Following on from HCRoyall's healthcare themed CC, I spent 5 months off work last year due to a nasty head injury.  I watched a lot of cookery programmes.  A LOT.

So the theme of this one is celebrity chefs and cookery TV programmes. 

Maybe Matthew Fort eats Adam Richman, maybe Heston Blumenthal finally snaps and serves a sodium hydroxide enema as an entree, maybe Le Chef from Digitiser makes an appearance, who's to say?

So sharpen your wit, plug in your strip making gadgets, and cook us up some funny!

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Real Life: Heavy Cream by four_legged_tripod 3-18-11

Welcome to Top Chef. Damn! Padma just came out in a bikini. And I just came in my pants.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

CC624 by Porternotes 10-06-15

How come you don't suck my cock anymore? The truth is, I never really liked it. Well, I do things for you all the time I don't like to do. Give me an example of anything you do for me that comes close to having a sweaty sticky slab of meat rammed half down your throat until you gag and nearly pass out. ...well I was going to say something funny about sitting through that Martha Stewart cooking show every afternoon.... Yeah, not even close.

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https://www.porternotes.com

CC by HCRoyall 10-06-15

And for our special episode of Iron Chef: Ingredients chosen by the Internet! And our ingredients chosen by internet poll are: Anal Rape, Mountain Dew, and "Hitler wasn't such a bad guy after all..."! Raar! Please tell me you're the "Hitler wasn't such a bad guy after all..." Ha ha! No.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

RCL no. 4920 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 10-07-15

Hello..? Anyone in here? Damn... I guess no one uses public libraries anymore. We can try again tomorrow to kill off a few souls. Cool... I can just get home in time to see Padma in a bikini on Top Chef. That woman gives me a major boner! ♫ IRONY ♫

The Healthy Chef Show by Neo11 10-07-15

This week on Healthy Chef, we are celebrating the delicious world of greens. Let's bring in our special guest, Tommy What's up? Tommy, would you like to show us your creation that includes an item in the world of greens? Sure would Uh, these look like some sort of dessert. That's not exactly healthy or on this week's topic Oh, these are my special brownies. Trust me, they are loaded with greens

CC624 Ragu's Kitchen by Porternotes 10-08-15

Today on Ragu's Kitchen we have a very special guest. Please welcome Padma Lakshmi Thank you for having me, Ragu. We're going to cooperate on a very special recipe, correct? Yes. Padma's Stuffed Throat! ...wait, i think there's a typo on the teleprompter. That should be Stuffed Trout. Sorry, we're going out live today, we're just going to have to roll with it. The trout isn't the only thing fishy around here!

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https://www.porternotes.com

CC624: Food Network Challenge by evil_d 10-09-15

Chef, your all-spun-sugar replica of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon is most impressive! But before our judges can review it, you must carry it through... THE GAUNTLET! If those judges don't have a damn good reason why they can't walk the 20 feet to see it here, I'm going to give them one. I'd like to take a moment now to thank the farmers who cultivated these 1200 pounds of sugar that nobody will ever eat.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Groovy! - DUCK!!!! by edoggydog 10-09-15

I'm going to have the Duck Lorange. You should have the salad, fatty! DUCK LORANGE!! SALAD, FATTY!! In other news... Chen got his ass kicked again by his wife today after a minor food fight escalated to an all out beat down. Groovy!

Accidental Cook by choadwarrior 10-11-15

I'm Ree Drummond, the Pioneer Woman. Many people ask me why I wear these loose fitting blouses. Well, I eat the food I make so, so sooner or later, I'm going to be fat.

Logs by choadwarrior 10-11-15

Paula Deen here, y'all. I'm fixin' to fix a special dinner for a dear family member. Of course, it's full of butter, processed cheese, ground beef, butterscotch puddin', jalapeño rings, and Oreo cookies. How do y'all think it tastes? Compared to my own poop?

And some oldies:

Tripple Bypass by choadwarrior 8-30-15

You loved him in Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives! He thrilled you in Guy's Grocery Games! Now, this Fall, it's all Guy, all the time! Coming soon, Vegans, Varmints, & Victims!, Cocktails, Coffee & Cuckolds!, Tacos, Tequila & Torture!, Pop Rocks, Pepsi, & Periodontitis! And it's all followed by Bikers, Bellies, & Buttscrubbers!

Rachel Maddow as a Waitress, Taking Gordon Ramsay's Order(1) by choadwarrior 8-05-15

We have some amazing specials, which will blow you away. I'll tell you about these amazing specials right now but first, let me explain that they are, in fact, special and you will get them here... The item I am not going to order is the item which is not the dish which is the one you are not describing but is the most stunning example of a meal I don't not want to eat. You are really going to appreciate how spectacular these specials are as soon as I tell you about them. I promise they will astound you and you will be glad I told you about them. Never, in my career have I not ordered such a dish as the one I am not going to not place with the person who might not be the one who isn't taking my order. Now, these specials just aren't your run of the mill specials, they are special specials. You are not going to believe how special these specials I am going to tell you about are, so stay tuned... Now, before I reveal to you the entree that I found the best and which I shall be eating, step forward so I may announce which of the meals I have found not to be worst...

Rachel Maddow as a Waitress, Taking Gordon Ramsay's Order(2) by choadwarrior 8-05-15

Rachel struggles to explain the specials as Chef Ramsay orders... We're back, and I'm glad you joined us because I promised you earlier to reveal to you the most spectacular specials ever. EVER! Step forward so I may announce which of the meals I have found not to be worst... Meanwhile, Chef Ramsay has a surprise for Rachel... Nowhere, and I mean nowhere, have there ever been any specials like the ones we have for you tonight. You are not going to want to miss these specials. But first... The first course will not be the starter that failed to be the least appetizing, while the main is as awful as it is delicious. Wil Chef Ramsay ever place his order? Wait...I don't have a narrator. Rachel, madam, take off that uniform, go back to the kitchen, and prove to us you are a waitress, because you are not the one who isn't serving me.

Essence of Idiocy by choadwarrior 11-28-04

Hey, Emeril, why the fuck did you put out a waffle iron with your signature phrase "BAM!" engraved in the plates? The waffle iron is a very common tool found in the kitchen. Just like you.

Jamie Oliver by choadwarrior 6-02-04

Where you from, mate? Sout' London. Thout' London? Ith there no T-H in Thouth London? Apparently there's two sets in your mouth, you twat.

RCL no. 4926 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 10-12-15

Meanwhile, back at Dave & Buster's... Oh, crap! In a situation like this, I wonder what Jesus would do? I would let the alien ship capture my ship so later I can recapture it to double up and blast those E.T. motherfathers to hell! Wouldn't the Son of God just simply condemn them to hell? They're out of my jurisdiction.

So far, I am impressed.  Judging will be some time on Friday, so get your strips to the pass by then.  Meanwhile , here's Michel Roux Jr. in the Cornhole Challenge...

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That's Some Mean Cuisine by ZMannZilla 8-06-10

Upon the meal's presentation, the warm, heady aroma gives bold promises of peanuts and aged gouda - promises that this bland, autumn entree cannot keep. Every bite, from start to finish, was laboriously tolerable at best. The soft texture and amateur flavor, with its sharp obnoxious notes of parmesian and corn, coated my palette most uncomfortably. It took all the healing powers of a brisk, fruity '96 merlot to rescue my horrified taste buds from the choking, gritty aftertaste. I completed this meal solely as a charity to the chef. And now, thanks in part to the delicious and welcoming gallon of gasoline I just drank, I bid thee adieu.   THE MORAL:   Never tell a food reviewer to "eat shit and die".

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

Appetizer by choadwarrior 10-14-15

Are you just going to sit there and play video games? Pretty much. Don't you feel like you are wasting time? I would if I hadn't smoked so much weed. So getting high is your recipe for success? Isn't this The Great British Bake-Off?

Good thing I saw the movie this week ...

CC 624: To Ares Is Human by kaufman 10-15-15

Wow. Those were the most delicious potatoes I've ever tasted. And you're a botanist who grew them yourself. Figures. So, what's your secret? Well, I was stuck in a place with no breathable air and no drinkable water. So I synthesized H2O and fertilized the seeds in my own shit. Well, that's very ... Hey, wait a minute, I recognize you! You're the guy who was stranded on Mars for two years! Huh? No, you must have me mistaken for somebody else. So you didn't grow these on Mars? No, of course not. I grew them in my back yard in New Jersey.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Time to serve.  Judging panel, your verdict?

All worthy competitors.  However, there's only one guy whose vote has the final say:

NO!  NOT THAT GUY!

Nah, it's me, in the guise of Le Chef:

"Alors, le choadwarrior est le gagner!

Il est taking le piss out of le tous le monde de repetetive TV chefs: le Mockney Monsieur Oliver, le Guy Fieiri dans le "Troisieme D de la Food-me-Do", et le Pioneer Femme avec les corn-fry-cheval-plop dans le Futtbuck Oklahoma... 

Le Chef voted for le pompt de la many strips de funny, avec le beacoup consistent qualitié.

Mais, excuze-moi, J'ai doit de pompt du faire le fwap-fwap-fwap dans Padma's sauce du Bernaise..."

Great strips all, thanks for letting me host it.

This was very nearly a three way tie, but since two-way splits were tough enough in the past, choad's consistency and insight into the mine of comedy gold that is food TV, edged it.

625's all yours.

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Merci, merci à vous, mon ami.  

Il est vrai que la meilleure façon de gagner une compétition comique le juge est d'acheter quelques bières, il ya dix ans.

I will come up with a recipe for the next competition this weekend.

Indeed.  Holy hell, ten years...  But being able to satirise Food Network was key.

No offense was intended to real Francophones btw.  Le Chef, like everything I post on here, or cook, should be taken with a pinch of salt...

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