Richard the Lying Here-ted by kaufman 2-07-13

Our top story today: DNA testing has confirmed that the human remains found under a parking lot in Leicester, England are those of King Richard III. On the scene is Channel 3's Mike Downey, who has an exclusive interview with the late king. Mike? Your Majesty, I understand you are going to be reinterred right here in Leicester, rather than in London or your beloved York. Can you tell us why? A hearse, a hearse, my kingdom for a hearse!

Second Hearse, Worse than the First by kaufman 2-08-13

A hearse, a hearse, my kingdom for a hearse! Oh, come now. Old wounds are healed. The Royal Family would provide transport of your remains just about anywhere. Why won't you go to Windsor Castle? Are you kidding? Lying there forever while the guy in the next crypt over goes on singing I'm Henry VIII I Am over and over and over again? Fucketh that. And he snores too. I'd rather spend eternity lying underneath It's A Small World at Disneyland! *gulp*

The Source of Denial by kaufman 2-08-13

We're here talking to the remains of England's King Richard III. Your Majesty, people have been wondering. Can you finally tell us what happened to your nephews? Of course I can. They're dead! Aha, so you admit to taking them away to the Tower and having them executed? Why, no. Nothing of the sort. I don't understand what you mean. Didn't you admit to your involvement? Look, Sherlock, I have no idea what happened to them, but after 500 years, I'm pretty sure they're toast.

The Hunchback and the Quarterback by kaufman 2-08-13

Before we conclude our interview with Richard III, our American audience would like to know: Tell us how proud you are of RG3. Of R G what? You know, the football player. Robert Griffin III. Your descendant. Huh? He's not related to me. Why would you think that? Do we look similar or something? Well, you do have the same last name ... Ay ay ay!

 

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