Hedge-fund douches buying the patents to life-saving medication and raising the price by 5000%, Pharmaceutical companies advertising drugs on TV that have side effects worse than the conditions they're designed to treat, Idiots using the internet to diagnose themselves instead of going to a clinic, political candidates pretending they're doctors...

And to top it off, there are real diseases so horrifying that the guarantee of a full recovery is almost not worth having to live through the disease itself.

Your challenge is to take something about horrifying about healthcare and make it funny, or make something up and run with it. A drug to treat acne that makes your skin turn Donald Trump Orange, a medical condition that makes you fart showtunes whenever your credit card gets declined, I don't care.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

Terminazingal i by Beeko180 9-23-15

I'm afraid you have prostate cancer. Wow... that's um... th- Did you drug me? No, that's just the prostate cancer. It makes everything fantabulous. Somehow I don't think that's how prostate cancer works...

Terminazingal ii by Beeko180 9-23-15

Can't you feel the love? What?! No. Stop it. This isn't funny. Get these drugs out of my system. Okay but first tell me if you can feel the love, Mr. Sanderson, sir. By love, you mean drugs right? What? No! That would be... unethical. I would never do that. I feel cold all of a sudden. This doesn't bode well for me.

Terminazingal iii by Beeko180 9-23-15

That's enough. This has gone too far. This is the least professional walk-in clinic that I've ever been to. The fact that you would dare to imply that gay people are the direct result of having prostate cancer is highly offensive. I'm... I'm a married man. I love my wife. Wanna fuck?

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You have my most solemn and honourbound of vows that clicking this link will not direct you to a youtube video of a rick roll

CC 623: I spent 8 hours in the waiting room writing this by jes_lawson 9-23-15

The bad news is, after the research funding was cut, the condition will enter its terminal phase within 5 days. Crap. What's the good news? We're going to name a syndrome after you! AAGH! Hrm, did I say days? I meant seconds. Can't read my own writing. Welp, that'll be $311,671, plus tax, Mr. Kafka. Um... I'm Mr. Samsa?

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

RCL no. 4906 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 9-23-15

I've got good news and bad news from your test results... What's the good news? You have a rare cancer commonly called the "Christmas Disease". It's cure is simply the joy you feel from celebrating the birth of our Savior! But, I celebrate Kwanzaa. Hence, the bad news...   ?

CC623 - Am I original? Yeah. by kramer_vs_kramer 9-23-15

Uh, hello? I'm here for the backstreet abortion? Just a minute, I'll get my tools. Right, just lie down on that mattress over there and I'll be with you in a minute. That mattress over there with the dead heroin addict on it? Dead? Crap - I hope you weren't expecting any anaesthetic.

CC623 - Am I the only one? Yeah. by kramer_vs_kramer 9-23-15

So, how long have you been doing backstreet abortions? Only a couple of weeks. I used to be a children's entertainer. That's pretty ironic. Those kids loved me. But then one day the boss's son took over and let me go so he could hire all his idiot friends. How did you get into the abortion business? I'm cutting off their customer base at the source. That'll teach him!

CC623 - Am I sexual? Yeah. by kramer_vs_kramer 9-23-15

So what's the usual process for backstreet abortions? It's pretty simple really. You huff paint out of this paper bag until you pass out. While you're under I remove the baby plus any loose change or jewellery you happen to have on you. And what happens to the baby once you remove it? I dress it up in a uniform and use it for my civil war reenactments. On a scale of one to ten, how much did the father look like Robert E Lee?

CC623 - Am I everything you need? by kramer_vs_kramer 9-23-15

You know, I'm having second thoughts about this backstreet abortion. Are you sure? You'd be missing out on the loyalty scheme. Loyalty scheme? For every ten abortions you get a free cup of coffee. Has anyone ever taken you up on the offer? To be honest, nobody survives the first one. I'm starting to think the coffee machine was a bad investment.

CC623 - You better rock your body now by kramer_vs_kramer 9-23-15

No, that's it. A backstreet abortion isn't for me. I'm going to keep my baby. Suit yourself. The deposit is non-refundable though. That's okay, you can keep the ten dollars. I've learned an important lesson today about the value of life. Have a nice day! I agree, life is important. Within every child lies the potential to do great things. They may create a masterpiece, or cure a disease, or invent something amazing. I wish you all the best. Next!

CC 623: Boner Pills by Murica 9-23-15

So, let me get this straight. Not only did our new boner pill fail miserably, but it made you grow a third nipple? Yeah, but it gets weirder. That extra nipple squirts french vanilla coffee creamer. I'm going to need you to lean in and give me a squirt of that. What? No. Carol! Get in here, this guy's giving out free samples. I'll see you in court.

CC623 by Porternotes 9-24-15

Well, Barry, I've got good news and bad news. What's the good news? The cost of your medication is $750 per dose. Oh my GOD! What's the bad news? Without the medication, you'll die before you'd go broke paying for the pills. If you gotta take it up the ass it might as well be from Martin Shkreli.

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https://www.porternotes.com

CC 623: POIGNANT MEDICINE by bigworm 9-24-15

I don't regulate the price of medications, but I hear you! I just want to live, that's all. But life without happiness is but a chore without reward. For your own comfort I'd remind you that money can't buy happiness, sooo... But money can buy life. Yes but those without money can't buy life in hopes of attaining elusive happiness. Do you see my point? No, but I think I can feel it in my ass.

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bigworm

CC 623: POIGNANT MEDICINE II by bigworm 9-24-15

I'm sorry to hear you haven't been able to raise the cash to buy yourself some additional time. I have a plan. You could sell your boat and pay for my life. Very clever, but my boat brings me happiness which I need to live a happy life. Selling it would burden me with cash which could not buy me happiness. Do you see my point? Well? I'm still feeling it if that's what you mean.

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bigworm

CC 623 - If Jupiter's not rising, my insurance won't pay? by jes_lawson 9-24-15

I'm afraid there's no easy way to break this to you. You have Capricorn.

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

CC623: MedFill by evil_d 9-25-15

People say we wealthy Republicans don't care about health care for the poor. But that's not true! When poor people call out sick, my casinos don't get cleaned and my garden doesn't get landscaped! Nobody wants that! That's why, as President, I'll ask doctors to implement my "MedFill" program. When one patient can't work, they'll call their other patients and find someone to cover their shift! But Mr. Trump, that doesn't help individual poor people at all! That just treats them as chattel who are interchangeable with other poor people! I'm not following you.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Mr. Ziggy Zooga & Randy and the Futility of Healthcare by Beeko180 9-28-15

COME ON RANDY WE'RE GOING TO GO ON A MAGICAL COOKING ADVENTURE. IT'LL BE REALLY FUN. LIKE BURNING MAN. YOU'LL SEE. Okay! Ow. It burns. The stove burns burn me. Ow. IT'S OKAY RANDY. THE DOCTOR WILL FIX YOU. YOU HAVE OBAMACARE. Death is absolute. The finality of it all- it disturbs me. You say that, but I think that hell is only truly made hell with the fact that by being in hell death is proven to not be absolute and the realities birthed by that fact make hell truly hellish.

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You have my most solemn and honourbound of vows that clicking this link will not direct you to a youtube video of a rick roll

CC 623 by jes_lawson 9-28-15

So what's the prognosis, Doc? You know that condition Stephen Hawking has? Oh my God! ALS? No, talking like a robot. You're going to develop that in about 3 months. Is it serious? Serious? It's hilarious!

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

Actual conversation in our home:

CC623 by Porternotes 9-28-15

There's another bill from the hospital. I told them to submit it to the insurance. I guess they did. The insurance company refuses to pay it. What are we supposed to do about it? Add it to the other bills in the pile? We're taking a tip from Donald Trump. Bankruptcy, the new course for America.

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https://www.porternotes.com

RCL no. 4912 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 9-28-15

Good lord... What happened to you? In a word: Obamafuckingcare. Explain, please. I was running a mild fever, so I went to the local government urgent care center. The nurse there gave me a flu shot. I guess I had a bad allergic reaction. Hence, your scaly skin... The upside is I'm now partially autistic... Wanna go to Vegas and win a shitload of money at the blackjack tables?

CC623 in-joke by evil_d 9-30-15

Your condition is easily treatable with a drug that costs 50 cents in Canada. Unfortunately it costs $3,000 here, and since you have bargain-basement insurance, the best I can give you is a lollipop and an injection of Placebenol. I understand. It's what I deserve for not working harder in the coal mines. Excellent. Nurse HCRoyall will be in momentarily to administer your shot. I changed my mind. Which way to the border?

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Phoning it In by four_legged_tripod 9-30-15

So as you can see, your new insurance police carries a "Tell-A-Doc" option. So instead of going to see a doctor, I call one on the phone, describe my symptoms and they treat me over the phone? Yep. Huh... So doc, I have a lot of difficulty focusing, my lower back hurts all the time and I find it hard to keep an erection. Are you really asking me to prescribe you Adderall, Oxycodone, and Viagra over the phone?

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

CC623 - Free Nipple (With purchase) by kramer_vs_kramer 9-30-15

Doc, I need some fake tits. Big pendulous bangers! Juicy whoppers! Spectacular jugs! Massive bosoms! Well, it's rare. but you're not the first man to ask for breast implants. Oh, they're not for me. I'd like you to put them on my couch. Your couch? I'll see what I can do. You've spent all your money in the pub again? I hope you enjoy sleeping on the couch, mister! Well, actually...

CC623 by Porternotes 9-30-15

Why didn't one of us go to medical school? My parents couldn't afford to put me through medical school. My grades weren't good enough. Yeah. We're just average people, I guess. Can we at least PLAY doctor? Let me get the rubber gloves.

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https://www.porternotes.com

CC 623 by jes_lawson 9-30-15

You look exhausted. What happened? I just came off my 8th straight 20 hour shift in the Emergency ward. Due to budget cuts, there were no free beds to crash out on. I had to sleep in a bin full of medical waste. You'll forgive me if I put this on? Not at all, but on the plus side, in the 9 hours I have left, I think I may now be immune to every disease known to man!

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

I will pick a winner Monday!  Keep the entries flowing in like poorly tested and over-marketed pharmaceuticals to the FDA!

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

CC623: In pill form by evil_d 10-01-15

Hey doc, I'm here for my monthly dose of Placebenol. But I've got to say, I really hate needles. Isn't there any other way I could take it? You're in luck! It's now available in pill form. I'll write you a prescription. That'll be ten thousand dollars. Even when I'm taking it orally, I'm still taking it rectally.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

CC623 - Car Parks, Tanning Salons and "Security" by kramer_vs_kramer 10-01-15

Doctor! I need help keeping an erection up. Oh, that's easy. These pills will help you out. Later... At least fifty people are believed to have been killed when a large amount of scaffolding collapsed and crushed them. That was all your fault.

Groovy! - Retard is as retard does by edoggydog 10-01-15

Your test results are in and I have great news! Groovy! You are sitting at 6% mental capacity... But, if you take a series of smart pills and stop watching MTV, I think we can cure you mental retardedness! But, I'm not a retard. Ri-i-i-i-i-i-ight... And, I've already set my DVR to record the entire series of "Dating Naked", first run and repeats, too.