Commercial Break #1 by israphael 11-29-01

The open road calls to me. Every morning before work, I get up, get on my bicycle, and ride twenty miles come rain or shine. I don't always want to do it. Sometimes I'd like to stay in bed for another hour. But I don't. This routine make me a better person. -----------------------Got Milk?----------------------- For one hour every morning, I am truly free. I am a woman. I have dreams. I have goals. I have breasts.

In celebration of the fact that the World Economic Forum is opening up in New York City, Let us praise the almighty Dollar (Pound, Euro, Yen, Ningis, etc) by embracing capitalism. So for this comic cup the rules are:

1) Write a commercial to be aired on TV for a product that is something abstract, dangerous, pointless, or just odd.

3) Somewhere in the dialogue, you must include a disclaimer (example: Your Mileage May Vary, etc).

4) An animal must make an appearence somewhere in the strip.

5) Extra points for making baby Jesus cry.

6) There is NO rule number 2.

The contest will go through until Sunday evening. Multiple entries accepted.

Happy stripping

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

If anyone is interested I was going to name comic competition 97: Shop as Usual and Avoid Panic Buying.

Unfortunately I hit enter b4 previewing the post.

Gomen ne.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

CC 97: Moving to the Font of the Line by kaufman 2-01-02

j00 R just so 1337! You know, people used to think I was the geekiest of the geeks, living in my parents' rodent-infested basement, never kissed a girl, zero social skills, and all that. But that all changed when I started to type in sans-serif Helvetica. Suddenly, I was the coolest of the cool, king of the net.community. Now I'm not saying Helvetica will work for you, monitors vary after all, but try it -- you' may find out you're no longer a looser. Aw, come on, Ernie, shoo!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC 97: Cowboy Sales Pitch by kaufman 2-01-02

So I said, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves." Ha, ha. Thats why we feed them a nutritious breakfast of Quarks every day. That's right, Clem. Quarks can increase yer graviton production by over 310%. But remember, nearby black holes and supernovas shore are likely to affect yer performance. And now there's new Quarks for Cats, invented by none other than Dr. Schroedinger himself! What the fuck are you talking about?

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC 97: Great White Meat by kaufman 2-01-02

I used to graze in Montana, and the nitrates in the soil gave the grass a bitter taste. One day it was gone. I'd crossed over into Alberta! Mmm, mmm good. On my migratory routes, I dread the taste of Raritan swampwater, and long for the cool, clean St. Lawrence. Maybe New Jersey and Quebec aren't fully representative of their nations, but Canada rocks. I read about that poor English goat that got screwed and said, why couldn't it be me? Then the SPCA might find me a nice home in Canada where the littered tin cans taste better. My life changed when I crossed the Pacific on a Chinese freighter. Vancouver shit is like none in the old country! I was penned up in Brisbane till they transferred me to the Toronto Zoo. Let me tell you, that soil there tasted so good, I ate a tunnel out to freedom, and am now freely rampaging over lower Ontario. CANADA. It's what's for dinner.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC 97: Untitled by Drexle 2-01-02

Dude, you've been scratching yoruself all day, what gives?! Dude, it's totally awesome! Last night, I got some brand new genital herpes! *Scratch scratch* Whoa, what is this "genital herpes," and where can I get some? I got my genital herpes from the chick on the streetcorner. It's great! It gives you the excuse to scratch yourself in public! Genital Herpes may have the following side effects: Itchiness, contageous rash, and irritation from loads of Zantax commercials. Not only that, it's a great ice breaker at parties! *Scratch scratch* Hey there big guy... you got room for another hand down those pants?

Rule #2: Comics must be by or feature Kaufman.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

CC 97: ROCKET MAN by crabby 2-01-02

Have you ever wanted to seem smarter than you really are? Have you ever wanted to impress your friends with your witty banter? Then you need new kaufman in a rocket. By using kaufman in a rocket you'll seem smarter, wittier and you'll have an answer for everything. Let's open it up and get a look at it. Caution using this product may cause you to be less appealing to the opposite sex.

This isn't really an ad for an unusual product, but this CC inspired it, so we'll call it an entry. There were recently some ads over here showing how long it takes a plumber and estate agent to earn enough to buy a Big Mac meal (a few seconds). Strangely enough, they never featured this particular profession:

De do Ron Ron Ron by andydougan 2-01-02

Here's how long it takes a McDonald's employee to earn enough to buy a Big Mac meal!!! You want chips with that? Hmm...the fryer appears to be releasing some kind of spores. Well, no matter! Half an hour later... Yes...a rat foetus...no...I can't think how it got into your Fanta... Your burger tastes funny? Okay, we'll see what we can do... The new Big Mac meal: only 99p!!! *ccchh* Ptoo! It's a lot better now? Great!

CC97: Secure in your security? by TheBlairZip 2-01-02

Regular home security systems not working for you? Then try BLAMMO Home Security! (a subsidiary of kaufman Industries) ...eeep...eeeep... All you have to do if feed one our secret formula pellets to any ordinary animal, and BLAMMO! EEEEEEEKKKK! CAUTION: May cause actual injury or death to family members if not properly confined. You now have an ultimate killing machine to keep your family safe! WHERE DA WHITE WOMEN AT???

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If it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have no luck at all. D'OH!

CC97: and now a word from our sponsors in the Liberal media by lara7 2-01-02

I'm Ellen Degeneres, speaking on behalf of the homosexual lobby. And I'm Fred Jacobs, of NAMBFLA, the North American Man-Boy-Feline Love Association Since we can't reproduce, we're recruiting your children. Won't you please advise your children and pets to get in my white station wagon when I visit your neighborhood? The decline of Western morality starts with you! Please talk to your children today about this exciting opportunity. Offer void in Utah and on US military bases {wink}.

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When they invent BookFace, I'm -there-.

Force of Levity by Namgubed 2-01-02

WARNING: Viewers may experience re-hashed comedy material. ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... Gravity. It's not just a good idea. It's the LAW.

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"There's no point in beating a dead horse ... except, of course, for the pure joy of it." - A. Whitney Brown

t'get me into the mood:

Chick Deney by xpac 2-01-02

Hey little girl, guess what! what? you fucking suck! wow, you are psychic, what now xpac? i suggest you buy a big 'ol can of SUCKIT! Disclaimer: Cans of SUCKIT are not available anywhere.

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we're sending our love down the WE-ELL-ELL-ELL! WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW!

and then one that doesn't suck. the misnumbering was intentional.

comiccontestninetysix: And then? by xpac 2-01-02

When your girlfriend dumps you on the prom night, when you got hurt in a fight When you need to grow a lot, when you need somebody hot When you just feel really sad, without the joy that you once had When your self esteem is low, there's just one place to go Little Asian Girl's Sucky Shop. Just five dolla! Caution: You will be shot if you pay in Sacajawea dollars.

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we're sending our love down the WE-ELL-ELL-ELL! WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW!

CC97: Marlboro Cigarettes by fpd 2-01-02

Hey kids, I'm the Marlboro man. Our cigarettes are the best tasting ever, but don't just take my word for it. I absolutely love the pungent, tobaccoey, ammonia taste of Marlboro. It's better than candy. And we guarantee that you can't smoke just one. You'll crave one after another. I love Marlboros so much I gnawed off an ear when I ran out. You're sure to love them as much as I do. Cigarettes may cause cancer, premature aging, heart disease, smelly clothes, and yellow teeth, but I don't care. Once you taste Marlboro, nothing will matter more than getting your next drag. Try them today.

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FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

k-mart fools by Little_Sqirrel 2-01-02

Hey gabe, remember that time we bought this bench for $500? Yeah the bastards ripped us off well know at k-mart you can get a bench for a doller fifty Wow! i might go buy one now while your there pick me up a sixpack for 80 cents can do!

k-mart will do anything to stay in buisness

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I like big nuts and I can not lie!

You nut-eating nut-eater who eats nuts!

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we're sending our love down the WE-ELL-ELL-ELL! WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW!

damn, xpac, that second strip was the best of the contest

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Batman created by Bob Kane

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Batman created by Bob Kane

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, xpac!

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Dad was flammable

You must be joking. I'd put my money on lara7 or nagumbed.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

Uh, by the way, I am implying that dcomposed is "xpac".

And I'd agree with Fuzzy, Namgubed's was a stormer!

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Dad was flammable

With apologies to xpac ...

CC 97: With Patriots Like This, Who Needs Marshall Faulk? by kaufman 2-01-02

A message from the President: My fellow Americans, I'll be coming on the air Sunday during Super Bowl Ixixixvie to give you this message. If you buy drugs, you're giving your money to the terrorists. You're making it so evil people like Osama bin Laden and Iran's Saddam Hussein can fly planes into your nuclear reactor. So don't do it, ok? And now a few words from Phillip the Fine Print Fish. Weknowyou'lldodrugsanywayandthewaytocutofftheirmoneyislegalization OurpalsatPhillipMorriswhogaveus$$$objectthough IranisnotIraq Osamacan'tfly EnronwasClinton'sfault ElectionbySupremeCourtonly fnord

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC97: Customer Servicing by fuzzyman 2-01-02

Do you want to date outside your species? Call Spankling's Interspecies Dating Service! We'll fix you up fast! Thanks, Spanking! I am totally satisfied! We can also arrange interspecies dates for your pets. Spanks, that threesome with you and Kaufman's cat was awesome! Warning: I have dibs on everything. Are you ready yet? I've got a lemur that wants to give me a rim job after I'm done with you.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

CC97: Not For Everyone by fuzzyman 2-01-02

Are you looking for a solution to all the problems in your life? Hey, Jesus... Do want fresher breath and whiter teeth? Maybe a new car? I think the Bible is just a bunch of silly stories that aren't true. You look really bad in that skirt... and you smell stinky! Why not try Atheism? Hmmm? Well, why not? Stop.. please... you're making me cry!!! Waaaaa!!! Warning: Atheism may not be suitable for stupid people!

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.