MY GOD!

CC 271: Signed, Seliged, Delivered by kaufman 12-29-04

In the Green Room (of course) You knocked them dead, Dan. Next week we're putting you on before the animal act. Helen Nathan, LA Times. Do you have any comment on Dan Wallace's relations with a goat, or his years with the Libertarian Party? We feel those are his private matters that he's working out, and that we have full confidence in his performance as a regular on this show. How about the fact that he didn't pay his nanny's social security? Or that he rebroadcast or reproduced the pictures, descriptions, and accounts of the Royals-Devil Rays game on May 19 without the express written consent of Major League Baseball?

CC 271: Tampa-Resistant by kaufman 12-29-04

... And the camel said to the llama, "You know, you're the spitting image of my sister!" Thank you very much. Never mind that, Dan, how about showing us some Devil Ray highlights! Hardy har har. I'll have you know they won that game, 4-2. Hey, why don't you show some videos of my kid's little league game? The Kato Kaelin Variety Hour will return after these brief messages. No, really, laugh all you want, but that fifth inning was one for the ages... BOOOOOOOOOOO!

CC 271: A Short-sighted Solution by kaufman 12-29-04

You can't just sit around here moping. You need to get yourself a job. I know that gig as the Padres mascot doesn't thrill you, but ... I told you once, and I told you again; I will not wear that chicken suit! My loyalties are to another ballclub. Hang on, the phone's ringing. Hello? ... What? ... Yes, I want to be the Devil Ray ... No problem, just send me the costume. And he spent the next week and a half trying in vain to punch some eyeholes into his costume. Hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more ...

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

The thing about this CC is that it requires more work than usual and leaves less room for individual inspiration. Consider some recent CCs that have been very successful, such as the nightmares CC or the love stinks CC. Each gave a general theme common to the lives of many and left a lot of room for individual inspiration. In contrast, the theme of this CC is less relevant to everyday life, and it doesn't lend itself well to single strips. Also, the amount of detail you've already given us about what the strips should be about restricts individual creativity more than the usual CC does. If I get inspired, I might enter something, but it hasn't happened yet.

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FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

The thing about this CC is that it requires more work than usual and leaves less room for individual inspiration. Consider some recent CCs that have been very successful, such as the nightmares CC or the love stinks CC. Each gave a general theme common to the lives of many and left a lot of room for individual inspiration. In contrast, the theme of this CC is less relevant to everyday life, and it doesn't lend itself well to single strips. Also, the amount of detail you've already given us about what the strips should be about restricts individual creativity more than the usual CC does. If I get inspired, I might enter something, but it hasn't happened yet.

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FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

I've tried to follow the rules as closely as possible.

CC 271: The Biff McGurk Syndrome -- 1 by biped 12-30-04

He was at the top of his game. You are a veddy clevah opponent, Mistah... Bond. James "Two-Bags" Bond. The chicks dug him. Fuck me, Biff!!! FUCK ME!!! FUUUUCK MEEEEE!!! No. I am faithful to my lovely wife, Sally. Now get out of here. The guys wanted to be him. Hey, Biff! I'm gettin' TWO fuckin' colostomy bags... just like YOU! Awesome, huh? That's very nice -- but you should just be yourself, Floyd. You're a unique individual.

CC 271: The Biff McGurk Syndrome -- 2 by biped 12-30-04

He had the best selling pop albums. "We may be apart, but all of my heart, is devoted to yooou...take a whiff of my love, like a fragrant dove... my love is truuue..." And starred in the highest grossing teen sex comedies. This sure is good fuckin' beer, dude! Oh, no...I just jacked off in it. Now he's been caught up in an embarrasing/disgusting/plain bizarre scandal... OMIGOD! Your wife is HOW old, Mr. McGurk? Eight. But, she'll be nine next month. Why, is that bad?

CC 271: The Biff McGurk Syndrome -- 3 by biped 12-30-04

...a scandal that immediately destroys any legitimacy he had and makes him a late-night punchline. "Biff's wife may be eight -- but she's got the body of a six-year-old! GUFFAW!" Biff! What doth "GUFFAW!" mean? My job is to chronicle the scandal... ...and write it all down in my blog, right after I finish playing this new videogame called "Biff's X-treme Mega-Downfall 2"! Hi, Mom! He suffers an Ashlee Simpson moment... "We may be apart, but all of my farts...I mean, my hearts... uh...take a whiff of my farts... uh..." Darn, where'd I get "farts" from? BOO!

CC 271: The Biff McGurk Syndrome -- 4 by biped 12-30-04

...and a far more sinister OJ Simpson moment... But, officer -- these people were already dead when I got here. Oh, SUUURE. I'll bet EVERYBODY'S already dead when YOU get there. He turns to drugs and sinks deeper... What'll it be today, fuckface? Do you have any airplane glue? ...then tries to clean up his image. And on behalf of the Sally McGurk Foundation, I hereby donate -- You're not fooling anyone, Biff, you sick fucking bastard.

CC 271: The Biff McGurk Syndrome -- 5 by biped 12-30-04

An obscure C-list celebrity becomes friend and mentor to the erstwhile superstar... Same fuckin' shit happened to me. You cap ONE motherfucker over a little crack cocaine and the fickle-ass bitches all TURN on you. Thanks, Todd. I mean, Mr. Bridges. ...degrading... ...shameful... ...pathetic... ...humiliating... Yes, yes, I get the point....thanks, Grandma. And then, finally, he hits rock-bottom. I will NOT wear that chicken suit! Okay...I'll wear it... And don't forget to call me "Daddy." Or else, NO tip...BITCH.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Etmus C. Dostoevsky: Behind the Stupid by possums 12-29-04

Ah wehll ah remember when Etmus emancipated a bunch of Caambodian baybays... He wuz alwayz sucha kind man.... Be free my third-world Olver Twists!! But hiz toorett's wuz alwayz gettin' in th' way. I SAID BE FUCKING FREE YOU COCKAHOLIC SHITFUCKERS!!!

Behind the Stupid 2 by possums 12-29-04

Etmus had it all. I have it all. You sure do, man! In fact, your children's show, Learning n' @#(*&$ With Etmus is on in ten seconds!!! AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR LEARNING N' @#(*&$ WITH ETMUS!!! Are you ready kids!? AYE AYE, ETMUS!! READY TO BE PULVERIZED BY MY FUCKING SLEDGEHAMMER!?!?

Behind the Stupid 3 by possums 12-29-04

Needless to say, the show was canceled. We spoke with Dostoevsky on his New Jersey estate. Man, when my FUCKNUTS show got canceled, I was SHITWEASEL in the dumps. So, SHITLORD I checked into therapy with Dr. Martin Pedantic PERENIUM. Mr. Dostoevsky kept punctuating his sentences with words like "ANALCUNT" and "FUCKWAD." Needless to say it was a dream come true for a PEDiatrist like myself.

Behind the Stupid 4 by possums 12-29-04

After the degrading ordeal with my wife, APOSTASY, I just had to enlist the help of a C-list celebrity. That's where I, Kirstey Alley, come in! That's right! Kirstey FUCK-A-DOODLE-DOO Alley came to my rescue! She got me off drugs and back on my feet again PERENIUM. I'mz a miracle worker! How did you get on my property, anyway?

Behind the Stupid 5 by possums 12-29-04

So thanks to Kirstey FUCKING FATASS Alley, I'm alive and doing crap for VH1! And you can have your life saved, too, for only $25 an hour! That's ri- wait WHAT?! So call 1-800-IMA-HACK today! YOU CUNTING FUCKWAD!!! YOU JUST SAVED MY LIFE SO YOU COULD MAKE A PROFIT!! It's either this or another sappy ABC made-for-tv movie about a retarted pidgeon!

Some really good strips here! Keep 'em comin.

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Destroying my reputation one post at a time.

CC271: Matt Damon in "The Gruesome Adventures of Dr.Kimble" by mox 12-31-04

I see you like teh crack cocaine a lot ! don´t you recognize me ? You can´t arrest me, i´m famous man ! LMAO But officer...   ?   I´m glad it was all just a dream, caused by the mescalin.

Great, I was all like ready to submit a totally winning comic and then mox has to go and steal my idea!

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

Okay, I got an idea, and it grew into something I like.

CC 271: Video Killed the Radio Star by fpd 1-01-05

Sugar, ah honey honey. You are my candy girl, and you've got me wanting you. Honey, ah sugar sugar ... Ooooh Archie! Aaaaah Archie! Archie! Archie! We love you, Archie! Sugar sugar! Yes, Mr. Horn, what is it? Archie, I'm afraid it's another case of video killed the radio star. Archie Andrews, pure heart throb of millions. You know him from the hit group the Archies and from the hilarious teen sex drama Riverly Dales 90125. A shocking new video reveals that Archie is really into marital sex, as he does a three-way with BOTH HIS WIVES, Betty and Veronica.

CC 271: On TV by fpd 1-01-05

Did you hear why Archie Andrews sings "sugar sugar" instead of just "sugar"? He sings it once for each wife. Archie, do you take both Betty and Veronica to be your unlawfully wedded wives? I do, I do! And I have a special vow for both my candy girls. Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! Why, if it isn't Betty Cooper Andrews, one of Archie's two wives. Why'd you do it, Betty? Why'd you marry a bigamist? He wasn't a bigamist before I married him. He was always such a good, clean cut, Mormon boy.

CC 271: We can't rewind we've gone too far by fpd 1-01-05

But Officer, what else was I to do? I could never choose between Betty and Veronica. I had to marry them both. You pathetic behavior is shameful. When you marry more than one woman, you leave the dregs for us average guys. Big Moose, you're in jail too? What did you do? Duh, I killed Reggie when he proposed to Midge. Why couldn't you have left Betty or Ronnie for Reggie? Then he would have left my Midge alone. This is so degrading, Ron. You're both my wives, yet I can have a conjugal visit with only one of you at a time. Archie, do you know how humiliating all this has been for me? I've been made a laughingstock on late night TV. I'm annulling our marriage.

CC 271: Pour a Little Sugar on it Honey by fpd 1-01-05

Oh, Archie, how could you do it? How could you cheat on me? What are you talking about, Betty? The only other woman I slept with was Ronnie, and I was married to both of you at the time. Oh, but you weren't married to her, Archie. She annulled your marriage, which means you were never married to her. Hey, that's great! That means I never committed bigamy and I can get out of jail. But, Archie, you have shamed me with your adultery. But you still love me, right Betty? I mean, Betty loves Archie is an axiom. So, honey, are you going to give me some sugar sugar or what?

CC 271: Jingle Jangle by fpd 1-01-05

Congratulations on beating the bigamy rap, Archie. Thanks, Trevor. I'm sure excited about getting back to the recording studio. I'm sorry, Archie. Adolescent girls want a superstar they can imagine marrying some day, not someone who's been in jail for bigamy. What will I do now? Am I all washed up? Well, you could do commercials. I'm Archie Andrews. I used to think premarital sex was wrong, but I learned my lesson. Now I don't go marry every woman I want to have sex with. I just put on a Trojan instead. I'm Cheryl Blossom, and I won't do a guy without a Trojan. C'mere Archie, sugar sugar.