So what do you have to do to get on the Naughty or Nice List? How does Santa make that call.  Honesty should get you on the Nice list but if it hurts her feelings to hear how you truly feel about her ass in those pants, then that could get you on the Naughty list.

This contest is all about Santa's list. How does he make these choices? What do us common mortals feel about being on either list? What have people done to get on either list?

Whatever direction you want to take it, just be funny.

That's it.  I'll judge this after Santa's big day.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

CC681: Standards by evil_d 12-14-17

I'm sorry, Santa. This year I cheated in school and lied to my parents. Also I didn't feed my dog and it died. Timmy, you didn't grope any of the girls in your class, so by 2017 standards you're a goddamn saint. Enjoy your Playstation.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

CC681: How is he still on the charts by evil_d 12-14-17

As you know, Billy, "naughty" and "nice" are relative terms. It's okay to be a little naughty, as long as you're nicer than 50% of your peers. This year you're exactly in that 50th percentile. So it comes down to tiebreakers. "Tiebreakers"? Like what? Total number of swear words used, kilowatt-hours of non-renewable electricity consumed, and length of time spent listening to anything by Chris Brown.

CC681: Status by evil_d 12-14-17

Aren't you a little old to be visiting Santa? The last time you told me whether I was naughty or nice was when I was six years old. I've gone eight decades without a moral report card and now I have no idea where I stand! I'll probably die soon and I need to know where I'm going. Should I spend my remaining time in a flurry of virtuous activity? Honestly, man, at this point what could you do to change course? To overturn a lifetime of good or bad acts? I could tell the police where those kids' bodies are buried. That'd probably count for something.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Porkman & Finchy Are Deserving Victims Of Demonetization by ZMannZilla 12-14-17

Holy Cursewords Porkman! Santa is using YouTube's AI to sort his Naughty List! Ah, then it makes sense why Porkman was on naughty list at bedtime and back on nice list the next morning. How did you know that?! I thought Santa kept his Naughty List a closely guarded secret! Yes, but Porkman hacked Santa's jolly old Packard Bell and discovered truth of the matter. Wow, so you got on the Nice List after hacking Santa's computer TWICE?! YouTube's AI sure is broken! It even put Santa on his own Naughty List. Christmas has been demonetized so we're all getting macaroni art.

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

CC:681 "Hedging Her Bets" by Makin_d_bacon 12-15-17

Harder Santa, make me cum!   ?   Swallow it all you little slut! Good! GOOD to the last drop! hehehe I bet Santa puts THAT gal on BOTH his lists! Now from behind! Please Santa!

CC681: Knocking out the easy ones by evil_d 12-15-17

Hi Santa, it's Harvey Weinstein. Lump of coal. NEXT! Kevin Spacey here. Loved you in House of Cards. Lump of coal. NEXT! Matt Lauer, and before you say anything you should know that having lumps of coal shoved up my ass is my fetish. Baseball bat with barbed wire wrapped around it. NEXT!

CC681: Explains a lot by evil_d 12-15-17

I'm reviving the coal industry as fast as I can, Santa, but it's hard work! I need more, you fat fuck, MORE! So many people have been naughty this year! But people are saying it's bad for the environment! They're switching to solar and wind power! Damn your excuses! I can't shine a ray of sunlight into someone's stocking! Just tell me this won't affect our agreement! You'll get your new eastern European bride when I get my anthracite!

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

CC 681: Listomania by kaufman 12-15-17

Grandma, did Santa bring you Christmas presents when you were a little girl? He usually did. Except in 1944. That year, the only people who got presents were about a thousand Jewish adults. Wow, that's strange. What did you do? There wasn't much I could do. I and all the other children had to work in a factory in Central Europe until they straightened it out. Straightened out? Why? What happened? Apparently, Santa's list and Schindler's list had accidentally gotten switched.

CC 681: Listomania Too by kaufman 12-15-17

So 1944 was the only year Santa didn't bring you presents? Well, there was also 1949, when he paid my parents and those of all the other children, and brought us to the North Pole instead. Wow! You got to go to Santa's place? How lucky! It wasn't luck. He had switched his gift list with his shopping list and bought all the kids. So what happened to all the presents? Where did they go? Oh, you know. Cereal boxes, Cracker Jacks. There's a reason the guy's so chubby.

[edited by kaufman on 12-15-17 at 9:12:47pm]

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC 681: Dial P for Present by kaufman 12-15-17

Santa must love doctors. My wife is a pediatrician, and she gets the most thoughtful and amazing gifts. I don't know. Santa never brings my wife anything. Is she a doctor too? Yeah, an anesthesiologist. That's odd ... I guess I just have an unlisted number.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC681: Mall Santa by evil_d 12-16-17

Want to make sure you're on Santa's nice list, young lady? Give me your address and I'll double-check! How about you, miss? Your phone number will work too! Alright, Mr. Moore. You've been warned about this. Who paid you to come here and do your job?? Was it the muslims? The sodomites?

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

RCL no. 5963 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 12-16-17

Forget Santa's list... If, you want to be on the good list of Ol' Saint Dick, there's just one thing you need to do. That one thing will keep your on Air Dick's good list forever. Any guess what that one thing you need to do is? Does it involve an air blowjob?

Getting Back On The Nice List by Neo11 12-17-17

Hey Santa, I'd love to get back on your nice list. Then you could bring me handcuffs so I can tie you to my bed That's a good start And I'd also enjoy some skimpy lingerie so I can put on a little show just for you Oh wow, sounds like you will get back to the the nice list this year! And to top off my outfit, I'd love a Pittsburgh Steelers hat Aaaand back to the naughty list you go

Groovy! - What do YOU want for Christmas? by edoggydog 12-17-17

A little boy. A little boy. A little boy.

Groovy! - Getting Back on the Phreaky List by edoggydog 12-17-17

(with apologies to Neo11) To get back on your nice list, I'll first take off my top to show you my World Famous 44-DD's... That's a (*gulp*) good start! Then, I will jiggle them side-to-side, and bounce them up and down while I perform the Electric Slide. Completely naked. Oh wow, looks like I will be taking you off the naughty list.... Then, I will undress you and whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper. If, you're still conscious, I'll whispper, whisper, whisper until you cry "mommy"! ...and putting you on the VERY naughty list! *PANT* *PANT*

Groovy! - All I want for Christmas is Jews by edoggydog 12-08-17

♫ Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, And the very next day, I found out you're gay ♫ ♫ This year, instead of a queer, I'll give it to someone het'ro ♫ Groovy! What do you think? I love it... But, have George change a couple of those lyrics to make the song a little more yule tide appropriate.

Groovy! - Even MORE What do YOU want for Christmas? by edoggydog 12-17-17

Skin, baby! Sorry... I might have over-watered the Christmas tree. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET THE SMELL OF URINE OUT OF MUSCLE AND SINEW???

Groovy! - MORE What do YOU want for Christmas? by edoggydog 12-17-17

Arms! Arms! Take a wild fucking guess!

He's Making A List, Checking It Twice by Neo11 12-18-17

First house up looks like the Hendersons. Here's the list Let's see which of them made the nice list this year. OK-bread, peanut butter, milk, toilet paper What the...let me check this a second time. Bread, peanut butter, milk, toilet paper Blitzen you stupid ass! You brought my grocery list!

CC681: rv vandalism by User:VladimirPutin by evil_d 12-20-17

Here's what I don't get, Santa. There are almost two billion children in the world. How can you possibly keep track of a list that long? Where do you even put it? Santa's gotten with the times, my dear! All of that data is stored in the cloud now! Earlier, at the North Pole: https://en.wikipedia .org/wiki/List_of_ children_who_were_ nice_in_2017

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

RCL no. 5970 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 12-22-17

Oh, my god... Is that Phreaky outside? Boy, I'd love to slide down her chimney, if you know what I mean! Samta..? Are you home? I want to give you my wish list personally. Give me a minute. *fwap* *fwap* *fwap* *fwap* *fwap* *fwap* Please, hurry... My nipples are getting harder than a Harvard Law School entance exam! I CAN SEE THAT!! UNNNNNGGGH!! NUUUNNNGGGH!!! Okay, I'll be right out. Please, wash your hands first.

RCL no. 5972 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 12-23-17

You know, Maura... We ARE standing beneath the mistletoe. Are you saying you want me to kiss you, Bill? Well, a "special" part of me, if you know what I mean! Ok, I'll kiss the Air Dick, but only if you let me use your executive parking spot for two weeks. Throw in the Air Balls and Air Taint, and you can have it for three months!

Saving Christmas with Social Norm by atomiclunch 12-25-17

You were at the mall and... This little girl, she flipped off Santa. Santa! Behind his back. *ahem* HO! HO! HO! Hi Sally, I'm Social Norm, you know, it's not really acceptable to do that. I think I'm gonna have to get you put on the naughty list. Yeah? Well, "Norm", if you look carefully, you can see that I have placed ALL of the fucks I give right here under the tree. Norm, even Santa doesn't like tattletales. You know, "HO" has a decidedly derogatory connotation in this day and age, Santa...

CC 681: Everyday He's Shufflin

One for me, One for the fire. One for me, one for the fire. One for me...

by attitudechicka2, 12-27-17

So I made a list and checked it twice, and there was not a bad comic in the bunch.  With that said, evil_d got me with the first comic posted:

CC681: Standards by evil_d 12-14-17

I'm sorry, Santa. This year I cheated in school and lied to my parents. Also I didn't feed my dog and it died. Timmy, you didn't grope any of the girls in your class, so by 2017 standards you're a goddamn saint. Enjoy your Playstation.

So the nod goes to him this round!

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

The Christmas gift I really wanted!  Thanks, tripod.  New contest presently.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!