Stop! In the Name of Glove by kaufman 3-30-05

Where am I? What happened to me? If you can't kill the cancer, you know the answer. How dare you make a tasteless comic right after the death of one of our great defenders of justice. How do you justify such an action? If he's got the tumor, you must use humor!

Ah, Look at all the Lonely Papal by kaufman 3-30-05

What's the latest news on the Pope's condition? Did you hear that they've now put a feeding tube into him? Yes, and I am comforted. It is likely now that His Holiness is receiving the care needed for him to fight this disease. I wish I could share your optimism, but I fear there have been some complications. What? Did he have a heart attack or something? Worse. His wife is suing to have the tube removed.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I laughed at the last one.
Am I going to hell? <_<

Both funny. Riding the line without going past it.

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To thine own self be blue.

Both very good. Hopefully you don't mind me adding my two cents:

If You Haven't Read, Johnny Cochran Is Dead by choadwarrior 3-29-05

Next up...a famous attorney ends his journey. It's no rumor, he had a tumor. He made the O.J. trial a lark and beat Marcia Clark. Thanks to him, we think Detective Fuhrman is a Nazi German. And who can forget those colorful ties? I can't wait 'til Jesse Jackson dies.

God Willing by choadwarrior 3-30-05

Holy Father, it's time to insert your feeding tube. Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill meeeeeeee. Father, any update on the Pope's condition? He tried to speak, but we couldn't make out what he was trying to say. He's on the feeding tube, resting comfortably, and should make a full recovery.

That's one cent each. Such a deal.

I didn't know he died. I wonder if it's a good thing I get all my news from a comic website.

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peddling the funny around since 09/24/2002

At least you can get your news from somewhere else other then the Daily Show

They're all good :)

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"Are you an aethist?" "Yes, I'm from Brooklyn" ~Angel Heart

Damn, I got the news about Johnny Cochrane from here as well.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Conversations with SC Users by MikeyG 3-31-05

God must have really hated Johnny Cochrane. Why? Gave him a big ol' brain tumor. Maybe God loved him and needed him closer. Why? Maybe God needs a Hell of a lawyer.

Conversations with SC Users by MikeyG 3-31-05

You don't think Johnny Cochrane is in Heaven? No way. Why not? He was a lawyer. But what if God needed one? Satan IS God's lawyer.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Curses, Falwelled Augean! by kaufman 3-31-05

Good afternoon, you're on "Ask Dr. Kaufman." What can I do for you today? I'm just wondering if you're surprised that Jerry Falwell is now being listed in stable condition? Oh, not at all. I've been convinced for years that he was full of horseshit.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Amen, brother.

Good one, kaufman.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Purple Reign by kaufman 3-31-05

Excuse me, Prince Charles. Can you tell me what Soylent Red is made of? Bloody people.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

RIP Frank Perdue by kaufman 4-01-05

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

chuckles to charles

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"Are you an aethist?" "Yes, I'm from Brooklyn" ~Angel Heart

Ripped from Today's Comic Pages by kaufman 4-01-05

RAAAR!!! WHAT'S THAT? It's a Ouija board, Tobor. Spirits from the afterlife guide your hands over a series of letters and spell out messages from the great beyond. Look, it's moving. T_O_B_O_R... I_S... A... B_I_G... M_O_R_O_N... P_L_E_A_S_E... K_I_C_K... H_I_M... I_N... T_H_E... N_U_T_S... TOBOR SOMEHOW IMAGINED THE AFTERLIFE TO BE A MORE PEACEFUL PLACE! T_H_E... G_O_D_S... A_R_E... M_O_S_T... P_L_E_A_S_E_D... A_L_S_O... W_I_R_T_H_L_I_N_G... S_U_C_K_S...

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Unoriginal Shin by BigEvilDan 4-01-05

What's that? It's a Ouija board. Spirits from the afterlife guide your hands over a series of letters and spell out messages from the great beyond. Look, it's moving. A-S-I-A-N-G-I-R-L-1... I-S A... B-I-G... M-O-R-O-N... K-I-C-K... H-E-R... I-N... T-H-E... S-H-I-N-S. Ow! Somehow I imagined the afterlife to be a more peaceful place. kaddar/ghost and kofightclub/ghost are most pleased.

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"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

The Good Book by choadwarrior 4-03-05

I want to thank the world's cardinals for coming to Roma to help begin the nine days of mourning... After that, we shall choose a new pope. But first... Who had April 2nd in the pool?

A Murder of Crowes

by kaufman, 6-08-05

Are you still trying to seduce me, Mrs. Robinson?

by kaufman, 6-08-05

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I also did one about Rusty's telephonic troubles.

Stir well by andydougan 6-07-05

Christian Slater and Russell Crowe, incarcerated actors What are you in for? I threw a telephone at the face of a concierge who wasn't sufficiently deferent. You? Ah, I sexually assaulted this old woman. And despite my repeated threats of violence, she's pressing charges (ALL TRUE). I tell you, it's come to a pretty pass when the elite of the earth are treated like common criminals. Sirs? It's dinner time. We've laid out the candle-lined red carpet. Candles?! We wanted kneeling eunuchs! Don't you know who we are?

Touching on two headlines in one comic!

Who's Bad? by kaufman 6-14-05

What a miscarriage of justice! I can't believe they let Michael Jackson off. The justice system has sure gone down the toilet. I bet he'd have been convicted on all ten counts in your day, eh, old timer? Actually no, I reckon we wouldn't have convicted him either. We'da had him lynched long before the case got near to going to trial.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Score one for old-timey justice!

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

No, really. Here's the story

Four Scores and Seven Craps You Out by kaufman 6-16-05

Controversy abounds over a large business wanting to move in to a Gettysburg address. Who better to fill us in than former president Abraham Lincoln? That's right, Jill. Proponents of the project point out how it will generate hundreds of jobs for the people of South-Central Penmsylvania and Northern Maryland. Critics, however, say that these would be low-level jobs, with all the benefits going to outsiders, and that this project would actually destroy many small, locally owned businesses. There is also the issue of bringing in from miles around a clientele viewed as less-than-desirable, 24 hours, 7 days a week, so close to what many regard as hallowed ground. I saw your report last night. You were talking about a Wal-Mart, weren't you? Actually, it was a casino, but I can see the confusion. Plus, if the casino gets nixed, who's more likely to move into that land than the Walton Gang?

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

The actual story

The Cable Guy by kaufman 6-17-05

A new superhero has arrived. Help! Help! My boy's lying at the bottom of the pool! Fear not, poor damsel. Although I am just a cable repair man, I will be able to dive in and rescue your son. Comcast has trained me in CPR, so I will be able to keep the boy alive until the paramedics can arrive. Now what I'll need is for him to stay at the bottom of the pool, and I'll come and rescue him sometime between 10 AM and 4:30 PM on Friday.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Take Me Out to the Ballgame by kaufman 9-29-05

Now that the season's coming to an end, how'd you do in your fantasy league? Not bad. I think I've clinched 3rd place. But I'm very confident about next season. I've got my eye on a rookie catcher that I'm sure will score big time. Oh, really? Who is it? Kid by the name of Tom DeLay.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Just a Thought Experiment by kaufman 10-04-05

There is a complete breakdown of government ethical standards. We have leaks of the identity of CIA operatives, ... Bill Frist apparently committing insider trading, andTom DeLay charged with money laundering. What do you say to that, Dr. Bennett? Well, I think it's clear that if we were to abort every Republican baby, the crime rate would plummet.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com